HisEvelyn

12 weeks today. I feel this way every day. Cry everyday. I've gotten tired of my own emptiness. he last two weeks I keep doing things I use to do. It feels empty and it feels fake. But it use to be real and it use to be "us." I keep doing it anyway. They others are right about the other important people in your life. I know I love them and need them. The fact that I feel so empty even when I'm surrounded by loved ones and things I use to love just proves that this is a process and not permanent. I can't imagine my life without my family anymore than I can imagine my life without Mike. He's not here anymore accept in my memory of him, which I need to honor. If you can manage, just do it anyway, plug away, plug away, plug away...I can't tell you when it will get easy because I don't have a clue and I'm just doing it. What other choice do I have? How's that for positive and negative all at the same time? I just can't help it. Everyone keeps telling me to be positive and that all will be ok. Which is fine, but they can't seem to handle the negative, the sadness. Make me even feel bad for it at times. So plug away, because what else can we do. Even if you don't feel it. I don't feel it. But I know that it's ok that I don't feel it YET. I know I have to, even if it doesn't feel like me, YET. And I know the bad and the sadness and the "why even bother" in me is ok, too. For now...I just have to keep plugging away...

Struggling with the "why, God?" myself. In 2001, Mike and I had what we considered the "year of death." Starting in Dec. of 2000, my parents lost a pet, in Jan. 2001 one of our close friends also lost a pet, I lost my great-aunt. In March, Mike's wife left and divorced him, Mike's father passed, Mike's wife's father passed. In April my Dad lost his twin brother (first sibling for this family) and my Mom lost one of her brothers (first sibling for this family) and of course we had friends that lost family members and then there was 9/11. Mike struggled for years over this year. More recently for me, in the last 4 years I have lost 3 friends, two pets, Mike's Mom and now Mike. But I started going back to church again. Death is part of life. God has a plan for us even if we can't see it now. Telling myself all of the cliche's. Don't believe any of them yet, but I really want to....

I think this is probably quite common with someone who's experiencing grief. Too lash out I mean. I lost my "significant other" 12 weeks ago. We'd been best friends for 13 years and together for 9. He had gone through a bad divorce at the same time he had lost his Dad and never got over it. He also had addiction issues, especially with alcohol. We definitely had our problems but I loved him and he loved me. His mother passed 2 years ago and for some reason, this last year was especially hard. When he felt bad, he lashed, in words, extremely. He threw tantrums and said things just to say them. He often stated he wanted us "to break up" but he never really meant it, this was just his own insecurities. His sister who is almost 15 years older and lived in a different state always acted like "his mother" even though she was never part of his life and judged him for his lifestyle and felt she knew him and us. She didn't. In thirteen years, they had very little activity and knew each other mostly through phone calls. She moved away 5 years ago to a different state. She also judged me, especially since his outlashes were always about me, but that was just because I was the only one there in his life and the one he could lash out on and to. It was just his process, and yes we both knew it was immature, but we were open about it and worked on it. He new how to push my buttons and I would not always be mature either, we're human with human errors. Accept his sister demands perfections and holds "human fault" as either disgusting or unworthy. She turns her back often even on family. But he knew this about her too. It never really bothered him, he accepted this in her as her "human fault" and he was dedicated to family and loved her. Unfortunately, since he passed so close to his mother's passing and he was a bit of a procrastinator, he died without a will and she has come into town with full control. Control being her best attribute. Sorry for the long story but I felt a bit of background to help relate it to this post. The point being...she too is grieving, even though she doesn't like me or get along with me. She's "judging" my relationship with her brother as one sided because he would often bitch and complain about us, and two days ago she emailed me a hateful letter that came right out and stated that I killed him, was a "cancer to his soul," that he hated me, etc. We're not a part of each other's lives so I just wrote her back a letter wishing her a better understanding of addiction and peace. It hurts like hell that she hates me so much and places so much on me. But I just try to remember that she's grieving, too. And since we're not really part of each other's lives, I just have to learn to let it go. Granted it's not discrimination like you experienced, but I think that might just be a separate issue. Also, it doesn't help with finding a place with a group, I just hope that my story can help you not feel so alone and find you can find some peace and solitude that others are grieving too. Which I guess is the whole point of all of us being here. In support of us not being alone, really her insensitive and inappropriate comment just shows that we all are grieving and we are NOT alone. Also, I find I get very little understanding in general, because we were NOT married. On a separate note, if you don't like how the law will handle your estate after you're gone, make sure you leave a will. God bless to you. I hope you find what you need and peace.

Melina, Tammy's right. It's been 72 days for me. The laughing and the smiling even sometimes makes me cry, because I cannot turn to Mike and share it with him. But that just reminds me that he is always with me. And the crying does validate the love you feel. There's nothing wrong with missing that love and why wouldn't you? I think I'd feel worse if I didn't want to cry. But I am laughing and smiling sometimes too. Prayers and Hugs, Evelyn

My positive: Our last week together was one of the best weeks we probably ever had. It was extremely intimate. Almost fortelling. When ever I'm feeling as if it maybe overwhelming me or that I'm losing Faith, I try to remember that our last week was a gift from God. I want to believe that that is the truth. So it is.

This is my first post. It's been 10 weeks. I cry every day. In moments. My days are normal, but I go through them in a daze. I do have happy moments. But then I want to turn and tell him about it, and that is gone. And that's when I cry. Cry when I'm laughing, or smiling, or joking. And realizing that we will never do any of that again. I feel okay to cry. I do feel it validates, and I do appreciate what I had...crying reminds me that I use to be happy and that I know how to be happy and how to love. But everyone around me is too worried that I cry. I do it privately, so no one is uncomfortable. Reading all of your posts have helped. Thank you.