grace10

Carol Ann, I have not been here in awhile, and I am so touched by your courage and going forth with this court case. Will be sending positive thoughts your way tomorrow. I was involved in a legal situation where I sued some individuals for wrongdoing, so I really know how difficult, time consuming, and how overwhelming all this can be, and how it can bring up fear as well. I certainly admire you for being true to yourself and making your best attempt to right a wrong, not only for yourself, but for others who have been affected by this most unprofessional therapist.

Carol Ann, What a beautiful, touching story. He said his life was complete and he went to the other side. What a wonderful friend you were to him! I hope he and Melissa are dancing in heaven right now!

Melina, My mother passed on in October. A few weeks ago I received a letter from the pastor of the assisted living facility about a memorial service that was going to be held to honor those who lived at the AL and had passed on in the last five months or so. This letter aroused so many emotions in me. At first I felt grateful for this service being held, but then I felt burdened because the service was being held almost 3000 miles away from where I live and at a time that was totally inconvenient for me. The plane trip from Southern CA to Central PA is a bear too and takes up the whole day. I really could only get away for 3 days anyway. If it had been 10 days later (this week), it would have been a different scenario and I might have gone because it is spring break. I finally said no to this and felt a sense of relief. I also decided to send flowers to this service and had them all picked out. There was not even a sense of anything positive in doing this, but I was planning on sending flowers. No, actually I felt sad. March 21, the day of the memorial, came and went, and it was not even until the next day that I realized that the service was the day before and I never even thought of sending flowers the previous weekend and had not even thought of the service. I totally blocked this whole thing out of my mind. I am just not someone who normally does anything like this, but obviously there was a part of me that felt so strongly that I did not want to go through another service, much less send flowers to it, even though superficially I was saying oh, OK, and a part of me thought this was a very good gesture on the part of the facility. And looking back, no, I really did not want to go through another service. My long-winded story is just a way of saying do what is right for you. Sure, other people have their ideas, and have good intentions, but maybe these good intentions are not in your best interest.

Shelly, I, of course, do not know your family, but my concerns, from what I do know, is that the family members are going to continue to find reasons to drag this on and on, have some kind of emergency in August, or be on vacation, or have some kind of back-to-school concern. The end of August is a super busy time for a lot of people. I would go back and read Marty's advice. And, others' advice too. This is hurting you, and I really cannot imagine that your mother would want to make you almost hostage to her ashes. I personally could not stand living with ashes, but that's me. I would just find a place and spread them and let the family know where. If they want to go there in remembrance, that would be great. If they would like to have some kind of memorial in August, or whenever so be it, but I think you closure is the most important. You can have your own, personal memorial service, maybe invite friends if family cannot be there. You have the ashes, right? So, I think you are just going to have to be the leader here and take charge. So, maybe not everyone is happy, but it just cannot be our job to make everyone happy, especially those who are, in my mind, are simply procrastinating for whatever reason and really being very inconsiderate of your needs. I hope some of this is helpful.

Today I received a letter from the pastor who serves the assisted living facility where my mother lived for several years before she spent 10 months in two separate nursing home facilities. I was so touched by this letter. The letter talked about loss and how the loss is shared by those who knew and cared for my mother (and other loved ones). They are holding a memorial service to assist in processing the loss of my mother and those who left and had lived at the assisted living facility in the past few months. He calls it a service of remembrance.

Marty, Thank you for your post. Your comments really rang true for me.

Mark, I love reading Bicky's story. So interesting and well-written. So sorry for your loss. You will meet again in another place.

loulou, What an interesting idea of buying cards. I ended up looking at cards this month for Valentine's, and when the email arrived from the flower place where I usually order flowers, I ended up picking out the flower arrangement that I think she would have liked. Mother, many years before she passed on, just stopped sending cards, making phone calls, writing letters, and sending gifts. I guess it was a dementia thing or just too much effort. Not sure how much she liked cards or gifts, but she always liked flowers! I think I am going to buy flowers on Sunday in honor of mother, and probably daisies, one of her most favorites.

An anniversary is certainly difficult. My mother' birthday is coming up on Sunday. I already feel kind of sad about that. Probably the first time in my life I will not be giving or sending her a card and/or present.

Marty, Thank you for posting this! This really is reality. Although I read this the day after Valentine's Day, it still rings true each and every day.

I am sorry for all of you going through feelings of guilt. Yes, I think it is a normal part of the grieving process. Sometimes I go back and forth wondering why my mother's Coumadin level was so high and whether something else should have been done to bring it done. What was going on that it could not be brought down quickly? I know she was in the best of places, and had a great doctor. I sometimes wonder what else or who else could have made this better. And, yes, it would have been better if I were there the time she left this planet. But, that's not what happened. Even her friend who lived a few miles away could not get there in time. Even the nurse closest to her, and the other nurse I talked with in the middle of the night, had absolutely no idea that she was going to pass on in a matter of hours. And, yes, maybe different treatment for Coumadin could have extended her life a little while longer. But, what would that have been? But, I also know that she was in a lot of pain that no pain killer could really take away without awful side effects and that she was tired, tired, tired. She always "its old age, cannot do anything about that." Maybe a big part of that is true. So, if I start feeling guilty, I think about this: 1. The people who cared for her did the best they could. 2. The largest new population in our country is the old, old. And, despite all medical advances, even a decade ago, not many doctors were trying to treat people in their late 90's. There is just so much more that need to be learned about the old, old. 3. There's a big part of me that says that when it is your time, it is your time. Maybe this was decided before we even arrived here, maybe it is a willfulness of someone that they really want to leave and it is time. Look at all the time one part of a couple passes on and then, within days or months, the other half leaves this planet. I really do not have any control over another's journey. 4. I did the best I could. Even though I lived far away, I visited regularly, sent her things, called, bugged the staff at the nursing home to make things better for her. 5. My mother is on the other side, but really close to me anyway. She has let me know she is fine. Although I miss her presence here, she is probably having a great time on the other side and we will be together again. 6. A few days before my mother left this planet, knowing she was just miserable, and being so anxious about all the suffering she was going through, I did a prayer request and asked others to pray for her well being, that she be free to leave if that is best for her,that it is OK to leave me, that she get the help she needs to live peacefully here and be free of pain. She passed on two days later. I know this was her deepest soul choice and it was just too much for her body to continue on. 6. I think somewhere down the line, we do make peace with all of this.

Niamh, I think I really understand how you feel about missing your dad's encouragement. Mother was always the one who encouraged me. Fortunately, I think all her positive words of encouragement have become part of me and live inside of me. Mother = you can do it! but I sure would like to hear those words spoken again in her beautiful voice. But, for now, I am just trying to be my own best encouragement.

Happy Birthday, Marty! And Happy Birthday to STARKISS! Looks like two other members have birthdays today too. Happy Birthday to all birthday members.

Carol Ann, This is really positive news!! I think I understand what you mean about your bike having a soul. I feel that way about some musical instruments, one in particular. New car shopping is fun and exciting too!

Considering my experiences, I would be inclined to think it is "more than that"!!

Dear Tony, That is really nice! I think online memorials are really valuable. How good of you to offer this for free as well. When my mother's obituary was printed in the newspaper, an online memorial ended up being created at legacy.com. I go back there every week or so and had the opportunity to express myself in writing as well.

Carol Ann, I just signed a petition at www.thepetitionasite.com regarding this horrific act and the need to prosecute the person/people responsible. This is just horrible and was all done because the tourism dropped. Turns out the person who did it developed PTSD. What kind of employee would do this under any circumstance anyway? I would rather have no job and starve than bludgeon 100 dogs, but apparently the employee tried to find the dogs a home. This is more like torture.

Thank you, Carol Ann, for your kind comments. You have also reminded me, this morning, that I really need to connect more with my spiritual self in prayer. My good thoughts and prayers are with you!

I feel so sad today. I went to Trader Joe's (a fun grocery store) this afternoon, and just as I was entering the store, there was an elderly woman sitting on a curb with some of the employees attending to her. She had fell on the way out of the store. She just looked so helpless, and one of the staff said she had to go for stitches to her forehead. There was a full bag of groceries unattended in the cart and I let staff know so they could do something with the items that are not going home with her now. Yesterday, in a class, the topic was falls. An elderly person falls every 18 seconds in this country (US) and the effects had be deadly or can begin the decline of physical and cognitive health. Most falls have little to do with things on the ground, etc. 75% are due to intrinsic (meaning things like balance, eyesight, blood pressure changes, perception) problems. Its part of the aging process. Really, it was two falls that did my mother in both cognitively and physically. First, there was the pelvic fracture last (2009) New Year's Eve day and the admittance to a nursing home where she stayed until she passed on. She made a fair recovery from that, but then there was another fall. Seeing the woman today just brought up a lot of sadness about my mother and what she endured with all the falls she had in later life. She lived in a wonderful place with great staff, and used a walker, but she still would have falls.

lostinthought, I am so sorry for the loss of your grandpa. It sure sounds like he was your best friend, in many ways, as well. The title of your post is "What's Wrong With Me?" I do not think there is anything "wrong" with you at all. You are experiencing the emotions of grief and loss, and it is not at all uncommon to burst out in tears and/or feel angry at those around you. And, you are perfectly justified in thinking of family members who are swarming as "vultures", especially if their behavior in the past has been just awful. I would be furious observing this and any effect this has on your grandma. As already mentioned, you do not really know the effect this family behavior is having on grandma either. Maybe it would be helpful, if possible, to minimize the time you spend around the vultures, and try to spend some quality alone time with grandma, invite her to you home maybe, go out to eat? I do not pretend to know the whole story, just a suggestion.

keyboardplayer, I am so sorry you are in that difficult place where every phone call you receive is almost expected to be the one with the bad news. I went through that for quite a while with my mother before I did get the phone call that she passed on. It is just a time of so much anxiety. I never had bad dreams or nightmares, but I felt so distracted and nervous with constant anxiety, looking back. I really have no answers, but I just wanted to acknowledge what you have said and say I understand how difficult this is. Maybe you really "know" something is going to happen soon, like I did. Maybe it is a time to really think about whether you have said everything you have always wanted to say to grandma and just be a loving support to her. And, get things in order. For me, it meant being ready to drop everything to be there and having paperwork in order. This may mean something totally different to you or someone else. This is really time to take care of yourself, whatever that means to yo. as well. Take care.

Dear Chantilly, I am so sorry for the loss of your mother. Does it get any better? I think it does. It does not go away, but we learn to integrate this loss into our lives. By writing about your loss here, you have started to do something that will really help you and will remind you that you are not alone, that others are experiencing this pain too. Writing and sharing has helped me. I hope it helps you. Shortly after my mother passed on, I began to really sense that she was in some beautiful place on the other side and doing well. I still believe this. I believe she is free of pain, free of her aged body, and doing wonderful things and is reunited with loved ones again. I think her passing was at the right time, because it was too hard for her to live in pain and discomfort. She had two serious falls the last year of her life. They changed everything for her. It was just too much for her. I also believe that she wants me to be happy the rest of my life and do the things I want to really do and be with the people I want in my life, until we are joined again. Somehow, these thoughts make it a little easier when there is sadness and missing her. Take care.

Shelley, Sounds like a good plan. Also, I think it is of the highest importance for everyone to keep in mind the wishes of your parents. This is about their wishes, and really not about yours and your family members' agendas. If they wanted their ashes scattered, then so be it, they should be scattered as soon as possible, and hopefully it will be done legally. Be glad they let you know their wishes. It is really against their wishes now with the ashes being in your possession. My mother wanted a grave side service and to be buried. So, we honored her wishes. We also did not wait for someone who would have wanted to be at the service but was impossible to locate at the time. We did the service on a Friday, as planned, and I did not hear from this person until Sunday. On that day, I drove hours to visit him and we talked about mother. We just do the best we can. Blessings, and I hope this all works out! G

Starkiss, August 25 seems like a long, long time to wait. We are still in January! Do you have the remains? Also, powers of attorneys end when someone die. They have absolutely no legal merit. They are NOT your mother's power of attorney anymore. It is possible the executor(s) of the will would be in the position to carry out your mother's wishes. Who is that? Furthermore, there are all kinds of legalities, need for permits, etc. regarding the scattering of ashes. In honor of memoralizing your mother, please do what you can to make the scattering of remains legal! You just do not dump ashes anywhere. Your other family members do not have power of attorney anymore. Furthermore, there are laws regarding disposal of ashes and they should be looked into. You just cannot dispose ashes anywhere. If they are disposed at someone's house, and the house is sold, in some cases, this would have to be disclosed to the new buyer.

Thank you, Gail. I will get these songs out there, and write new ones as I am more a jazz person these days. I think the idea of how my mother always encouraged my creativity and even was encouraging of me getting a degree in music later in life is enough reason to be more out there with music. Songs just seem to happen, although there has to be an intent behind wanting to do this. If you are thinking of writing a song, just be aware, be attentive to dreams. Or, hook up with other songwriters. There are often supportive groups around with nice people. As I mentioned previously, I think a lot of songs have some element of inspiration from the other side. Sometimes I just sit down at the piano and start playing and I almost feel like I am channeling original music. I am not even a great pianist, it is not my main musical instrument, but its nice, sometimes I record it and think... hmmm, where did that come from? That's another project too.