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About beakerj

  • Rank
    Advanced Member

Profile Information

  • Your gender
  • Location (city, state)
    Hampshire, England
  • Interests
    Anything creative, music, reading, cuddling my 2 Patterdale Terriers & my husband.

Previous Fields

  • Date of Death
  • Name/Location of Hospice if they were involved:
    Oakhaven, Lymington, UK
  1. beakerj

    Gone But Still Alive

    Goodness me, what an awful thing to have happened to you both, in different ways. I'm so sorry to hear about it. It really does sound like talking to someone would be helpful.You've been through a really shocking time, so happy, then relieved he didn't die, then shocked at the terrible changes...A lot of serious events & emotions in a relatively short time. It all adds up, stresswise. I'm sure it would be helpful to think it all through with someone, & consider what your best options are now, & how to get through this. It may also be helpful to do a little bit of reading about the results of head trauma, & PTSD, because his symptoms fit into both categories, it may help you to understand the changes in him, & realise what can & can't be done to help in these situations. It's a huge loss to you, I'm not surprised you feel so rubbish, there's no real secret as to why you feel this is so much harder to get over than anything you've been through before. Just hang in there, & try & make it to therapy. Dogs are excellent when you feel like crap...my two are the light of my day. I really hope that things start to move forward in a healing way, & the same for your friend, I hope he gets what he needs to help him heal too. Wishing you all the best
  2. beakerj

    Chelsea Is Dying

    Oh Shelley, this made me cry. I'm so sorry that you & Chelsea have to be parted by death, even though I'm glad any suffering is over. I love my dogs a ridiculous amount, their love is so simple & straightforward, no complications, no subtexts or grudges. They're our fanclubs, our cheerleaders & our confidantes. The meal & the blanket were just lovely. I know I felt HORRIBLE when my two dogs had to be away from me after Mum died & I wasn't well enough to look after them. I will regret that until the day I die...& yet I know it wasn't my fault, I'd never have chosen that, it's really a sign of just how poorly I was. So I need to forgive myself, & I know you do too. It sounds like you were with her at the end, & for them, if you're there, that's all that matters. What came before disappears. So, cut yourself some slack, you've been a brave loving owner to your dog & who can ask for more? She went, happy & loved. I pray for as much for my two. Big love from me, Becka (& Darcey & Linus)
  3. beakerj

    Cat With Myeloma

    Oh Matt I'm so sorry. So sad that she's finally gone, no matter how fantastic it is that she died at home, in a favourite place & so on. I look forward to one day seeing all my cats too ( I made my family a watercolour family portrait for Christmas one year, all our gone-before-us cats were flying around our heads, with our still-with-us cats were round our feet, it's extra special now as it has my Mum in it ) Look after yourself & be as sad as you need to be. See you later Penny! Becka
  4. Dear mfh, So brave! Well done you. Before my Mum went into the hospice I sat her down with a tape recorder & asked her all about her life, all sorts of stuff about her childhood in Dublin, me & my brothers as babies etc, anything I could think of. I did this a few years ago with my Gran (Granny Smith, for real), when she was about 84, who now has dementia. I'm so glad I did this, but it's going to be a long time before I can listen to the tapes of Mum, especially as her voice was huskier due to the lung cancer. But at least I have them, but need to have them put on CD so they last forever. It made me realise I don't have any recordings of my husband or brothers voices, or my best friend's.... I think that's a really big step for you, I'm so glad Bentley was there with you, bless his dog heart. My husband took my older dog Darcey to Mum's house the other day (it's been sold, & was the final clear out, but I've never been able to go back there) & she started wagging as she ran up the path & then searched the house for Mum & her dogs. I don't know whether to laugh or cry. Is that baby Bentley on Bill's knee? Such a lovely picture. I hope your 25th Anniversary brings you joy as well as pain. You guys really achieved something, which deserves to be celebrated. Warmest, Becka
  5. Hey Melina, I too am amazed by those who remain & are relentlessly positive. I'm naturally an optimist, but grief ground me down & weirded me out to the point where all I could see was hopelessness, pain & darkness. I'm starting to feel more like my 'normal' self now, which I'm amazed at as I thought grief had broken my mood forever. My 'griefprint' was very different from what I had been expecting... I do think there's value in looking for the good in life & not just letting the bad swallow us up - when & if we can. I've always given thanks for 10 things every night as I go to sleep, & can do this again now mostly. But sometimes just surviving is all we can do. I'm learning a lot from the people here! Warmest wishes, Becka
  6. Hey Dave, just to say that, for me, it sounds like you did ALL the right things. There's a big difference between treatment that prolongs people's lives, & that which prolongs their deaths...once you cross that line it is time for us to let them go. You know that, as did my Mum, a Nurse of almost 50 years, who died of cancer last November. She knew the score, & had worked terminal care & Neuro intensive care, so none of it was a shock to her. She always said she'd have DNR tattoed on herself, it never came to it, but we would have honoured her wishes if it had. Typical blinking Nurse. I don't know if she knew we (my brothers, me & my Aunt) were holding her hands as she died. But she was utterly confident in our love & saw us there with her every day, until whatever was her last conscious thought. I'm sure this is true for Mike too. I'm not surprised you feel sad for you, it's very new & totally awful. I still feel sad for me, sad for my family, & sad for us all on here. Grief is ...um, words fail me really, grief is a massive horrendous bitch of a thing...something like that. Wishing you all the best, Becka
  7. beakerj

    Cat With Myeloma

    Hey Matt, (& Penny), so sorry to hear that Penny's so poorly. That sense of impotence in the face of their suffering is horrendous. But taking it a day at a time, or a cup of tea at a time, may be a cliche but it works. As does enjoying whatever time you have with them. Penny will pick up on your mood, so try & see it from her point of view...animals face things so much differently than we do, no worrying, no dread, just doing what they can in the moment. Also, do ask about the chemotherapy, something in my brain is ringing a bell about cats not being affected the same way humans are by chemo...check this out with your vet. Thisis just to say I'm thinking of you, I've had many wonderful cats in my life & your guy has already outlived them all... I wish I could have had them all forever. Big hugs & a gentle skritch for Penny. Becka
  8. Hey Dave, I'm going to echo what Lainey said...Day 26? And you're functioning, even if only kind of? At Day 26 I still wasn't allowed to be left alone, couldn't even physically speak at normal speed, couldn't eat or sleep. But one thing I learned here is that you do it your own way & at your own speed...all of us experience grief differently. I'm so glad your horses are being well looked after, such a relief for you. My dogs had to stay with friends for about 6 weeks after Mum died...I couldn't manage them, which seems so odd to me just months later. You will find the energy, later, for the visit, but for now just do what you can & celebrate making it through each day. So sorry for your loss & that you have to experience this at all. Warmest wishes Becka
  9. Hey Melina, I'm not sure who these 'everyone here' who manages without medication are! It's now nearly 7 months since my Mum died & I'm still on anti-depressants. In the 3 weeks leading up to her death, & the (at least) 8 weeks after I was heavily medicated with anti-depressants, sleeping pills & valium. The sleeping pills & valium I stepped down as soon as I could because of potential addiction & a basic aversion I have to taking meds, but I couldn't have managed without them, & I did all of it under medical supervision. I take the occasional 1/4 valium now & then, or half a low dose of sleeping stuff hardly ever if I absolutely have to. I'm very fortunate in that I don't drink alcohol - my Dad & others in my family have had problems with alcoholism so I've steered clear, plus the fact that feeling spacey in that way gives me panic attacks. No thanks. But I'm still on the anti-depressants & will be until my Doc thinks otherwise, I came very close to being hospitalised when it was all happening, & I'm just trying not to expect too much of myself & my poor formerly traumatised body & nervous system. Bereavement is so physically stressful anyway, plus the fact of not sleeping properly & 8 weeks of barely being able to eat...I eat too much now & have put on weight, but that will rebalance itself too. Don't give yourself a hard time over this, especially if you tend to depression anyway, I have a pre-existing panic disorder, whcih is partly why my reaction physically was so profound. I was just telling my best friend this morning that I thought I'd drown in sorrow when Mum died, but when the time came I was just demented & out of my right mind. Just don't take chances with your mental health, gently does it! Wishing you all the best, Becka
  10. beakerj

    Chelsea Is Dying

    Dear kayc, sometimes dogs respond to the overdose of anasthetic by having a kind of fit...it's not the same as fighting, they just have these spasms that look very similar. They don't know what's going on. I've seen it once, & my Mum (who was a neurological nurse) explained what it was to me. It may be what was happening. One of my terriers is 10 this year...she's beaten cancer once & I hope she makes old bones because what's left of my heart will surely break when she goes, I've had her since the day she was born. As a very elderly Englishwoman once said to me, 'how we love them'. Becka
  11. Hey Carol Ann, Have only just seen this post...& here Monday is nearly over. Praying that this court appearance goes fantastically well for you. I am in awe of how much good you manage to bring from evil. And I laughed my head off at you dancing with your cat...it's like you've seen me with my dogs. Just wishing you all good things, & thanks for the inspiration you are to me/us all. Big love Becka
  12. beakerj

    Massive Guilt Over Dog Death

    Oh Edwina, I'm heartbroken for you. I know you feel it was your fault, but it was an accident. Even if you had been there all the time you may not have been able to save him - my two dogs did this, but with a leather collar, out in a big field on a walk. Linus had it in a figure of eight stuck over his lower canines & jaw & was panicking, Darcey was choking. I couldn't get my hand under the collar, I had nothing to cut it with, they were constantly moving. I was wailing for God's help, & finally, finally, Linus salivated so much I slid the collar off his teeth. It was a close thing - Darcey had a big weal around her neck. I was there the whole time. Panicking animals are not easy to handle. I took that collar home & chopped it into tiny tiny pieces. Never again, strictly easy release collars now. Poochie was also an older dog & this may have contributed to him dying. They're just not as robust. As for forgiveness - of course our pets forgive us. You had 16 yrs of love with Poochie & he will know you'd never intentionally hurt him. My dogs forgave me after I accidentally forgot that there was cocoa powder in my work bag - they had 8 times the lethal dose between them & the vet saved them, though I didn't know for 12 hours that they would be ok. They still love me, ridiculously so. All that aside, I'm so sorry this happened, I too love my dogs ridiculously, & I'm sorry for your pain. Big hug, Becka
  13. beakerj

    Mother's Day?

    Yeah, it's been my first one too. Here in the UK we celebrate it earlier, sometime in March (I think). I basically ignored it - didn't go to church, didn't look at stuff in shops. Just mostly stayed in bed & read & ate & snuggled my dogs. One first anniversary down, many more to go. I don't know about you guys, my Mum would be not happy about me feeling bad & just wanting me to get out & live life & be happy. Soon, Mum, soon. I hope. Big sympathy & love going out to you all. Becka XXX
  14. Hey. I'm so sorry about your friend, how awful & hideous to have to go through losing her, especially since you lost your parents so young. It's hard to know what to say to you as you've been through it all before, but I think you're really brave for clearing things out- my brothers & husband have cleared out my Mum's house. I've finally managed to sort through my stuff from her attic, but she's been gone for nearly 6 months now. I'm so hot & cold when it comes to seeing/being around her stuff, or things that remind me of her...most of the time I can't stand it, sometimes I crave it. There's so many people here with great advice, & such encouragement from those who have truly crawled their way out of the pits, when they never felt they would. Hang in there. Big hug, Becka
  15. beakerj

    Getting Back To The Real World

    Hey Shelley, you sound like you really need some encouragement. I think you've done brilliantly to come as far as you have in your situation, so brave to face such awful stuff & so strong to just keep on going, even when you feel weak. It's hard to feel that you still have a lot of work to do, but every step gets you further towards your goal, to the kind of place Carol Ann is in. I too struggle hard with anxiety. Someone once said something really wise in my hearing that's stuck with me: don't spend all your time trying to make what's bad better (it makes you think about it more), spend some time making what is good in your life better, in that way you train your brain to remember what's good & to build beautiful things. That really helps me. Just keep on - as I say to the teenagers I work with 'chin up chicken'. Big hugs from the UK, Becka