keyboardplayer

So much word. I'm doing a lot better now that the dude is gone. Maybe that's why people have said I'm handling Meemaw's passing better than I did my sister's passing. At least I'm trying, but it does help not to have to deal with his BS along with the grief.

I was seeing a therapist, but I'm not now. Thankfully I'm doing a lot better with the anxiety, as I think a lot of it was caused by my abusive ex, and then it got worse after he cheated on me. I basically felt like the rug had been pulled out from under me. Now I've just lost the one person who I knew had my back, so I'm afraid I'll get back into anxiety again, but I'm trying to avoid it. The main thing I'm worried about is that when I meet people, that they'll either think I'm nuts or not like me, stab me in the back, or pass away on me, as my life has virtually been people steadily passing away on me for the past three years. The good thing is that I'm not having to deal with the ex's negativity anymore, and everybody says I'm a lot better person since that troll is gone.

Well thankfully she didn't say anything really annoying like, "Now I don't want you crying for me" or any cr*p like that. She's lost loved ones too and she knew it would hurt, but she also wanted to know I'd be okay. I'm trying, nnot sure how well I'm doing. Well I haven't done anything stupid, and the worst thing I've done is cry all over my bear as I play the piano, so I guess I'll survive. I know from all the other losses I've had that it gets worse before it gets better, and it's about to hit the six month mark. Oh brother, I'm waiting for it to really hit hard. Sorry for the massive thread hijack.

If it makes you feel any better, our family had several losses back to bak, including my baby sister, which nearly put me over the edge and I almost did something stupid. For about a year or longer (I had such high anxiety that I had to carry around a teddy bear in my purse everywhere I went. I still like to travel with a bear as I'm an avid bear collector, but now it's just because I enjoy it as a weird, nerdy hobby. Back then, though, if he wasn't near by I felt very uncomfortable. That was very annoying needless to say. I've just had another loss, and this time it was the person who was the closest to me in the world, and I was scared I was going to go bac into that. Oh well, better the bear than medication that didn't work.

This may not work for you guys, but here lately this song has brought me so much comfort and peace as very few things do. Needless to say I play the hek out of it. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vBurIziQuUA Just to let you know, this particular vid has a Christian story written on the screen with the song, so if that bothers you but you still want to hear the song, you can search for Celtic Thunder Heartland on Youtube, and the first result will be a live version with just them singing and playing.

Sadly, in today's society, people seem to be focused on their own lives and don't have time for others. Also, if you've never lost someone who was an integral part of your life, you can't understand what it's like. People expect you to grieve for a little while and then just magically go back to normal after the funeral. What we noticed when my sister passed is that people rallied around my mom at first, but then slowly tapered off. Thankfully she has a lot of Facebook groups for grieving parents, so she has a group of friends around her who are going through the same experience, so they can relate to each other. I've found that it's a really good thing to have someone who's been there to talk about your grief with, as it can be uncomfortable for someone who hasn't lost someone to listen when we need to vent on them. Personally I don't like to talk to too many people about my grief because I'm a happy person and I don't like for people to see me crying in my RC. I talk about the loved ones I've lost, but usually it's telling funny or cool stories about them. I know my Meemaw who I lost five months ago would kick my butt if I spent too much time crying in my RC for her, but it happens a lot more than I would like it to. I have a favorite teddy bear I cry on, and she's the only one I like to see me cry.

I, too, have angry feelings about the loss of my sister, not necessarily mad at her, but just mad that it happened at all and mad at the stupid doctors who wouldn't accept her insurance anymore, so she couldn't get the correct seizure medication. I didn't know this for a while, but when I heard Mom tell that story I'd like to give that neurologist a good kick in a certain area that would make his voice go up three octaves. Sorry for the bluntness. I try not to think about it because I don't like to be angry, but when I do *grrrr*.

Oh yes I write songs a lot. I've written a few over this situation, but some of them haven't been nice just because I'm so mad. I just talked to him to get everything situated for the divorce and I almost broke down and cried. At one time our conversations would have been all, "I love you baby", but now it's just cold hard business and he talks to me like a total stranger. We were married five years and we dated nine months before that. We were inseparable at first. Those were the happiest times in my life *cry*. Now I just can't believe all this is happening. It wasn't supposed to be this way. Man it hurts so bad sometimes that it's like a knife stabbing me in the chest. It's been a month today.

Okay here we go. I guess I sounded flat because it's easier for me to talk about it than it is to type. It was really hard for me to get it down. Our bank accounts have always been separate, but he knew my card number, so I had it changed and got everything out of my account until the new card arrived, this after idiot paid bills with my card number over the phone. I'm staying with my parents now, so there's a big adjustment. I have a lot of stuff and now I just have a small bedroom to try to keep it in, grrrr. We separated on Christmas Eve, so I came to my parents' house for Christmas and then spent a few weeks with my grandma, which I really enjoyed except for the fact that I was really emotional a lot of times. Now that I'm back home and settled in pretty much, though, the pain is hitting me like a mack truck. I did pretty good at first, but I think now it's settling in big time. At first I was like, haleluja, (sp) I don't have to deal with his b.s. anymore, but now that I'm home I think it's finally hitting me that it's over. I feel like there's this big old hole where my heart used to be. I know it'll get better because I couldn't stay in that situation, but man it hurts so bad right now. I didn't know anything could hurt like this. It feels just like someone I love has passed away. Sometimes I can't express myself with words and I use music, so here's what it feels like. Oh, and BTW, you asked what I play on the piano. I play bluegrass and very old-style country and southern gospel mostly, sort of like the piano player on the song I posted.

Wow. There's a lot here. No we don't have kids. I want them so bad, but I'm thankful now that we couldn't have any because I've been the kid in the divorce situation and it's not fun. I was his fifth wife, which should have been a big ol' red flag. I don't want to save the marriage because he's a lot older than me and I don't think the dude will ever change his ways. This has been the pattern for his whole life. I thought he had changed, but he hasn't. I thought I conveyed how I feel, but I guess I didn't. My emotions are a rollercoaster right now. Sometimes I'm so happy to be out of that situation that I feel like I'm free, but then sometimes I'm sad or hurt or mad all at the same time. I didn't know it was possible to feel this many emotions at once. The last year and probably before that, I was so depressed I was unable to play the piano. It was more like a hollow, nothing feeling than sadness, but now that I can feel again, I play all the time like I used to. I'm glad to have that back. It's scary to not be able to play. What hurts so bad is that someone could just turn off their love like he did. He used to always tell me how much he loved me, and even though he did a lot of jerky things while we were married, I still thought he loved me, but then all of a sudden he could just turn off his love over something so stupid is beyond me. You said to cut off contact with him, which I have. His voice that I once thought was so sexy now makes me want to puke. Pardon my bluntness. I haven't talked to him except to get the cable and phone out of my name and to let him know when I was coming to get my stuff out of his house. I thought he would destroy my bears and dolls, but thankfully they are all intact. What is really scary is that sometimes I have these visions of ripping out his hair or beating him with a baseball bat, which I wouldn't do, but sometimes I would like to show him how bad it hurts. Man I'll be glad when that goes away.

My husband and I separated on Christmas Eve of this year. The excuse he gave for not wanting to be with me is my obsessiveness. I have this thing, not sure if it's OCD or what it is, but I get really obsessive about stuff. I've been like that all my life and I was like that when he married me, but for the past year I've been stuck on my teddy bear collection. It was groovy when I was obsessed with music the same as him, but now I have a different obsession than he has, oh that's just horrible. A lady who had been a friend of his for years called me and told me that the day I left, like a few hours after I left when we hadn't decided it was over, he had called her bragging like the cat that ate the canary (sp) that he had found another woman and he'd spent a few days with her. He couldn't even bother to tell me about it. He just kept saying I needed to grow up because of my teddy bear collecting. He was always a big ol' control freak. He never hit me, but I wasn't allowed to have anything or go anywhere. I was like his little porcelain doll. As long as I was the good little wife and did whatever he said, things were groovy and he was happy, but if I ever said anything to disagree with him, the you-know-what would hit the fan. He never hit me, but he's had me very close to suicide lots of times. No wonder I turned to my bears. That was all I had to live for. The part that sucks is that I keep remembering when we were first married and the things he would say to me. He would sometimes cry because he loved me so much. He would always say how he thanked God for me and that I was the only one of his wives that truly loved him and took our faith seriously, but now he can't stand the sight of me because I collect bears??? I still take my faith seriously and I still would have given my life for him. I basically idealized him in my mind because I was determined to make it work. Now it's like I've had to re-program my mind from all the brainwashing he did and I did on myself. Man it's like 1984 and Big Brother. Sorry guys. I'm just having a moment and needed to vent. I hope it's okay coming here with all this. I feel bad posting this stuff seeing there are so many people here who have lost their spouses.

I feel you. This will be the second Christmas since my sister passed in October of 2010. I'm not sure how it's going to be. Man, this sucks. Can I say that word here?

Wow, that's really hard. Sending love and prayers.

I just want you to know that I'm sending you lots of love and prayers, and a big bearhug. My heart breaks for you and your family.

I think it's a great thing to save your loved one's voice. For me, since I'm almost totally blind, I really can't see pictures. A lot of people don't think about the voices, so they don't make tapes or anything like that because they have pictures. They don't realize that it's hard in a different way for me. Not being able to hear my loved one's voice would be like not having any pictures for the rest of you guys. This is why I'm always making tapes of people, or using a digital recorder.

I just have to say that I feel you on those triggers, and yes they're normal and they don't care where you're at when they hit you. They just hit. I've had that crap happen to me in public triggered by a song that I hear and it's really hard to keep it together when it happens. It's embarrassing to me when I lose control in front of everybody.

I'm glad they had a sister of someone who passed away on that vid.

They're great to have. I've always collected bears, but since my sister passed I've become obsessed with them. I think if it wasn't for my bears, I probably would have taken my life.

I'm so flippin' mad I feel like I could start smashing stuff. Somebody just posted a sappy poem that I've seen on my mom's facebook page before. Sometimes when I see stuff like that or just when I think about the fact that she's dead, I get so mad I want to destroy something. I try not to get mad, but sometimes it just happens. August 1 was the one-year anniversary of my Papaw's passing and October 25 will be one year for my sister. Man, I don't see how I can handle that day. She was supposed to have had her baby in June, but no, instead of playing with a baby, Mom was getting her headstone laid out. We ought to have been having a baby to spoil. I've started making teddy bears a few months ago and I was going to make a bear for her and one for the baby. I gave all my other family members bears, but Kristen never even got to see them. It was two weeks until her 21st birthday when she passed. I never even got to say goodbye because it happened so quickly. One minute she was fine and the next minute she was having buttloads of seizures back to back. We figured it would be a long road for her recovery. She had a really bad spell like that a couple years ago where she was in the hospital for a long time and she wasn't the same after that. We thought, or at least I did because apparently I suck at excepting things, that it would be like that, but then the preacher and a big group from church came and dropped the bomb that would change my life. I don't even know who to be mad at. I believe in God very deeply, but sadly we weren't really on speaking terms after Kristen's passing. Maybe I am mad at Him and I don't want to be. I just had so much faith that He would give her a miracle, but instead He took her. I feel like I'm not the same person anymore. I want the old girl back. This is all just so wrong. I wanted to make a bear for her baby and teach him or her how to play the piano when they got older. I wanted to get the chance to be adults with Kristen, but it's not going to happen now. Whenever I go back home is the hardest. I expect her to walk into the bedroom that used to be hers and fuss at me for changing the station on the radio or something. Sometimes I forget and almost ask for her when I go home and then I feel really stupid. On Thanksgiving I was literally on the edge of asking where Kristen was at, but thankfully I caught myself at the last minute. Sorry for the long, disorganized post, but I had to get it out. I feel a little better now.

Ugh, I don't know whether to cry or throw something. I've had so much anger about my sister's death that sometimes when I hear sappy stuff like that I just get really mad. Sorry, I guess I better take it to the loss of a sibling section. Darn this rage. I hate it *punches a pillow*.

We have a good church now with people who love us, but the other one was so big that you had to be in their clique before they would notice you. As for what you said about people just shooting you an e-mail or something, I know that I really have a problem going on the facebook pages that were started for my sister and Papaw. I'm the type that tries to bury the grief in the closet until it busts open the door. Obviously today I've been letting it out, though. Probably your family members may be the same way as me and have trouble talking about the sad stuff because they don't want to deal with their loss of your mom. I don't know if this is the case, but it could be. If not, they're being jerks.

Raindrop, if you will send me a PM, I could give you my phone number for when you need to talk.

I think people just don't understand grief unless they've experienced it. "They don't realize that it's something that never goes away. They may be sympathetic for a few days, but then they just expect you to get over it. I heard something on a radio program that has stayed with me ever since. It was a tribute for the 45th anniversary of the passing of Patsy Cline, Hawkshaw Hawkins, Cowboy Copus, and Randy Hughes. Sorry for the music geekiness. Jean Shepherd, a country singer from back in the day who was married to Hawkshaw at the time of his passing, talked about how the music community was very supportive and was like a family. She brought up a point that people didn't go to counselors and therapists back in those days because they usually had a support group, but nowadays people are so involved in their own lives that they don't care about each other anymore, so a person has to seek professional help. I saw this so much when my husband lost his dad. He didn't have anybody but me. Even our church bailed on us.

I have friends and family both that I can go to, but the main ones who are supportive of me are my teddy bears, especially Arcto, who has become my closest bear because he has been with me through all my grieving process. I don't like for people to see me down in the dumps, but I know that he'll be there for me to bury my face in his fur and cry, as I did while reading this thread.

I'll definitely be praying for the family. I can't even imagine how hard that is.