kam

Thanks for your response Niamh! I was getting stressed that I was going to be alone and talking to myself here as well. I am glad I found this site as well, after being pushed out of my job (I know how you feel, loved what I was doing and was looking at being there a long time) and coming back to Florida (thinking there were people here that would be there for me) I am finding I am once again left to my own resources. Most of my life revolved around work and now without work and without having the biweekly dad phone call and looking forward to getting his cards and phone calls on holidays and my bday, I feel so alone. I try to reach out and get back out there, but feel myself pulling back. My cousins wedding is coming up and although I cannot really afford to go I conviced myself that I would, now I am dragging my feet for fear that I will sit at the wedding crying my eyes out or worse yet spend money I dont have to end up sitting in my hotel room. I know things are moving in the right direction, its just after being "asleep" for a year I am working hard not to push it in this first month that I am trying to get back out there. I am trying hard to stay busy and not think about tomorrow and no phone call, went to the mailbox today and there was no birthday card... Thank you for letting me know its ok to still cry although I doubt the last two guys I interviewed with would agree...but at least I got out there! I agree with that you said about people thinking this is the flu and we should just "get over it"....I have one cousin close by and he wont let me in his house if I am "blubbering"...hmmm same word my EX shrink used! I have no kids, few friends and no family that understands how much I miss him as I was the only one close with him throughout my life. Anyway...I am rambling now, just stressing.....thanks for your kind words and birthday wishes and hugs...I know I will make it through, I just dont know what the reason is.... :-(

Happy Belated Birthday LostDaughter. I understand how you feel, Its been over a year since dad passed and I always want to be alone, but dont. My birthday is coming up and it feel especially hard this year as there will be no birthday card and no phone call. I am trying hard not to think about it, but am trying to minimize the pain on that day by contemplating how I will handle it. It just seems there is always a compromise. I am finally learning [by reading through the many posts here] that I am not crazy and not alone and its ok to feel what I feel. It will take time not to miss the birthday cards and phone calls, but I am closer to moving on with my life. This is my belated birthday wish for you, to be kind to yourself and know you will work through this in the time you need to do so. Much love, happiness and hope kam

As I journey through these posts I am glad to know I am not alone, but sad to know we all are going through this. My dad and I were extremely close and there was no one else in the family that was. After he passed I was pushed out of my job (you are not mentally fit to do this anymore) after a year of 14 hour days and moving very far from home. I am not sure if I feel guilt still (over a year) because I should have/could have stayed with dad rather than running back to a job that was not going to have any compassion for what I went through just 4 days before returning to work. My brother, sister and mother (divorced from dad for a while) were over it like the next day. No one understands why I am still crying and cant move on. My brother asks why I cry for someone who is now at peace - would I deny him that? Maybe it is just selfishness, he was my best friend and my daddy. He was always there for me - good or bad. I could tell him anything and I knew he loved me unconditionally. He died and there was no one to grieve for him except me. I wonder if that is why I still grieve, how could someone [i thought was] so wonderful have no one that cares that he is gone. I cry, but it feels like its not enough. I have lost friends and family members (that were way to young to leave us) and gotten psaat that, but I cannot move on from the sorrow I feel on a regular basis due to the loss of my dad. I want to leave the house, but dont want to be around people because I feel like I should be "better" by now. The few friends I do have stopped calling and when someone does reach out I dont even want to reach back. I watch my phone not ring and dont know how to get back to some type of a life. I am so lost I dont know what to do. I dont even know how to finish talking about it because it all feels like a nightmare. Today or tomorrow I would get the card and then on Monday the birthday phone call and it wont come this year because he is not here.....I miss him so much, I often tell people I feel like an 80 year old woman who lost her husband of 52 years. My health is failing because I dont take care of myself, whats the sense - no matter how hard we fight to live it will all end someday.

Hi Renee Congratulations on being strong and getting through NCLEX (not easy). I have never thought about writing dad a letter. I am like you, so pissed at him for dying...guess that is very selfish. There is no one to mourn with me or share with so I sit here wondering how to move on. I know he chose his time because I was on track, great job, loved wher I was living and then he passed and I lost it all. Its been just over a year now and I am still finding it hard to do anything. I finally went to see someone and that actually made things worse. The doc kept telling me what a waste of life my father was and I should not miss him. I am so conflicted now. I am glad I have found this site and hope reading how others have worked through it and knowing I am not alone in holding this hurt will [hopefully] help me to continue to try to move on. His birthday is coming soon and my goal is to be able to remember him without crying. I thought my cousin losing his 21 year old son would help put things in perspective for me (dad was 80) but it really hasnt. Its just all so surreal and the longer I stay in this mindset the more I think I will never be able to move on. :-(

Hi LostDaughter, I know how you feel, when you say you dont know which is grief and which is depression. Because of my dads death I was forced out of my job and had to pack up and move back across the country because I was alone in a state where I knew no one, just worked there...not that where I am now is any different. I know people here, but I am still alone, no one calls and I dont call anyone...guess I should have stayed where I was at least I liked it there. Anyway, I came back and two months later had to watch my cat of 22 years die in front of me. Luckily I have the ability to teach online because I go on interviews and cry in front of the interviewer, so I stopped even looking for a job. I am about to lose my home because online does not pay enough to live on and all my shrink keeps saying is go bankrupt and stop crying over your dad he wasnt worth it! Yes, stopped going to the shrink and just locked myself in the house....not good, but I dont know what else to do. I hope you ahve gotten the help you need. If anyone has anything to share and help me move on it is greatly appreciated. My dads birthday is coming up soon and I am dreading that. Everyday I want to call him and knowing I cant I just sit here and cry....how can I make it stop, I am too young to stop my life now. :-(