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About elb

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    Advanced Member
  • Birthday 08/03/1982

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    New York

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  • Date of Death
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  1. elb

    Staying Lost

    It has been over a decade since my brother died and I still tell myself every week "Be gentle with yourself". I think the experience of losing someone changes the way your brain works in general. I had to learn my new self (the things that bother me, the things that upset me, what I am and am not able to do). Grieving is so difficult because while you are damaged permanently by losing one person you are also losing the self you used to be (pre-loss self) and are trying to figure out this new person you are. In many ways I feel like the person I was before my brother died is dead too and when I think about who she was sometimes and when I see her in photos I see her almost as a friend I used to have that I lost touch with and no have forgotten most things about. I have also found that they more systems, routines, and programs I put in place for myself the better I manage but there are ALWAYS hard days. Managing gets easier but the loss stays hard.
  2. I thought I had figured out how to compartmentalize my feelings about my brother's in a way that made sense to me, that allowed me to grieve when I needed to and be higher functioning when I needed to buy lately I feel like there are landmines everywhere. Even very happy events like my close friend who just had a baby with dimples- my brother had the cutest dimples, it was instant heartbreak for me to look at him. I am reluctant for any more time to move forward because I am losing more and more of him as the years go by, I was hoping it would get easier not harder.
  3. elb

    Losing My Mind

    I understand that the things that have been happening are happening are making you feel uneasy. I am not a big believer in the paranormal or ghosts or any of those things but after my brother died similar strange things began happening and lasted for about a month then stopped. In my case it was lights turning on and off as members of my nuclear family entered rooms, or the flood light when we walked in the front door. Trust me we were and are overcome with grief and sadness but instead of making me feel crazy those things made me feel like my brother was with us and refused to leave just because something bad happened. I know you cannot just change your feelings or snap your perspective in a different direction but after reading your story I think it is possible that your grandmother, caretaker, mother-figure, best friend, is trying to find a way to be close to you just like you want to be to her. I have no idea, but is it possible that this is a miracle rather than a curse? (I also hope I don't offend you!)
  4. elb

    The Polyester Suit

    I was recently at a memorial held every year for my brother by his elementary and high schools jointly. A boy whose sister was friends with brother told me his sister still has my brother's phone number in her phone and says she wont ever delete it. I don't even know her and that made me really love her. Does anyone else ever get that weird feeling in their stomach that kind of makes it hard to breathe when a particularly bad feeling of grief comes on? It's been so bad lately. I think because my other brother is getting married in 3 months he and I are feeling particularly uneasy. I feel like I cant face this wedding. It is killing me. This poster was super-scattered, sorry.
  5. elb

    I Miss My Brother Isiah

    Hey, I am so sorry for your loss. I also lost my brother in an accident and he was my best friend too, but everyone's grief is different so where I cannot imagine the pain you are in I can sympathize. I agree with you though, I never say "was" when I talk about Oren. Maybe I am in denial or not properly "moving on" but I could care less I will never say "was" when I talk about him I don't care if I live for 100 years. I am not sure how I feel about spirits or souls living on or any of that but I do believe it is never too late to say what you need to say to people you love and I keep a book with poems or notes or stories to write to my brother (or maybe it's just for me) about us and him and what I remember. It makes me feel a little better I don't know if other people do anything like that. I am in pain for you and what you are going through; if you need someone with a little experience in this, I am here to listen. Praying for Isiah.
  6. elb

    Very Alone

    I am not sure I can shed any light on anything but I can definitely tell you you are not alone. If you need a support system you came to the right site. I have not been a member for very long and I do not always have time to post my feelings here but I feel like the people I have connected with here really get me and understand what it is to grieve in the same way I do. A year and ten months is a short time, do not put pressure on yourself to feel anything more than what you are right now. It can be unbearable at times but you have to know that people are out there who can be there for you. Everyone on this site feels like there is such a tenuous link between life and death because we have all experienced loss and I hope I do not just speak for myself when I say WE ARE HERE, WE ARE LISTENING. I am so thankful for the support here, I hope you can find a little bit of comfort here (maybe). Someone once told me, "It doesn't get better, but it gets easier." After a year and ten months I was not even able to admit that was alone or grieving and now, after almost nine years, I am able to say, "I am in extreme and profound pain." It could take a long time but it is possible to try and make some kind of life for yourself. Maybe we can all even be happy again, at least that is my prayer for everyone here.
  7. elb


    I am not sure I have the right or the knowledge to comment on your therapist's statement, but a good therapist, in my humble opinion, should be able to help you through as long as the anger goes on. When brother died I was not just angry I was infuriated I was bitter I was belligerent. My therapist sat across from me for YEARS listening and taking while I unleashed he fury of god on him. He really helped me not the least of which was because he accepted my anger and gave me a safe space to be as angry as I needed to be for as many years as it took to get myself to a more accepting place. And mind you I was a horror, I cursed at him and yelled at him and said all kind of personally and professionally insulting things to him and he would say "you seem angry today. Tell me about that,' i laugh thinking about it now but the only way I made it through was knowing that his office was an accepting place for me to feel my bad feelings. Hang in there because you are allowed to be as "irrationally" angry as you want but for the record the death of one's parents gives one the right rpm be completely and utterly raging...
  8. elb

    Holding On To Memories Of My Brother

    I even have a finger paint my brother did for me when he was in nursery school and shirt the rabbi tore at the beginning of Shiva. I have everything my brother ever gave me in a box wrapped in acid free paper to keep everything preserved.
  9. I feel embarrassed to admit this but I am experiencing a new kind of loss on the grief forums. I have made some comforting contacts on this site but now I am dealing with the rejection of people who make contact with me and then stop. I don't blame it on anyone but being sensitive loss after losing my brother has left me vulnerable to new kinds of loss I never saw coming. How can I deal with the end of a friendship or relationship with a fellow forum-poster when I am already so touchy?
  10. elb

    I Lost My Brother

    This week marked the eighth anniversary of my brother's death and I don't think it has gotten any easier. I am dealing with new problems now like not being able to remember what hiss laugh was like as well as old problems like feeling.such a profound sadness that sometimes I feel like I can't breathe. The only time I feel better is on this forum. I am relieved to have found a place where I can say all things other people would think sound crazy. Happy holidays everyone. Thank you for becoming my support family.
  11. I think my main problem has been that I feel like no one I know has really understood what I have been feeling and I think I even make them feel awkward and uncomfortable sometimes when I say something about him. But the more I read the posts on this site the more I feel like maybe that is just not a place I am understood. I also tried therapy which I was in for years but I felt like the doctor wanted to talk about my parents and their reaction but I was still working on my head. I am really glad that I found HOTV, I feel like I found a comfortable place where no matter what I say there are people to relate to me. Thanks so much for listening AND responding...
  12. It has been 8 years-- haven't moved a single one of my brother's things. It's a bit Miss Havisham, I understand that, but I just refuse to do it. It may stay like that until I die. I don't know but I am not going to be the one to even move the blanket on his bed...everything is exactly the same as the day he passed. For those of you who were able to handle it I am in awe of you, you's stronger than me...
  13. Lostdaughter. Joining HOTV is the best thing I could have done for myself this time of year-- I have suffered through 7 Thanksgivings in silence (for a while I had my brother on my side but now he wants to hear none of it) but this Thanksgiving it suddenly occurred to me that there might be other people out there who really could support me. I am very non-technological so it made sound odd but it took me all this time to think 'maybe there is a place on the internet for this!?' Ha-ha of course because there are hundreds but I am glad I settled on this one because I feel like I have found kindred spirits and some of the things I have not ever been able to say for fear that even my former therapist might find odd are completely understood here. Thanks so much for your post, it made me feel like you really listened to what I said and put thought into your response (which i'm sure you did :-) ) and not I feel more able to go forward and handle this holiday...
  14. I just feel like all days are hard but holidays are rubbing salt in the wound. I know they are just arbitrary days and they do not have to be observed but it is hard not to notice that everyone is wandering NY with their families, spending time together, etc. Thank god I still have plenty of family to celebrate with but in a weird way that makes the whole thing sad in a different way. It is a catch 22, we are sad if we are all alone and sad if we're together. Figure that out... I hope everyone has a nice non-Thanksgiving :-)
  15. Thank you so much-- I am so glad I joined HOTV I feel like all the things I cannot say to anyone else because they will think I am weird or crazy are really understood here. Your support means a lot to me. I finally feel less isolated in my grief.