Penny1

Hi Gypsyheart, It’s been a long time since I was here, I am the one who started this post. First and foremost, I am truly sorry for your loss. I believe grief is very individual. Some people cope easier than others, some people have the ability to move forward in their lives more quickly than others. It’s been many years since I’ve lost my mom. Her case has gone cold. Personally I have found it easier now but there’s still days that trigger my emotions. Now for myself, I’m just waiting for the day that my father dies. I am hoping this will bring some relief within myself and some closure. Like you, I see her pictures around my house and think of where she is now. Will we see each other again? I’m not sure what the afterlife brings. My thoughts of her are more positive, I have accepted the fact that my father won’t be held accountable. I try to focus on the great memories that I shared with her instead of the bad. Also I still see a counselor when the negative thoughts start creeping up on me. Everyone here are very supportive whenever you need to vent.

Well its been a long while since I have been here.... mom's birthday just passed by a few weeks ago.... still no arrest...still no answers... my hubby has decided that he wants out of our relationship... it feels as if I have lost again and brings up all the hurt and pain of losing mom....emotions are running rampant and I feel so alone...

Thanks Shell & Trudy Well I made it through the day.. I guess I know now, there will always be tough days but they seem to go by with a little more ease each time.... I guess that means I am healing..... Just wanted to tell you guys how grateful I am to have you guys to lean on... As I have said many times before, it is so amazing that you can lend me support yet you are going through so much as well.... I can never thank you enough

Tough Day... I know it has been quite some time since I have been here....today is the anniversary of mom's death..... I feel empty... I miss her so much and just with I could hold her in my arms again... Last night, I stayed up and lit a candle for her at the time she passed away, cried lots and hugged my beloved little mr bear.... Today is my mom day, nothing else matters but focussing on my memories we shared. I have started creating her memorial wreath with candles that I will light on christmas day... I thought it would be so very difficult when I decided to make this but to my amazement, it was heart warming.. My sister in law said it is pretty sparkly but that is what mom loved.... sparkles...and this is her wreath so why not.... I would suggest to everyone to try this, it is very healing... On wednesday I get to go to see the RCMP once again.... still no arrest.... I have been hoping they will have some good news for me but time will tell... My hubby saw my father the other day and it was all he could do to control himself.... It is so difficult to hear that a murderer is walking free able to continue living life while my beloved mother has had her life ripped away... He has his new little girlfriend (same one he had) and living up life.... it is so unfair, where is the justice in this world??? I still have not spoken with him or my sister nor do I plan to anytime in the future....Now if I could only figure out how to rid myself of the anger and rage towards them.... Anyways I am babbling once again.... thanks for listening....

Hi Andrea, I am very sorry to hear about your Grandma... I haven't been here for quite some time so I went back and read all of your posts... I can't imagine how horrible things must seem for you... I read that you have gone through 3 major losses in your life and no wonder you are having a hard time... Have you gone through counselling for the other previous losses? I imagine I would be numb if I were you.... I guess my advice would be to start back at the beginning of dealing with each individual loss that has happened. MartyT is wonderful at helping and being supportive try messaging her. She has a wonderful web site with some great suggestions of where to begin your healing journey... Keep coming back, as you know everyone here is so wonderful and supportive. We are all here to help you through this terrible time. Take care, you will be in my thoughts and prayers.

Hi Randa I am glad that you tried the candle.... it is also nice to know your name now too... The candle worked wonders for me... lots of tears and many exhausted crashes when I was done but I felt somehow at peace when I talked to my Mom... Another suggestion if there was a special thing only you and your mom did together like crafts or a special place to go to then try it... I have a blanket my mom crochet for me a long time ago... it was put away because I was always scared to use it in fear that it would get worn out. I now have that blanket hanging on my computer chair and when I feel cold and lonely I wrap myself up in it and imagine that my mom is hugging me... I spent many days at the beach with her little teddy bear and talked to her there too... I am sure some of the people who passed by thought I was a nutcase but it helped me so much.... It is so hard and life just seems to suck you dry at times like these but try to take in the beauty of this world when you can... go for a walk on the beach, sit on a mountain top and just listen to nature and try to find some peace in your life... oh ya I down loaded a bunch of meditative music that I listen to when I am alone. I know it is easier said than done but trust me please that this will get easier... It was so nice to hear from you again and you are in my thoughts....

Hi Brian, Just wanted to tell you how sorry I am for the loss of Ronna.... I checked out your web site, what a beautiful memorial of her... she was absolutely beautiful but I guess I don't have to tell you that... Twhittle Also I am sorry for your loss.... I can't even imagine what you and Brian are going through with losing your daughters... My heart goes out to both of your families... I wish I could give you some advice that would make this easier for you both but unfortunately it takes time... You both will be in my thoughts and prayers...

Hi... just wanted to add... Lighting the candle made me pour rivers of tears.... I did it at night just before bed.... I took this time to reflect back on all of the wonderful memories I had with Mom... I talked to her about our special times... This time I used to tell Mom all the things I never got to say... It was kind of weird, the flame of the candle would dance all over the place and then it would just burn a slow steady flame... it was almost as if Mom was there in the room with me... I guess that was why I found so much peace in this.... I hope it will help if you try this... take care God Bless

Hi I am glad you came back... Sorry to hear your family is struggling...but it is all part of the grieving process... Your Dad may just need some time... remember everyone has their own way of dealing with losing someone so precious... you may find that you need to talk about it and he may be silent and not want to discuss your Mom at all.... Try not to take it personally... he just needs to have the priveledge of grieving your Mom in his own way... You too will find that you will have your own needs in this journey and keep in mind we are all here to support you... Will we ever be a family again without Mama holding us together? I can so relate to your question.... My Mom was the glue that held our family together too....I have come to accept that my family will never be the same... It has taken lots of counselling and reading books to be able to understand and accept the many changes that have taken place since Mom died... My counsellor made a suggestion that I would like to pass on to you.... find a beautiful candle, a special holder (one your Mom would have loved) and light it every night. Use this time to gaze into the flame and let the peace surround you as if your Mom is there with you... take this time to just sit and talk to her....tell her about your fears, your love for her....cry and be close to her... Hopefully if you try this, it will work for you as it did for me.... I lit my candle every night and talked to mom for about a month... soon after I found I no longer needed to light it every night.... only once in awhile when I am really missing her... You have so much ahead of you and I know how difficult it will be... keep in mind, you are not expected to be the strong one all of the time... don't forget to give yourself the time you need.... Take care we are all praying for you and your family...

My dear, I cannot express my sorrow over you losing your mom.... she did talk about her fears and our only hope is that somehow whe helped her through her difficult journey... It was very nice of you to take time out of your pain to tell us about her and her life... thanks Hopefully you will come back to this site and share some more of the wonderful memories you have of her.. I know all of us would have liked to have had the chance to get to know her more... Our hearts go out to you and your family and we are all here to support you or any of your family members in this time of grief... You will be in our prayers... Take care

Hi all... Well, I made it through the dreaded day.... Today is another... Thanksgiving... After receiving all of your well wishes and support there came a river of tears....I came to the realization that even though my current situation is dreary and not looking to hopefull, there is a huge positive in all of this....YOU! I have no clue as to how to express my thanks to everyone... if you only knew the impact you guys have had on my life.... Today is a day to be thankful.... I am. Marty, I don't know if you are aware.... but your gift of giving to people could move mountains.. (I know tacky cliche) Your impact you have had on my life as well as many others is immeasurable. How to thanks you? Well I can't thank you to the measurement you deserve... You are an angel... Derek, Shell, everyone who has ever posted on this site with words of encouragement.. thanks... It is so amazing that you can put your own pain aside and reach out to others in need. For all who are celebrating thanksgiving (and for those who just can't) at least please (my request) take the time to find something to be thankful for... I know it is very difficult for so many in these times of sorrow but there is hope.... Here I go babbling again.... love to you all!!!!

Well guys.. today is my b-day.... I awoke in tears....such a wonderful way to wake up... I feel as if I am this souless being floating along through this journey with no hope.... Why does life have to carry on? I miss my Mom so much and the reality that she will not call me today is brutally painful... If only she was here to hug me and tell me everything will be ok... it is getting closer and closer to the anniversary of her death and still nothing is solved.... it is so hard to bear the reality that maybe, just maybe nothing ever will be done.... I don't know if it just because this day is a reminder that she is gone forever or if it is the approaching anniversary that has sent me spiralling... I keep telling myself that it will pass and yes I know deep in my heart it will it still does not make it any easier.... I guess all of you know that already.... I have to work today and my boss made an announcement that there would be a birthday celebration today.... everyone was guessing who's birthday it is and I said nothing.... I dont' want any one wishing me happiness....I just want this day to be over already.... I dont think I will be able to keep it together...I thought about calling in sick but I was already off due to this cold and infection for the first two days this week.....so really it is not an option.... I hope everyone will pray for me to stay in control... I am thankful for everyone sending me birthday wishes and letting me know that you are thinking of me today... Thanks Trudy for the personal msg... I know that you can understand where I am at today emotionally and just wanted to say thanks for thinking of me.... you are an angel.... Sorry for babbling along... and thank you all for your friendship... it means the world to me...

M. I am so happy that you have finally found some peace.... I think the vet was right.... you did the right thing and she didn't have to go through any suffering... I have faith that you will find the right counsellor to help you with your grief.... it may not be the first person you talk to but you will know when the right person does come along... Please remember, you did all you could for your baby.... she was so lucky to have you.... I am always here if you need to talk Take care, loads of hugs, you will be in my thoughts and prayers

Hi Haley What a great idea....thanks I too don't want to deal with buying gifts and all the happy happy holiday people and their wishes.... I don't know just the thought of it makes me cranky... Take care

Thanks Marty I will check it out.... Hope you are having a good day!

Thanks Haley for the birthday wishes.... I have no plans as of yet and don't really care to celebrate...maybe the few stiff drinks might help... I have been off work this week... ear, throat and sinus infection so that doesn't help my mood any... maybe more nyquil with those stiff drinks.... Anyways, I just wanted to say thank you for your support... you guys here are oh so wonderful... don't know what I would have done without all of you... love & hugs to all

Thanks.... all of you for being so wonderful.... It really helps face the day when I have such a wonderful group of friends and support on here... I will be thinking of all you guys on my birthday God bless you all....

Hi Trudy I know what you mean about having too much time to sit inside and think...I am dreading it... My birthday is in a few days and I just dont even want to face it... my Mom was here last year with me....how will I feel...I am not sure.. I just hope I can keep it together for my hubby's brother and girlfriend are staying with us right now... maybe they are here to help me through the holidays this year...

Oh Derek, I wish so badly that I could take your pain away... Please don't doubt yourself when it comes to Carson... you are a wonderful father and you should never feel as if you are not making the right decisions... I know how lonely you must be...the nights must be so very difficult for you and I wish I could be closer to help you through your sadness... Marty pointed out a very interesting thing in another post... she asked one poster to go back and look at his posts.... maybe you can gather some strength in the advice you have given to others.... You have the strength within you to make it through.. I know you do.. yet you are falling right now and that is to be expected..its ok.... dont beat yourself up about it... you will fall and even though times like today seem so bleak and despairing it will pass... have faith Derek and God will help you through.... I have missed talking to you on msn and if you ever need a friend, I am there for you... Take care, I will pray for you... Hugs

Shell Just wanted to tell you... you are not alone nor will you ever be as long as you are here.... You have gone through so much it just seems so unfair... You have become such a huge and important part of all of our lives... you support is amazing considering all that you have gone through... We are all here for you.... thanks Kim hang in there... I know it must be so difficult especially when your brother just doesn't understand... I know how that is... my brother has grieved for my mom so differently but he has to do whatever he needs to do.. hang in there... Haley... Oh gosh... I was there when my mom died too... she was in agony and it was such a heart wrenching ordeal.... I begged her to let go... and I keep visualizing that moment and can't get it out of my head.... I wish I could just erase the horror of that time and remember Mom for the beautiful person she was.... I will pray that you be released from that pain... You are in my thoughts

Thank you to all of you guys... I really don't know what I would have done had I not found this site and such a wonderful group of people... Derek... thank you so much for your prayer... I read it out aloud today I hope that God did take notice.... Dorothy is such a huge part of my life and always has been... when I got married several years back, she made all of my bridesmaid dresses, my bridesmaid bouquets and her husband Reg (my other Dad) was the MC at my reception... they have and always be very close to my heart... they were both so supportive since Mom died, I really don't know what I would have done without them.... Good news... they are staying one more day... we spent yesterday together and had such a wonderful time... today I am blessed to spend the day with them again.... God is watching over me... Dorothy was diagnosed with breast cancer last year.... she now has a spot on her liver and one on a kidney... she is so brave and trying so hard to stay positive and is determined to stay here on this earth as long as she can.... I so wish I could spend the holidays there... I took 4 days off work to be with her while they are here but that is all I have for time off... We have made plans that I will go there on my next holidays in the new year so I will pray that she doesn't get any worse... If she does go downhill then I am just going to tell my boss that I need a leave... Thank you all so much.... please do pray for Dorothy.... she is such a wonderful human being.... I wish you could all meet her....

Derek, I am so glad that your bankrupcy is done.... God was looking out for you, it is not very often that they discharge you so soon.... I am glad that you can put that behind and move forward.... I know that now you will be able to take the time you need to grieve for Karen and it will be difficult at times but please remember it will get easier for you.... I hope Carson is doing better.... he is so lucky to have such a wonderful dad.... As you said, the road will be bumpy but you have over come so many obstacles already and I have faith that you will be ok.... When times get tough... I am here for you...as you have been for me... thank you for that... We all have you in our prayers..

Hi It's me again... Today is bittersweet for me... my Mom's best friend Dorothy has been here visiting... she is to me my second Mom and helped me immensely through my grieving journey... We have had a few wonderful days and it has been such a comfort being able to talk about Mom with her remembering the good times we have had over the years... Dorothy is leaving tomorrow... she has cancer and I am so afraid to see her leave for I may not get the chance to see her again... I just can't deal with losing someone one else again.... this is just so unfair... She lives 14 hrs away.... I don't know how to get a grip....this is just so hard...

Hi Kim & Quiltcat.. Normal... I don't think anything goes back to normal when you lose someone close to you.... I lost my mom too last Dec/05... I had no warning... she was murdered... I took her into the hospital on a wednesday night and she died on friday just after midnight... there was no time to say goodbye.... I told her I loved her and the last coherent words she said to me was that she loved me too... Life has gone on.... no other choice but to carry on and deal with this one day at a time.... life is now different.... My advice to both of you.... counselling, read books, cry when you need to... take time for yourselves to be alone with your feelings.... I took many walks on the beach....talked to her and told her how much I missed her and wished she could be here.... This grieving journey we are all on is a huge emotional roller coaster ride... You will have good moments and dreadful ones that just don't seem to pass quickly enough.... Please don't feel guilty.... it is not your guilt to carry.... and your families.... well just don't let anyone push you around... Kim My brother requested to have a small urn of Mom's ashes for himself... the crematorium transferred some of them into a small urn and then we put spread the remaining ones where she requested them to be....with her parents... I am so glad my brother was strong enough to do that... now when I want I can go to his house and hold her..... I wish I could take away all the pain you are going through.... you both are in my prayers and thoughts...

Hi Derek I have no idea what will come of the holidays this year.... Haven't figured that one out yet.... Mom passed away Dec 3/05 and there just was no Christmas in our house.... my kids were both here for the first time in a few years and neither of them wanted christmas to happen ....most of all, I just couldn't deal with much back then...My hubby and I were on the verge of separation and had a huge fight on christmas eve.... I spent christmas eve in a hotel room... can't get much worse than that.... I am not really sure what will happen this year... my son said he will be home for christmas and he told me he needs to be here for me this year... I guess he knows what a difficult time this is going to be once again.... I guess the holidays brings up memories from our past... and makes us want to go back in time and change it all.... It is going to be difficult for sure but as every other event in our grieving journey.... we will get by.... I was thinking of booking a room and spending christmas at the ski resort near here... a new tradition... one my children would love.... Anyone else have any ideas??