Anthony

I know just what you mean-- the main people who have been able to help me are friends who have also lost parents. I snapped the head off of one my my coworkers who was whining that she did not feel very festive over the holidays because she would have to eat Christmas dinner in the nursing home with her dad... I just couldn't believe it! I told her I would walk to hell and back to have Christmas dinner with my parents! There is a wonderful book which helped me a lot-- it is called Healing the Adult Child's Grieving Heart by Alan D. Wolfelt. I use it everyday! If you like you can also email me-- I am more likely to consistently check my work email. anthony.martin@tyson.com Happy thoughts and peaceful energy... Tony

Yes, I can understand where you are... My mom had Addison's Disease-- and was in/out of the hospital for months before she was diagnosed.... Once she was diagnosed-- she seemed to improve and did live for about 2 years-- but her quality of life was not great. It dwindled slowly-- which made it harder for me to accept her death-- because I was able to slowly grow accustomed to it.... The night she died (in our home) I felt a great sense of calm-- and relief. Both for her and for myself. I was her main caretaker. We had visiting nurses and hired women to come in and help her bathe, etc-- but it was mainly me. The acute stage of grief can seem almost too easy-- for me once the chronic phase hit-- it was nearly paralyzing. I did crazy things-- consulted a psychic, made an appointment with a published medium ($225 for 30 minutes) but canceled it-- totally redecorated the house-- thew myself into constant housework and home improvements.... Then one day I realized I was living in a house that I took great pains to make 'cozy' yet felt cold in-- and obsessed with. For me I had to realize that you have it come before you can begin to let it go-- and that is where I am now-- allowing myself to feel sad-- not pretending to close friends that I am 'OK' -- and working on developing a new relationship with my mom now that she is gone-- indeed-- I feel like a totally different person-- so my relationship with my children has changed-- as has my relationship with my siblings. Some for the good-- some needs worked on. But focusing on things like this and acknowledging then make me feel hopeful. For me-- I am a different person than I was before my parents died-- and some of the changes can be opportunities. I focus on those.

First-- a little history. When I was 10 I lost my 15 year old sister to an accident-- then again at 13 my 20 year old sister was in an accident. In my 20's I lost 2 grandparents. When I was 30 my dad-- and now, at 45-- I just lost my mom. After mom went-- I myself went a little nuts-- consulted a psychic, spent too much money on telephone/Internet psychics and seriously considered paying a published medium $225 for a 30 minute telephone session... Many (all?) of us have been right where I was-- and trust me-- I am still there some days. Somewhere in my frantic 'Googling' for spiritual advice and comfort I cam across an article about developing a 'Spiritual Relationship' with those who are no longer with us-- and it empowered me. How I have gone about this is what has worked for me-- and should and could, IMO be altered to fit anyone's situation... 1)- I stopped using the word 'died' or even 'passed'. 2)- I stopped thinking that I needed to say 'goodbye'. 3)- I chose something which I closely associated with my mom (a set of Noah's Arc wind chimes she loved) and began to 'talk' to them-- both out loud and mentally--- and really listened to their chiming-- I have them near my back door-- and pass them in/out of the house. 4)- I talk out loud to her a lot in the car-- and other places where I am alone and assured privacy and non-interruption. 5)- Instead of just 'knowing' what she would want of and for me now that she is gone-- I tried to begin 'living' what I know she would want of me and for me... I do realize that she is gone-- and I am not in complicated grief-- it still hurts and there are those moments when I seem to realize for the very first moment she is gone-- and it hits me like a huge blow right to the stomach-- but these times are growing farther apart... I have found myself laughing without feeling that secret grief we all feel-- like we shouldn't be even slightly happy or amused.... Really-- no matter what you believe-- you can have an ongoing relationship with someone who is no longer with you-- we do it ALL THE TIME with people we still get to see - even those we see everyday. We think about them-- we call them up, send a text, an email-- etc. You can still do that-- but you have to learn to do it in a different way-- one that works for you. And you have to learn how to hear/see the responses-- responses I firmly believe are there for all of us.... Imagine you are no longer 'here'. Imagine what your 'heaven' or (insert whatever you want here) is-- would you not want your parents/children/spouse/friend/dog/cat/lover/etc there with you? Would you just tra la la along and not spend any time with them at all? Especially when you pretty much have the power to do so at any time??? Think about that. I have been pretty successful doing this with my mom-- and when I get stronger at it-- I am going to work on my dad-- although I think he shows up a lot with mom-- as do the girls (my sisters). But I want to work on each one individually... It will take time and effort on my part-- but any worthwhile relationship does.

One thing that has helped me tremendously is to think about how I would feel towards my own children if I had been in my mother's shoes and one of them in mine. I would not want them to have to make some of the decisions I made-- or do some of the things I did. I KNOW my mother loved me-- I FELT it all my life and I still feel it. I would wager your mom isn't upset with you and she knows you did all you could.

Merry Christmas Mom! I know you are enjoying heaven-- tell dad and the girls I miss and love them-- and be sure to stop by for at least a little while on Christmas day! And guess what? I am having ham! ha ha ha! I know you hated ham-- but rest assured-- I am having a turkey too. Everybody tells me that the new dog I got has your eyes-- I didn't notice it until it was pointed out to me-- but she sorta does have that way you had of looking at something or someone from the corner of her eye-- so I think that is what made me feel like I HAD to have her when I saw her photo on that rescue sight-- so yes-- I now have 3 dogs in the house. (But you knew that didn't you?) I used the pic I took of you and the boys last year at Lorrie's house for my Christmas card--- notice Zack with the wine? The little devil! Alax is doing so well-- he continues to made strides and you were right when you told me he 'had' autism-- it didn't 'have' him. He misses you a lot-- and is struggling. So if you could--- give him a warm spiritual hug and keep close to him over the holidays. I miss you-- but know you are always with me. Love, Tony

I had a dream about my mother... And it was very clear and concise... She was living in the house we used to live in-- and I had gone over there for some unknown reason and was really shocked to find her there. I demanded to know what she was doing there-- and if she was alive all this time-- and living there-- how dare she let me think otherwise. She told me she wasn't coming back with me to the 'new house' and she had a pet bull (not pit-- I mean a male cow-- as a pet) there who snorted at me as if to warn me to stop arguing with her. She ordered me out of that house in no uncertain terms! My family always used the term 'bullheaded' and my mom and I used to laugh after we had arguments and fights about both of us being so bullheaded we never wanted to admit we were wrong etc... I really think she communicated to me through this dream-- that she was where she wanted to be and I had better go on with my life and live it-- without her in it physically-- and she was being as bullheaded as usual about it. The house this dream took place in was the house I grew up in-- and which is still owned by the family-- We moved shortly before mom died into a larger house a few blocks away in the same small town. We moved because the new house, although 125 years old-- had been remodeled by the previous owners to make it handicapped assessable--- master bed/bath and laundry on the first floor, wide doorways, etc. It really is a big old barn of a house in a neighborhood with all sorts of other big old barns of houses... And I wasn't sure I wanted to stay here-- but in that dream she made it perfectly clear I was to stay in this house-- and that is what she wanted. Ever since that dream I have noticed I now feel more like I am 'living' in this new house instead of just 'existing' in it.... She died in this house-- in the very room I am in right now-- the downstairs bedroom which I turned into a den.... And I don't feel an overwhelming sadness in it anymore. This dream helped me a lot! I even decorated it for Christmas-- and I don't know what to think about orbs-- but there is one in the pic of the exterior of the house...

I take Prozac, Wellbutrin, xanax AND a sleeping pill. I know they are not long term fixes-- but they do help me cope in the here and now and this enables me to get through each day--and once I reached a therapeutic level (once the wellbutrin was added) I feel hopeful at least. I was on the Prozac for some time-- due to the stress of my mother's illness and taking care of her.

Got this book today-- and it is very good-- not just the same old 'at your own pace' etc that we read in every book-- but REAL ideas and suggestions to help you: Healing the Adult Child's Grieving Heart: 100 Practical Ideas After Your Parent Dies

Does anyone have any tips or ideas of ways to just get through day to day? All I seem to be doing is trying to force it out of my mind and refusing to allow myself to dwell on it--- working too much, cleaning too much when I am home and adding a dog to the two I already had... Please-- don't tell me it never gets any easier-- or worse yet-- that it does get easier-- and don't suggest counseling, medication or a medium-- -done all that.. Just please-- tell me what you do to keep going....

I read the Patrick Mathews book suggested on this forum and found comfort in it-- and am considering scheduling a phone reading with him. It isn't really cheap -- $225 -- but not impossible to save for and do.... Has anyone else used one? Any experienced forum advice?

I just cant seem to stand sitting around the house-- doing nothing. So-- you could perform surgery on my floors and eat out of my toilets and there isn't a dust bunny or a dog hair (and I have 3 of them) to be found... how is this working for me? Not well at all really... I am considering taking a part time job to get me out of the house even more-- something productive to do.

Thanksgiving-- about 8 weeks after mom died. I kept it small-- and maybe I should have had a huge do and kept busier... I just know I feel about as bad as I ever have-- and don't see an end in sight.

This whole 'going on with life' theory irritates me... We ARE going on with life! We get up every day-- we go to our jobs-- or we attend to our homes and children and other business... In my experience-- those who keep telling us to 'move on' or 'get over it' are the one who are uncomfortable with our situation-- not us. Does that make sense?

It's bad enough to be going through the grieving process-- and once you have to begin dealing with the business aspect of things-- it gets down right horrible. I have learned something though-- to share with my children what to expect-- what is going to be available to them-- and to pre-plan and pay for my memorial service... Although I knew my parents worked hard and had enough to live comfortably on once they retired-- I literally had no idea as to the extent of the estate-- and I have been assigned as administrator. This does not mean I get all the money, etc... It means I have to decide how to liquidate the non cash assets. For example--- commercial rental units. I have to monitor the collection of the rents-- and ensure any and all expenses for the properties are properly documented and all money is accounted for. As administrator-- I could sell the properties-- which I have chosen to do-- but once the sales are finalized-- the monies received from them are subject to the will-- which, after specific bequests (ie- so and so gets the silver, such and such gets the grandfather clock, etc) is divided equally between myself, my sister and my brother. Are you sure this isn't the case here? I had to sign a oath to be fair and just, etc-- something about being an 'officer of the court' or something like that-- and my siblings had to agree to the fact that I did not need to put up any of my own money as 'bond' ensuring I do not embezzle from the estate.... Of course laws can vary from state to state-- but I would contact the probate attorney-- or my own attorney if I were you to know just what to expect and what your legal rights are.

I ordered this book from Amazon-- very reasonably priced- but worth thousands when I consider how much it has already helped me and brought me comfort.