I didn't write anything here for a while, but I come everyday to this site to read, it makes me feel I'm not alone. And I'm glad some of you are finding joy and happiness again, and i'm sad others are struggling so much.
It's just that I can't talk about my pain... I have been bottling up my feelings from the beginning so now I kind of got used to hiding my sadness. When I cry it's always in my room or when i'm home alone.But I just can't talk in front of people. I would rather make people believe that I'm ok than having to tell them how I feel (it doesn't do me any good actually because I know they don't understand). Everyone thinks I should be fine by now. I have been invited to my friends wedding less than 3 months after my loss. I couldn't go, and it seems like she is mad at me now, she used to call me every now and then. Not anymore !
I also can't look at pictures yet. I asked my brother to make a CD with all our family pictures and videos (holidays, celebrations,...etc.) I have it in a box in my room but can't find the courage to look at them yet. I don't know why I am so scared of looking at them or even looking at dad's clothes, I can't even talk about old memories or hear about them. It's just beyond my abilities for the moment. It doesn't mean that I'm not doing any "better"! I do have normal days more often and I can smile and laugh more often too thanks to my family. But is it just because I'm not ready to face the reality and escaping it most of the time ? I really don't know.
I can't wait for the day I will be able to talk to people about our old happy life and show them pictures and feel this pride I always felt about being my dad's girl !
Thank you all for taking the time to read this.
Wishing you a lot of courage,
Meryem