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Kim P.

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About Kim P.

  • Birthday 08/31/1981

Previous Fields

  • Date of Death
    01/23/10
  • Name/Location of Hospice if they were involved:
    Snowline Hospice/Placerville, CA

Profile Information

  • Your gender
    Female
  • Location (city, state)
    Northern California
  • Interests
    My dog Brie, Climbing, Hiking, Yoga
  1. Hi Christine, I lost my mom on January 23rd of this year. I just found this site last week, and it was a godsend. I just happened to stumble upon it during a Google search, and I am truly thankful for this site. So far it has helped me tremendously, and I am sure it will help you. There are amazing people on here who are going through the same emotions as we are and it is a relief to know that we aren't the only ones. It hurt to read that your husband was back to business the day after the funeral. I know that everyone deals with sadness in a different manner, but he should be more sympathetic to your feelings. Losing a parent is a tough thing to encounter in life, and to feel like you are alone with your feelings is not easy. Sometimes I think that my boyfriend thinks that I should be moving on faster than I am………my only conclusion for that is because he still has his parents. And until he experiences their death, he will not understand what I am going through. I would assume the same for your husband. He will understand one day. My life certainly changed on January 23rd, and it will never be the same. To be quite honest, sometimes I just feel like I don't enjoy life anymore. Immediately following my mom's death, I was bitter, angry at the world. It was an anger that I have never experienced. I had a huge chip on my shoulder. I had so many questions; Why my mom? Why did she have to die? Why did I lose her so early in life? Why do we have to experience this kind of pain? I am sure you may have experienced these same questions as well. None of my friends have lost their mothers either. I received tons of sympathy cards and emails from friends shortly after it happened. But then it all stopped. I remember feeling so lost....how could I be in so much pain while everyone moves on with their lives as if nothing ever happened. Selfishly, I expected everyone to feel the way I was feeling. I know that was irrational, but that is how I felt. I cried myself to sleep every night for the first 7 months. I also found myself thinking of her at work and becoming upset. I would have to go to the bathroom to shake it off. I still do that from time to time. It seems as though lately I am starting to accept her absence a bit more, even though I don't want too. I feel like if I accept it, then it will mean that I am ok with her being gone. I know over time I will feel better about the situation. When I see pictures of her I still cry, and that is probably something that will last a life time. The chip on my shoulder doesn't really seem to be as big as it used to be. But just so you know, there is no time limit on your grief, and don't ever let someone tell you otherwise. You are allowed to grieve for as long as you need too. No one can put a time limit on the sadness that you have for your mom's passing. Just know that you are not alone, and when you feel like you need to talk, there are many great people on this site who can help you. Hugs!!! Kim
  2. Happy Belated Birthday. I know how you are feeling. I lost my mom this past January and my birthday was in August. It was my first birthday without her and my birthday or my life for that matter, will never be the same. She would always call me and as soon as I would answer my phone, she would sing "Happy Birthday" to me. Just typing about this is making me cry. Tough stuff. My brother has been my rock in the loss of my mom. He is my best friend, and I am sure your brother was your best friend as well. Sometimes I question life and it's meaning. Why are we here? Why do some of us have to endure so much pain while others live their happy little lives? These are questions that came about once my mom had passed away. I would give anything in this world to see her, talk to her, hug her. And I am sure you feel the same way about your brother. I am here if you ever need to chat. Stay strong. Hugs!!!!!! Kim
  3. Thank you all for your kind words. I was honored that my family asked me to write this for my mom. Unfortunately I was unable to read this at her service, but my brother was brave enough to. Thank goodness he could do it. I will never forget that day.
  4. Hi Karen, Thankfully I was able have my mom as long as I did. Although I wish I could have had her a lot longer. She and I really started to become best friends after I moved out and spread my wings as she would say. We would talk every day on the phone, sometimes twice I day. I sure miss those conversations. You are right, no matter how old the person is when they pass, it still hurts the same. I have heard people make reference to people that pass at a old age saying, "they lived a long life, it was their time." I never realized its importance until my mom passed. Even if my mom would have passed away in 30 years, I would still feel deeply saddened. Even though I lost her at such a young age, I feel in a way that it made me stronger. There are days that I don't agree with the sentence I just wrote, but for the most part, I feel a sense of strength from losing her. She taught me a lot in life, and she also taught me a lot in her death. I along with my family was with my mom at her home when she passed. I got the call on a Thursday morning that Hospice was going to bring her back home. All of her kids and close family members went to her house to be with her. We took turns caring after her. That Friday night we all laid with her on her bed, playing some of her favorite music in the background. Her dog Joy laid with us on the bed as well, and it was almost as if Joy knew what was going on. Animals are so intuitive, it's pretty amazing. Her breathing patterns started to change a bit that night, they seemed to be more labored. I think that is when I started to realize the reality of her not being here anymore. I guess in a weird way, I was still holding onto hope that shew ould snap out of it and magically get better. Most of us ended up going to sleep that night in other bedrooms, but my brother and step-dad stayed up in her room with her. I got a knock on my door around 5am and it was my Nana telling me that she was gone. Geez, just typing those words was difficult..........It has really troubled my brother that he was asleep when she passed. But honestly I feel like she wanted to wait until we were all asleep. I know that she would have wanted it that way. Like you said, I don't think we will ever "get over it." The only thing that saves me now is having my brother to talk to, and the dreams that I have of her. I feel like she visits me in my dreams. Not as often as I would like, but I will take what I can get. I have always been very intuitive of spirits, and she was aware of this. So I hoping one day she will visit me. Hopefully it won't scare the heck out of me :-) So I totally know how you feel about wanting to see your mom. I think that would be so awesome. Sometimes I think that maybe I think about it too much. Who knows. I have this box of things that she has given me over the past, so I go to it when I am having a tough time. And it always makes me fel comforted. I enjoy going up to my parents house and being surrounded by my mom's stuff. My step-dad hasn't moved a thing, and honestly, I don't think he ever will. I am thankful for that. I totally understand where you are coming from when you say that you aren't interested in living anymore. I feel the exact same way. My brother does as well. We all know that we would never do anything to harm ourselves, it's just that our lives have changed, forever. I don't get excited about things as much as I used too. I used to be afraid of death, the unknown, before she passed. But now I am not afraid because I know (hope) that I will see her again. I know this might sound a little crazy, but I feel like my dog really has helped me through a lot of this. My family has been great, by my dog has really been my rock. Animals sure know how to make you feel better. Sometimes when I am crying, I wonder if she can see me. I don't want her to worry about me. So I try to be strong, but sometimes it is hard. Just when I feel like I am doing ok with her being gone, I fall back down again. Sometimes I wonder why we are put on this earth? Some of us have to endure much heartache, so it just makes me question things. Some people have to suffer from terrible illness's. And it just makes me wonder why some people have to go through it while other just live their happy pain free lives’. I try not to resent people who have healthy parents, but it is something that I have done since my mom became ill. I know that is not good, but it is just feeling that I have. Well, at least we both know that our mom's are in a better place now. Looking forward to talking to you again. Kim
  5. Thank you all for coming to commemorate my mom’s life. She was a multi-faceted person. Many of you here today knew my mother personally and many of you knew her indirectly through one of her family members. You may have known her as a coworker, a friend or a support person. Of course, all of my moms family here today each knew a part of her, a facet of her, as a wife, mother, daughter, grandmother, sister, aunt, niece or a cousin. I of course knew her as my mother. As I have reached adulthood, I have also known her as a friend. My mom shared much of herself with me, and I saw sides of my mother as she struggled with her illness that I had never seen before, especially her strong belief in positive thinking and the importance of the quality of life. I was privileged to know so many facets of my mother. In these last few years, I got to know the very human side of my mother. She showed us at times that she could be vulnerable, scared and discouraged. I just tried to support her the way she had always done for me. Before I can go on to celebrate my mother and what she stood for, I must share with you the reality of what life was like for her and her family. Of course no one suffered more than my mother, and we all shared her pain. There were many times as a family that we would be in denial of her illness. We would disagree with the doctor’s findings. And sometimes we didn’t agree with the course of action the doctor’s would take. But my mom would always assure us that they were doing all that they could do for her, given her complicated case. She always tried to keep a positive attitude. For this and many other reasons my mom was my hero. She was scary smart and not afraid to show it. She was tough, but also compassionate. Driven, but also fun and funny. Competitive, but also empathetic. Restless and patient. Curious and prayerful. She had a husband who was totally devoted to her in every sense of that word. Her true soulmate, a man that marveled at everything she said and everything she did. He let her rip and he let her roar and he loved everything about her. Add that to two children and four step children who adored her and loved to be with her and you have the ultimate role model. My mom was all of our best friends, and it was an honor for all of us to be her children. To be honest, I think it’s impossible for each of us to think about our lives without her. It’s interesting, as we have all talked amongst ourselves these last couple of days, each of us felt like an only child. Each of us talked to her everyday and sometimes more than once. I often said to her that I can’t go on without her, that I don’t know how to live without her. She would say, “You are fine, I have raised you well.” And so I will, we all will, get up and keep going. She was completely herself all of her life, doing things the way she wanted. Unless you knew my mom, you wouldn’t know under that quiet, calm exterior that she was a pistol, a feisty, funny, independent woman. She was truly original, a beautiful character. Most of all she was an original giver with a generosity that was striking. No one ever left her house empty handed. Whether it be canned goods from her pantry, desserts, beauty products or most favorably, one of her many treasures that she found while out “junking.” But we watched her and knew that those little gifts were proof of her love. Self-giving was my mom’s concern for others and it was predominant throughout her life. I am so thankful to have been blessed with such an amazing mother. My mom lit up many of our lives. And she definitely set the bar high. I hope that one day I can be half the person she was. In the last few years of my mom's life, I found her to be awe-inspiring. She who never sat still was forced to confront stillness, and it was hard for her but she never complained and she never asked for pity. She fought and she fought right up until her last breath. Over the past couple of months we accepted that her health was slowly deteriorating. After months in the hospital, and a short time in a Nursing Home, our family members knew what we had to do. Chris, my Papa and Nana, Uncle Steve, and two of Chris’s sisters Pat and Karen came back home to care for her and be with her. She loved her home very much and I am forever grateful to my family for making it possible for her to be there in her last days. With help of hospice, she was kept pain free. And with the skilled care of her husband, a nurse, my mom was kept comfortable in her home until the end. With her strong heart, she used every last bit of her substance until we could all be up there with her. On her last day we all gathered around her bed and the love that surrounded her was felt throughout the house. We laid with her, while we listened to some of her favorite music. It was truly the most beautiful thing that I have ever experienced. After she left us, her mouth relaxed into a gentle smile. She looked so peaceful, so pain free. I would like to thank all of you for coming here today to help us, as a family, to heal and to celebrate my mom’s life. Though she left us too soon, she will live in our hearts forever.
  6. Hi Karen, I saw your post and it hit close to home. My mom passed away on January 23rd of this year, she was 51, and I was 28 at the time. She had a long term illness, but we never expected her to pass away at such a young age, it all happenened so fast. I truly know how you are feeling, you are not alone. There are days that I will be sitting at work and little things will remind me of her and I just get filled up with emotion.....There is this song by Israel Kamakawiwo'ole "Somewhere over the rainbow" and whenever it comes on I know my mom is saying hi. We played this song at her funeral.......My mom has only been gone for 10 months, and sometimes I wonder if I can go the rest of my life without her. Just thinking about it sucks. Knowing that I will never ever get to talk to her, see her, hug her breaks my heart. She was my best friend, and life without her will never be the same. I am so thankful for this forum. It has given me hope that maybe one day I will be able to accept that she is gone........but for right now, I am just not ready to. I know that right now you and I are feeling the same way, and it is tough. Just know that one day we will be able to see our mom's one day, and it will be the best day ever. I am sending you a huge hug!!!!!! Kim
  7. Hi Holly, I am very sorry to hear of the loss of both your mother and father, and your two dogs as well. I know that renting out your parents home is probably very tough, it would be for me too. I am sure you found comfort visiting their home after their passing. I am not sure what I would do if I was in your shoes. Part of me would want to keep it for myself, but you need to do what's financially best for you. And maybe it will help in your healing process....My mom passed away this past January, she was 51, and I was 28 at the time. She was my best friend and losing her was the most horrible thing ever. I know how you are feeling, and I am sending hugs to you!!! If you ever need to chat, I am here for you.
  8. KJO, Thank you for your kind words. I am very sorry to hear of your mother's passing. I used to be afraid of dying, but after my mom passed away, I am not afraid anymore, because I know I will be with her again. I am sure you may feel the same way. Do you ever sense that she is around? I have had dreams about my mom, but that is about it. I am hoping one day she will come visit me (without scaring the heck out of me) :-) I know that spiritually she will still be able to be a part of my life, and I am thankful for that. I will always miss her presence. Knowing that she is physically gone for the rest of my life is such a bummer. We would talk on the phone everyday, sometimes twice a day. So once she had her stroke, that communication stopped, and that was tough. Thankfully she was staying at a hospital that was near my home. I visited her everyday after work. I honestly can't imagine if I lived out of state away from her when all of this was happening. I am very thankful for the time that I was able to spend with her in her last months. Thanks again for responding. Kim
  9. It has almost been nine months since I lost my mom. She passed away on January 23, 2010. I was 28 and she was 51 when she passed. My mom battled a long illness for 18 years, and finally her body couldn't fight anymore. I selfishly still want her here, but I am thankful that she is no longer suffering. She led a somewhat normal life up until the last 4 years and unfortunately her health started to slowly deteriorate. She ended up having a stroke during the last 5 months of her life, due to Tuberculosis of the brain, which left her unable to speak or walk. This was very tough to watch. I felt so helpless. Not being able to communicate with my mom in her last days was horrible. Imagine not being able to have a conversation with your loved one while they were in their final months/days/hours. She would try and talk to us, but her words were scrambled. So we tried to see if she could write notes to us, but the stroke left her unable to write as well. We also brought a laptop in to see if maybe she could type us a message one handed (since the stroke left her unable to use right side) but she was unable to do this as well. We were desperate to help her. It was heartbreaking to see her struggle like this......devastating. My mom was such a strong, independent woman. I am sure this really destroyed her. It angers me to this day that she had to endure such struggles like that. It just wasn't fair. Why did her life have to end this way? Why? These are questions that obviously will never and can never be answered. And I suppose am fine with that. But I will forever hold resentment in my heart because of it. She didn't deserve to die like that. Unable to get up and go to the bathroom, unable to speak, unable to do eat without being fed. Just horrible! After being in the hospital for 5 months, and then shuffled between care centers for about 2 months my mom came home and hospice came in to help. I remember getting the phone call early Thursday morning from my step-dad notifying me that my mom had about 72 hours left. Those are words that I will never ever forget. How could my mom’s life suddenly be given a time limit? It truly took my breath away. All of my mom’s children, step-children and close family went up to my parents house to be with her. Hospice was wonderful to my mom in her last days, so caring and nurturing to her needs. My mom passed away at her home early Saturday morning (48 hours from the call) with all of her family there with her. We were asleep when she passed away around 5am. I will never forget that day. Even though I was surrounded by my closest family, I have never felt so alone. I truly feel like a piece of me died with her that day. I have not been the same since. I have my good days and I have my bad days. Losing a parent at any age is hard, but losing my mom at the age of 28 really shattered me. To know that she would not be able to be at my wedding one day, or meet my future children one day breaks my heart. Thankfully my brother and I are super close, so we lean on each other for support. He seems to be having a bit more of a tough time than myself, so I try to stay strong for him. But sometimes the pain of losing her takes over my being. My mom was my best friend in the whole world, so losing her has been life changing. Sometimes I get angry about her not being here. There is no one to blame for her not being here. I know that it is something that I need to accept, but it has been tough. I miss her more than words can express. The only thing that I can hope for is that hopefully I will be with her again one day. The day that my mom had passed my step dad found her journals. And inside of one of her journals she had written a letter to him, and in that letter she told my step-dad what songs she wanted played at her funeral. This was all so surreal. It was almost like she sensed that she was leaving us soon. She didn't have access to her journal for more than 7 months because she was in the hospital. The letter was not dated so we have no idea when it was written. The most interesting part of this letter, was that my mom wrote that she believed a brain infection would end up killing her........and that is exactly what ended up happening. We couldn't believe what we were reading. My mom was a Nurse, so she was very proficient with this kind of stuff, but we were still dumbfounded about what we had read. When she left us, my step-dad was so lost, so devastated. A few weeks after my mom had passed away, my step-dad found a note that my mom had wrote to him. He had picked up a framed wedding picture of theirs, and the back fell off. Behind the picture was a note to my step-dad. So he began looking on the back of all of their framed pictures, and she had left notes on all of them! We have no idea when she did this. I am so thankful that she wrote those letters. My step-dad needed them. They were best friends and were married for 20 years. These letters were a blessing, and in essence, final dialogue to a chapter that was left somewhat open. I know in time I will accept her death, but for right now, I am not ready to let go.
  10. Will forever treasure the 28 years that I had with my mom.

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