vcollick5879

I'm sorry that that horrible one year mark is up for you. I'm just barely over a year, well I sort of stopped counting after a while because knowing the amount of time my mom has been gone is just too hard for me, but. I feel that as more time goes on, it's harder because now you are past your "year of firsts" and you "should" be done grieving, but that's not true. I still miss my mom just as much everyday. I feel that sadness of knowing that I won't be able to get that hug from mom or call her and ask her how she's doing, it crushes you. Just know that everything you are feeling, many people can relate, not necessarily completely, but in the same sense. My older sister always has dreams about my mom and I would always get jealous, wondering why I never got to dream of her. I think I had one dream but that was it. This grieving thing seems to be a never ending cycle, and unfortunately unless the people around you have really experienced some kind of grief, they are unable to relate and console you. Find ways to communicate so that you don't contain it all. Being new to this, I have found it to be somewhat comforting hearing that people feel almost the exact same as me. For my mom's one year, I decided to celebrate for her in a way, so I went to a restaurant that reminded me of her. Maybe that's not something you want to do, but find something that feels right to you to get through this day. One step at a time, that's all we can do. Tori

So, I'm new to this, but I thought I would try it out since I don't have anyone to really talk about this. Here's my story... I lost my mother to pancreatic cancer on May 23, 2009, just two days after my high school graduation. The day of my graduation, the doctors were telling us my mom only had a few days left. They next day they told us they were going to move her to hospice because those weeks had now diminished to days. Because of all this, the joys of graduation really weren't there. I wanted my mom to be there more than anything. I asked her 2 weeks before she passed if she remembered that I was graduating soon and she said " yeah I know, in 2 weeks". After my mom died, nothing really went the way we (me and my siblings) wanted it. My mom's low life boyfriend threw away all of her clothes 2 weeks after she passed without asking and left us with hardly anything. This hurt my little brother because all he wanted was one of her night shirts. It also took us 4 months to get her ashes from him, just an awful experience with him all together. Aside from all of that, losing my mother has been hard. I returned back to work only a few days after she passed, not really giving myself time to grieve. It is a year later and I feel like I'm struggling with it a lot more than I did before. Growing up, my mom had other things going on in here life that didn't allow her to be part of mine and my brothers life, so my relationship with her was strained. Once she told me about her condition, I did my best to repair and build a relationship with her in just those 2 short years. Little things upset me like when I see a mother and daughter come in to my work grocery shopping, knowing that I won't be able to do that. It hurts knowing there are so many things I didn't get to learn about her. Since a year has gone by, I feel like I am not allowed to be grieving about this. People do not really care to listen, nor do they give me much sympathy. It is hard to constantly hear that I'm not smiling enough or that I just seem depressed all the time. I feel like I do my best, but I can't be that 24/7. I know that I'll never get her back, but I can't help but wish that she was here again and that's how it will always be. She was the greatest person I knew. She worked at this bar in Apache Junction and everyone there loved her. Even after my mom got sick, she still wanted to work, so the owner told her she'd pay her to sit there and talk to people (that's how much they loved her). She had such a great soul and such a will to make up for her past (which she did). My mom is my hero, and I miss her everyday. Tori, 19