Rose

Today I found this site, as the computer is my constant companion as I do medical transcription on it as my work. I wanted to see if there was anything under "grief" that could possibly make me feel better and not so lonely. My precious husband of 36 years died suddenly at 1 a.m. on March 26, and I have felt like the world just needed to stop. How could it possibly go on? How could people be going about their lives as usual. The whole world has changed. I feel I have no reason to live. I miss him beyond words. He had a wonderful sence of humor. He was always coming in and stopping at my computer to give me an update on what he was doing in the garden on in his birdhouses he was building. I have only my mother who has Alzheimers to talk to, and she says, who is "Ralph?" "I can not remember him. That just hurts me to the bone. She does not know me at times. I have a son, but he does not live with me, and I see him occasionally when he comes by, and that helps. Reading what everyone has written has helped me because you feel so alone in this, as if you are the only one in the world who could possibly hurt this much. He died so suddenly and unexpectedly of a heart attack, and after waking me and telling me he felt bad and the details of how he felt, he started gasping for breath, and was gone within minutes. I felt so helpless. I still do. I feel I should have been able to do something, but EMS kept me on the phone asking me details while he continued to struggle. They told me not to hang up. I was in the next room. I felt I should have been in the room with him. I have anger toward the way the call was handled. They should have instructed me about CPR instead of asking me questions and telling me I had to answer the questions, when I could hardly think. By the time I got back to him, he was no longer breathing. I regret I did not try to do CPR. I did not even think of it. They should have mentioned it. Maybe if he had lived, he would be worse off if he had no oxygen for awhile, but I wish he would have had a fighting chance. This has caused me a lot of distress in knowing I might could have saved him if I had thought to try to do CPR. Some people believe that we have an appointed time. I have never believed that, but I had a dream the same week he died on the Monday night before, and I dreamed my son died and he did not tell me until the next day. I told my husband of this dream, and he said "nothing" just looked at me like I wish you had not told me this dream. In reality, my son did not find out about his father's death until the next day. I think it is possible this could have been a warning, and maybe his death was inevitable, but I would feel so much better if I had just thought to try to do CPR. I had been trained in it, but I was so hysterical, I could not think of it, and the people at EMS dispatch did not even mention what do do if he stopped breathing, even though I told them he was "barely breathing" and actually he was gasping for breath. I keep seeing the whole thing over and over in my mind and wishing I had done something different and maybe I could have saved him. In fact, I can think of "nothing else" but his death at the present, though I try. I am finally doing some of my transcription work on the computer, but I still think of him all the time while I am typing. I do not know how to get past this. I do not know how to want to continue living as I do no want to right now. I am needed by my mother and my son, so I must somehow get stronger. I know Ralph (my husband) would have wanted me to be strong for our son, age 34, who is still somewhat dependent on us. My husband worked with him on the farm quite a bit, and was always helping him. They were very close. It is a great loss for him also, and his grief also makes me even sadder. I have virtually no one to talk to (do have friends I can call on the phone, but I feel it is "history" to them, and they are kind to me, but they really do not want to hear any more about it, that is how I feel. The people here are all having the same experience, and I am thankful to have found this site as I think it might help me not to feel so alone in this misery. I think to myself, other people get through this, (I had no idea it was so hard), and I have to do so, but I just wonder how to even begin to cope. Hearing others express how they feel makes one realize that others do not get through it any easier than I am doing. I loved my husband more than words can say, and in fact that was the last thing I said to him that night before leaving him in his chair in the living room and going into my mother's room to watch a movie with her and keep her company. I told him I appreciated what he had done for me that day (gone out and got my gout medicine and carried the pill and water in to me, told me I should rest that day if I was not feeling good, and he would call me if my mother needed me as he was going to work on planting his tomatoes) HOW could I know it would be him who would DIE THAT NIGHT. I told him as I passed his chair going into my mom's room, "I appreciate what you have done for me today, and what you do all the time, and I LOVE YOU." It was the last I was to talk to him until he got me up when he died (within 10 minutes of my awakening to find him sick). I wish he had told me sooner. He said he had been having trouble breathing when he went to bed, but he just thought it would pass. If he had gotten help then, he may have made it. I am not sure if it was a heart attack or congestive heart failure. They did not find out at the hospital. I just have regrets. It is like "He should not have died!!" He was only 64, and he I had no clue he was that sick. I knew he had gallstones, and I think we both thought that maybe was what was wrong, but we had little time, until he just starting gasping for breath and died. I just keep reliving this. How can I stop? How can I possibly go on with my life? I know I must, but I do not want too. I do not mean to feel sorry for myself and in this group, it is obvious everyone shares the same misery. It is a feeling like I have never, ever felt before. I told myself I was able to be happy before I met him and did not feel so lost??? But that was 36 years ago. I was only 23 years old. We have been constant companions for so long that he was a part of me. I feel like part of me is missing. The trees are so green and the birds are singing, and my ears are deaf. I can see no beauty. He loved the Spring time so, and he loved to plant the garden and even sold vegetables and tomato plants out of his greenhouse. He was so looking forward to winter being over and getting to plant his tomatoes. He already had them starting under florescent lights in the house. He was excited about ordering the seed. He was so looking forward to Spring, but this was one Spring he was not to have. There is no way I can enjoy it. The beauty in it just makes me sick. Our poplar tree is all bloomed out. He loved that tree as we got it when it was just a little tree, and moved it three times to where it is now. He said he was not moving it again. He loved this little place. The cat misses him. She sat in his lap everynight and he brushed her. She looks lost about that time every night as if she is looking for him. I wonder how a person stops feeling this because I know it is not doing him any good, and he would want me to be strong, and to work hard so I could help our son Matt, and to go on. He was a calm, collected person. He would want me to handle this better than I am doing. He would know I would miss him, but he would want me to be strong, and feeling so miserable is not helping him, but I do not know how to stop. Does time really help as people say???? It is nearly two months now. At first, I could not comprehend it, and I could even laugh, I was in shock. I do not even hardly remember the funeral. Now, I have no joy at all, and I can not stop thinking of him every minute of every hour. I feel his presence all the time as if he should be walking in the door. Since we both worked out of our home, (I have done medical transcription for 10 years at home, and he farmed), we were closer. He worked all day, but about 5 p.m. or 6 p.m. (later in the summer), he would come in for super. I keep expecting to see that truck back up coming back from Matt's farm, and he should walk in the door, but he doesn't of course. I try to sleep when I get so depressed I can not stand it any more, and I can forget for awhile. I asked the doctor for an antidepressant, Wellbutin, and I have taken only two -- so far, not helped, but maybe it takes time. I know this is too long, but I could go on and on and on, but that is enough for now. Rose