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Lindakay

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Everything posted by Lindakay

  1. Kay I understand. I work, come home, do the motions, find a little joy with my dogs but it isn't the same. He used to be at the door with the dogs with a little smile for me. I was the high point of someone's life for 33 years. Now it's what high point, does it matter anymore? Almost three now for me. I had six months of thinking I might date again. Talked myself out of both of the guys I was talking to. Then a year of not even thinking about it.I have tripled the holiday decorations I put out. He wouldn't have liked it since he would have had to help. He was too depressed at the holidays. No parents and getting older in his mind. He used to like them when both our parents were alive. I blinged the master bedroom out since he died. It has a big fireplace and I enhanced it. Put fall coppery colors up there, I have a chandeliere instead of the ceiling fan. All crystals. Made it my room. Just put up a tree up there with all shades of copper ornaments. Then I have his pixs around??? I moved all family pixs upstairs. Don't want to make company uncomfortable. Have family and friend pixs in the guest room. They stay there and see I remember them.Hang in there. LindaKay
  2. I moved to my husband's side of the bed right away, because I couldn't bear looking over and not seeing him there. Sleeping on his side makes me somehow feel closer to him - lying where he used lie. I know I'll always miss him, but I hope that I'm able to move on and feel "sort of normal" after a year has gone by. We'll see, I guess. Melina Me too. I sleep on his side. Makes me feel closer to him too. LindaKay
  3. Melina It helps to change your rooms one at a time and make them absolutely you. It calms the mind. Even if when you clear and paint and change decor and such you may be crying. Anxiety attacks can happen when you picture them in "that" setting. A different look will help you move forward. I did the computer room first. It was all music albums and cds and reminded me too much. It's now a spare room with a pullout mini loveseat and library shelves full of books. It's a library with a purpose. Company can come. I love books. Got five full shelves. It was really hard dragging them up empty one step at a time alone.lol I did it after painting one wall at a time and putting shelves on the walls. Taking 1000 albums and shelves down to the basement room was hard too. It's set up like a nice music/living area with a futon now. Every change I'd make I'd say moving forward. Calmed me.LindaKay
  4. I had a wonderful sister in law that loved her brother. She came up for three weeks. She and I are Xmas babies. Her birthday on the 23rd and mine the 27th, We changed the holiday and decorated my whole house. I put up seven trees of different sizes, Outside decor and everything. It was great. Scott hated the holidays but would begrudging do it for me. This was less stressful for me. He was depressed for 8 years. So I loved him but it ruined my joy of the season. Next year my best friend came up for a week. We did 27th and past New Years together. This year I'm on my own. The house will be decorated and individual friends will come to dinner. Couples I know or girlfriends and their mom.. whatever. It's a more cheerful season even if underneath I miss him more than anything in my life.Change the routine because inevitably everything has changed anyways.LindaKay
  5. My sister is recovering from breast cancer. Her doctor said stress is bad for recovery. She and her hubby fight alot. She told him she won't play those games/she can't. Stress is bad for many things and health is one. I agree with someone said volunteering helps. It does take you out of introspecting too much. I have to admit that I have health fears now that he's gone. Cause I'll have to be alone to go through it alone. Not alone really, my family would insist I move home to Fla and be there in mass for me. But alone in the sense of your partner. My health fears are not for surviving the illness. Not afraid of death either. Just want to have things settled and my dogs to have a home. They are 12 now. I won't adopt any more. You're feeling more of a mental angst than a pysical symptom. It's the what ifs. Live each day/one day at a time. Don't think too far ahead or in the past. It helps. LindaKay
  6. I too did the remodelling thing after Scott died. It has become my house for as long as I can afford to live up here. It depends on job security. So far it's been five years up here away from my family. Coming up on three years in Jan that he's been gone. I am decorating for Xmas early. I have two sisters coming through on Sat for a night. They are taking the rest of the thorobreds home from Pa to Fla. I'm half way. This is the first time the older sister is seeing my house. I want her to see being up here alone isn't terrible. Nice home/job/neighbors/new friends. Still love my five sibs the same. They are all in Fla. I go home three times a year and some come up.Stay busy. It helps.LindaKay
  7. I have two cars bought new in 2002. They are Toyota RAV s. One black and fancier and one blue. I use the blue to put miles on work and back. The other has half the miles on it. He committed suicide in the black. It's pristine and he did not ruin the car. It was the car I bought for me with my inheritance from my mom who died late 2001. So it has mixed memories. I talk to him in that car when I drive it. I drove it to a charity bake sale last night at work. Putting my phone and card case in the console I saw his hankerchief he'd always have. Cleaned his sun glasses with it. I bought him whimsey ones. It was the Tazmanian Devil cartoon one. When I saw it...it was on the seat on the passenger side. I hadn't taken it out. Car is always locked. Guess it was a message from my Scott. I don't want to clean the car completely out either. I guess I have only one of my friends that I can share grief memories with. The others I spare. LindaKay
  8. Nothing is bizarre if you want to do it. I spread my Scott's ashes in places he loved...and my roses. It was a joke we had and he agreed long before he died.LindaKay
  9. I had a dream message last night. A pychic told me that many things in a message dream make no real sense but to look for the thread of the message. Well mine was of moving and getting new furniture/carpet/landscaping in the dream. I realized I had moved on a bit when my love died by remodelling our home. I wasted some money I didn't need to, That too was reflected in the dream/getting stuff I didn't really want. Then I was getting the message he was coming back. I worried whether he would like what I had done to the place. Then it clarified that he had died but he was still coming back. Not to me in this life but neverless he had chosen to come back. The pychic had told me when they're ready they will come back and live a new life. I'm sad but also glad if he is. I truly believe it was a message dream that I get occasionally. Never enough of them but always good to receive them.Linda Kay
  10. Dimcl, You're about my age and my husband of 33 years died two years ago. He was only two years older than me. We had no children and moved away from family to be in our dream vacation area of NC. All my family is down in Fla. Strange days indeed. You'll cycle. Just know they can sometimes send a message. You'll see others experiences in that. No loonies in our group. Grief is strange. Affects everyone differently. Nothing is wrong however you feel. LindaKay
  11. Not strange. I did the opposite. I made our king bed the guest room. I took two twins(new) and made it a king in the master bedroom. I sleep on them. Every now and then on a rainy stormy day. I sleep on our old bed(really rather new since we bought it up here when we moved here). I remember naps to calm the dogs nerves when it storms. All of us would snuggle till the rain slowed down. I feel no discomfort from the idea just wanted to start a new pattern to move forward/no on but forward from a sad time. LindaKay
  12. They should be respected. I lived with my love for 8 mo before I married him. We were married 33 years before he died. I think the awkwardness happens when they die because you will not be part of their family and may move on to someone else in your life. If you have kids together they would consider you as part of their family by proxy. I'm not saying this is right. I adopted my hubby's little sister as if she is my sister. My sister in law divorced my half brother and I kept her as a sister and best friend. I got those two together and they are like sisters now. I had moved up to NC from Fla. I'm not jealous, I'm happy and they include me as their family too.There are others here that have the same problem. LindaKay
  13. Journaling works for me but not daily. I do it as a letter to him when the need hits. I name the letters example one is : Look Forward but not too far/look back but not too long. I read it a year after. Cried my eyes out but realized I'm in a better state now. It helps. LindaKay
  14. My mom died and six months later Antique Roadshow was on. It had Madison Wis. and she was born 30 minutes away from Madison. Her maiden name was Kutz. There was a lady with the name Kutz that found a 1920 paper dress in her attic. They used to sew temporary outfits from paper and wear them. I called mom and when it was ringing...I realized she had died six months earlier. Glad my brother didn't answer. He was living in her home and kept her phone number for a while. Yeah, been there. LindaKay
  15. Melina, Why do any of us have irrational fears. I always felt safe. Snuggling under clean sheets next to my loving husband. He was my knight he could make me feel safe. He would laugh when there was tornado warnings and I'd go to bed dressed in jogging pants and clothes as in not night clothes. All because my mom told us as a child one of her clients survived a tornado but was stark naked in the middle of the mobile home park. It hit at night and mom was her insurance agent. So I wore clothes at night when it was bad weather. Why since he died do I prefer to sleep on top of all covers with a throw? I used to take a nap on rainy days and loved throwing a throw over us. I still change perfectly clean sheets as if I sleep on them. I rarely wear a nightie. Going back to jogging clothes. The mind is weird. Accept that things are different for now. I have a safe neighborhood and home. Two dogs and a gun beside the bed in a drawer. Why do I feel I was safer just because he was beside me? I killed my first poisonous snake in the back yard since he died. He always did that and I was a wussy about snakes. You can do what you have to when needed. Relax Meina and try to calm yourself. I actually heard his voice when the snake thing happened. I was thinking gun? shovel? It was him saying shovel/ now /quick/ kill it. I did what he would have done.LindaKay
  16. I hope it's just part of the adrendlin release you know fight or flee syndrome. I never went through the anger thing. Some others on here have felt it so you aren't alone.LindaKay
  17. Your life is not over. I have no kids by choice. It is nice you have kids but...you have a separate life. They grow up and move on. They may not have the time to hang with mom. I had an odd desire to go on a vacation without the purpose of being with a friend or family. It was just an instant of thinking what an adventure it might be to do that. I'd bear all the cost instead of splitting a cab/room with a close friend. But I might just do it one day. Don't be like your mom and life is not over/just crummy right now.smiles. LindaKay]
  18. It's possible. My dad came to me in a dream two months later. He said he wanted me to know it's not so bad and he was fine. Br thankful he can visit in your dreams. I get visitation dreams. You always feel good after one. Sometimes sad but good too. LindaKay
  19. This may sound weird for me to say. You don't have to go back to her. You no longer respect her because of that incident. Can I say that it is unreasonable that you may feel that no one could understand your grief if they are hasppy and have what you no longer have. I have no resentment of happy couples. I was happy/at least I have those memories. The pychologist seeing my husband had five appointments. They were doing ok when she up and gives him a name of someone for him to go to. She was moving to Alaska from NC in 2 weeks????She took on a new patient knowing that? He never went back. It was all I could do to not look her up and say, he committed suicide.It took me 8 years to get him to go.Ok I have a nosy neighbor across the street. The day he committed suicide, she came over when all the first response people showed up. Turns out I was wrong about her. Her son committed suicide years before from depression. They took me to her home for four hours. Poor Charlie her hubby was going through his own flashbacks because of mine.So the example is: don't assume. Get a grim smile for those times when you see happy couples walk by...tell yourself I was there. I had those times. Then you don't resent the ones that haven't gone through a loss.Everything you feel, there is no right and wrong but anger is not productive. Just puts you under more stress. Let me rephrase that statement. It isn't unresonable it is irrational to feel that way. We don't think rational when we have sooo many hormones from the grief. Like I loved my job of being community relations for 13 store managers. Fairy godmother job. I took a manager position in one store out of an irrational fear. I moved up here away from friends and family. I drove over 3 counties doing good deeds. They let me choose what to do and when and where. No one knew or questioned my choices. I thought since he always knew where I was going...who would miss me now if I got in a wreck. My dogs could starve before work or family knew where I was. See what I mean/irrational to expect others to know about your grief or somber their lives for you out of respect for what you went through.Goes into unrealistic. There's not that many really nice people that would care to do that for you or any of us. Most are not aware or sensitive to others.Take care, girl, be calm and things get a bit better. I won't say great just a bit better.LindaKay
  20. Sorry to hear about how she died. My mom was a three time ovarian cancer survivor. Died of a heart attack after fighting the cancer 8 years. My best friend does clinical studies/cardiac. She had an incident at work and it was good her doctors knew what to do. LindaKay
  21. Your life as you knew is over/but your life is not over. We learn to put our loved one that has died in a special place. A fantasy place where they live still/love still. It's called private memories. People handle death sooo differently. If it didn't happen to them, so many dismiss it for us. We can't. We're living it. So compartmentlize it. Make yourself step out of yourself and look at things like a third person. It helps. No, I don't have multiple personalities smile. I have learned it removes you from great sadness and allows you to give yourself permission to do something out of your normal routine/style/habits which when you're grieving aren't too healthy anyways. I have decluttered four times now in 2 1/2 years. Yes, I even found myself giving momentos away. Get your watch fixed and don't share what you know she has shown herself to be unrespectful of your feelings. Do remember belongings are not them. It isn't. I have kept a few favorite t shirts from places we visited and he loved. Yeah we all do have things. I gave and sold 90% of his clothes right away. He didn't even wear most of them. A neighbor(good one )saw me in a t-shirt he loved alot. She recognized it from a pix I had taken of him in that shirt. She asked if it was his shirt.. I felt a bit strange for a moment and said yeah, he loved it. I mean I was in old jeans and a t shirt. She meant no meaning but did bring it up. I read no double meaning from it either. Just privately wondered if she thought I was a nut. smiles. There are no rules about how we deal with it all. Just constantly move forward. Reward yourself for the effort. I too would like to be the high point of someone's day again. I have alot to offer someone/but I'm not desparate and won't choose someone just like him. No one can compare so it'll be someone different.LindaKay
  22. PS Don't fall into the mom trap. Yours would just be another burden for you. You can't stand up and walk carrying her as a burden. You have alot of changes to go through and maybe alone for now is best. If the son doesn't help, don't let him be a burden either. Tough love is also knowing how to survive first. LindaKay
  23. Wow. So you don't work, can't drive but not disabled other than eyesight? Can you get eye surgery or new glasses? I ask because it don't look like you have that social network some have. You have to decide if you need to move to be closer to a bus line/shopping/job possibilities. Forget the will. I was told when my sweet mother inlaw was alive. She only leaves it to living children. So if mine had died before her/I knew I'd get nothing. I was with him 33 years and she loved me but...she died first and then all her stock bankrupted throwing him into a great depression. She didn't diverisify like she was told to do, by a trust lawyer. Decline the dogsitting stating your animals need your care and you don't drive. One less stressor. Ask about taxi prices and make the outing count. That way you rely on only yourself. If your kid lives with you/eats with you...tell him he is expected to take you to the grocery store or starve.One less stressor... Sell the car if you don't drive/use the money for taxi money from here till it runs out. Why pay for something you don't use. Your son can buy his own. No car/no insurance worries costs or liabilities cause he's driving it. Get independent. I lost my hubby of 33 years at 54 and he was 56. Think of your home and realize if it's too far off the beaten path...look at those retirement communities. You may qualify or wait till 55. They drive you and have all kinds of outings.not every body is old/old. You know Faye Dunaway the movie star? She bought an apartment in Tampa behind one of the stores I worked for. It was maintenance free for her and I'm sure she had them other places too for travelling.She would have been in her 50's back then.Don't do for others that do nothing for you. I give/give/give all the time but they do give back. Yours are just bringing anger out. Change the stressors and the anger will subside. It's ok to vent here. We all do. It's not ok to not do things to change your situation. If you don't no one else will do it for you.Take the first step and learn to say no.LindaKay
  24. I have never had children. I can't imagine something that was part of you, brought into the world by you and losing them. Just don't be angry that he has his kids still. Be happy for him. Yes, you can be sad. You will survive it. I lost my husband of 33 years. The love of my life. Purchasing charms? I did jewelry for six months. Then I remodelled the house the way I wanted it. We all handle things differently.Don't hide too much from your husband. Many people lose a spouse after a death. They think the other doesn't care as much or miss them as much. Cling to him for support and you won't be alone in the sadness. Thinking about you. LindaKay
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