nirac

I havent posted in a while, not sure why..not sure why the urge to now. last week marked a year that charlie is gone. a year, I dont knwo where this year went. the pain is worse now more than ever, I don't find it getting any easier with time, I will say yes some days are better than others, but then there are those days that turn into weeks and I just can't pull myself out of it. Tomorrow is my 30th bday, I skipped my bday last year and would like to skip it again this year but people wont let me. If u would have told me a few years ago this is where I would be at 30 I would have laughed. I finally won custody of his two children which was a sigh of relief for the three of us, it happened on his anniversary, it was a bittersweet day.but aqgain if u would have told me I would be alone and raising two teenagers on my own I would have died laughing,but I guess that is my reality now, and I dont regret the decison of taking responcablilty for the kids, in my heart they are mine. but its just not the life I signed on for, not alone!

It has been nine months this past Sunday since Charlie died. I am finding it soo much harder as days go on.. I don't know why people say it gets easier cause I am not believing that at all....I am so sad, and am finding it harder to go a day without crying. I don't want to think about Charlie,or our life togther because the pain is so unbearable,it physically hurts. But I am also smart enough to know that I can't continue to push it down and down because it will eventually erupt.I am at a loss here, can someone give me some advice? Thanks

This past week was 8 months since charlie died. It seeems like things are getting worse.I try to keep my mind off things but thats impossable, and when I think about it, its very difficult for me to understand and accept that this is my life now, my life without him. He is dead, I cant fathom that! I am now having a very much overdue meltdown. Life sucks, and I am so incredibly sad!

Its not crazy at all. I have charlies ashes in a heart shaped necklace and never take it off for any reason. The children also have one, it makes me feel so close to him and he is always with me.

Its been seven months since my love died. Idon't know who said it gets easier with time because for me I am finding it getting harder with time. and now christmas is coming and I just want to sleep thru it. If it weren't for the kids I probably would. This really effin sucks, The sadness physically hurts,I am so sad and can not get into the Christmas spirit at all....charlie loved Christmas, his favorite holiday ever, I cant help but think to this time last year and am so saddened by the way life has changed forever.

Thank u all that replied... another day, it wa a little easier today,which only means tomorrow will be harder! I am tryig to stay positiv but it JUST PLAIN SUCKS!

ugh I am in such a rutt these days, I can't pull myself out of it. The holidays are coming up,Christmas was Charlies favorite, I don't knwo how the kids and I are going to get thru, although the kids are doing so much better than me. I am the one having a hard time,i can't manage right now, everything is irratating me, its going to be 6th months in a few days and I just can't handle it, I thought I wwas strong enough to do this but I think I was wrong!

wmjsca, I am so sorry u had to endure that. But u need to remember he chose u!!! and ur right now is the time for u to start healing and mourning,and if its without his family then so be it! He is disapointed in his family I am sure of it,but proud of u! u just live for u and keep him alive in ur love for him.Please continue to come to this site, for it has helped me and hopefully will u too.

I feel ur pain so much. I was his fiancee for a year,then he got sick. we were going to be married in the hospital but he took a turn and died the day before.I waS included in everything,I had power of attorney, I was the sole benificiary. Everything was fine. He wanted me to have custody of his children, thier mother was barely in the picture.His mother aggreeed with this at the time.we were living with her when he passed. Howevr things went bad, her boyfriend moved back in, its was just a strained situaion, the children did not want to be there, so we moved, she was not happy about it, siad she didnt know me, I wasnt the right choice, he wasnt going to marry me, it was just a friendship ring. Well I no longer speak to her. When we went to order the headstone,it was to say beloved father and son. well wait a minute I will be on there, just because I dont have a piece of paper stating that I share his last name does not mean I am any less important than the mother.Fiancee is just a word just like husband!! dont let his family bring u down!u are the most important person, u shared an intimate life. u woke up with him every morning, went to sleep every night...screw them!!!!

I would not be considered an oldtimer I guess since I am only five months in, but I feel the same exact way. I wear his shirts and remember when he use to, it seems so long ago. I think about how we use to watch a show and can't believe he is not watching it with me. Some days I will be driving and just think is this real? oh my god he really isnt coming back! how can this be?

I am 29, lost my Charlie in May of 2010, am now raising his two children(their mother is not capable) and I am in noway going to start over with anyone.My job now is to raise these children like thier father would have wanted. I can't imagine being with someone else ever, I don't want to. Tidal waves hit me all the time. Just today I was driving home from work,in an ok mood, wa thinking about charlie but not sad, I thought about something and actually laughed then all of a sudden I am crying hysterically,thinking about him and remembering times we had and thinking bout what we won't have. Those moments justs hit out of the blue. It sucks!!

I too have some experiences where I believe my CHarlie is with me. I have felt him holding my hand while watching tv in the bedroom like we use too, I woke up feelig his arms wrapped around.b I sense when he is around, I get this heavy feeling around me,its hard to explain, but I know he is there then. I feel him with me when I feel an urge to turn the radio on and his song is on. I am not sure if one needs to come to terms with the loss before experiencing anything because there are some days when I feel like I have accepted it but then there are days when I am taking back and realize it all over again and can't believe it. It has been five months and I believe for me it is harder than the day he died!

I am 29, I turned 29, 12 days after my fiancee passed away. I understand exactly what u are going thru. I feel cheated out of my life with him. We didnt have children together, he had two from a previous marriage. I am now their guardian. I love them as if they are my own,but their not, and I wish that we had the chance to have our own. I look at people especially young people that are getting married or having children and it makes me ache all over. I am saddened but what will never be and what could have been. and of course u can cry to ur mom, thats why she is there for. I am sad,my mom just moved to Colorado ( I live in NY) she was with me for the last three months of Charlies life,when he got sick right up to he took his last breathe. I miss her terrably, but understand that she had to move,she now needs to be there for my 28 year old brother who just found out he has cancer. He and his wife just had their first child. So as sad as I am , I know she needs to be there to support him.

wow I really don't think u need that person in ur life right now. I am having an issue too with a friend. She is mad at me because I dont return her phone calls or really do anythin anymore. She said I was a bad friend, she just has never been thru this and doesnt understand that I dont want to talk,it hurts to much to talk.I just want to be left alone sometimes!

I have been doing ok for a few weeks. I started a new job, Charlie is always on my mind,everything about our life together,right up til I watched him take his last breath. But starting this new job was nice because it was a place where no one knew me or what I have been thru or continue to go thru.I could walk in everyday and not be greeted by coworkers or parents with sad,I feel sorry for u looks. Well yesterday a really nice woman around my age asked me if I had a boyfriend. She said she had a nice guy she wanted to fix me up with. I looked at her and was speechless, I now had to tell someone how five months ago I lost the love of my life,my best friend, the best thing that ever happened to me. I was ok when telling her,she was very apolagetic, she said she had no idea and blah blah blah. Well that was it, once I got inthe car to go home I lost it.Its not that it was a reminder of my loss, because like I said I think about it everyday all day long,but it just made me cry and cry and cry. and now today when I went to work it was very difficult, it was a different feeling than it had been for the past three weeks.I just dont want people coming uup to me all over again telling me how sorry they are. I am in such a rut now again,so depressed. I don't want to do anything. I am not sure I have really mourned. I am starting to realize he is not coming home,he's not sick inthe hospital or at work. I look at pictures and go back to that moment and just cant believe he is no longer here.I see this picture of a happy time, when he is so full of life and healthy looking and then I immediately recall how sick he was the last month of his life. I go to that last day before he died,I just can't believe this. I have to go now. very upset.

Hi, I don't know about legal stuff or anything like that but what if u have some of the ashes put into a neclace or piece of jewelery of some sort, then give the rest to the mother or son. That way u always have a piece of him with u. The funeral parlor here helped us out with that, My fiancee pasted away and the children and I have necklaces with his ashes, the rest of them we buried. Just a thought.

Who cares what people think, I don't. Because like u said until they have experienced what we have then who cares what they have to say. It has been five months since I lost Charlie and I still can't believe it! Its a struggle every single day, some days are not as bad as others. I don't know what makes one day worse than another or what triggers it. But the best advice I can give u is honestly to take it one day at a time, sometimes an hour at a time. Don't worry about wht others say or think,if u want to cry,then cry if u want to scream then scream. Only u are gonna get u thru this!

There is nothing wrong with that at all! When Charlie died ( may 6 2010) I slept with his tie, the funeral director took it off of him after the service an gave it to me, I still carry it around with me. I now sleep with a stuffed animal he gave me. Sometimes I sleep at my moms house and I have to bring it with me, or else I can't sleep. We also had charlie cremated, The children and I had some of his ashes put into necklaces, I wear it everyday and never take it off. We all mourn in our own ways, and if someone doesnt think its appropriate or its strange what we do then screw them, because until they have been where we are they have no right to judge! I am sorry to say welcome to this site, but hope it helps u.

HI,I am with u on everything u said. I lost Charlie in May. Tomrrow will be five months to the day. I cant go anywhere we use to go,or watch any movies or shows we use to watch. I couldnt listen to a radio for a while, if onne of his songs came on I broke, I now have come to accept the songs the he liked, I just tell myself that he is sitting right next to me, because every time I have the urge to put the radio on, its his song, that helps, however sad songs do me in. I know what a pain it is to hear people tell u it will take time, give it time blah blah blah. Time sucks. It has been five months and I still cry like it was yesterday. It will help u to come to this site, I recently found it. I dont come everyday but it does help me to read what others have to say who have gone thru this and are going thru this. and it does help me to say how I feel.

Melina, This past weekend for me was the first night alone as well. The kids both had sleepovers,and tho they both have had them before, I always had another family member spend the night with me. But for whatever reason no one did this time. I came home to an empty lonely sad house. It was horrible. I made it thru the night tho, It was hard but I did it. adn now maybe the next time wont be so hard.For u as well. U made it thru that first night alone and will do so again.

Melina, I understand ur pain completly. It will be 5 months in two days since my charlie has left me. I was doing fine for the past few days but today it hit me all over again. I am coming to the realization more and more lately that he is really gone. The first few months I was in a daze, life was blurry. I was just looking back at pictures from one month after he died, the kids had school functions right after and we took pics, I look like I am a zombie.Its crazy.How sick and tired I looked.I still find it hard to laugh, its difficult for me to go somewhere or watch something that he and I did together. I know tha tmay sound silly but I still cant watch certain shows or movies that were our favorite. Can't go to our favorite places. It will help u to do things. I constantly am having a lot of family over for dinners and stuff like that, it keeps my mind off of it, not completely tho, because its always in the back of my head that he is not here with us, but keeping busy does help,it also helps to come on here. For me it helps to read others post and know I am not the only who is feeling this or that.

Melina, I had a similar dream right after my love died. It has been four months since he passed away. A few weeks ago I dreamnt that I went to the hospital (he had been sick for a few months) and he was sitting there alive, there was a mistake and he was alive, I woke up from that dream like u feeling wrapped in his arms,it was such a strong feeling and it made me feel so close to him, I miss him so much.It feels like its getting worse than better.

Hi, I agree with Kath, bring a shirt of ur husbands. I always wear a sweatshirt of my fiancees. He had two favorites and whenever I feel like I need him close I spray his cologne on it and snuggle with it. It reminds me of him and gives me a little comfort to smell "him".

fairly new here still, haven't been on in a while. Its been a crappy week, I had to go to back to school night by myself and it was rough. Everyone knew who I was and wht I have been thru and still going thru,though they all had to sit and look at me with pitiful stares. It may have all been in my head but thats how I felt. I made it thru that night but still struggling. will there come a time when its not the first thing on my mind when I wake up and the last thing on my mind when I go to bed?? I wake up looking at the other side of the bed and feeling the emptiness fill the air. The pain hurts so bad

I do the same thing, I talk to Charlie in the car all the time,people prob think I a crazy... its also really hard around my lunch break,he always called me around the same time everyday,its difficult not to have that. as well as when he would pick me up from work, this just sucks! I am havn such a bad moment right now,thinking about him and all the little things he used to do to make me laugh, I am just so sad