KJO

Hello Tori, Yeah. It is such a hard loss indeed. I lost my Mom almost a couple months ago, and I am still dumbstruck. I am 40, and it still doesn't make it easier. No matter how old you get, she is no less your Mom. It is hard, I know. I have had similar incidences involving conflicts that can only add to the burden similar to your Mom's loser ex boyfriend. You have to roll with the punches, and carry on your Mom's love throughout the responsibilities and struggles that life has thrust upon you. I know what you say when people don't respond well to discussion about what we go through. People act that way because they do not know how to help in the circumstance unless they have been through it. You have taken the right steps of discussing your feelings here on the forum. We have our own takes on what is happening in our lives since our own respective losses, and can share from our own experiences ways to help cope with them. Keep writing down your thoughts, vents, or express what you are feeling. Do take care, and God Bless. Hugz.

Hello Ron, Although I do not have the gear for it, I have found myself listening to things I haven't heard since I was a small boy on YouTube. It sounds crazy, but it is part of the process that finding good regressive memories or imaginary ports in the mind that music can connect us to when we are in need of a release. It is both positive, and helps heal the spirit. My hobbies are too expensive for me to afford to do now. However, after I get settled into a new job and a new home, I may take them up again since I will have no woman, or my pets.

I would love to do that with my mother's pix! Awesome!

Hello again. Yes it is. It takes a great deal of strength to forgive oneself and not hit ourselves upside the head for things we can no longer change. I am sure that our departed loved ones would have it. It is hard though, and it is part of the process. I thank you for your response. It is most kind. Take care, and God Bless.

I am sorry you are hurting over this, but you must know that he may have been alone in the physical sense, he was in good hands thereafter. I do not know your spiritual beliefs, however, I know I questioned mine for a time during my crises and have since slowly started reacquiring them again. I urge you to not lose your faith. Also, I urge you to forgive yourself for not being there at the moment of his passing. You need to learn to forgive yourself that of which is not your fault. You said ". . if I could do it over, I would have been there. "We all have "I could'ves" holding over our heads when we lose a family member or a loved one, but they are the things that we cannot keep beating ourselves up over for the rest of our years. Would your father expect you to do that? I would doubt that. If I did, I know my mother would(get up on a chair first,) then smack me upside the head for it. Forgive yourself. I still wish there was more for her to hear from me, even though I told her that I loved her many times before she couldn't remain conscious to respond. You will always feel you never said enough because your physical connection to your Dad was taken away at his death. That does not mean he will not be there spiritually for you. I still catch my mother's scent at lucid times descending her stairs at her house. I feel that regret you feel. Forgive yourself. If we were face to face right now, I'd be giving you a big hug right now just because.

I didn't really like it, but I thank you for your response. I couldn't get it all the way it is supposed to be. I still cannot. Thank you. I appreciate it.

My Mom. . . Good morning friends and family. How does one capture the embodiment of his mother? I originally had a quirky poem set up for this. First of all, I couldn’t get the poem together and then I thought, it simply doesn’t fit. I had memorised some gaelic phrases to speak, but couldn't get them out without becoming emotional. So, I recalled a conversation that me and my mother had, and decided to use that as a basis of this writing. So forgive me if it is not organised. Today is indeed a somber day for us. For ourselves? Yes. However, it is not for our dear Mom, Nonnie, and beloved friend. For she has begun her new journey into the light with God. Although Mom did not attend a church, she main stayed her own relationship with him. Mom wanted us to find our own paths to faith however, she kept the Lord’s prayer at our Thanksgiving table and for our rough times for all of us together. She provided us a foundation of faith that has brought each of us here today. So, I find it appropriate that we should take a moment to listen to one of her favorite hymns by one of her favorite singers. Mr. Daniel O’Donnell. Track 13: How Great Thou Art. Her own self: It was where Mom’s strength began. It gave her the boundless energy to acquire the many different talents she took on and moved her forward. Since the early fifties, Mom was a dance instructor, professional model, automobile commercial model, hair stylist, prominent business owner of three companies, and a hypnotherapist. While she did all these things, she masterfully raised us somewhere in between mostly alone. It was in her strength that secured and fortified us as a family whether there would be a crisis or a festivity. One of her proudest moments was the creation of a close family unity. It was not easy to do. Somehow, she made it seem so. Even when times were challenging, Mom would make it work, despite the struggle. Several years ago, as a Mother’s Day gift, I found this poem which perfectly describes the tribulations of motherhood: The Bravest Battle The bravest battle that was ever fought! Shall I tell you where and when? On the maps of the world you will find it not; T’was fought by the mothers of men. Nay, not with cannon or battle-shot. With sword or noble pen Nay not with eloquent words or thought From the mouths of wonderful men! But deep in a walled-up woman’s heart- Of a woman that would not yield, But bravely, silently bore her part- Lo, there is that battle-field! It moved us forward. It was very natural for her. It was her love for us that also kept us strong. She also kept our love for each other strong as well. Since I was the youngest, I only knew my mother past her forties growing up. However, I noticed that she was different from other forty year olds. She lived life fast, so it wasn’t easy keeping up with her. In that household, we learned to catch up. She moved us forward. Not just because she was my Mum, it was because she had a youthful approach to life and living it. She was a powerful woman, with a little girl within her. It was not easy to deal with this little girl in her at times, but she didn’t care. Her love was known regardless of timing. It was this little girl in her that made her the life of the party, as I am sure you all can recollect. Even some of her hypnosis sessions would turn into some kind of social event afterwards. The weddings were marvelous! My mother was the first to start the food fights at the receptions. I remember that pool pump dying from all the coleslaw Mom threw around at that Luau the day after. Our cousins would spend the night for an entire summer with Mom letting us stay up all night with the card games. Mom made the house was a party magnet with her loving positive energies. It was jovial, positive, and everyone left happy-even if it was 4:30 in the morning. It was how our wee Mum kept her house, a home. Filled with love, and happiness. During school days, there were many winter days started off with a roaring fire in the fireplace with a hot cup of tea and our interesting breakfasts? I never knew Scottish food included picante sauce, but if she said so. We ate it any ways, because that wee girl can grow up real fast and we would told that we would be getting it the easy way, or the hard way. As I am sure we all knew that we weren’t brought up in that household, we were forced up. However, she always included love in with the discipline even if we didn’t love it, or understand it at the time. It made us strong. It moved us forward. Later in life, she had health issues, such as her strokes, and heart attack. Didn’t stop her. She still moved forward. Her personality assured us all she was on the mend and everything was going to be alright. She had since become more relaxed and much more giving. It did not stop her from going to all those garage sales and junk stores buying all those things. Then graciously, she would give the items to each of us. I still have them brass sconces in my storage bin that I still don’t know what to do with. Also, she became the grand master of the claw toy machines at Fry’s every grocery-shopping day. She gave those toys to the charities that serviced the infirm, or homeless children. Also, she would give money to those who needed it even when her own economy wasn’t ideal. She did it because she felt it was the right thing to do. She was a strong champion for animals regardless of breed, which was remarkable. Why? She did it out of love. She did what she called “God’s work.” And it was that love that kept her going for all of her causes and passions. She moved forward. After her heart attack, Mom started to appreciate things that she didn’t before. She would read different books. Watch different movies. She opened herself up to different ideas. Mom even developed, much to the chagrin of my sisters, a likings to Star Trek. She had a little crush for William Shatner and I think that was why that the original series was the only one she would watch. Gee, and all this time, I thought she really liked it. She had many such crushes. Johnny Depp, Colin Firth, Gerard Butler, and her favorite, Clark Gable. But her real love was in her family. A type of love that she could only express the only way she knew how: In your face. It was a sweet, yet tough love. Not easy to understand right away sometimes, but all knew that it was real. A type of love one worthy of those who love her. It is that love of hers that each of us, will take with us today. A love that was cemented in us from the beginning. It is that love, which will move us forward. Play Il Divo’s “Amazing Grace”

Hello John, I am usually up all night as well. If you catch me here, lets talk. It helps to get the stresses of your chest. You are not alone. It does help. However, keep to the directive of going to those dr's. I am sorry you experienced all that. Just get through it. I'll be watching. Take care, and God Bless.

Hello Logan, Welcome aboard. I have had some of these issues recently that we both share a common thread on. The short version is this: I am unemployed(still looking), lost my house, had to move into my mother's house. This summer, my mother was diagnosed with cancer. During her illness my girlfriend, whom my mother loved, decided to leave me because she lost faith in me. Then, my mother died soon thereafter. Ex girlfriend sorry, wants to come back into my life. Now, I am in a turmoil. The loss of my mother was a major hit on my life, far worse than I originally thought it would be like. I love this girl, but I cannot bring myself to trust her after she left. That, and I am trying to get on my feet. My friends tell me "Don't take it personally." Being raised that a man should provide for his family, himself, and uphold the high standards of what a man should be. As I look for homes for my pets, I feel like I have failed in all measures to be a good man. I feel that I am a failure at times, even though I did not ask to be laid off. It happened. Everything else cascaded on down from there afterwards. So, you are feeling down? Once you are down, there is only one place to go, and that is up. I know it sounds so cliche, but it is the truth. This is the life we have now. It starts by getting on our feet and brushing ourselves off and start climbing up. We must live it, and it is hard. I'm not going to lie to you. It is difficult to do, yet easy to say it. The next move is yours. You are not alone here. Talk. Vent. Express yourself here. It does take the edge off of it a bit. Take care, and God Bless.

I just did on another post. I am a wreck now. It helps.

Last week was my Mum's birthday. I wasn't too emotional. It comes out when it wants to. I suppose next year, when I am not so numb, it will hit me harder. I am still bracing for my first holiday season without my Mom. It moved me emotionally thinking about it. There was this traditional family Scottish New Year event that we would do together. We would cook a meat pie, and we would toast the new year together as a family. There would be a 'First Foot,' which means someone would come to the door with a bottle of champagne and some food to 'bless' the house with tides of good fortune at the beginning of the year. Damn me that I wasn't there to do it because I didn't want to go that time. Later I found out, not too many other people did either. Some went out to some new year parties. I stayed home, when I had it. I don't know why. I feel horrible about it, and cannot make up for it now this coming new year. Oh how I can imagine how my mother felt, because it was important to her. That just kicks my heart out to think about it now. Just goes to show. I am sorry to vent this. It just came out, and I cannot stop busting up over this.

Hello Kathy, Welcome to the forum. I feel for you in regards to your loss. I lost my Mum in August, and I still feel as I did then. Numb. I have been dealing with other things on top of that, but that is not the case here. I am in my mother's house now and am faced with emptying it out. Horrible thing to do since it feels like I am 'dismantling' my mother herself. It is a ridiculous notion, but I have found that it is part of the process. It has to be done though. I have found some interesting things in the file cabinets such as old telegraphs she sent to my father, and her birth certificate from overseas. My Mom had a few more years than yours, but it doesn't make it easier to deal with. However, no matter how old one's Mom gets, does not make her any less your Mom as when you were a little girl yourself. Being a nurse, she has been a source of inspiration to you. It was her expression of love and care that you carry within you. It is an ongoing process. You need to take your time on the items. If you need to talk, vent, or express, we are listening. Take care, and God Bless.

Hello again, I have found out I have been doing a mix and match of the same thing. When I wish to be with my friends, they are either too busy, or they will not respond to my calls. When they do call, I end up keeping the conversation short for some reason. My family members are going through their own quips as well that makes me want to keep away from them at times and they of me. I don't know. This is a new set of experiences for me. I have good days, and I have bad ones. I hardly sleep anymore. I think I am now on Australian time. I look for work, and found nothing so far which makes me wonder why I should even bother anymore. Looking for new homes for my pets is just another reminder that I have failed to provide them a good home. Soon, I must find myself another one. I have found myself rekindling regressive memories of silly things on YouTube like watching old t.v. shows, commercials, and listening to music I haven't heard in a long time-not related to my Mom. Tonight, I was able to sit down with one of my sisters and watch a movie together. She was nice enough to take me out to dinner, and a movie a few days before. I usually feel like staying in my room most of the day otherwise. I am thankful to have her in my life. I have found out also, that I have grown very intolerant to people who, as Ron B has put it, 'sweat the small stuff.' I actually get urged to be confrontational about it when I hear people whine about the petty inequities in their lives. I have become more selfish. I was talking to a friend of my nephew, who also lost a parent. I am ashamed to say, I didn't tell him that I was sorry for his loss after he took the time ask me how I am doing. I really do not like what I have become, and am so tired because of it. Yet, I do not sleep. Don't think you are antisocial. It is part of the process, I suppose.

I am so sorry that it has happened. Such a burden. I also feel ever so much isolated and am becoming used to that. It seems that nobody around me could know, and my sisters are dealing with their own respective grief processes to really talk to them about it. That is exactly how I am feeling now. Numb. It is like a safety valve to keep all emotions from blowing up in your face. The emotions are extreme. Hang in there, though. You are not as alone as you may think. Take care, and God Bless.

Hello Walter, and welcome to the forum. You have sustained so much more than anyone should have to in a lifetime. This has caused so much internal trauma to where you should get some serious professional help. I can tell you are composed in your writing, but I know there are the internalised aspects of what you have dealt with that needs to be unlocked and managed so you can be a better to yourself, and a better parent to the kids. At least, you should talk things over here on the forum. You are not alone. Seek out professional help though. Take care, and God Bless.

Hello Karen, Welcome to the forum. I have lost my Mum in late August. I never expected to feel the pain and anguish the way I do about it after her death. Not in a long shot! It is like being sick, or hung over. I can sense a crying episode coming on, just like a spell of nausea. It is one of those moments you do not know if you are going to be strong enough to hold it in, or if it will come pouring out of you when it wants to. Right now, I am hovering in and around a numb state with a few emotional outbursts from time to time. I cannot say that I have crashed yet, but I certainly recognise the potential. It comes with having to be composed and upheld for the benefit of others. I'll see how I get through the holidays. These were some special feelings discussed in the latter posts. The common denominator of them all is 'Love.' That never goes away. Your obvious love of and from your Mom carries on within you. It is yours now. You are not crazy either. I catch an occasional 'scent visit' from my mother sometimes which is a beautiful feeling. I do not know what I would do if I should see her. I dunno. Just know, and understand that we are all going through the same individual hell as you are, and if you want to talk it over, please do so freely. I wish I could talk to someone when I am up all night. :-) It is a process. Your Mom had green eyes? Mine did too. Oh what I would do to see them again. You say you have to live for your surviving family. Give yourself permission to live for yourself as well. It is your day now. Hug.

Yes. Lovely music. Nobody can, or even understand your level of love with Tommy. They cannot validate you two, because they just don't get it. I believe it does not matter what others called your status with him. Just as long as he, and you, know it. I haven't gotten to the stage of memorialising as of yet. I am still feeling dead in the water. I still have little communions with my Mom at times. My ex girlfriend just wrote to me telling me she is breaking off contact with me altogether. She had to remind me of one of our songs before though-not in a malicious way mind you. I listened to it, and cried. I cannot say that I blame her for breaking contact, because there were painful events that led to the breakup. Life goes on they say, but it is another finite event in my life that could have waited a bit longer.

Thank you for your response. I am glad you have such resources. I am not done looking though. There must be something. Yes. Today I talked to an old friend for a while. He had to go, and asked me to call him back. I didn't. I don't know why, but when I do not want to do something, it ends up being that way without any true decision to do so as if I do nort truly care. I talked to another friend of mine, and he sounds different to me. It is all weird. I just have to take it all in stride.

Hello Laurie, Irish background? Excellent. I'm of Irish descent, but mostly Scottish. My Mum was 100% Scottish born and bread. In her household, we weren't brought up, we were forced up, with a loving hand of course. Wow. I am so happy for you that you were so blessed to have met a person that you can be so connected with. That music is part of your connection to him, along with other tangible things he may have left for you. I loved the Irish song. It is a beautiful piece of music. With those qualities about him, you indeed had a best friend in your life. What did you take from that relationship that enriches your life now? I am very sorry that he passed on. I think he got your message, though. I have to point out something I feel as well as you do. I feel that I did not say enough to my Mom before she went. Everyone else said I did, but it still feels incomplete to me. Even when I told my mother goodbye, and I loved her when I viewed her body(she wanted to be cremated in her favourite outfit, and I volunteered to verify it) I still feel I have to say it more, subconsciously. Even now, I will 'talk' to my Mom as I muddle through the course of the day. Sounds crazy, but it helps echo a bit of how everything in life transpired before it all happened. It helps a bit. Now it is your turn to live girl. Also, if you are also a smoker, you need to stop real soon because you must be healthy and happy. Please. If you are not, then okay. I think the more I interact in these forums, I feel it is of some help. However, I must do more. Keep talking. Write to us. That is what this is about. Here is a link to a song that was one of my Mum's favourites.

Hello Caije_Laurie, Danish name, yes? Welcome to the forum, and thank you for thinking that I was helpful in any way. It really is not the friends' fault for not knowing what to do, and how to go about it. I think they are now holding me at arm's reach so they can see what stage I am in the process when I am 'approachable' enough to contact. So, please do tell me about Tommy. I love to hear of such 'love.' It is good to hear as well.

Hello L, and thank you for posting this. First of all, I am truly sorry for you losing your Dad. I lost my Mom a month ago, and her birthday was just last week. However, I must commend you on your spiritual integrity through all this. I was never a religious person, but became a man of faith a bit late in my life. I was baptised Jan, 2009 and thought that my life has taken a turn for the better. Unfortunately, my life has nose-dived soon afterwards when I was laid off last year. That, plus other sentinel events, was topped off when my mother received her stage 4 stomach cancer diagnosis. She died just a little over a month ago, and it is all still fresh to me. Last week, a massive hail storm ball milled the whole city. My car was ravaged with dents, windows smashed everywhere. I was furious, isolated, and saddened at the same time. Regrettably, I found myself saying that "God must really hate me," and now regret saying that. It reminded me of a conversation when my mother was talking to me about her first few weeks of dealing with her own mother's death when she was angry with God for such an outrage. Now I understand. I never knew I would ever do that, but it was done. I confess that it was the wrong thing to do, and ask God for forgiveness. People should maintain their own respective faiths during times like these. It is not easy when we are to endure the struggles of losing a parent. I know that our restoring our strength is, and can be done with our faith, not without it. I only wish I remembered that at that time before I shot off my mouth.

I am so sorry you are feeling that way. I suppose I am still falling. I am numb, but feel a crash coming on soon. My Mom has been gone over a month. Things are going through the unraveling phase. I have good days. I have bad days. I miss her terribly. I do feel as Kavish said, that in spite of what I have said before, that keeping one's faith in God does, and will help get through this crisis. Hang on to faith, and just hang on.

I am just discovering all this myself. My sister just went on a trip to go see her daughter and wanted to take me with her. I wanted to, then I realised I don't have any energy to deal with it and that sucks. I know she doesn't get it because her process differs from mine when it comes down to grieving. I would give you a hug free of charge. I could use one right now. I never knew it would be so bad.