gigi

Thank you all for reading and answering my post. Although it has been almost five months since my sister Gina passed away, it feels like yesterday! Most times I think I'm okay until I hear or see a song, a television show or the sound of a laughter that reminds me of hers'. Then the tears flow like Niagara Falls all over again. It does not matter where I am at the moment grief hits there's no way to stop the flow of tears!! I cannot believe that she is gone in the physical sense. At times I find myself wondering, how can the sun still shine? The rain still fall? The birds still sing? Was my sister's death so insignificant that the world still exist as before for so many others? I know it's my grief that brings these thoughts to my mind, if only for a short while. My mom has been hit the hardest of all and I pray to God that she suffers no other losses. I tell all my siblings to please take care of yourselves that mom would not survive losing another child. She is in fragile health herself and I pray for her to receive the strength necessary in trying to cope with her massive loss. I will be returning home soon to spend more time with her.

I live 5000 miles from my family and would visit once a year for a few months at a time. I never thought my big sister, who was also my friend and second mom would be the first our family would lose. I was always so close to her even though many miles seperated us! She helped to raise the younger kids (including me) when my dad left my mom so many years ago. My sister never experienced a normal teenage life. All my life I thanked her in so many ways for her sacrifice. But, words cannot express the immense loss I feel in my soul. My mom recently told me that my sister was told last year that her kidney and liver was failing. I knew she had diabetes, heart problems and acute bronchitis but organ failure? I also only now was told by my mom that she had contracted hiv and hepatitis c. Both from her druggie husband. My sister always hoped her husband would change. She never knew how sick he was and was never told. My mom knew my sister's condition and I wish she told me! I would have spent every waking moment with my sister to help make her life easier. I feel abandoned and wish I was told how sick she was. I knew Gina wasn't her usual bubbly self and now that I look back on the last time I saw her I'm feeling guilty for not seeing how sick she was and wondering if I could have helped her. I took care of all the arrangements for Gina. I could not let my mom handle any of it. Although I lost my sister, she buried a child. I pray for her every day, her health is not good and I will be returning soon to take care of her. Has anyone else out there not been told that a loved one was gravely ill? How do you deal with the emotions and the profund sadness that finds me on my knees crying????????