kellies

Karen, I jumped onto the site this morning just to get a quick read of anything new (makes me feel better to connect with this site).... and within 3 minutes was in tears over reading your post about your mom. I was super close with my mom too and she taught me so much and even though I did know she was very sick (stage 4 cancer) and was going to die (vs. it being a surprise for your family), I have taken it so much harder than I thought I would... and so much harder than she would have wanted me to. The day she went into the hospital for the last time (before dying) she kept telling me to go home and be with my baby and husband (vs. being with her) and she actually apologized to me for causing me so much grief (I was stooped over her bed crying my eyes out). I am crying while typing this just thinking about it. 6 mos. isn't very long.... you will have a ways to go time wise before the cloud lifts for you. It's been over 7 mos. for me and I still cry frequently. Basically it just takes time. This site has helped me so much. If you feel like you can't live without your mom, just think about what she would want. It sounds like she definitely wouldn't want you to die over her.... honestly, after my mom died, I wanted to kill myself by overdosing on all of her medication (which was at my house) and I truly thought that my baby and husband would be better off without me.... and then went on anti-depressants and came to my senses. I was out of my mind with grief. My baby and husband are MUCH better with me alive vs. dead. Something that has helped me live a more meaningful life that makes me feel connected to my mom is to raise money for a charity that she was involved with. It makes me feel like she is still here and would be so happy that I am helping this charity. I truly feel so bad for you Karen. For whatever it's worth, I am thinking about you and hope that you can move forward to find meaning and peace with her life and death. She would want that. -kellie

Dear Window, I just read your post now (explaining why I am writing now instead of days ago when you wrote this). For being only 19 years old, you are an excellent writer. You have obviously done very well for yourself if you survivied all of these horrors and made it to live in college dorms. Your father would be and is very proud of you. I think you spent so much time pretending that everything is ok is because your body/brain were using all of their energy just trying to make it through day to day life as a typical teenager in junior high and high school. Those places (junior high /high school) tend to label kids who have an outward depressed demeanor as "the weird kids" and since everyone already thought you were poor (from the teacher's fundraiser) you probably just wanted everyone at school to consider you normal and "ok". Just getting through childhood with a decent self esteem and feeling normal takes enough from your mind/body... let alone go through the entire due grieving process. You haven't done anything wrong or disrespectful to any deceased loved one because you denied or delayed grieving them. You did what you needed to do at that time to get through that particular time of your life. I also think that because there were so many deaths in such a short period of time during your childhood (and very identity forming years) you don't know yourself outside of being depressed. I am 37 years old... spent many happy years .. until about 3 years ago when I graduated with my Master's degree and couldn't find a job (while everyone else in my class got jobs)... and then my mom was diagnosed with Stage 4 cancer (and then died) and I pretty much went into a downward spiral that I feel like I am only starting to come out of 3 years later. In that 3 years I: got engaged, married and had a baby (all happy things) and I am only now starting to come out of a general funk that I realized had taken over my identity. My husband (who was only my boyfriend when all of this started happening) has made several comments about how "I was" when he first met me vs. how I have been over the last 3 years. I am finally starting to feel like I was 3-4 years ago. (more optimistic, not crying all the time). My old identity of normal/functioning/happy is returning. My life will never be the same as it was when my mom was alive but I do things now with the experience of having gone through what I did and I'm more ok with her death and I can function and be happy and optimistic and believe that there is a reason why things happened the way they did. It will take a very long time for you to get to know the happier more optimistic side of yourself but I believe that it is in there and will come out someday. You are so young. You have gone through hell and yes, you did not really ever get to be a kid. But you have done very well for yourself, like I said and your dad is so proud of you. You have so much adventure and possible happiness ahead of you and I hope that you embrace every opportunity to be truly happy...and at the same time think of your dad and how he would be so happy to see you happy. Really, parents just want their kids to be happy. sorry such a long post.... i guess i'm a type-a-holic too.

Tea, You have gone through quite alot (losing your dad, dog, house and mother in such a short time) to be "over it" already. Your husband is out of his mind..... frankly, I hope your marriage doesn't end over your husband's insensitivity. My mom died in February after a 2.5 year battle w/ Stage 4 cancer and I still have periods of crying spells. This is 7 mos. later and I still have my dad, house and cats. If I lost all of that within a few months, I have no idea how I would have functioned. This site too has really helped me alot. I had to go on anti-depressants for awhile which helped.... but frankly, this site has been a major help. I too like knowing that other people go through such tremendous grief (although, not fun for them, I don't wish this on anyone) but nice to not feel so alone. Re: your friends outpouring of support, turn to them instead of your husband. Turn to anybody that will give you the attention you need right now and you will get "over it" when your mind and body are ready to.

tamijane, It made me cry when I read your line "mostly for the things I should have done for my Mum in her last week of her life". I get mad at myself too when I think about what I should have done for my mom... I did the best I could but I didn't spend much time with her during her last week in the hospital because I hated being there (made me sad) and I had a new baby at home. She asked me to stay more but I didn't. Now, I wish I had stayed. I didn't know she was going to die so soon (obviously she knew and wanted to spend time with me) and I cry now thinking about her being in the hospital my herself so much in the end.

Dear afain1, I can relate to your feeling like you would be prepared for her dying, but turned out weren't. My mom died on 02-16-10 after a 2.5 yr battle w/ stage 4 cancer and I was her primary caretaker. I too thought that I would be completely prepared for her death and since I had grieved so much before she died, I thought I would feel "relieved" after she died (like some people told me I would) to not see her in pain and not have the caretaking responsibility anymore. I'm still grieving and crying frequently and I never felt relieved at all. I took it much harder than I thought I would and am still in the process of recovering. I had to go on antidepressants (which actually helped alot) and I'm off them now but when I saw that you had thought you would be prepared for your mom's death but weren't, I thought I'd tell you that I went through the same thing too.