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heartaches

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About heartaches

  • Birthday June 25

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  • Date of Death
    March 24,2010
  • Name/Location of Hospice if they were involved:
    NA

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  • Your gender
    Female
  • Location (city, state)
    Canada
  1. Dear Sheiss, I send my support to you. In our hearts, we are all with you. I have no other words, as there are no words, just that we are with you. Karen
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  3. Hi, I am writing to let you know I have heard you, but I do not have any answers. I feel so sad for you. You went through such an incredible difficult and challenging time, having to clean out their home. So very very stressful. I do not know when this gets better! I think we continue to grieve for a long time. Some days will be better then others, even if those days are labeled the 'numb' days. But this is so very very hard. I was thinking that if I have a family of my own, I would be able to be a bit stronger,...but that is not necessarily true. You have your two daughters? You are there for them, as well as dealing with your sorrow. As I said before, I have no answers, because I do not know how to deal with this myself. I do not think anyone knows, we just have to get through this...for the people that are still around who love us. My thoughts are with you, Karen
  4. I am so very sorry this is happening to you. You have every right to be angry and upset. But my heart screams to you....please do not shut out your mother. Your mother has nothing to do with this, she is not responsible for this. Your dad and her are two different people. I am sure your mother loves you, and you love her. As for your father,...is a generation thing? This happens in the older generation. For example, in the rural farming community, sons would always be given the land (worth a lot) and the daughters would be given a sum of money, and expected that their husbands would care for them. It seems ridiculous to us, in this time, but in the past this was how it was done. This is how they viewed the world, this is how things were done. The world has changed, but these older people lived this way, grew up with this mind set, and it is ingrained within them. This could be a huge part of how the will was organized. However your brothers should have been more progressive in their thinking, as in including their sisters. I do think your father loved you exactly how you always thought he did. Take good care, Karen
  5. Oh guess who? It is me again!!! I just replayed 'Missy's Song' by Alan Jackson. Alan Jackson was one of my mom's favourite singers. I am sure she had this song before. There is a line in that beautiful, so meaningful chorus... 'Don't worry about me.'..... Now on that day of my mom's cremation, our family was offered coloured pens to write on her coffin. I must say, it was odd...but once we started writing, it was ok I wrote some words of love, then I added ps. 'Don't worry about me.' And I smiled because it felt so perfect. I just realized that connection. I must say I felt my mom's presence in those days following her passing...she was always with me, I heard her voice in my soul,..I feel she carried me through those days, as I would never have made it without her by my side. I picked all her country music for the celebration of her life, read her eulogy, designed her program, and made the DVD of her photos and music. The only thing I forgot...was a cross on the alter beside all the flowers and her photos. I realized that a week later, whilst at my aunt's funeral, when I saw her cross. Ooops. I am not very religious in that way, and I am sure if mom wanted a cross, she would have found a way to have one. Tonight is one of those nights where I just cannot eat...I just want to be alone, and cry. It will help me to heal. Thank-you for listening, Karen
  6. Dear Butterfly9, I have just read some of your previous posts, and in doing so, have answered some of my questions. I wish I had more time to read and write..everyone writes so beautifully. I really feel at home, surrounded by so many people who are going through the same thing, feeling the same, asking the same questions, looking for the same answers. It is so funny, as "Every Breath You Take' by the Police is on the radio. It comes on the radio, very very often when I am on this site. Now my mom did not really know of the 'Police,' or Sting...but it DOES make me smile, as in the lyrics of 'I'll be watching you.' It makes feel comforted. One time for sure, a couple of weeks after my dear sweet mom crossed over, I had just finished teaching a dance class, and was holding in my tears. I got into the van, and burst into a flood of tears. Before, on my journey to the studio, I had changed radio stations a few times...not sure what channel. So there I was driving, crying really quite heavily, and inbetween a sob, I heard Alan Jackson, and he was singing the chorus of that song of his...'Sissey's Song.' And I realized if I just shut up for a moment I could hear these beautiful words, as if my mom was talking to me. Which I believe she was. So I listened, stopped crying so loud. My mom had always told me not to cry so much, I think it breaks her heart to hear me crying all the time. So this would be a sign, where I knew in my heart, I could feel it so strong, not a mere coincidence. But it is true, that our faith in the afterlife (and in life in general!) is a bit shattered when we experience a loss. I never questioned it before, as I have had a few experiences myself, as did my mother. But now I question things that happen to me, but if I heard them happening to someone else, I would say 'of course that is your loved one communicating to you.' That is why it is so strengthening to read everyone's thoughts and experiences. All the best to everyone, Karen
  7. Hello Butterfly 9, It has been almost a month since I have read your note. I have not contacted either of the mediums, yet. I should really do so, although I would really like to have an in-person one on one. Did you really believe you were speaking with you dear dad? Was is very clear? How incredible that must have been! Have you read "Hello from Heaven?' One of the first books written on the subject, and it is so simply beautiful. I know I should begin a meditation process, I just do not want to be still! I need to keep busy, so I do not think too much. But of course my mom is always on my mind. I have read that through your own practise of meditation, you can still you mind, raise it's vibrations to meet those of your loved ones. I do believe that, as that what mediums do. I am still very very sad, and at times tired of 'the good fight' that I am trying to win. To continue on, to live through this. I think having a family, your your own kids, would really help one to live. Anyways, I digress! I will continue to research the afterlife, and hopefully find the right time for the right medium. All the best, Karen
  8. Dear Micah, It is true, the most important jobs are usually the less valued in this sad world. I do not think 62 years is too old. I think with your wisdom, experience and love, you should make it happen. The world will be a better place for it. You may have less money, and some insecurity at first, but I believe you will be so much more at peace with your life. All that happened to you with your dear mom, maybe occurred for you to see the true calling for your life. (?) You could start volunteering, and see how and where that takes you. I do not really know, but you know, so listen to your heart. I wish you all the best, Karen
  9. Hello, Yes I will never ever forget those final days. I cannot even write about it. It is like a video playing over and over again in my mind. It was so horrible, so very very sad. I try to think of happier times, all those beautiful moments when my mom was alive. Those should be stronger, what we should try to remember when we think of them. Impossible to control. So all I am really saying, it that I understand and share in your grief. I do not know how to get it out of my head. It was such a shock on so many levels. My mother had to die in a hospital, and the doctors and nurses were awful..rude and unhelpful. It was unbelievable, their behaviour and complete lack of people skills. The woman who handled my mom's funeral..was like an angel. I am getting off topic, but, death is bad enough for those that have to live on, especially when memories of harshness and stupidity are involved. Thank-you for listening to me voice my anger and sadness. All the best to everyone. Karen
  10. This will be the first Christmas without my mom. Last year my mom received lots of presents, she was a bit overwhelmed. I remember my brother saying to her that she is just like a kid. She received more gifts then her grandchild! Most of them were from me, I loved giving her things she would not normally purchase for herself as she was always trying to save money. I think that is that generation,...having grown up during the depression. This year I will arrive home...and my 87 year old father will pick me up from the airport. Bless him. This x-mas there will be my brother, his wife, his child, dad and me. We will have to celebrate for the little one, who is seven. Just the other day she was crying for her grandma. Her dad told her grandma was in heaven and watching over her. And she said, 'yeah but she can't tell me stuff.' It breaks my heart. SHe spends a lot of time now with her grandpa, keeping him good company. She had a wish bracelet, ...when it falls off, her wish will come true... then she was telling me that she found a better wish. but she could not tell me. She had to take the bracelet off, and have a ceremony putting it back on, with her new wish. Of course she was very serious. I am sure you can guess her wish...that grandma would come back form heaven and be with grandpa, so he would not be so sad. So Christmas is for her...for my dad, my brother and his lovely wife. The family I have left. I know I am blessed to have them. My niece will remember this, how her family celebrated, how we continue on with love. For her, for my mom's memory, in the spirit of her. This is easy to say...now. I know when I return I will be devastated. Well, I am so sad every day anyways, but I know this will be very very difficult. As I know it is for every one of you. If I didi not have a family, I think I would volunteer, trying to bring some joy to those in need. I think that!...I could easily just hide and be alone and cry, too. And you know, that would be ok too. Every day is hard, Christmas is just another day. Thank-you for letting me share my Christmas thoughts.
  11. Dear Butterfly9, Thank-you for the information regarding Patrick Matthews. I hope this is not too personal of a question, but are you considering having another reading from him? Was your previous reading via the telephone? I am considering meeting with a medium, but finding someone via 'word of mouth' is not too easy. I find it very difficult to simply trust someone I have not ever met... In the meantime I will try and find his book. Thanks again, it was just what I needed to see this morning! Karen
  12. Hello Christine, I am feeling the exact same way as you are. I lost my mom 6 1/2 moths ago. I have heard the first year is the hardest,...then I heard it is actually the second year that is the worst. I think we just have to accept this, that every day will be hard, some days harder then others. It is 3pm, and my eyes are still puffy from my midnight crying, sobbing. I am wondering, do strong, resilient people handle this better? Is it maybe because I am too sensitive, weak, feel sorry for myself, want to be sad? Of course not, as I know I am so sad because the most important person in my life is gone. Grief is normal, and there is no 'proper' length of time when it is too much. It is heavily traumatic. As I was walking home today, I was thinking that for the first few months, I was trying to live with it, striving to be strong, carry on. And now, I've done that,...I have proved I can survive, and continue with my life before. And now what? Here it is, this is it, and I hate my life without my mom in it. I am tired of trying to continue on. It is getting worse! It is not getting better. I feel like I put on a shield to do this or that, and it is heavy, this mask. Inside I am a depressed, always making an effort. And as you said, some will not understand,...people who have not experienced a loss seem to be from a different planet. That is why connecting to this site is so vital. A friend told me the hole in her heart, eventually got softer around the edges, but the hole is still there. She is 60 and she lost her mom 1 year and 1/2 ago. She has a great career, kids and grandkids, and she still misses her mom everyday. So cry when you need to cry! Read books to help you. Stay with this site, and find other sites too. Be sad, because you are sad, there is no denying that fact. There is nothing else you can be... Just be sad, be in your pain. I know I am sounding...kind of practical zen like (!) I am trying to figure this out for myself as I type this. I am glad you have your kids, but your husband sounds totally useless! Feel free to vent more!!! Hug to you, Karen
  13. Hi Kim, Yes no one will ever love us like our moms did! I love that point in life when you realize your mom is a person too, (not just your mom). I discovered that when I first moved away for university. Then she soon became my best friend. Your statement about you having a sense of strength by way of your mom's death..that resonates with me. It is true, things like this will make you stronger. And that she taught you a lot in life and in her death. It is finding some light in all of this. At times I feel I can find those glimmers. I think in time, this is what will sustain us. I cried when I read your paragraph about your mom's last day. Yes, I have read, the dying usually wait till they can be alone, to let go. It sounded peaceful for her. And it is true, typing, putting into words the situation, almost absurd. Is this really me typing about my mom? About her death? Wait I have to call her and tell her all this...almost feel like I can..., I want to tell her all about this. She would be so interested, and why cannot I not just call her? She would be the greatest help to me now, helping me with her strength and love. I kind of just have to detach from myself to carry on and type. I am glad you have your brother. I have a brother too, he is older, and he is very supportive, and very very upset too. My dad is 87, and still living at their home. And he hasn't moved anything either. Well when I go home (I live in another province), that is my thing to do or not to do. Her blouses still hang on the closet door knob, her favourite fleece on the other door. Her clothes still folded on the chair, her purse underneath the chair. While she was in the hospital I started sleeping with her housecoat! I told her that I was doing that, the following day, and she did look at me in a very surprised way. I think she thought she would be home in a few days, and why was I making such a fuss? I slept with it for the following two months, and it is still there in my bed at home. It is very comforting to have all her things still in place. She often lied on the bed to watch tv,... so afterwards you could either find me or my brother on that spot, just breathing in her place, trying to be close to her, where she always used to be. And yes, animals are great! They are nothing but love on 4 legs! And they are also very intuitive. And I believe when you are crying, your mom is right there with you. Thought is energy, we are all energy, and your thoughts will bring her to you. I am glad you have been having visitation dreams. But the point is we have to go on living, and cannot depend on these visits. We have to find our own strength, that is why they are not as often as we wish. My mom saw her sister,..her older sister appeared before my mom. My mom was in Arizona, her sister in Canada. Her sister died, and at that same time, appeared to my mom. It was in the middle of the night, and in the living room, her sister sat in the chair across from her. My mom said she looked really young, and healthy, and she said she was fine, and ok. My mom went back to bed, and the phone rang shortly after saying her sister had passed. Well that is all I can write for now, take good care, Karen
  14. Dear Kim, Thank-you for your thoughts. I am very sorry about your mother. It is so very very hard. Every day. I am 47 years old! Your mom was only 4 years older then myself. I certainly do not feel old myself. Your mom was so young! My mom was 78, and some people say oh that is so young, or so old, whatever their perspective is. It is all the same, no matter how old you are, it hurts the same. I am lucky I had my mom as long as I did, and so sorry you lost your mom so soon. I think we never get 'over it.' We learn to accept it, I guess in time. I do not know where I would be if I did not believe she was with me, watching me. I have experienced so many signs -scents, coincidences, and dreams. But until I see her form standing right before me, I will keep wishing for that. Don't know if that makes me sound unstable, but I have to speak my truth. Love never dies. Just because she is not in her body, does not mean the relationship is over. Love survives. I must admit, I do hope my beliefs in an after life are true. It is a faith we must have. I have seen a ghost and a spirit in my past, but still, I feel my faith is questioning, because now it is so real, my mom. Well we both believe we will see our moms when we die, and what joy will that be!!!!!! Then we will say, 'oh if I had really known this, then I could have lived with more peace.' But right now we are here, living now, in this grief and despair. You have a long life in front of you, and you will experience a great many joys (and tribulations), and your mom will be with you every step of the way. And your mom would want you to enjoy your life. Easier said then done! That is my wise older self taking to you. The real me is just enduring life, and I cannot imagine having to live too much longer. I am not interested in living. I will not do anything to take to my own life, but I will welcome my death. I have not kids, but if I did, I certainly would not say that. Everyone has to live through grief, eventually. Others live one,..I know I just have to find something worthwhile in life. I am my mother's daughter, living on in her honour. She will live on in me, so I will strive to be strong, gracious and kind. Maybe if I think of that when I laugh and find joy, she is too. But if I continue to cry and be so so so sad, she will feel that, and be upset for/with me. And I do want her to be at peace, and not to worry about me. I do not know any answers. This is the first time I have experienced this. The very worst had happened. And I feel it is just getting worse! This is all I will write, I do hope to hear from you again, and anyone else of course. Take good care of your self, Kim, Karen
  15. Hi Patty, I have heard you, and I understand. I am exhausted emotionally. I feel like the strength that was within me is diminishing. I was talking to my dad on the phone, quietly crying my eyes out. I did not want to upset him, as he spoke about doing the his bedding laundry. Things my mom used to do. It has been 6 months and a week now, since my mom passed. We just have to cry, and then rest. Not plan ahead. Just be gentle and quiet with ourselves. Take one minute, one our at a time. I think I have been trying way too hard, and I need to slow down, and sit in this grief. We have to be in it, as it will not go away for a long time. Our power is to meet it, and be in it. Hope I am making some sense! I am trying to be strong, say something of a positive, supportive light. But at the end of the day, this is so awful, just the worst. I miss my mom so much.
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