Melissa G.

I lost my dad on May 4, 2010 and I lost my mother-in-law, who was more like a mother to me on September 16, 2010. I went through a period of time where I was pretty much paralyzed emotionally. Now my mom is dating quite a few men and going back to the way she was in my childhood. So in addition to the loss of the two people who were my best counselors and friends, I now have to go back down a painful memory lane and also deal with the person she is now. A selfish, narcissitic person who cares more about her men than her children and grandchildren. Thanksgiving was rough and bittersweet because I have the memories of last year when Gloria and my dad were still with us. We spent last Thanksgiving with my husband's family in California and we were able to give my mother-in-law a very happy final Thanksgiving. My dad and my mother-in-law had been very ill for years so their deaths weren't unexpected. Sometimes, I flashback to watching them both get sicker and sicker and then I see them both lying there dead. I have avoided seeing a counselor through HOV or group therapy for reasons I don't quite understand. I know I need them and I know I have been unable to really do this on my own. My husband is great and supports me but I thought I could count on my mom. All she seems to care about though are her string of men and how she looks. She is a disappointment and I can't help but feel that my kids had 3 grandparents and they are stuck with the worst one. My mother-in-law was the grandmother everyone wanted and my kids were so close to her and my dad was all about family. My mom is all about herself. How can I heal? Why are the holidays so hard? Will I ever feel right again?

My mom started dating again less than 4 months after my dad died. She was honest with me about everything and from a logical standpoint, I understand but emotionally, I just wish I didn't know about it. She was my dad's caregiver for the last 3 years of his life and especially the last 4 months. He was constantly in and out of the hospital and the truth is, he was very nasty to her. Some people can be very sick and do so with dignity and not lash out at loved ones. That was my mother-in-law before she died 3 weeks ago. Other people are horrible, mean and nasty when they are terminally sick. That was my dad. It still just seems too soon. Maybe it is a way for her to cope and to escape. She told me she does what she can to not be in the house too much. She is constantly busy. It's almost like she's acting like she's my age instead of her actual age, which is 54. I know we all have to move on and live our lives, but it just seems like she has moved on too fast and is only setting herself up for heartache. This whole thing is just so hard and I really don't know how I am supposed to deal with the deaths of 2 people who were very important and special to me and also deal with my mom acting more like a lovestruck teenager than a grieving widow.

I just realized yesterday that my life has been on hold for 5 months since my dad died, which was followed by my mother-in-law's death 3 weeks ago. I was very close to both of them and I turned to them for advice more than anyone else aside from my husband. When my dad died I ran the gambit of emotions from utter sadness and grief to anger because he didn't take care of himself and now he's gone. Because I had to deal with the death of my dad, I was somewhat better able to cope with my mother-in-law's death. For many years, my mother-in-law was more like a mom to me than my own mother. Her advice was almost always spot on. In the middle of those two deaths, my husband's oldest brother also died. No one in my husband's family was close to him at all except my mother-in-law. She lived with cancer for 7 years before she passed away and she also had to live through watching her oldest son die slowly. It's not fair. I have realized that we can eat right, exercise, etc. but none of that will prevent anyone from getting cancer, heart disease, etc. Basically, life is a crap shoot. When I was paying some bills yesterday, I realized that I have put my entire life on hold and have refused to deal with financial and other issues since my dad died. I have started taking some steps to correct the freeze on my life. How do I move on after the death of my dad and my mother-in-law who was like a second mother? How do I get myself out of this it doesn't matter what we do or don't do because we're all doomed mentality? I also find myself taking a lot of prescription meds that I shouldn't be taking in an effort to cope with this. I know it's wrong but sometimes it's like I need them to feel happy. And I also know what prolonged use of such opioids will do to me. So I don't do it all the time or every day, but enough. I know I haven't really dealt with all of my grief but I have a 4 1/2 year old and a 1 year old. I just don't have time to really allow myself to go through the grieving process. So I do what I can to keep myself busy and not think about it all. Any advice is welcome.

I am both relieved and sad to know that I am not the only one who has been disappointed by friends and family. I lost my dad 5 months ago and my husband and I just lost his mother 2 weeks ago. It has been a very rough year because both of them were very sick before they passed away. When my Dad died, I got rid of several so-called friends and after my mother-in-law died I weeded out a few more. It just absolutely baffles me how totally inconsiderate some people are. I am not kidding, I got more sympathy from my mother-in-law's cell phone company than some people I have known for years. It has been very hard but I am fortunate to have a fantastic husband, a great family (both my own and my husband's), and a few very good friends. I know that last week was very rough for me and I lashed out at a few people but I don't regret it. I have cut people out of my life and I won't look back. If people can't be there for me when I need them the most, then I don't need them. I have two wonderful children who will grow up without their grandpa and one of their grandmas (my husband's dad died when he was very young). My son was only 9 months old when my dad died and a year old when my mother-in-law died so he won't remember. But my daughter is 4 1/2 so she will remember and it breaks my heart that she had to deal with the death of a grandmother to whom she was very close at such a young age.