maggiet

Today is not such a good day...I am weepy and sad and can't seem to find a focus that will take my mind off of all that I have had to go through this last 3 months. So here I am ... typing away in hopes that it releives the pressure that is mounting in my heart. The death of my Ex and what role it plays in my everyday life with the children that we shared is overwhelming at times. Last night was not a good night for my little one...she misses her dad and his gf at the time of his death and beleive it or not...the gf's dog. There were once again tears and confusion for her and I am working towards getting her more settled in her "new" normal. I was able to phone the ex's gf today and we have set up a visit so that my little one feels like she is getting what she needs in terms of comfort...a very difficult task for me as we were not friendly during my ex's life and having his family involved in my life has been another adjustment... Boy oh Boy...in the last 3 months there have been alot of adjustments. The loss of my Ex and my childrens father, the loss of my boyfriend whom I loved very much, then the involvement with my Ex's family into my life (which was non existant after our break up), our (my kids and I) adjustment to a new lifestyle of not having the everyother weekend away from each other, the sole responsiblity of providing emotional support to children who are adjusting to the death of their dad....And I am sure the list could go on if I had the energy to type it all!!! Who would have thought that the death of my ex would of changed my life so much??? He was an ex...I was not in love with him...so why am I so sad and confused and twisted about it all????

Hello Today: I am just a little sad today...I am surprised that I have not had any melt downs with tears and overwhelming sadness!! It was a calmer day... I think that maybe I have moved from the "sad" stage of losing the boyfriend and am moving into the "angry" stage...The more I think about what I have had to deal with in the last three months and the lack of understanding and support that he was willing to give me and the kids...well to tell you the truth...it makes me angry! I sent him a message the other day telling him that I missed him and that if he gave me some time, we might be able to figure things out...and he replied only using references to what I did to him and how he was feeling and how my actions affected him...all the while, I am trying to figure out my place in the greiving process for my Ex...I am trying to figure out how to get my kids through the loss of their dad...I am trying to figure out a settled way for myself to have to deal with him family for the rest of my life in regards to the kids...and all he was worried about was what I did to HIM??? Gawd Help Me!! where did I find this guy...that is what I have been thinking to myself (but on the other hand...I miss him and his laughter and his smile and how we had enjoyed each others company)... But that is not all of my story...my oldest daughter (14 yrs) had been experiencing sweating and shortness of breath and tiredness...I though it all contributed to the death and the break up of my boyfriend and me...so I took her for tests last week and got a call back from the doctor today...she is being referred to a cardiologist as they have found a serious heart condition!! How much more can one person handle in such a short time period!!??? Some moments I feel like I am going to crack and then there are moments when I find absolute peace in knowing that if I can handle these times...I will be able to get through anything!! Just thought I would let you all in on my day! Hope everyone is finding a reason to smile today!

Hi. Self centered or too damAged to be able to help me. Either way my heart is hurting and I am trying to find ways to move on. My ex did not do this to himself. It was an accident while sleeping with a generator on for heat on a boat. I think that I may have been able to cope easier had we not fallen apart but I guess we fell apart due to the stress of the grief??!! This is a very difficult life experience for me and I will be thankful for the passage of time !!!

he would understand what it felt like to feel the loss that I feel for my kids. I am surprised that he said that it was a farce, and that he does not think that that it should be hurtful. I think that most men feel that way. That they beleive that it should make it easier that your Ex has died or that things should just go on the same as they were before. Nonetheless, I am really feeling alone and helpless. It sucks. As I am the one who kicked him out and isolated him, I guess I can only blame myself. Day 2 of posting....pain still there...but at least I can carry on a conversation today without crying in everyones face.

I am releived that I happened across this site looking for ways to decrease the pain in my heart. Thank Goodness! My name is Maggie and I am 43 years old. I am the divorced mother of three wonderful kids aged 7, 8, 14. My Ex and I shared custody of the kids and he spent alot of time with them. We were not friendly with each other, but always put the kids first. I had moved on with my life and I was in a beautiful loving relationship for 4 years with the man who I thought was my life partner. On October 18, 2010, I received a phone call from my Ex's sister that he was found that morning dead from Carbon Monodixe poisoning. The weeks following were a blur but my main concern was putting the kids needs first and getting them through this terrible time. In the weeks that have followed, I noticed myself becoming angry toward my boyfriend, who I loved very, very much. I felt confused and angry and felt that I didn't know how to grieve the loss of my Ex and really didn't pay attention to my needs as I was trying hard to be there for my kids. Well...just before Christmas, I am soooo angry at my bf that I toss him out of the house and tell him that our relationship is over. I started to cry and feel that I had been cheated out of alot of things with my ex and feel that my kids will miss out on alot of in their lives. My bf came back over Christmas to see if we could work things out. I told him about how I was feeling and what I felt that I was dealing with and he told me that he felt that it was a "farce" and just an excuse to not make good choices. Well, to make a very long three month story short....here I sit trying to deal with the loss of my Ex...(not too sure how I am supposed to feel) and also the loss of my one true love! My heart is breaking all over the place. I am trying to be strong for my kids but I feel alone and scared and messed up. My Ex and I were embroiled in a court battle over child support and he was irresponsible financially and emotionally with the kids and I carried 8 years of anger towards him. I am sad that there was no resolve to that and I don't know where or how to compartmenalize the angry feelings. My last words to him were not kind and for that I feel guilty. I feel sooo much pain for my kids. Only the kind of pain a mother can feel. My bf obviously did not understand the effects and I do realize that he has his own baggage he is carrying. I was not supportive and was self centred and self absorbed through the whole funeral process. I have sought out counselling but have to wait a week to see someone. My ex left no provisions for the kids in terms of life insurance and was so far in debt that I have had to seek legal advice to protect the kids and myself from the government. I miss my bf so much...although I don't know why when he has been so insensative and I am reeling from the everlasting effects of my ex's death.... Day 1 of posts....with more to come Marg