Sal

I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my husband of 36 years on 10/10/10. We had been together from the time I was 15. So often it comes up when is it a good time to pack up your loved ones things and I believe that is very much an individual choice. As far as the things that come with being a caregiver to someone with cancer I think those of us who travelled that road would agree that those reminders are not happy memories. My children intuitively knew it was something their mom would not want to look at and had them removed by the evening of my husbands passing...and I am very grateful they did. Within the first two months I had given to my children and friends things belonging to my husband that held shared memories with each person or had meaning for each of them. His clothes were also packed up within those first two months, I kept some special things, his leather jacket was given to our neighbours son who my husband was like a second father too, other items were given to friends and then the rest to a nearly new in our town where someone I know got use from them. For some the belongings bring comfort but that was not the case for me, opening the closet and seeing his clothes brought me to my knees sobbing. My husband was not his things...he was the wonderful laugh, the kind and caring man, the love of my life, my best friend, a mentor to all and I will always have and carry him not his things with me in my heart and mind. Each of us must do what is best for us and neither is the right or wrong time..it is just our time. There are wonderful people on this site who will help you travel the road none of us wanted to...take care. Sally

Melina, Sorry your first meeting didn't go well. I know in my life I have totally misjudged a person on first impressions only to find out later that my perception was wrong. One of those is my best friend today. This may just mean I am a poor judge of character. However what I am trying to say is that first impressions aren't always the correct ones. Perhaps the older man and woman thought they were being very empathetic with those comments not realizing how they were sounding to yourself. People who are grieving come with different ages, genders, children or no children and perhaps the person you would least suspect of being able to help you with your grief is going to be the one who is the most help. Good for you for going again and I hope that as you all get to know each other something very special will happen within the group. Take care.

Has anyone started their own support group??? Any suggestions or ideas?? Could all of you who are attending support groups please pass on the format of the meetings, discussions, etc. There are no support groups where I live but lots of widows so was thinking maybe I should just start one. Any help would be appreciated. Thanks. Sally

Hi Karebare, I am from Canada so not very familiar with US laws, but it appears that the community property states are Arizona, California, Idaho, Louisiana, Nevada, New Mexico, Texas, Washington and Wisconsin. I believe if you are from any of those states that you would be responsible only for the debt on a credit card that was incurred after you were married. As for the Life Insurance Policy, a policy can list the beneficiary as the estate, if that was the case then it would have to go into the estate, also it appears that if the deceased could have changed the beneficiary at any time on the policy then again it would go into the estate. If you were the beneficiary and the policy couldn't be changed then the proceeds wouldn't go into the estate. That is my understanding but like everyone else has said, it is probably wise to have legal advice. At this point in time I wouldn't be promising the credit card company any type of payment (even a small monthly payment) because you could possibly be creating a liability for the debt in doing so. I personally don't think you are responsible for a debt that was incurred before you were married. However, I am certainly not a lawyer and would seek advice before paying any amount. Just another thing to worry about, as if you need that....... Take care. Sally

Hi Melina, Having an awful time with this post, brain in park this morning. What I wanted to say however was that I think the Doctor is trying to convince herself that she is the lucky one. I am not saying this with any malice but believe it to be true. If you polled 50 people and asked them if they would prefer to die over living a life as a vegetable about 49 would probably say they would like to go, myself included. Sally

Hi, All I can tell you is that before my mom went for her second heart surgery, she called me into the room and this is what she told me. She was on no drugs at all. She said I don't want you to mourn or be sad for me, I have seen where I am going and it is beautiful. She already knew that she wasn't going to make it. Since I lost my husband 4 wks ago what she said has brought me comfort. Take care. Sally

Melina, I share your concern about my children and their grieving. I am now back home after visiting my oldest son 34 and could see the pain in his eyes while I was there. Didn't know whether to bring it up or not and finally decided that if he wanted to talk he would. Still struggling whether that was the right thing to do. My daughter 32 lives in the same town and her and I have shared many tears together (will always be daddies little girl), just got married in August this year. My youngest son 30 lives about 8 hours away and seems okay when I talk to him on the phone. I think like ourselves that if they want to talk about the grief they will. For myself I know sometimes that if I talk about it I will just fall apart so choose not to. I am sure your children like mine are trying to be so strong for mom and take care of her. Maybe that is a good thing and a coping stradegy of its own. I just don't know.... I also understand when you say that you always talked this kind of thing over with your husband....boy I miss that. He was the one who could always calm me down if there was a storm and the kids weren't home yet. He shouldered the worry and lifted it from my shoulders. I lost my dad when I was 21, my mom at 34 and my sister at 44. When my dad passed away he had been ill for many years so in that respect it was almost a blessing in that he was finally at peace. My moms death however I took extremely hard, many of the emotions I am going thru now were the same. That same feeling of not wanting to live anymore and driving thinking I'll just crash into that rock and end the pain. I know when I lost my mom that I grieved in my own way and didn't really share that grief with anyone. It took a long time for me to get over but eventually I did. Take care Melina. Sally

Hi Melina, It will be one month on Sunday for me and I have been visiting with my son, daughter-in-law and grandchildren 3 years and 15 months for the past week. I felt there would never be a moment when I would feel any happiness or joy ever again. However, when I see my grandchildren's smiles and happiness that gramma is playing with them I do feel joy. No it doesn't last like it would have before my husband died but it is still there. Hang in there, you are going to have moments of joy again when you get those grandbabies to hold. Yes it will be bittersweet because your husband won't be there but sweet none the less. Besides their parents, you as gramma are going to be the next most important person in their world. They need to know you. The three year old is my grandson and when he asked about papa and was told that papa was in heaven and was an angel, his eyes grew huge with amazement and he was so excited because he knew that papa was on the moon and that was a pretty neat place to be. My husband would have laughed and laughed about that comment. For me, I just keep telling myself that because he had cancer something far worse than death was coming. I wouldn't have been able to watch him in pain and suffering. His worst fear was that he would become an invalid and that didn't happen and he was never in pain. As one of my close friends who is a breast cancer survivor said, It was the worst thing for you and the family but perhaps the best for my husband. I am sending title of that book because not sure if you got my message. It is Widow to Widow, author Genevieve Davis Ginsburg. I think of you often Melina and just know that we will get thru this somehow, someway. One of my friends just recently told me she has never known anyone who loved each other as much as my husband and I did, that we had such a special bond and it just always showed. I just keep hanging on to that because so many people never make 30 years or 41 years together. Hopefully you can find some comfort in that. Take care of yourself. Sally

Hello Melina, You are not going crazy, just grieving. I have two close friends who lost their husbands many years ago. I also have another friend who lost her husband 4 years ago. She is getting me a book that she said helped her alot. I will send you title if you like. One of the things she said was in the book that really helped her was to every day have something planned that you could look forward to. My one friends daughter who was fifteen at the time she lost her father told me just remember mom was a little crazy for about a year. This friend is now remarried and in a loving relationship and has been for 12 years. The second friend is also remarried. She is the first to say that at times she felt like she really was going crazy but she survived and surrounded herself with friends such as myself who helped her thru the dark days and now 24 years later she is doing the same for me. Some of the things these friends have told me are, don't do anything major for a year, you will find yourself resenting couples and older people, you will find joy in a day again. I am very lucky to have their support because they really know what I am going thru. Just remember take care of you and don't let anyone pressure you into doing anything you don't want to do. Yes it is nice we have our children but we all know we can't live our lives thru our children, we need to find our own lives somehow again. I lost my husband on 10/10 after 41 years together. I was with him from the time I was 15. My oldest son gave me good advice. He said as humans sometimes we tend to create the situtation that will make us even sadder, so no at this time I cant go back to memories, can't look at any pictures of my husband and I have put away the belongings of him that just make me unbelievably sad, I turn off sad music on the radio. I know one day I will put up all the wonderful photo's of him and let my mind go back to the wonderful memories. Today right now I just can't. It makes me too sad. I hope that your appointment goes well for you but if not move on to someone else. You are in charge of you and don't answer to anyone. Take care and I sincerely hope tommorrow will be a better day and the next one even better. Sally

Hi, I am new to this site as of last night. 56 years old and lost my husband two weeks ago. The grief comes in waves and it is almost like you can't breathe. I have two close friends who lost their husbands many years ago, they keep telling me it will get better and I will find a day that I wake up feeling some joy in life again. I know it is very recent but just can't imagine that I will ever find joy in anything again. Know what you mean about living in you pjs, seems like it is all I do. Sorry for your loss. Sally