okay so, i think im in the right place here, for a while ive just been so down, feeling tired all the time and hopeless, not being able to sleep and just not being myself, i didnt think it was grief untill couple days ago when i was researching why i coulb be the way i am and it led me to an nhs website. then i realised that it was that everything from from the past few months had caught up on me, my grandad died in july last year and i was devastated, i had always been so close to him and he had been like a father for me as my dad had left when i was young. After the initial shock i kinda just ignored it all, and pretended it wasnt happening and tried to go on like normal which i know it isnt the best thing to do but i just couldnt face it, i used to see him all the time and he always spoilt me and looked after me and then for him to not suddenly be there, i couldnt take it. his death was unexpected, he became seriously ill and died within 2 months.The whole family took it hard and expecially my mum, she would always be round my nans so id normally be at home one my own and if she was ever home she would just drink, that was her way of coping i guess but she done it for a couple of months, and she would become nasty when she was drunk to me and my step dad, so i felt that i couldnt talk to her about it or any of my family and i just felt like my friends wouldnt understand. i also found out that my mum and family had thought i didnt care about the fact that grandad had died as i didnt show it and that annoyed them, but i felt like i couldnt, everyone would just tell me that i had to be strong for mum and for the family, but i just thought who was there to be strong for me? i felt like i had no one to turn to and still do. Now everyone is kinda moving on because they let their emotions out when it all happened but i just feel like im left behind, i just miss him so much but i cant talk to anyone about it. i dont want to go out, i dont have the energy to go to college or do my hobbies, and i just feel like i want to get away, like i need space to myself so i can just think and let everything out, or when im walking anywhere i jsut feel like i want to keep going, to just keep walking and get away and never stop, i just dont know what to do, and when i think of life without him and that im never gonna see him or, or hug him i cant i just cant bear it, i jsut want him here, i just feel like he would make everything better, especially since he died i jsut felt like i dont know who i am, that i dont know anything anymore and im not good for anything, and it really shook me up, i was just going to start at sixth form and i suddenly felt like people wouldnt like me because i was upset and everything that had happened so i just burried it down and pretended it didnt happen. i dont know what im hoping to get out of talking about it on here but i just thought that getting it all out in the open would help, that maybe someone can tell me what to do and tell me how to get through it,try to stop my confusion, but anyway, thanks for taking the time to read what i had to say, i hope you can help me
