KmB22

Thank you Linda I will check it out. I'm so sorry you're having a difficult time as well.

Thank you again Marty. It's true, it certainly wasn't easy at times. I used to also say it's so hard to be the nurturer, teacher, and disciplinarian all at the same time. Unfortunately the balance of everything gets thrown out of sync through divorce, especially with a non-supportive ex. Though I had to let go of most of that pain and anger to keep myself sane (for the most part) I still have some resentment for the many times he could have made it just a little easier...even now. Shawn, my son, was also my rock. He was rarely unhappy, always upbeat, smiling, and helping everyone around him. Ours was the hang out house where the kids were almost every day (a couple still stop by often) until he decided to move out to his first place. I thought THAT was such a huge loss at that time but I was happy he was growing up so well and responsibly. He was the one I didn't worry about! My youngest was, and is, a different story. He's 22 and he isolates. He's had quite a few struggles these past few years but he refuses to speak about them. When I try, he gets upset, when I offer to find him help, he gets upset. He allowed me help with the details of some of these struggles but again when I tried to speak about them the typical response was "I'm not Shawn, I don't like to talk about things!". I love him so much but I can't seem to reach him. He had been in the military for some time prior to being injured and coming home. Through our letters I thought he had started to open up to me. His letters were so kind, loving, and thoughtful. I thought finally we had crossed that line and he could trust me enough to tell me his feelings. But when he came back, he shut right down again and now this. I'm petrified of what this is doing to him but he won't talk to me about it and I'm at such a loss. People tell me let him be and when he's ready to talk he will but I know how far he can shut down and don't know I have the strength to watch him fall...I'm at such a loss. I try very hard not to think of unfinished business. Though Shawn and I fought, at times, we would usually both go off feeling justified for a while and one would always come around. I have no doubt it would have happened this time as well. I know I raised a good man. There were well over a thousand people, who came through to pay their respects, who told me so just in case my constant doubt of myself told me I could have done better. This too would have passed, in my heart I know. The last time I saw him he gave me a hug, said Mom I love you don't worry we'll work it out. That's the part I have to hold on to. Most of all I really miss him and just don't know where life goes from here.

Thank you Marty, I have seen many of the articles and have been reading these forums for days trying to stop the feeling of isolation. My family is so fragmented and my hope they would be supportive through this...well it was only another disappointment added on to all the ones before. He was my oldest child whom I had been a single parent to since he was five. He was soon to be 26 and had just been married only a short nine months ago to a woman with whom he shared a once in a lifetime love with. He was trying so hard to do everything right. He owned his own home, just got married and had just started back at school to finish his engineering degree. He had worked all day, went home to have dinner with his wife, and headed off on his bike for school. A 73 yr old man pulled out of his driveway in front of him and he just couldn't stop in time. The only solace is we were told it was instant and there was a priest who happened to live close by who stayed with him until the paramedics arrived. I keep wanting to say the worst part, but there have been so many. At the moment, I struggle the most with the fact he and I had been in our own struggle, with our relationship, this past year. I may feel safe enough here someday to share this but the short story is some hurtful things were said and, because he unfortunately inherited my stubborn side, we hadn't resolved it. Part of me thinks, though I was so very happy for his happiness and I couldn't have picked anyone better for him, I still struggled with the fact that someone else's thoughts and feelings were more important than mine. There had been times throughout the years, especially those teenage just starting to drive ages, when we had had struggles in the past but, this was the first we hadn't gotten over it in a very short time. I don't doubt he knows I love him, and people keep trying to tell me he wanted to resolve things but, right now, this only makes it worse as we ran out of time. Thank you again for reaching out. I've read many of your posts and appreciate the love and kindness shown to everyone on here struggling with the unimaginable pain of losing someone we love.

I feel so lost, so alone. I've read through these forums almost endlessly and know there are so many feeling the pain as I but in my small world...I still feel so alone. It's only been 2 weeks since I lost my son but they all seem to be moving on so unaffected. People already have gone away as if it's all over now and we should all move on. My heart just cries, though I feel so numb. Only a couple still stop by and I feel I need to hide my grief to not make them away too; though it makes me so sad to know no one cares enough to hear my pain only two short weeks later. People can be so inappropriate, they can be so insensitive. I try not to get angry, it's sometimes so hard as it's the only emotion which tends to make me feel safe...but I hate it so much. I wish I could just disappear.