Vero

Hey Lorikelly, no problems in the past, it's probably just me. you're right, no big decisions in the first year. It's just that I thought that out of all the people I know, he would be there for me 100% but he's not. And some people that I tought would not be there for me, well the opposite happened, they became really close to me.

Hello all, its been a while since i've posted anything on the board but i've been checking on everyone's progress everyday. Long story short, I've lost my beloved mother back in March and i've been on a roller coaster since. I am definately doing better than I was a few nonths ago, no more guilt about feeling happy, do not cry so often, have nice memories coming back to me,etc. I am now debating on whether or not I want to pursue my marriage. My husband is great and all but he has not been the rock that I was expecting him to be. He is just not really there for me. Its not that we fight or anything, it just feels like we are becoming stanger, like we are just really good friends and not husband and wife, we're a bit disconnected from each other. I think he is a bit tired of the roller coaster ride. He has been very busy starting and maintening is own business and all his energy is devoted to that venture. We still love each other very much but Im wondering if he is really the one for me. I have been thinking about moving back home to Canada, I sure could use some familly time. I am leaving my job (same job for the past 6 years). I have been performing poorly at work since my mother's death and its time for me to move on. I have no enjoyment in work anymore. I know i am somewhat depressed since she has been gone but I do have more good days than bad days. I have a few close friends that are really close to me and help me thru the bad times and are there to share the good times too. Im just really confused and not sure at all what I want to do. I will be taking a few weeks off for sure before finding new employment, I need to recharge my batteries. Has this happened to any of you? Any of you ended their marriage or relationship after the death of a loved one? This has been on my mind for quite some time now. If you have ended a relationship, when did you know it was time to move on? If you have decided to stay in your relationship and make it work, when and how did you know it was the decision to take? Any help would be greatly appreciated. I am happy to see that a lot of people on the board are doing better and better all the time!

Hi Shanna, you have to take your test and get it done with. Just asked your mom for help and it will come. My mom died 4 months ago and now I talk to her a lot more (my thoughts are clearer) and I ask her to guide me thru all sorts of things. It really puts my at peace knowing that she is right there (not physically of course) but I can sense her and I really believe she is watching every step I take. So, go ahead, take your test. You will be glad you did! Let me know how it went! Good luck!!!

Dear all, Pleaes help me. I don't know what to do. Im in such pain over the loss of mom (its been 3 months) that Im just ready to give up. Im supposed to fly home this Saturday to spend the week with my sister and my mother's husband to go thru her belongings, take what I want, etc. I have bought my plane ticket almost 1 month ago. But I just can't do this. I don't want to go anymore. I don't want to go and sleep at her house and im sure it still smells like her. I don't want to go thru her things as this will bring a finality to it. It makes the fact of not having my mom around anymore real and I just can't deal with this pain. It's unbareable. I don't feel ready to accomplish this task. I just want to hide and not think and not deal with the pain. I want to cancel my trip. I know that my familly will be disappointed but I also know that they would understand. I just can't go thru with this at this time. Am i beeing selfish? Am I being just a big crybaby? Im 32 years old and I never needed my mom like I need her today. Extreme sadness, loneliness, emptiness, anger ... I've been carrying this with me for 3 months now and I can't do it anymore. It's too heavy, its crushing me and I just can't go anymore. How am I still able to go to work everyday, fill up my car, grocery shopping ... I don't know ...I guess Im really good at faking it. Faking too be ok, I can't never tell the truth to anyone, I don't want to bother anyone with all my sobbing. I do wish I could just tell everyone, no, im not doing good. Im really sad all the time and I need help.

Kathy, wow, I guess this must be it. It's been just over 3 months since I lost my mom and life is just unbearable for me lately. Im to the point where I don't want to deal with anyone or anything. Im this close to quit my job, I don't want to get up in the morning. I don't want to deal with people or my emotions ... just want to sleep and not feel. All these emotions are taking over me and it is truly heavy to carry with me. So difficult. All I want is get my mom back and be with her forever and ever. I guess I was in denial and in shock ... now I realize that it did happened. That my mom is gone forever and that I will never hear her voice again or at least for a long long time, sometimes I wish I could just end it all and be with her. Don't worry, im way too chicken to do anything to hurt myself. I've had thoughts of hoping maybe today I will be in a bad car accident or something. I do wish my mom could come and get me butI know she loves me more than that. She wants the best for me and she wants me to be happy. I know she is watching over me. But I just do not want to deal with this anymore. its too much, too difficult, to painful. Three long unbearable months since she died. ARRRRGH, sometimes I just feel like screaming or hitting the walls, I need to get this pain out!!! I feel very overwhelmed and tired all the time. Will this ever stop?

Hi Charlie, I have that same feeling you're talking about "under confidence". I used to be secure with myself, pretty self confident and positive woman. But since my mother passed away ... that's history. I have no self confidence left in me. I feel afraid all the time. Tell me more about how you feel? I have not talked about this issue to anyone, its pretty embarrassing.

Today, I am not doing really good, started last night. Just came over me for no reason at all. Just been crying my eyes out. Had to sit in my car in the parking lot at work for a good 15 minutes before I could be somewhat presentable to come in to work this morning. ughhhhh, it sucks. Although the replies to my post were great and made me feel so much better about myself, today I just don't want to see or talk or deal with anyone. Im really tired, could not sleep really well last night, im really upset but mostly really mad. It's just so unfair that I have don't have my mom anymore. She was going to retire in just over one year, she was going to come and spend more time with me in FL (she lived in Canada), I was going to have babies and she was going to come and help me out, we had so many plans and now ... well ... no more plans ... I don't even want to have kids anymore. What's the point? My precious mom is not here anymore. She was so happy, had a great relationship, a great house, she was taking painting classes and had 5 grandkids that kept her really happy and really busy in Canada. She came to visit every winter in FL and was just sooooo happy,and then one day, she got sick, and died 4 days later. We had no clue she had cancer, we found out the day that she died. It was a very aggressive cancer, it was in her lungs (never smoked) and in her liver. I wish I could have one more day with her, one more hour, one more minute. I still needed her and I want to tell her so many things. She was my best friend.

It was my first Mother's Day without my mom yesterday and it was really hard. Actually, the whole week leading to Mother's Day was even worse than the actual day ... But I did something really nice to make me feel closer to her. My mom loved gardening and she loved butterflies so I created a small butterfly garden in the front of my house a few weeks ago, and yesterday, with the help of my husband, we added a few more plants that attract butterflies in the garden. I also tried to remember silly things my mom used to do and that would make me laugh. Butterflies are coming to my small garden everyday and I know my mom sees it from where she is and I know she enjoys it too. I lost my mom to cancer this past March. Its been true hell on earch since she's been gone and like you, I feel sooo sad, sooo angry and just don't understand why my mom had to die. But dying is part of life and I have to figure out how to keep on living with this huge loss. Just remember that when you feel really really sad and angry, that there are so many other people like you, like us, that are going thru the same thing. We are never alone. Hope you feel better today (im doing better today).

Hello, I have found this website about a week ago and I have been on everyday since then and finally decided to join. I have lost my sweet mom on March 3rd, 2006. She was my whole life, my best friend. She was only 56. She was a dedicated nurse working in a palliative care center and taking care of people who were dying of cancer. She herself died of cancer. It all happened so fast. We found out she had cancer the day that she died. She was doing just fine, never complained about anything, just feeling more tired than normal. She was planning to come and visit me to FL for a week but she died the day before she was supposed to come and see me. She ended up in the hospital early on a Tuesday morning (a pulmonary embolism took her to the hospital), doctors started doing all kinds of tests on her. My sister called me around lunch time that Tuesday to tell me that mom was in the hospital. So i bought a plane ticket and flew to be with her the day after (wedsnesday). More tests were done wedsnesday and thursday. Got the results on Friday in the early afternoon and she died at around 8:20 that Friday night. I never had the chance to talk to her about what was happening. She could barely talk and breath, she was getting worse and worse so fast. We were all there with her when she died. I can't take that picture out of my head, seeing her dead. Drives me crazy. I have been thru hell since then. I just can't believe that it happened. I just wish I could have one more minute with her, just want to hear her voice again one more time. I have been feeling all these feelings that we are all going thru, anger, emptiness, sadness ... Can't sleep, im so tired. Can't stop crying. Going to work is so hard. Yesterday, I had a really bad day. Today is not as bad, so far. I cried my heart out last night so I guess that's why im feeling a little better today. I have been getting mentally ready all week for Mother's Day. I bought her a card yesterday, not sure yet what I will do with it. I made a small garden (with plants that attract butterflies, her favorites) and plan on adding one more plant every year on Mother's Day for her. This is the only thing that I came up with to honor her on Mother's Day. I could go on and on talking about my mom but I will save some for next time. It's good to know that I am not alone.