merangel08

It has been a while since my last post but I was coming to this site on a daily basis...knowing that I'm not the only one going through this helps somehow... I just couldn't write anything as I still find it hard to talk about my dad. I just got back from a weekend with my friends in the mountains. The first day was pretty hard as it was my first "official holidays" since last year. I was not driving and was sitting in the back seat, I tried hard to hold the tears back so my friend don't see me...didn't want to ruin their weekend. I couldn't, it was just too hard. The next days were ok. We went for walks , sat by the pool, it was very relaxing. On friday, I didn't think that I would enjoy the weekend but I did I still feel guilt sometimes when I try to enjoy myself, don't cry a lot but there are so many things I wish I could do by now like looking at pictures and talking about dad...I can't. Tomorrow is the 1 year mark. I was dreading this day but I hope it won't be unbearable. I feel like grief consumed all my energy and I'm only 24. I know that life should go on...somehow... and I'm doing my best to be the strong girl dad was so proud of.

Hi Kayc, I'm really sorry for your loss. And you are right I'm sure people here are very supportive, caring and really good listeners

Hi Niamh, Thank you for your reply. I can relate to many things you said! I have a few really good friends who are ready to listen to me whenever I need to talk, but I'm not sure if they will understand or if they will say the things I want to hear! And every time I feel like I want to vent or talk, the words just won't come out ! I just hope that whenever I'm ready to talk and no matter how long it takes, I will find a non-judging patient ear ! And for the memories, they are still painful to evoke but at least we know they won't go anywhere, they will always be there waiting for us to be ready. Take care Niamh, Meryem

Thank you very much for your reply and for sharing these words. It really says it all. I do have one very supportive and caring friend. She is there for me whenever I need her. She has been a great help

I didn't write anything here for a while, but I come everyday to this site to read, it makes me feel I'm not alone. And I'm glad some of you are finding joy and happiness again, and i'm sad others are struggling so much. It's just that I can't talk about my pain... I have been bottling up my feelings from the beginning so now I kind of got used to hiding my sadness. When I cry it's always in my room or when i'm home alone.But I just can't talk in front of people. I would rather make people believe that I'm ok than having to tell them how I feel (it doesn't do me any good actually because I know they don't understand). Everyone thinks I should be fine by now. I have been invited to my friends wedding less than 3 months after my loss. I couldn't go, and it seems like she is mad at me now, she used to call me every now and then. Not anymore ! I also can't look at pictures yet. I asked my brother to make a CD with all our family pictures and videos (holidays, celebrations,...etc.) I have it in a box in my room but can't find the courage to look at them yet. I don't know why I am so scared of looking at them or even looking at dad's clothes, I can't even talk about old memories or hear about them. It's just beyond my abilities for the moment. It doesn't mean that I'm not doing any "better"! I do have normal days more often and I can smile and laugh more often too thanks to my family. But is it just because I'm not ready to face the reality and escaping it most of the time ? I really don't know. I can't wait for the day I will be able to talk to people about our old happy life and show them pictures and feel this pride I always felt about being my dad's girl ! Thank you all for taking the time to read this. Wishing you a lot of courage, Meryem

Thank you very much for your responses. I was visiting this forum and reading posts very often the last couple of weeks but I couldn't really write about how I was feeling, it is still too hard for me... I never talk about what happened, when somebody asks me how are my parents doing I just say they are fine, because it's easier than having to tell people about dad not being here anymore. I've had some really bad days. I still feel numbness sometimes and for me it's even harder to handle than sadness and sorrow. Crying helps a lot when I feel this heaviness in my heart. I'm 24 and I graduated recently but I have no plans for my future. One year ago, I was "the life of the party" wherever I go. Now I'm just a mess. Like a ghost of myself. Just staying at home watching TV all day long. Don't know what I want to do with my life. Although my family is being very supportive, I just feel lost... my thoughts are scattered and cloudy. I wish I could cry whenever I want to but tears won't come and I'm left with so many weird feelings. Why do I have to go through all these emotions and feelings that I can't recognize ???? All I know is that coming here and reading your posts has become a part of my everyday. P.S: I'm sorry if my english is not 100% or my thoughts are incoherent, I hope you understand the way I describe my feelings.

Hi everyone, Let me start by saying that I've found in this forum a lot of situations like mine which makes me feel sort of better but it also makes me feel like I'm not grieving like a normal daughter would. I lost my daddy about 8 weeks ago. I still can't think talk or hear about him and about what happened. Can't get in his room, can't look at his clothes or his pictures. I'm just denying the fact that he is not here. But I also rarely cry and when it happens to me it's just so intense that I feel like I want to shout and evacuate all this pain. However, most of the time I feel like nothing happened and I just live like I would if he was here (working laughing, joking, etc) and I feel guilty about it I feel like I don't care or like I don't deserve to be his daughter. I wish I could cry and cry and cry untill the whole world knows how much I love him and miss him. Is it normal to feel this way? I'm sorry if my message is confusing but it completly reflects what's going on in my thoughts ! Meryem