Hi,
I'm new to the group and I've been reading a lot of the posts. I must say, they have helped me a great deal. I don't feel quite so alone in all this, or as crazy! I'm just so, so sad and it's not going away. I don't want to leave the house if I don't have to and I sleep all the time when I'm not working. I don't spend time with my friends because I don't want to "bring them down" or make them feel uncomfortable because they don't know what to say. I haven't really talked to anyone about how I'm feeling. "I'm fine" is the answer I give because I just don't think anyone really wants to know. The few times I've tried to open up, I feel shot down by the responses I get. I'm horribly indecisive, very distracted and forgetful and don't get any enjoyment from anything anymore.
I've always thought that if I act OK and put on a good face, then I'll be OK. That's not working out so well for me right now. I have always been the strong one in the family and because I know I can't be that right now, I avoid my sisters. This, I know, is wrong. I need them and I know they need me but I'm just having a hard time getting to it. The girls have been looking to me for some guidance and I've kept them waiting, which has to be bad for them. I just didn't know what to do.
This year, I lost my Daddy on April 3rd, 5 days after that I lost my sweet dog of 10 years, I lost my home on June 25th and my Mother on June 28th. And of course, Dad's birthday was just a few weeks ago and I didn't leave my bed for 3 days. I've said these words out loud many times but as I sit here typing them and crying uncontrollably, finally dealing with all the loss, I find myself comforted by the fact that you are all going through the same things...and I'm not alone.
I, too, have had people wonder why I'm not "getting over it" and I think the reason is that I've delayed it because I didn't want to deal with it and if I didn't deal with it maybe it would just go away. Your posts have shed a little light on the fact that everyone has their own time frame for grieving and I've put it off long enough. Even my own husband (who has never lost anyone close) said to me last week that I just needed to get over it and stop using it as a crutch for my behavior. To which I responded with a very unladylike 4 letter phrase and hung up on him. We didn't speak for 3 days.
Last night (at a tavern of all places!)I felt comfortable enough to tell 2 good friends that I was sorry for neglecting them and being so distracted but I was just so sad and not getting over it easily. The outpouring of love and understanding from them was so incredible. They thought I was OK because I said I was and acted like I was. And I think it made a very direct point to my husband that there is no time line.
This site was like a flash in the dark for me and I feel so lucky to have found you. I will be sharing this site with my sisters so that we can all really begin to heal together.
Tea
(photo is my Mother and Daddy)
