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Teddy and Toby's mom

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Everything posted by Teddy and Toby's mom

  1. I see that you like scrapbooking. I do also, and I love to make greeting cards. I can't sit down and find the inspiration somehow. But maybe you can. Maybe you can use your scrapbooking as a way of pouring out your feelings. Honor your loved ones by making pages about them. This world needs people like you that have creative genius. We all need you and know this - you are in a safe place here. Thanks goodness I found this site. I'm not here often, but when I am, I go on and on and on........ get those scrapbooking punches and glue strips and embellishments and let it all out. We all care.
  2. I am so sorry about your sister. That is a big fear I have, losing my favorite sister. Your heart must be so sad. My favorite sis is 8 years older than me (we are in our 60's) and I worry constantly about the possibility of losing her. I lost my partner on Aug 30. Ten days later, my brother in law was killed, he was the husband to my favorite sister. That same day I had to send my beloved Teddybear of 15 years to be with God in heaven. He was my most faithful companion in the entire world. Then, his twin poodle brother was grieving himself to death and two months and one day later, both of my loved pets were gone. I cry constantly. I don’t know who I am crying about, I just cry. Sometimes I think God wants our loved ones to have a pet in heaven and that is why a pet is called home near the death of a family member. My partner and my brother-in-law were both Marines. I said it would take two 7 pound, feisty little poodles to keep them company while they guard the gates of heaven. Her cat is there and both my dogs. And I can’t wait to join them, I don’t care what anyone says. Please, find a pet loss support group. I thought everyone would roll their eyes at me for whining about so much loss, after all this was supposed to be a pet loss group. But then, everyone started opening up and telling about losing a pet near the same time as a member of the family. After my first time, I went home and picked out my favorite scrapbook pages for each dog and framed it. Now I can look at them and it makes me smile to remember when I took the pics. Oh, I miss them so much! I am looking forward to going to the next support group meeting.
  3. I had always wished that I would receive a communication from my mother. She died in 1997 and other than once thinking I heard my name called out, there never has been any. Mom had 10 kids and used to say if she called one, she had to call all 10 ! I gave up on hearing from her, learning to live with my memories. Then the love of my life died on August 30 2010. I know what it feels like to have my heart ripped out and my entire world drop out from under me. BUT - I do think maybe I am receiving something from my sweetie. She smoked, and sadly, stupidly so did I. (Until 17 days ago, I have quit). But I would smell cigarette smoke in the house and it was strictly forbidden to smoke in the house. I have moved her chair to another room, cleaned and cleaned until this house is nearly sterile. but I do get these quick puffs of smoke as I walk past where she chair was. Sometimes I smell it on the patio where she loved to sit and read the paper. So I guess it could be possible there is communication from our loved ones. But if they are supposed to be filled with the joy and full of praising God in heaven, why would they bother with us, they are supposed to love God only now? Maybe that is why mom never calls - she is busy with God?! Am I sounding stupid here or what? I am going thru a rough day so pardon me, but I thought I would add these thoughts.
  4. It hurt so bad when I read your poem. I just sobbed and sobbed, it was as though you had taken the words right from my heart. I couldn't take it anymore, I had to move her chair to another room. I did that several weeks ago and now can't even walk into that room. She was the was that brought me coffee in bed, took care of me when I was sick, did EVERYTHING for me, spoiled me so bad that I didn't know there was another way of life other than what Sheryl gave to me. Four and half months and I am still falling apart. When will I ever feel any relief? I am so sorry for your loss. That is a beautiful poem, thank you for sharing. If it is OK I am going to print it and save it.
  5. I had to see my cardiologist after the love of my lie died. He told me about a large percent of his patients (and other doctors as well) see the partner have a heart attack or stroke within 3-6 months. The gieif is so intense we don't take care of ourselves. I speak from personal experience. Didn't take my heart or choloeteral meds or anything else. Ate junk if I ate at all. Went bonkers trying to make sure the house was in perfect order and tried to get all the paperwork in order "in case I died". The doctor said SLOW UP. Get out meet people joing groups volunteer. Nothing I am interested in, but I am going to give it a try. Yes, I think we can die from grief. I have seen it many times also. SO take care of yourself. If possible take sometime off and go visit a friend or family in another state. And post. Pour it out. I am finding I can say things here I can't tell my closest sister. I was closer to Sheryl than to any other person ever in my life. Now I don't have her to talk to. So now, when I am driving, instead of fighting tears so I can see to drive, I pretend she is in the other seat and I talk to her. I used to pretend Jesus was in the other seat and talk to him. That works also. And journaling. I am trying that. SOmetimes I get so mad I am underlining, yelling on paper, scribbling as fast as I can with no puncuation. Let it all hang out. Best of luck, We are all in the same boat here and you are safe in pouring out your heart.
  6. I'm glad you went to the memorial service. It sounds like it did help you some. I wish there were services like that here. I went to a service at the VA for all the vets that had passed away at the hospital that quarter. It was so generic that I left feeling as empty as when I went. Hey, it's OK to yell at God. He can take it. God knows we are sad, angry, mixed up and oh so darn tired. I hate it but I haven't been going to church. I just can't take it right now. All the cheery people talking about Christmas. I am turning into a hermit more by the day. Tell us again how long it has been? cause my eyes are so tired from crying that I can barely type much less read.. Working out in the public just makes it worse. Geez, you have to bear the brunt of all those dumb people that say dumb things. Sorry about that, but sometimes they just don't think. I wish instead of saying stupid things they would just smile at me, or take my hand and give it a squeeze. Have you talked to your doctor about something to take the edge off your nerves? I did yesterday. I'm not crazy about it, but he gave me Xanax, the weakest you can get. But I did sleep last night and for the first time since she died I dreamt of Sheryl. I wish I could remember the dream, but it just makes me happy knowing that I can see her in my dreams once in a while. And my little dog Teddy , I swear I heard him bark last night. I know he is gone, and I think I was awake, but I know I heard his bark. I muiss my two little dogs so much. Sheryl always said they would give me comfort if anything happened to her. But now I have lost them too. This is such a cold empty house. People can say the stupidist things ever. I think I should start a page on "what is the stupidist thing anyone has said to you?" Can you believe her mom told me "well, you both wore the same size so now you have an entire new wardrobe" I wanted to grab her by the throat but I was so exhausted I could barely get out of the chair. It's no consulation, but now when someone looses the love of their life, you can give them more support and love than anyone else they know. People are so afraid of the topic of death. They think that if they talk about it with you, then they have to face their own mortality. We all have to face that sooner or later. and going thru this, it has impressed on me just how fragile life is. I called Hospice yesterday to try to find some support groups. You would think in a city of 3 million people there would be more than 2! My doctor said he will try to find some for me. That is what you need, a real life person to touch you. I think we go thru touch depravation after the loss of our loved one. I miss her touch, cuddling, just holding hands. But here we can vent, and I am learning a lot from the rest of you. So please continue to post. Let us know your thoughts. From what I have read it doesn't get much better, we just learn to handle it better. I come from a family that thinks if you even so much as tear up then you are weak, dumb, and very un-adult. The tears just roll off my cheeks so I guess it might be a good thing they are 2000 miles away from me. Cry cry cry, let it all out. Sometimes I sob so deeply I can't breathe, but at least I am gtrieving Sheryl and not stuffing my feelings. Gotta go, I have to go figure out how to get rid of weeds. The weather is unseasonably warm and the weeds are everywhere.
  7. Oh you poor dear. I can understand your grief. I think we all can. But be joyous in the fact that you can still communicate with your therapist. If your relationship was that close, then you will stay close in private life. I think of a million things I wanted to say to Sheryl. I see things everyday that remind me of her, but she is not here to talk to. Is she leaving the area, where you won't be able to see her at all? Please stay in close contact with her. I'm sure she is grieving her loss of the relationship with you also. I'm new here but I find that I can say anything and am not judged. Pour your heart out, that's what we are all here for.
  8. I am so sorry for the losses you have experienced. I can't imagine where or how to begin after a loved one commits suicide. That has to be just awful. Yes, thank you for the courage to post here. You are indeed a brave person. I went to the doctor this morning. I am having panic attacks. He said I am the 10th person in 3 days to come in with that complaint. Tis the season! I can't bring myself to put up decorations. That has always been a topic of stress in our household for the past 10 years. Her mom lived with us and starting about Halloween we heard daily Bah Humbug I hate Christmas. Her husband was killed in an auto accident on Dec 1. That was about 25-30 years ago and she still goes into a major depression. She is clinically depressed and refuses any treatment, just take it out on us. So anyhow........ no matter what I did as far as decorating she had to make snide remarks. One year I slammed the lid back on the box, took it back in the attic and didn't do one darn thing for Christmas. So the household has never had a really joyous Christmas. She would come out to exchange gifts, be all smiley then back to her bedroom. And that was fine by me. Sheryl and I had a tradition that started by accident. Our first Christmas together we both hid a small present under the others pillow. From then on we exchanged one small present in the privacy of our bedroom around midnight. It got to be funny, each one trying to act like there wasn't a present there and go to sleep. Some years she gave me the Svwaroski snowflake, other years I got the snowflake in our exchange. I have 10 snowflakes, one for each year. Then I walked into Costco and there was a big display of this years snowflake. I nearly dropped to my knees. I picked up the package, shaking so hard I was afraid I would drop it. I don't know how long I stood there, but I finally decided to put it in the cart. I am going to wrap the package real pretty and put it under her pillow. Then at midnight I will open it up, with our traditional mug of hot cocoa on the nightstand. This will be snowflake number 11. I just want to keep one tradition that I had with Sheryl. I hope to continue this thru the years. To keep her memory with me. This is too long I know, but there is no one to keep her memory alive except me and I don't want her to become a forgotten soul.
  9. Hi Chrissie! I can hear the heartbreak in your voice. I lost Sheryl 3 months ago. By reading your posts I see that I am not really losing my mind, it just feels that way. I am going to the doctor tomorrow. I need help and can't do this alone. Have you gone to the doctor? I read that drugs are not the way to go, it just delays the grief. But I think I need something to help me over the hump. I know it is a long road ahead and I thank you for your honesty and openness about your grief. I'm so glad I found this place and thanks to you and all the other posts that are helping.
  10. Your story is so sad, I just cried my heart out. I had to put down my Teddy. For 15 years he followed every step I took. Slept on my shoulder. He was never more than 5 feet away from me. The day my brother-in-law was killed I knew I had to make a trip to Ohio. My partner died just 7 days before. Teddybear was so sick and weak, he had a bad heart.I knew I had to do this before I left, I could not leave this to a friend to deal with while I was gone. So basically, I had 3 deaths to deals with. Then his brother, Toby grieved so deeply that in 2 months I had to send him home to God. I'm so sorry for you. I know how your heart is breaking. Let us know how you are doing. There are 2 cats here, but I never really bonded with them. I am trying now to know them better.They seem to know I am sad, but they will not let anyone hold them. So I have no one to hold and cry except an electric heating pad and a pillow. When I break down, which is often I don't know who I am grieving for, Sheryl, David, Teddy or Toby. It's been 3 months since the first death and I fall apart daily. I need help and I know it! I have asked myself over and over if I did the right thing with Teddy and Toby. And the same as you, I guess the answer is yes.Your bond with Bill is something special and no one can ever take that away from you. And when I had to put the second dog, Toby, down I asked myself again. Is he sick enough. And I guess when you have to say "sick enough" then it is time. although It took me 3 weeks of cancell appointments, crying jags, holding Toby for hours to finally make the decision. And he did the same thing. He showed off in the waiting room by howling at all the other dogs. But he was nearly blind, deaf and very unsteady on his feet amoung other things. He fell in the pool frequently. And with the cold weather here, it would have been cruel to risk his falling in again. It hurts, Oh God it hurts so much. Thank you for sharing your story. May we all meet again on the Rainbow Bridge.
  11. My sister's husband was killed 7 days after Sheryl died. Two Saturday's in a row we had funerals.Sis has told me it looked like I was in a trance while I was there. I remember every sight, smell and sound of Sheryl's funeral, but am a total blank for my brother-in-law. I know I flew home but everything while I was there is gone. The same day Dave was killed, I put Teddy my 15 year old poodle down. His brother, Toby was so traumatized by everything going on that he went downhill rapidly and now he is gone. No family here but I talk to my sister frequently. She is OK, she seems to be dealing well while I am a total mess. How can I get so mad that it makes the pain go away?
  12. I don't know where to begin. I am so lost. After 11 years together I lost my partner on August30. Just a week later my brother-in-law was killed in a motorcycle accident. That same day I had to put down my 15 year old dog and 2 months later the other dog. It hurts so bad, does it ever stop? I feel so alone.
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