kellymarie

Hi Derek, Just wanted to say hello and how glad I am to hear that happiness is coming back into your life. It is hard to believe it's been two years. Kelly

Hello old friends, I was thinking of you all today and wanted to say hello and send some warm thoughts to you. Karen- amazing story, gave me goosebumps, there's no other way to explain it than it's a gift from Jack! Today I realized how meaningful 'hope' has been to me over the past (almost!) 2 years. The minister said to fill the void with hope. I didn't understand but was willing to give anything a try. Without hope, I don't think I could have come this far in just 2 years. Hope that Josh is doing well, hope that life can go on, hope that someday things will be better, hope to see Josh again, hope that my life will someday be more happy than sad, hope that I can go on. Well, somehow, it happened! Actually, I realized today that my life is now in a place that is even more wonderful than I could have ever hoped for. I am so glad that I didn't give up on life and on hope that I could be happy again. So I hope that this story doesn't cause anyone angst... just thought wanted to let someone else know how powerful "hope" really can be. With much love and hope for everyone here, Kelly

Corinne and Kay, Thank you for your thoughtful words. At times, I feel like I've come so far from my initial grief, that I don't remember it anymore. But then, out of nowhere, there grief is again. A strange thing that I imagine will continue to change throughout my entire life. Kelly

Thanks, Derek. It's nice to come back to friendly "faces," and know someone will understand you when you're feeling crazy. I dated someone for a couple of months last fall, and I wasn't ready then either. But I am really glad I did date him then because I think it helped me be ready for a relationship in the future. It was hard but good to do all those "firsts." Today, however, has been just plan exhausting. Thanks for your reply and it's good to hear from you. Kelly

Hi all! I haven't been around for months... I've started a new relationship with someone absolutely wonderful. I still think about Josh, talk about him, talk to his mom every couple of weeks (instead of every couple of days) but not anywhere as much as I used to. Tomorrow will be 1 year and 6 months. I've definitely "come to terms" with it all; I have a special place in my heart for Josh but now I have a new love to fill my heart. Never really thought that would happen again; I do feel absolutely blessed and can't believe it at times! But here's where the feeling crazy part comes in... Today when I left work, the radio gave a traffic report: a fatal car accident right exactly where my new love lives. And he lives in an area with not alot of traffic/people so I thought it was so unusual to hear about an accident right there. I tried calling his house phone and cell phone and couldn't reach him; I usually have no problem getting in touch with him. Well, I completely lost it. It was like re-living the first 2 hours after I found out about Josh's accident. The panic and horror and I just couldn't calm myself down. I thought I cannot live through this again; I don't even know how I did it once. The feeling like you're so upset you don't even know what to do with yourself. I even had my friend call the police dept. Well, he called me about 2 hours after my full-fledged panic attack; he was out on his boat with his family without the cellphone. He's wonderful and very understanding and said it's just a part of who I am. But, man, I just wish I didn't feel so crazy. It made me realize if you open yourself up to love again (which is absolutely worth it!!!!!), you open yourself up to potential hurt again. I would never go back, love is amazing but gosh....... Re-living that horror and panic was just that... horror. You just never know when grief will rear it's head up again............... sigh...

Dolores, I am so very sorry for your loss of your Sean. I lost my boyfriend at the age of 27 in a car accident on March 5th, 2006. He was also an only child, and I have become very close to his parents, especially his mom. So I know your pain from seeing through Josh's mom. I've heard of an organize called Compassionate Friends for bereaved parents. Again, I am so sorry and just wanted to send you a hug and prayers during this painful time. And you will always be Sean's mom... that will never change. Kelly

Hi Jessica, I am so very sorry to hear about the loss of your James. I lost my Josh on March 5, 2006; he was also killed in a car crash. I was 26 and he was 27. Yes, it is hard because no one our age understands, thankfully so because it is a miserable experience. I think 3 months after he died was one of the hardest times for me because I came out of being completely in shock. I know it may sound cliche but right now all you can do is survive each day. I even had to look at each day as 20 minute intervals to survive the overwhelming grief and pain. This site was exceptionally helpful for me as was reading books on grief, talking to a counselor, going to grief support groups, keeping a journal, talking to friends and family, especially Josh's mom. I felt I needed to face my grief face on and not avoid it. And because of that, now at almost 16 months, I feel alive again. But it is a very long, lonely, and painful road. It is nice to have company along the way sometimes, and we are here for you. Many hugs, Kelly

Kay, Sending you many hugs and prayers today. Kelly

<<<<<<<<<Shell>>>>>>, I am so very sorry to hear of your loss of your mother. You mean so much to me and to everyone in our family here; we're here whenever you need us. Sending you so many hugs, Kelly

Hi Jess, My Josh, who was 27, was killed in a head on collision by a kid that was driving too fast in the snow. That was 15 months ago. The kid goes to trial in Decemeber. For many, many months I thought about the accident, all those questions about Josh's last minutes, what the witnesses from the scene said, what Josh's face looked like plastered with makeup at the funeral home, etc. I just wanted to tell you that now my thoughts are from the happy times, Josh being alive, etc. Yes, occassionally I think of the accident, like yesterday I teared up on the highway where there was a memorial for someone else. But mostly the good memories are here now. But, yes, in the beginning it is all horror. I hope it's a tiny bit of hope to know that someday the good memories will come more often than the bad. Hugs to you and your children in this painful time. Kelly

Hi Chrissy, I dated someone from about 7 months after Josh died to about 10 months. Yes, I definitely compared him to Josh. I think it's inevitable. It made me realize how much capacity Josh had to love and how much this new guy didn't! Things ended nicely between us (this poor guy's mom, dad, and great aunt died while we were dating). Even though I compared him to Josh and it didn't work out, looking back on it now from 15 months since Josh died, I am so very grateful to have had the experience. The way I saw it was I had to have "the first guy I dated after Josh died" at some point in my life. And, for me, I think the longer I prolonged it, the more issues I'd have with it. Also I think it helped me in my grief in that I no longer had every waking moment about Josh and made room for new thoughts to come it. Also since I helped him in his grief process, I could stop thinking about my grief for a change. Which was much needed! Not sure if that helps at all but that's my story! Keep hanging in there. I was a wreck the whole month before the one year anniversary. Sorry you're going through this rough journey. Hugs, Kelly

Kay, It's so wonderful that you found just the right time to scatter George's ashes. Your story itself was a wonderful tribute to George. His personality and what you loved about him always shines through in your posts. Many hugs, Kelly

Thank you all for your messages. I do like to think of Josh as my guardian angel. It is nice but this has sent me through another mini-grief spiral, and at almost 15 months, I'm ready to be done with the crying. But it is a million times better than last year this time... There is hope for all of us!

So I've been thinking about Josh being here with me the other day.. and it reminded me of a picture we took in the backyard together. We were standing in the picture right where I "saw" Josh on Friday. So tonight I decided to look at our old picture together. And in the picture, right where I saw Josh, is this little white spot or shimmer in the picture. It's so strange... Check out the picture. Also, the dress I was wearing is the dress I wore to the funeral because it reminded me of that night the picture is from. Too many coincidences...[attachmentid=129]

I see that it's Gaby birthday today! Gaby, I just wanted to let you I was thinking of you and sending you birthday hugs. This morning on my way out the door to go to work, I had to stop to water my little flowers. I was in a hurry but as I was watering my flowers, a nice wind blew and reminded of how beautiful life can be. Then I walked down the stairs to go to my car... and then I caught a reflection in the glass of the french doors down stairs. It was the figure of a young man of my Josh's stature. I think it was Josh!! I tried to just dismiss it as my imagination but as I got in my car a shiver went down my spine and I got goosebumps. Later in the day, one of Josh's friends who he used to race with sent me a text message saying he was in Atlanta this morning picking up a car for work. I think Josh was visiting Atlanta this morning too! It's been awhile since I've gotten a little sign from Josh... and when I was least expecting it!! I think Josh stopped by for a few moments with me.

Jenn and Gaby, I definately feel the way both of you do. I'm at 14 months and have FINALLY realized this is my "new" life. I almost can't remember what life was like before Josh died. I feel lonely even when I'm around my friends, alot of whom are single so it's not the "couple" thing. I definately am more serious and more spiritual right now than my friends, which does make it lonely here. And Gaby... " think I'm having a spiritual need right now, which so far I feel it calms my loneliness and sadness, and maybe eventually find somebody who understands me and helps me grow spiritually" is very much how I feel at this stage in my life (just turned 28 which was sad because I'm older than Josh now...). Anyways, I am very glad to hear this is how you all are feeling because I'm feeling it too.. and it's very sad and lonely here. It doesn't seem to be getting "easier." Hugs, Kelly

Maury. My Josh was killed last March 5th. Just a couple of weeks ago the judge decided that there was enough evidence to charge the kid who killed him with neglient homicide (driving too fast for the snowy conditions). There will be a trial in Dec. It does make everything seem fresh and new again. Sighhhhhhh.... Kelly

Hi Derek, I'm sorry to hear you're having a rough time. I just passed the 1 year mark on March 5th. The month before so was very very hard. You think you're doing "okay" and then wham!! Honestly, the anticipation was worse than the actual day. What actually got me the worse was the day before March 5th because it was a Sunday which was the day Josh died last year. So it felt the same... Paul wrote a wonderful post recently about some ideas on how to approach these anniversaries. I'll look for it and add the link. And I had hoped it would magically all be okay now that I've passed the 1 year mark, and it isn't. It is a billion times better than last year now but it's never going to be "okay" that our loved one died. Well, sorry to ramble but you're in my thoughts during this painful time. Many hugs, Kelly

DoubleJo and Kay, Thank you both for your kind words on this semi-sad day; I really appreciate it. It comforting to have people around who understand. I told my friends why I was sad today, and I know they are sad/confused for me but they don't get "it." Which, honestly, I am glad that they don't get it. You never wish this on your worst enemies nevermind your friends!! I can say I am glad this year is over. 27 was a very difficult year in my life!!! One full year of grief! I have come very far, learned a tremendous amount and I am grateful for all that I have learned. So I'm ready for a new year... Kelly

DoubleJo- That is quite a series of dates and birthdays and ages; seems like too much to deal with all at once! I'm sending you my hugs!! I'm having a hard time right now due to dates and birthdays but it's not as complex. Josh died at age 27 on March 5th, 2006. I turned 27 on March 13th, 2006. So I just passed the 1 year anniversary of both his death and his funeral, March 11. What is really hard for me right now (and having just survived the one year anniversaries of his death and funeral!!) is that I am now 28... for the past hour! But I am so sad that I am now older than Josh... very very sad.... I'll try to enjoy my birthday but it's just so darn bittersweet.... Not only is he not here but I'm older than him now

I am so very sorry for your tremendous loss. This board is a great place to tell your story and let out your sadness and grief. I am so sorry you had to find us but I hope it will help you along the way.

((((((Paul)))))) Sorry you have even more losses to deal with. Sending you hugs and prayers during the next leg in your journey through grief.

If somebody is a little proactive in moving forward then these dates can even be used as a fulcrum to swing themselves through grief a little more. A hump to jump over. It may help them to "move on but not leave behind" (as a lot of people fear they will do with their dead if they "get past it"). "One year ago this happened. I'm not going to focus on that, instead I'm going to focus on the year since. How far I've come and grown. How much stronger I am as person because I've learned some lessons and applied them." Dear Paul, I wanted to let you know that this piece of advice completely changed my one year anniversary day. This past Sunday was the day before the one year but it felt like the actual day because Josh died on a Sunday. I was a mess. But then Sunday night, I found your post that I had printed out back in Feb. I really gave the above part a lot of thought and a lot of attention. And it worked MIRACLES!! It's all about attitude. It made me realize that on Monday I should focus on how much I've changed for the better, how far I've come and grown, and what an amazing gift Josh was in my life. I decided to think less about the accident, his death, the huge loss, the overwhelming grief and sadness, and instead think about all the positives. Even one of my friends said on Monday, "wow you're really doing so well today!" I replied "you can go one of two ways and I choose to go the positive way!" I made Monday a day I recognized my amazing friends who helped me survive the year. Brought them lunch at work, little presents and cards to say how important they are to me, etc. So Paul, I cannot thank you enough for your insight and words of wisdom. You changed what could have been a horrible day into a positive day! So I will pass your insight along whenever someone asks me about the "one year." Thank you so very much!! Hugs, Kelly

A letter I'm sending to Josh's parents... Remembering Josh This past year I have spent remembering Josh’s life and love: memories of when we met, fell in love, his travels, our travels, everyday life together, amazing times, difficult times, every detail of his life during our time in life together. One memory keeps coming back to me, a night on the beach where I grew up. We sat in the sand wearing our “beach wedding best” with the bright moon overhead; we talked for hours about the simplest things in life to the most personal and deepest. That night I felt Josh’s heart and soul; that’s Josh to me, the Josh I loved and still love. Life, love, and loss This past year I have spent contemplating Josh’s life, love, and death, trying to put all of it together. I have learned more about life, love, and loss by having Josh in my life for an intense moment than I have in the previous 25 years. The most important lesson I have learned from Josh and this experience is that love is the most important part of life. It is the one true thing that survives all, survives death. Everything else in life and death are just extras, stuff, details, unimportant. All that truly matters is the love that we experience and share, the love we give and receive. Josh was, remains, and will forever be an amazing gift of love to me. Coming through my life like that “comet burning a bright blazing path through the night sky,” he taught me the most important meaning in life: love. Legacy Josh lives on in each and every person he touched during his life (which were many!). Josh lives on in me in many ways: live life to the fullest, don’t take yourself too seriously, love with your entire being. Josh has forever changed me as a person, and he will continue to be a part of me, how I interact with others and in relationships, and who I am in every aspect of life. Josh has his own special place in my heart, and he is with me everyday. I hold you both close to my heart, right next to that spot that Josh’s. Thank you for the gift of Josh’s life and love and also for your kindness, empathy, and love. It means so very much to me that during your darkest hours you were and are able to continue to show your love. As I mentioned last year, I know where Josh learned and developed his capacity and ability to love, from his very loving parents… you! With much love, Kelly

Nancy, I am very glad to hear that you had a nice day. I do wish for all of us more happy memories and less tears in our second year and always!