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martina

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Everything posted by martina

  1. Well, its been 23 days now since David passed on. As you know from my past posts its taken a toll on me,emotionally,mentally,physically, as im sure when your loves passed on, it did the same. The tears still fall, but its not as often as it was at the beginning.Im not drowning in them, and I feel im more able to swim to the surface now. I think Ive finally excepted that he's really,really gone. I fought agaisnt that in my mind, but my heart already knew it to be true. Its just been completely the most emotional and life altering experience of my life. Im not the same person as I was,and probaly never will be. I found now, that my sense of "being" is so finely tuned and extremely fragile. I know that a greater power resides in me that has helped me through all this,even though at times, im not aware its there. It is the force thats within, that clings to me and keeps me going, even when my feet feel like stone, and my eyes are blind with tears,it is the power that keeps me from total dispair. Without that power, I wouldnt have made it this far,and I know I have many more steps to go,but as long as its there,im going to be ok.
  2. David would say so many off the wall things. But his ammonia level was so high, and his fluids were building up all through out his body. The Dr said it was normal in his condition to act like that. When David first got to the hospital which was nov 22, the first 2 weeks seemed positive, they even talked about when he was to go home. We got our hopes up. I even have a video of David talking to the nurse and he was asking when he could go home, and the nurse was saying "when you get done with all your medication then you can go home, but you have to stop wandering around, do you understand?" And David just looked at her for a few seconds and said "Not really". I treasure that video, but its so sad because he wanted to come back home so bad. Toward the end, when they said he was terminal,was just a shock to us all. It went from he's coming home, to he's dying. Some of the nurses,mainly the ones on the night shift were very rude. When he was a few days from death,sleeping in a very unconscious state, one of the nurses started shaking him hard, and I was like, what do you think you're doing? And she said, I need to check to see if he's responsive to get his vitals. And oh boy, it was on, I sent her out of the room and told her supervisor. And yes,I also was angry,angry and sad and all those emotions just coming to the surface. How dare her try to shake him! I wanted to scream, "get your paws off my man,he's dying, let him die in peace". In thinking back, Im sure they have seen people dying so many times it doesn't phase them anymore and they do become cold to it. But thats no excuse to be rude.
  3. I recall as well, David trying to get up and wander about the halls. I was called from work one time because he had ripped his IV out and didnt know where he was or what was going on. I haven't gone to get Davids medical records yet, but plan on it soon. I tried to stay at the hospital as much as possible with him. I have a part time job so it was a bit easier to do, but still, the times I wasnt there, I worried so much about him. He was seeing things, and imagining old friends from school being in his room. A few times he saw black snakes, but it was the cord from the TV hanging down some. I wonder why the nurses didnt tell you those things that Glenn did? Do you think they were trying to not worry you or something? Did you find out why they never mentioned any of that? The tormenting thoughts run so severely through my mind too. Part of me wants to replay them, the other part keeps saying, get a grip, you've got to stop this. I will always wonder if at the end, did he think about that bracelet they put on his hand about not resuscitating. It was so difficult for him to bring his self to wear it. It was just horrible to watch him cry when they put it on him. Ok, Ive got to stop, I feel the tears building up. I do hold on to the thought of me holding his hand, I feel like he knew I was there and doing that. I pray he knew. Im very thankful that I was able to do that for him. And thank you for being so supportive. This is a great group, and I feel very safe here. Take care.
  4. Thank you very much for your kind understanding. Sometimes I think Im losing myself in all these thoughts and emotions. I find Im forgetting more things now,(I forgot things before but its more prevalent now) and I fall asleep at odd hours,wake up at odd hours. Im finally starting to eat, but at first, I couldn't eat anything at all. Then, when I started to nibble,Id feel guilty,because I was eating and he wasnt! Just didnt seem right to me,you know what I mean? I still find myself hurrying home to take care of him after work, then I'll catch myself and sigh.. No, nobody to hurry home to now. I definitely understand about the charade,putting on a smile, or having chit chat, when you really dont wont to. Yep, Ive heard that comment, "OH, you look like you're doing so well" I want to say, "well, Im not, but Im pretending to be,actually I feel like crap and I i miss my fiancé' very,very much". Anyway, thank you so much again, and I will post again soon. Please take care.
  5. Ive hesitated to come back and type this. Its so morbid. But im going to see if any of yall ever did this. I keep replaying over and over his dying. The last few moments, his eyes opening up, then closing again, his last breath. I try to block it out,but can't.. and when I see it in my mind I get this sick feeling in my stomach. I wonder what it was like for him, was he scared, what was he thinking, what was he seeing. Did he know I was holding his hand? All these things just run thru my mind... Am I losing my mind or what? Did any of you ever go thru this kind of torture? And yes, Ive got his shoes right here by my bed. And a lot of his shirts. I even sleep wrapped up in one of his shirts when I go to sleep at night. Ive finally been able to sleep with the light off though. I hope im not upsetting anyone by asking these questions, I dont wont to stir up anyones heartaches.
  6. The heartache and that lost feeling is so strong. Its like a part of me is missing and I keep trying to connect it back,you know? but cant grasp it.Its like chasing a kite string in a strong wind, you feel like you almost have it, but then it blows away just out of reach. Thats how it feels to me. Does that make sense? His mom and brother cleaned out a lot of his things today and some last night. It was just terrible to see them pack his stuff up.So finale. I wanted to say, "wait, he still needs all that"! They were very nice though and told me whatever I wanted to keep tell them, and I could have it. I wanted his shirts,his shoes,his gloves,his coats!! Anything that he had wrapped his body in I wanted. I have in my drawer,a can of his dip, Grizzly long cut straight, and I like to take it out and smell it. Its like roses to my nose. Did any of you have problems with letting go of those things that you know your loved one wore or just things you couldnt bear to let go? I wear Davids watch, and it beeps at a quarter to every hour, and I find myself saying.. Hi Honeybunny ( that was my nickname for him) I do find I sleep, then wake up often. Look out the window a lot too. Pace, cry, and just have that, I know i must be losing my mind here, but I CANT help it. Nobody seems to want to talk about it with me either. His mom and brother will, but its like they'ed rather not. I know it hurts so bad they just cant go there. And of course the will thing is keeping them busy. I leave the room, because I cant stand to hear about it.
  7. Thank you for making me feel so welcome here. I wasnt sure how this forum was going to go, I just knew I had to find a warm loving place, and this is it. Davids brother had been up to see him everyday,and even stayed over at the hospital many nights as well. But on the 22, in the morning,Davids mom called and wanted his brother,Gary, to come home for a cpl of hours to help straighten up the house. See, we all thought David would come home to pass. Hospice had been talking to us and they were going to be coming to the house routinely to check on him and do whatever needed to be done. Anyway, his mom is a bit of a clutter junkie, and she wanted the place to look a bit neater when Hospice came over.So Gary said, I'll go help her and be back as soon as I can. I was like ok, hurry, bye. So I was there with David, holding his hand,praying for a miracle,praying and just feeling so emotionally over whelmed. Well, at exactly 12 o'clock he passed on. Davids brother didnt get back in time, and its taken a toll on him also. He was so angry that he had left,felt bad that I was there alone dealing with him passing,felt like he should've been there and wasnt. But you know what I think, I think David wanted his brother not to see him go. Its just a feeling that I have. Im not sure how well Gary wouldve handled that. Gary had been doing everything under the sun to try to save David from passing. from buying vitamens and health foods to researching on the internet information that might help save his life. So I think it all worked out for the best. I KNOW you wanted to be there for your husband, but maybe he thought you should remember him as alive, and not having to watch him die. Im sure its been such a heartache for you and I understand so completely your feelings.
  8. David was 39 yrs old, and we met while working at the local animal shelter. It was love at first sight. He could make me laugh just by looking at me, he had a crazy sense of humor! He loved animals and nature so much. He taught me all about the stars and constellations, and on really cold nights we would sit outside for hours just looking up at them. And storms, he knew how far off one was, and what kind of lightning was streaking across the sky. Sometimes we would hear the coyotes yelping in the distance, and he would say, that ones lonely and calling for a mate, then he would look at me and say, I'm glad I don't have to yelp for mine,she's right here. He got severely sick and went to the hospital on Nov 22 and Died Dec 22.Renal failure. He was a diabetic and had other health issues also. I held his hand so tight while he was passing on, I was so scared and so heartbroken,I never left his side. On the last day, he opened his eyes so wide, took one last gasp, closed his eyes and that was it. My love was gone,forever. Life is so delicate. This is hard to type, but like you said, it somehow calms me. I dont know why, but it does. Thank you. I will type more as the days go by.
  9. Thank you, it is so heartbreaking. We had so much to look forward to, so many dreams. Now he's gone and everyday is so hard to get thru. How do you manage? 3 months, has the pain eased up any at all? Im so sorry you had to go thru this as well. Im so devastated,angry,sad,all rolled up into one. Its such a mixed bag of emotions and so difficult to cope with. Im wondering if I should see a counseler.Have you? I just feel like my world has been turned upside down. Everytime I think im done with the tears, more tears come along. Im going to need a boat soon.
  10. Did you lose him to alcoholism? I lost my fience' to that. Its such a horrible desease, it took him at 39.
  11. I lost my fience' on the 22 of Dec. We both arent religious people at all. We had to rent a preacher for his service due to the fact we never attended a church. Anyway,I do beleive in God and a afterlife to a point. Ive even found myself angry at God for letting this happen. I know thats so wrong. But its how Ive been feeling as of late. You have mentioned signs, well Ive had some signs. I was about to wake up a few mornings ago, and before I did, I saw him come to me, and he gently bent over and kissed me on the cheek, then just faded away. I woke up, looked around and wanted to go back to sleep in hopes of seeing him again. But no such luck. Then, another sign came along.. It had been snowing and it was very deep, as I looked out our window, I saw in the snow two impressions of hearts linked, right there in the snow. I was shocked, and ran outside to get a better look... it actually was my tire tracks where I had backed up and turned around. But it was really wild to see them look like hearts. A sign, maybe, id like to think so. I think "signs" are all how we see them. I dont know about any religious signs though. But my point is, we arent religious, never have gone to church, and to me, what Ive seen are signs from him. If they arent, well thats ok too, but in my heart, they are, and thats what counts right? Im so sorry for your loss, I know it hurts so bad, im right there with you. Somehow, we will get thru this pain.
  12. Well its been 14 days now. Can I say its gotten any easier? Um not really,but its different. I get angry, angry at God, at myself, at my fience'and just at the world. Then I will cry buckets of tears for short intervals. The nights are the worst, the loneliness and heartache are still there. I have pictures of him on the wall and talk to them (him)all the time. I feel like im losing my mind with sadness and depression. Is all this normal? People have been extra nice, they invite me over to hang out, but it just feels so wrong to me, wrong to be there trying to act ok, when im not ok. I dont know what to do, Im so lost still. I feel abandoned and so empty without him around. I just wonder are these feelings to wierd or am I normal to have these kinds of feelings? We were supose to be married this month,I was so excited, and now,its just so hard to get thru each day.
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