3 days ago, my brother and I made the decision to put my baby girl, Mazzie, to sleep. In November, she had gottern really sick throwing up and was just pitiful. I took her to the vet. We figured that she had ate something in the yard or whatever. The vet never went into detail about anything, and I was stuck on her possibly eating deer feces or something, she's a Jack Russell and is always into soemthing. She stayed overnight and it took her a couple of days, but she got better. We continuously assumed what made her sick, and in the end, we figured it was the food we were giving her. We changed her food and she seemed to do good once we found which one seemed to work ok with her system. I even went back to the vets office and asked them for advice. Every once in awhile she would not feel well, or would have a bad spell but never like when she was so sick the first time. I would give her the medicine the vet gave us and she would be fine. This past Saturday, it was pretty outside and I let her and my other Jack Russell (Cody, he's 12 years old) play outside for awhile since it was pretty outside. Mazzie loves to dig, so she had made a new hole and enjoyed the time making it bigger. That night Mazzie got sick and threw up. I noticed when cleaning it up that she had rabbit pellets in it and became kinda concerned. I gave the medicine and it seemed to help a little bit. I was up with Mazzie all night that night. She threw up a few times, but she would just stand there like it was too painful to move. Sunday morning I went out and got her some Pedialyte (the vet had said I could) so she wouldn't be so dehydrated. She did better. She still wouldn't eat, but she didn't seem as bad. That evening, I called the emergency vet, since it was Sunday they were not open. I explained everything to the vet, she had me check to see if she was dehydrated, and since she was not she assured me that she would be ok until the next morning. That night Mazzie did not do good at all. She vomitted all night, she couldn't even hold water down. She was so pitiful. I prayed and prayed that God would take away her pain and give it to me. I am bigger. I can handle it, but my little girl was too small to. In the meantime, Cody was acting funny as well. He clung to me, and every time I got near her, he would run up to me, sort of like he was trying to get the attention instead of her. We made it thru the next and as soon as they opened, we went to the vet. She wasn't running a fever and she wasn't dehydrated, but the vet took blood to get a work up on it. I left little Mazzie there, since I had been thru this process before and the vet said she would call when the bloodwork came back. I had not been home for 10 minutes when the vet called. Mazzie had severe pancrititus that had caused her to have diabetes. As i sat there listening and crying, the vet explained to me that even if they could get the pancrititus under control (with it being that severe, she would have a difficult time controling it and then she would possibly be sick on and off for the rest of her life) then she would have to have insulin shots twice a day and be closely monitored for the rest of her life. She let me get off of the phone to tell my brother and discuss what we would do. My life again fell apart for the second time in 3 years ( I lost my oldest brother to a heart attack when he was 35). After alot of crying, we knew what to do. We went to the vets and spent a few minutes with her before we did it. She was in so much pain, she didn't even wag her tail. She wasn't my Mazzie in those final moments. She didn't have the energy to be. She was in so much pain. My brother held her body and they made me hold her head when we put her to sleep. She just stared into my eyes when the doctor was giving her the shot and then she was gone. I cannot believe she is gone. She has been my light during a bad day, my healer when I had surgery, she stayed by me when my brother died. Always wanting to give the world her kisses and happiness. It's been three days and my heart hurts so bad. I have managed to find her squeaky toys that were all over the house and put them in the toy box. She was notorious for playing with them. I have tried to stay busy, but I am now so worried about my little Cody. He is 12 years old, and he has been thru the grieving process 10 or 11 years ago, but this is different. Mazzie and Cody has only been away from each other for one night in 7 years. He is looking for his sister. I am so scared. He is 12, can his little old heart handle this? I am trying to give him as much attention as I can, but where as normally he would sleep all day, yesterday he stayed up and was wide awake. He is jumping at any noise in the house and just stares into the living room waiting for her. He is so sad. I truly think that he knew that something was not right in the last days of her life. He was acting so weird. Now, i am trying to grieve, and am having to help my Cody get thru this too. This is so tough. I never had kids, so Mazzie was my little girl and Cody was my little boy. They are my kids. To lose one is unbearable. People probably would look at me like I am crazy for being so upset. But, my heart aches for this little ray of sunshine that lit my life up for 7 years. I feel so empty and alone and am doing all that I can to help Cody. I feel that talking about it helps, but I am running out of people who would even understand a little bit. Her little brown eyes haunt me. And, of course the questions of guilt have come to me. Did I do the right thing? Was there something I could've done? Did I give up on her? I know the answers to the questions, of course, but it still bothers me. I would never want her to suffer. She deserves much more then that. I try to comfort myself by saying that she is with my brother playing with no worries. And she will be waiting for me when I get there. But, since I never have gotten over my brother, the death of my child is unbearable. Thank you for letting me tell my story, and all prayers for me and my family, especially my Cody, would be greatly appreciated.
