numbersgirl

Melina, I lost my dad very unexpectedly in April. My brother (age 33) and I (34) did not get to see our father before he died. It broke my heart to read your post because I feel the pain that your children are feeling. There are are days when life goes on as normal and I can almost convince myself that Dad is alive and well and I will talk to him on the phone later. Then there are moments when it floods back and the pain is so unbearable that I can't catch my breath. I'm not telling you this to make you worry more. I wanted to reach out to you and let you know that even in my darkest moments, I know that my dad would want me to keep going. I am sure that your children go through the same thought patterns. The one thing that I wish my mom would do is talk about my dad. I know that she is grieving and talking about him hurts. She is also afraid of upsetting me. I want to talk about him. Sometimes I want to talk about how he lived. Sometimes I want to talk about how he died. I want to know that it is ok to cry but also that it is ok to laugh. I want to know that he will not be forgotten. Most of all I want to know that my mom is ok. Talk to your children. Keep the lines open. Let them know that even if talking about him makes you cry that it is ok. Cry. Cry together. As soon as my mom and I talked and agreed that it was ok to talk about Dad whenever we wanted regardless of how much we cried I was able to open up to her more. Just know that your family is not alone and I will personally be keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.

I lost my baby 2 months ago. Soon after I found out I was pregnant and old friend looked me up on Facebook and informed me that she was pregnant as well. We spent hours chatting about pregnancy and children. I have 2 little boys (3 & 5 years old). This is her first baby. Our babies were due within a week of each other. We were counting down to our 20 week ultrasounds to find out the sex of our little ones. 2 months ago I was told that my Mathew (I had a mothers instinct that he was a boy) went back to heaven. The day after Mathew died I emailed my friend to tell her of the news and to let her know that I still wanted to be very much involved in her pregnancy. She hasn't really spoken to me since. I am sure that she just doesn't know what to say. I saw today on her facebook that she had her ultrasound and she is having a boy. One part of me is thrilled for her, the other part feels cheated. This creates additional stress because I feel guilty for feeling jealous. I have 2 children, how dare I feel jealous over someone else having her first? Most days I do great but days like this (milestones in her pregnancy) get to me. Noone wants to talk about my baby. I mentioned to my husband about my friend and that we would have had our ultrasound of Mathew now. He just changed the subject as if I had not just said that. I know everyone thinks they are protecting me by not talking about him, but I want to scream "Mathew existed! Stop ignoring that". I have had a tremendous amount of loss this year. My father died unexpectedly in April. Mathew died in August. Just last week a co-worker's son was murdered and a few days ago an extended family member died. I am almost always a strong, upbeat person and people look to me for their strength but I feel like I am worn out. I just want to say "Really? Enough already".

I lost my father in April 2010. I have all of the same questions that you are asking. When I got the call that the paramedics were working on him I asked my mom if they were performing active CPR. I wanted to gauge what was really going on. She said no so I thought it must not be that serious. I waited until they got to the hospital. Then the chaplain called. I went in to business mode. I packed up the kids and made arrangements to meet up with my brothers family and start the 13 hour drive to Utah. (We live in Seattle) My brother is a paramedic so he was on the phone with the doctors on and off. It was pretty obvious that my dad was not going to make it, but I was in such denial. We drove all night. The normally 13 hour trip took closer to 17. We have two children (3 & 5) and my brother had two children (2 and 9 months). If one didn't need to stop for the potty another did. It almost started to feel like a family vacation. We were 2 hours north of Salt Lake City and the sun have just come up. It was beautiful and cool. My mom and I had been talking off and on all night as she tried to give me updates. When the phone rang I thought it was just another update. She was hysterical. My father had just died. At that moment I wanted to die too. I could not believe that we were only 2 hours away. That was when the questions started. What if I had not waited until the chaplain called to start the trip? That would have gotten us there before he died. What if I had made the kids "hold it" a little, could we have made up 2 hours? The biggest one...did my dad know I was on my way? What if he held on through the night waiting to see if I would come and then gave up waiting? When I talked to my mom later that day she said that she and my aunt had left the hospital the night before and went home to get some sleep. They were on their way back to the hospital when the doctors called and said that they were working on him but it was not looking good. She told them that it was ok to let him go. I have always wondered why she went home that night. I know that she asks herself the same thing everyday. She was in such denial over all of it that she really believed that when she got to the hospital in the morning he would be sitting up having breakfast. My mom is very naive (I always joke that she dreams in cartoons). I had to tell her many times when she would call with updates that the doctors did not think he would make it. It was as if her brain could not process that. She kept saying things like "He looks really good", "I think he will be waking up soon". I asked her a few weeks after he died if she told him that we were on our way. She said, "No, I just assumed that when he woke up he would be so happy to see you and the babies." WHAT??? Noone told him that we were coming? Did my father die in a cold hospital thinking that I didn't care enough to be there? Did he give up? These thoughts haunt me like you would not believe. I have a strong faith and I believe that he knows all of this now, but the thought that he left this earth possibly thinking that he wasn't loved enough is almost too much for me to bear. My father had terrible self esteem issues. He had a rough life and always felt like he was not good enough. I worry that he felt his fears were confirmed that morning when he died alone. My father was 62 and had a heart attack. This wasn't supposed to happen.