hello123

Wow Kim. I feel the EXACT same way and do the same things (putting memories away for a much later time, avoid thoughts and limpness) it is my way of dealing with it...I have recently stated smoking cannabis which I feel numbs the pain and allows me to float carelessly in my own thoughts although in these thoughts I still try to avoid any thought of my Dad. I however have not reached a stage where I cannot bare to live without cannabis (or the free and healing feeling) and WARN you if you try this treatment do not let it control your life. I enjoy setting a time once a week on a friday/saturday night where i can just calmly smoke and allow myself time where I am not so depressed. Please do not use this as something you NEED everyday but set yourself some alone time where you can actually be content. Dave

pmpupdamike, thanks for your reply, it is nice to read something positive that he was lucky. I am sorry for your loss and I hope you can think positively like this

Dear Hudsons Mom, I am so so sorry for what has happened to you. It's so cruel and horrible and unfair. I am sorry you had to experience that, I hope that slowly your pain becomes more bearable, I know it will never go away, you don't have to think of a bright future but when the pain becomes less maybe you will feel less overwhelming sadness. Good luck and take care xx

Thank you for both of your replies. Dying alone seems so scary but then at the same time we all die alone don't we? I'm sure they wouldn't have felt alone or scared, because atleast they had us in their hearts some people have nobody. I guess we'll never know and the more we think about it, the more we are tormenting ourselves. My friend who's dad has suddenly died in his early stages of cancer speaks so positively of his death and it seems she is coping so much better, thinking of things like this makes us feel helpless.

I feel the same way, and I don't think anyone gets it. I know somebody who lost his dad at a young age and when I tried explaining to him that nothing is important now, nothing is the same he just didnt agree with me at all or see where I was coming from. People have tried saying, oh but in time you'll learn to love those things again, but although some of this may be true nothing WILL be the same again so it is gonna be different! I know exactly what you mean when you say "whats the point in doing anything", I know its the wrong attitude to have because we are still alive we must carry on and make the most of our lives because we could also die prematurely and regret not living to the full. But for now, do what you're comfortable doing, it takes time and just do what you feel to do and take one day at a time. Don't feel guilty, because although a cliche, he would've wanted you to live to the max right?

Sorry for posting so soon after my other topic. I've read in the past people talking about this but it never applied to me because I'd never think about it. I was watching a U.K programme called 'spooks', the agent was stabbed and shes slowly dying, describing what she wanted and how shes feeling (my face is going cold), and I couldn't stop crying and being sick thinking about what happened when my dad was dying. He had come back from work early and collapsed at the doorstep, the neighbour saw he had fallen and was lying there (breathing, I think), she bought towels for the blood and sat with him. I've never spoken to her about it, one day I'd like to, but I wonder if he said anything? What he was thinking? How he felt? I wish I was there SO badly, it will always haunt me.

Yes you are very right, especially "can convey that you are willing to listen if that person ever feels a need to talk." I will definitely do this next time when it comes I am looking forward to being able to share it and to hear what he says. Thank you

Thank you so much for your replies I cant explain how much they mean to me! I felt really silly putting that afterwards and wanted to delete it but my laptop broke! But now I'm glad I didn't. Thanks so much for your replies. loulou it's so sad how dignified the young children are does it mean they just want to let it out but are scared of upsetting everyone? whyknot thank you for your reply, and its admirable that he while he has grown up with you you have been able to work with him through his grief. The "allow them the grace to enjoy what they can" captures it exactly. Because he's the baby of the family and he makes us all smile we don't want to see him upset I think thats why we never mention anything infront of him. Marty, your advice is exactly what I want to do, I find it on the tip of my tongue ALL the time I want to say it I want to share it but I feel restrained like I cant say anything. I know it's wrong because like you said he is old enough to also be grieving now but because of how my family in general are handling this loss it's scary to say anything incase it upsets him. I think he must be upset inside but then the fact that it never crosses his mind I feel like oh maybe he's trying not to think about it so bringing it up would upset him and because he doesn't like to talk I don't want him to be bottling things up inside. Thank you again

I just wanted to talk about this because it seems there's nobody to tell. Nursing my younger brother today because he's not well. I got just an overwhelming sadness and couldn't stop crying and its weird how it doesn't even cross his mind why I might be upset because hes young? I dunno I dont get it surely even if hes a child he misses my dad too? Anyway I had to pretend I was crying because I felt ill and he was like "I never cry when I'm ill" haha. I just feel so incompetent the one day I have to look after him and I feel so down can't stop crying just suicidal. It's good I have him to make me smile but I can't even call anyone else to say come round and make him feel better. What age will I be able to talk to him about this? He's just turned 9 now.

Harry, When you said "But the unfairness of it all grinds at me. My patience is worn to onion skin. Why this one and not that one? Why this good one while that one who beats his kids lives to a ripe old age?". I always feel like that. I worked with sex offenders as part of my degree, after my dads sudden death at age 50 I went back to work with these men, much older men in their 70s, some were apologetic but the majority were manipulative individuals. They had hurt and ruined the lives of young children, usually their own and yet were living to such an old age, just so they could continue to do these things? Some were angry, shouted at me, some laughed, I couldn't take it. I always have this question for people who believe in God, if theres an almighty being who decides these things, if he wants to make the world a better place why would he leave the people who do bad things and make people sad and take away the people who make people happy? As you said, Life is Life and that's the way it is, and I guess we'll never get our answers. Take care

Cheryl, it was so uplifting to read your post I feel so glad for you and am so happy that you are enjoying doing things!

Im glad it helps to write it, I always get so angry and never know what to do! It is unfair and messed up and I get what you mean about the poem I get really angry at stupid things like that too. I dont even have any comforting words because I know when im feeling like that I just need someone to say "you're right, this shouldnt have happened you are allowed to be angry" but instead all I get is people telling me I need to calm down and they dont know how to deal with it etc etc. Hopefully though the angry days arent that often, and I hope that you have some days where you are ok xx

Daughter 2010 I feel the same way. Everyone says that you should be able to talk about him, and "it will get easier" but no I can never think of him and be happy, its been a year and a half and if I ever think of him its overwhelming sadness because it was so unexpected and too soon, I also wonder if in 10 years time will I ever be able to think of him and smile? What a horrible thing, instead of honouring his memory we have to avoid thinking about it to avoid feeling sadness

Dear Nicholas, good luck with counselling and I was the same in the assessment stage I didnt cry and for most of my sessions I didnt cry about the death but there were tears occassionally its weird I felt I was able to talk about it in a detached unemotional way sometimes as I do when explaining to other people

Dea Erin, Im so sorry for how you feel and its so crappy that after only 8 months you have to carry on and put a happy face because of other people. The worst is how everyone then assumes you're ok. I dunno its been over a year now and yeah most days are ok and I would never have believed it because I dont know how/why they are just cant explain it but then some days are bad again and you just feel miserable and think about it

Niamh sorry I haven't been able to read any posts even though I posted my own, but I read this now and I just want to say I feel totally the same way, like I'm not number one for anyone anymore I do the same thing with a guy crave attention want him to ask how was your day want him to do things for me take me out like my dad did but the realisation hits like you said its not their place that was our dads and theyre not here anymore so nobody will be here to do that for us. I feel so left out at home Im lucky I still have my mum but she has a special relationship with my brothers and it was always my dad who stuck up for me and shouted at my brother now I feel so alone. I also always think/say what you guys are saying, can't wait to die and just be with him wanna skip my life because I dont wanna do anything else without him just wanna fastforward want it to go so quick however recently I have been having doubts what if there is nothing afterwards what if that means I wont see him again> But I just try not to think about it at all. Anyway like someone said to me what you're feeling is temporary like I know sometimes I feel an overwhelming sense of loss or when I felt sad about being left out I felt it it was so intense but then it passed, the feeling/mood was bad but eventually it passed, all these states are temporary we feel them but the next day we can snap out of it and although I hate admitting it it means that we can cope (even though we shouldnt have to) but yeah just to let you know like everyone else has you're not alone! x

Thank you Drock, I wish I could do that but I get too angry and its just too weird for me And Kawaiinicole I know what you mean about not wanting to burden anyone it seems nobody wants to hear!

aww thank you so much! That def cheered me up! x

Just got my degree results and its ruined my day, whats the point of getting good the ONLY one person i want to share it with isnt here I am SO sick of having nobody to talk to who understands, all my friends are probably out with their families celebrating, they write things on facebook like THANK U GOD U KNOW BEST FOR EVERYONE BLA BLA stupid stuff makes me so angry its alright for them all! I try and talk to people they dont understand, I try and talk to someone who I thought would know how I feel he tells me he cant talk to me I've tried writing but it seems stupid before I wrote to my dad whats the point he cant see it. I am just so angry, I cant feel sorry for anyone unless they have had something terrible and lost someone YOUNG I know people worse off than me feel the same way but im sick of the only people losing their parent being old I cant talk to them, who do I talk to then nobody, people say its better to talk to offload but who to? Ive finished counselling now who do I talk to the only person I want to talk to is him!!!!

Theres a loss of a love relationship section which might be more appropriate and theres stuff on there that is more like what you're saying and maybe more people would write

Maybe he feels guilty for spending time with you instead of his mother, I know thats how I feel about my ex boyfriend, all those times and last moments I couldve had with my dad and instead I was with him. Doesnt make sense of course because thats what happens people have boyfriends/girlfriends and dont spend as much time with their parents but its just because you asked how you think someone on the other side might feel and I know thats how I feel. But its different because my ex was never there for me or supportive but thats just a possible reason?

I don't know if anyones had this but I haven't at all up till now. I finished my degree today had my last exam and everyones relieved congratulating each other and I feel sadness so much, but also a different feeling I WISH so bad that could be me. I wish everything was fine and my mum and dad were home and I rang them saying I've finished and I'm happy and everythings fine. I hate this feeling so much I don't know what to do, normally when I'm sad I embrace it and accept it but today I just WISH so bad that I could be carefree and happy again and I can't and that makes me sad.

Sorry it's late but well done Tammy and to your daughter. And to you Cheryl and your Daughter. I am not brave enough to be involved in any big events, it's my graduation next month and my Mum really wants to go but I can't go I don't want to do it! Reading what you said makes me see that yeah it could be a bittersweet time and taking other relatives but I don't want to be surrounded by all my friends with their parents, I know it will upset my Mum too! Everyone thinks I'm being selfish but maybe just not brave because I can't face going and my Dad not being there!!!

Babypod I am so sorry too it sounds awful that they didn't respect her as much even though she raised them and made so many sacrifices. At least she has you to be respecting her memory, you should make a stand and if they dismiss you and what you say just don't back down from what you say you are an adult so they can't patronise you if you are stubborn and demand to have a say it what's going on. It's so disrespectful but I guess most people are greedy even family but at least you cared and were there with her and she had you!

I dunno either! I hear people saying that but I dont think I have encountered anything, people say about dreams too and my mums always like WHY OH WHY wont ur dad give us a sign (because it was so sudden she wanted SOMETHING) and we waited but it never happened then one day i wasSO down i was freaking out n he was in my dream so vividly and i wa slike its a sign! However my mum needs it more than me but she never does so i dunno....