DrowningMan

Wow. Reading through what you have gone through I am really just in awe of your wisdom in dealing with so much. I wish very much that some of my friends who have lost spouses could understand that the ones they loved (and will ALWAYS love!) would want them to be happy, to *live life* and share it with someone who will delight in it with them. Finding joy today does not lessen the joys of yesterday! I absolutely understand your hurt at feeling judged by family who weren't there when they were needed, and now feel the need to exert unwanted influence on your life when it is not needed or desired! I am outraged on your behalf, and applaud your decision to focus more on your own happiness and healing -- it's time and you deserve it! The fact that your daughters could come to you when they were unfairly put in a tough situation while just trying to do something nice for their Mom -- it sounds like you have a good, trusting relationship with them and that they are ok with Steve's place in your life. What a blessing that must be! I know we don't really know each other but I still feel really proud of you, if that makes any sense, and just wanted to tell you so. Oh, and happy belated birthday -- here's wishing you many more with much less stress!

Carol Ann, So sorry to hear that your manager was so unkind while you were hurting, and that you are having to deal with yet another "layer" of grief as you have to give up your bike. I can't image what makes people say the dumb things they say sometimes! I hope your manager regretted his cruel words to you, but as I know you know, his saying them doesn't make them true, it just makes him a doofus! I am praying for courage and strength to rise up even higher within you, and that gentle souls will be brought into your life to give you respite, understanding, and gentleness. Also that if bike riding is not an option for a time, that other things that bring you joy will be readily available to you. Hang in there! Sending you a long-distance hug.

In situations like this, it is astonishing to see the capability for evil that lies within humanity. It would cause one to lose hope, except that in these situations you always ALSO see the capacity for courage, kindness, and compassion that lies within humanity. I am greatly amazed at the bravery of those who ran toward the barrel of the gun and put an end to the gunman's rampage. My thoughts and prayers are with all those who lost loved ones and with those who must now endure physical recovery from wounds they did not deserve to bear.

Just wanted to say thanks to all of you for so much encouragement and acceptance. MartyT, though my friend was not lost to suicide, I found the "Guilt After Suicide" article you attached to be very moving. Maybe I can start to throw some bricks out of the bag I am carrying around! Sunstreet, I very much hope that you are feeling better! That sounds like a very unpleasant time in the hospital. I am sorry you had to go through it but glad you are doing better now. Each one who responded has given me a lot to think about, and that is what I have been doing over the past few days. I can't begin to tell you how much it helped just to be able to tell someone. Though I suspect you know, since each of us has found our way here through our own griefs that need to be told.

EDIT: It has occurred to me that others who grieve the same losses I do may one day read this board. That being the case, I feel I have been overly explicit in my description of the events that transpired and moved me to post here. Out of sensitivity to others who could be affected by this information, I am removing my original post. I will summarize in generalizations below the content of the original post: Having lost two children, and then losing my best friend, I betrayed my wife in a moment of grief and weakness. I am struggling with great guilt over this, though my dear wife has forgiven me.

My son and daughter are long dead, stolen by death mere minutes after their birth. I barely survived their loss -- for years I lived only because I could not bear to kill myself and bring another loss to my dear wife. Now, my best friend is dead, his widow in an agony of the grief brought by untimely, unlooked for death. In the grief of my friend's loss, I lost my way somehow. I SWEAR that I tried to do the right thing! I TRIED SO HARD to be a man of honor and I know I was doing much to be of comfort and help, but in a weak moment I fell. Now I must live all the rest of my days with the knowledge that I have failed the ones I love most. Though they forgive me, I see the wreckage I have wrought and I cannot forgive myself. I cannot die without bringing them more grief, and I cannot live with myself. I go through each day pretending that I am fine and healing, and many days I even convince myself. But deep down I know that it should have been me that died. How can I go on like this? For years, maybe for decades? Every day I am presented with the consequences of my folly, and I hate the repugnant fool that brought all this about. I am trapped in his skin. God help me.