pjm

Hi Kayc, Yes we are similar in our timelines. I'm sure some of my closest friends would do the same as far as locking me up! The images are the problem, the first 5 years after her death they did not stop. I spoke to a grief group, and a pastor friend they said " you need to see your primary". I did and immediately she placed me on (Effexor XR much to my dismay), I argued the fact that the medication does not take the event away! It's the typical oh "we will give you a drug to help, one of the PA's I saw in the office said you didn't loose anyone because you do not own them".. I was taken back and surprised at this statement coming from a "Health Professional". I said "Excuse me what did you say"? She repeated the statement I responded to her ; "No your right you do not OWN anyone but miss the physical presence". Wait until you yourself have someone pass in your life and you'll see. My observation she was young and said no one from her family had passed away....... I left this practice never to see her again! I thought the statement was both rude and insensitive. I myself have been in Health care many years worked in Hospice and would never dream of saying such a thing! Funny on my medical history I noticed it now states thanks to the (new coding of ICD-10) I have been labeled as having an "Adjustment disorder". Very sad about this and feel this is an inappropriate diagnosis .... Long story short I was on this medication for 5 years and feel like absolutely nothing changed. I find meditation, thinking positive and keeping very busy as the date and time draws near every year has helped. I will read the article you mentioned too. Thank you.... Just recently I slowly weaned myself off this medication and now feel better. I decided to look at life as a book within the chapters is my life in the pages, time to move to the next chapter, turn the page but never forget the previous. Quote from a journalist I truly admire for her struggle with Breast cancer "Linda Ellerbee" And so it goes" Thank you for your kind words and it helps to know we are never alone in our struggle to continue life and reading the chapter's of a fine book.

Hello everyone, I certainly feel for everyone in this group for what it is we have to endure in this life. my partner died of 23 years died in 2010 (yes 7 years ago) ever since that year as the time and date approaches I re-live the images, struggling to breathe the soul and life last breathes she was having were coming to end. I was holding her hand and telling her she needed to go people were waiting for her I would miss her dearly every day and I do. This is not a nightmare but a video that replays every year in my mind, I actually thought I could handle this better, face the death and loss easier. I have worked many years in health care to include Hospice but in the end it doesn't make one bit of difference. I imagine it must be linked to our emotional attachment versus our brains attachment. I once heard in a grief group " your heart stays attached, the brain knows death is the end our heart doesn't want to move on" does anyone have this same issue? Fast forward to 2015; After 11 months of a very hard fight my 90 yr old mother died and I was there with her every step of the way, always promised her I would be - until the last breathe holding her hand .... my true friend! my mom was leaving I miss them so much! I still struggle with loosing both of them!! See my mom smell her perfume I know she's here.. If anyone else struggles with this please reply... I wish peace in our hearts knowing we will see them again.....

Today I finally have realized I'm not over my partners death and I don't think I will be for a very very long time. Sue has been dead for a year now and I have not written in a long time. Sue & I were together for 23 yrs one month after I was laid off she was diagnosed with cancer. I took care of her house the animals the bills not me though around the clock until I couldn't anymore. The last three days I had to put her in Hospice I couldn't go any further and then she passed away. I have lost my dog , my house, moved in with my mother, still looking for a job. I think I got one now all I have to do is hold onto it. I had one a month ago I couldn't concentrate and was forced to leave. My mother has been ever so kind but hates the lifestyle and has let me know everything I ever did wrong in my life to her. Everything is getting to me I do not like feeling this way depressed all the time I feel like I am bipolar for gods sake. I just burst into tears and fly into a rage for no reason. Please help!!!

Hi Suzanne, I feel your pain so much so that I haven't been able to post anything for a while. No one can know the heartache that we go through. My pain is so much like yours right now. I too do not want to leave the comfiness of our house, I just don't know how long I can afford this place on my own will have to look for a roommate. I too spent most of christmas eve crying for my partner didn't want to see anyone, no christmas would have been better. I don't like being around anyone except our animals who comfort me. Im sick of hearing it will get better or you new she was going to die that gave you time to prepare or hang in there youve got pictures I hate all the comments. I want them to go away and leave me in my grief. I don't want to live I don't want to die I want to be with my partner not without. I should have died first I have MS i always thought I would but thoughts did not turn out that way. Just want to tell you I feel exactly the way you do only you were able to put it into words and I applaud you for that it made me feel better. Keep coming back.

I can tell you your parents are there and very happy!! There is so much more I cannot express in words of what I felt. I could write an entire chapter as I was also dead @ the scene and had 2 other episodes of leaving our earth while I was in the hospital. Please be happy to know they are waiting for us there.I hope this can bring you some comfort. Pam

2sweetgirls, I had to respond to you. I signed up only yesterday trying to deal with loss of my partner. I was in a motorcycle accident when I was 20 now Im 54. I went to the other side when I was in ICU @ the time no one was talking about bright lights and such so I didnt say much of what I experienced to anyone as when I did I was informed the medical reason of why I saw what I did. As I said i was in ICU then Im told I took a turn for the worse. I had 44 fractures & countless other injuries to. I remember lying in the bed lots of activity around me nurses, doctors etc.. working on me then all of a sudden I was watching myself from a far away place which now I know was from what I will say the wall directly in front of my bed. I looked @ this place I was in to find a gorgeous pond with trees a blue sky the sun shining and took a deep breathe to smell the freshest air ever!! I didnt see any relatives, no angels or any other spiritual beings. I only felt a presence in my soul. The presence talked to me and said I couldnt stay in this place that I had to return. Of course I argued with the voice that I did not know & said that I wanted to stay it was beautiful I didnt have any pain and that person down there in the bed (me) was in a mess. I was told that I had to finish many things complete many important tasks before I was allowed to stay. The other side I was in was the most incredible awesome beautiful place I have ever been!! There aren't any words to really describe it!!!! Please know that your loved one is happy there it is truly a gorgeous place we all will go to someday! pam

Oh my goodness you lost your partner to suicide. I thought losing my love to cancer was the worst. I'm not saying that mine isn't painful just that when you think you are the only one suffering then you hear of someone who suffered in a different way it helps to understand that there are others who were in the place Im in now. I want to thank you for your reply. It has helped me to feel a bit better because you made me think about things differently. I guess I was searching for someone to validate this pain as friends and family seem to think that since we had 10mos together that we had time to say everything we wanted to say to each other. It was not the case at all. There still wasn't time. I never thought pain could block my hope to get better but now I understand it is possible & hadn't thought about that at all. Yes I was searching for someone to understand like I said everyone I know thinks I should be moving on because we had time. Thank you for your encouragement and insight to someone who feels confused and lost right now! It will help me weather this storm. I will keep coming back because of people like you. If you celebrate this time of year please have happy holidays and thank you again for your blessings, Pam

you know what the same thought about them being cold has come into my mind. I lost my sister in the early nineties and I grew up in VT that is where she and my dad i buried. Every time it gets cold there I think about them its not crazy it called emotional and we care even though we know. I lost my partner of 22yrs here in AZ just a few months ago and worry all the time if she is OK, happy, free of pain, glad she is with ther out the creep dad and so it goes on & on. So sorry about the guy who never responded to you when you said your dad was close to death. His time will come and he may not have any one respond to him. I hope not no one should be alone at that hour of leaving this world.

I'm so sorry about your husband. it is difficult to understand why someone who never smoked can get lung cancer. They say we are all born with the cancer gene in our DNA they do not know what activates it in some and not in others. i still am unemployed but am looking to start working after the first of the yr. Thought i should take the time to heal both mentally and physically as I have Multiple Sclerosis too. I can't bear to go back to caring for extremely sick pts yet so will work in a home setting assisting with errands, meals, shopping, taking people to appts its all I can bear for now. Thank you for your kind words and I too have the disbelief that she isn't coming back. Sometimes it is a deep dark despair to have what we had. I do not think time heals all wounds it pushes it further away. Time does not heal it is just time.

I lost my partner 07-07-10 we were together for 22yrs. Before I lost her I also got laid off 3 months prior to her finding out she had stage 4 lung cancer. Since i work in healthcare I was the caregiver for her 24-7. I did everything slept only a short time every night because she was so ill. Then after 9mos of caregiving I had to make a tough decision to put her in Hospice I did and a few days later she went to the other side and i was with her for her last breathe. Thought I was doing ok because I have had so many loses over the yrs thought I could & would deal with this to.Not true everyday is getting worse especially during these holidays. More often than not I don't want to get out of bed. I feel confused, lost, lonely,physically sick, overwhelmed, can't focus, can't complete tasks and very empty inside without my love.Seems everyday is getting harder. Started on a medicine to help but got very ill he same ad to stop it.Went to a bereavement class and felt worse so stopped that to. Not sure what or why Im writing this I have a journal that I write in almost daily that helps. Wondered if anyone else out there feels the same or as bad as I do. Lost my sister dad all aunts and uncles friends too. just have one brother and an 86yr old mom who has lost her daughter & 4 husbands all her brother & sisters as well. The holidays are making it worse too wish they were over. Does anyone feel like me?

Im knew 2 this but not new @ loss. I too have lost my sister all my aunts and uncles lots of friends. Just recently loss my mothers best friend too. I lost my partner of 22yrs in July and Im having a hard time we did everything together now there is a large void for me to deal with. Lost my dad on the day I graduated form high school I was 16 and am now 54 and it still bothers me. I don't like going out of the house much anymore because like you everyone is happy about the holidays and I can't wait till they are over with. Im not happy about them can't get myself to even send christmas cards out. Have them on table waiting for me. Im having a hard time with god don't blame him but am losing faith not sure to trust. My mother has lost her daughter and 4 husbands all brothers & sisters 9 totalcountless friends and just moves right along. Its amazing to me! I can't even find joy for a moment. Just thought you should know you are not alone in how you feel. We will get better! Thank goodness for my furry friends 2 cats and a dog they are my support because friends disappear after a time not because they dont care they do not know what to say and get BZ. Hope you get better.

You know sounds like you are going through such an emotional spiral with the loss of your counselor. Im new to this forum to. I think staying in contact with her is the best option for helping you. I too have health issues and lost my partner of 22yrs in july and Im not doing so well through the holiday season but I want you to know I will send positive energy and prayers your way to get both of us through this time.

Hbgirl, I think I know how you feel. I lost my partner of 22yrs in july I'm sure she would want me to decorate and not feel lousy, confused, disoriented and just not right but not sure I can decorate. It makes me sadder @ the thought of the holidays. This is my first christmas without my partner. I have very little family left they all have died an 86yr old mother who has had 4 husbands that have also died. My sister died in 1991. I can't sleep well feel disoriented confused overwhelmed and sick like you. Really can't say what kind of sick just numb. I hope going to your family will help you and I'm sure the grandkids will. It's what christmas is all about the children. Good luck and feel better too. I can't wait till the holidays are over too.