trying2Cope

It has been awhile since I have visited this site. I was touched to see that so many responded to my original post, and also heartbroken for those who have lost their loved ones just a short time ago. Grief is an awful thing. The first time I posted on here I was in an awful, dark, horrible place. People kept telling me that time heals wounds and honestly I just wanted to tell each and every one of those people to shut their face. I was wrong. While my grief is still very much present, I have found moments of peace since my Dad's passing just 5 short months ago. One of those times was just a few weeks ago. I went to visit his grave with my little girl. On our way there we stopped to pick out flowers to leave for him. My daughter chose a beautiful lavender rose, and I chose a bright pink gerbera daisy. My dad had a passion for flowers and gardening. I sat by his grave for almost 45 minutes. The sun was shining, the wind was blowing, and even though I was weeping, it was the closest I felt to my Dad since his passing. I felt his presence so strongly. I know he was there with me, smiling at my daughter touching his headstone. I pray for more moments like those. I miss him like crazy and it literally feels like its driving me insane somedays. I just have to remember that he's watching over me, and he's telling me that he's ok and that I shouldn't be sad. I pray for those who are grieving like I am, that you find some peace. Love to all of you out there.

It has been awhile since I have posted on here, and I'm having a very difficult time once again, so I'm turning to you wonderful people out there, going through the similar heartache that I am. My lovely father passed away on January 21, 2011. Not a day goes by that I don't think of him and miss his sweet smile and his gentle hug. I feel robbed. The other night I couldn't sleep as I kept thinking of him and just bawling my eyes out. I ended up oversleeping for work, and once I got there I messed some things up because I was flustered and then immediately started to weep. His absence is killing me. I'm trying not to let it, but I feel its devouring me. I do have my good days, but I think its mostly when I am alone that I start to feel rotten again. People tell me it gets easier, and I sort of believe them, but I'm just not so sure. This grief is coming in waves for me, and now I feel like I'm back to the moment I first found out that he had passed. I feel angry. I feel sad. I feel scared. I feel helpless. All I want is to see him, and I know that's not possible. It is just unfair. I know death is a part of life, but its still unfair. That's how I feel. I know my Dad wouldn't want me to be sad. Its just so hard not seeing him when I go to visit my Mom. I just don't know what to do. The thing that sucks the most is so many people around me have moved on, and I'm still stuck, in this awful place. I will never be the same. When he died, a part of me went with him, and I will never be the same. I just don't know what else to say. I'm just praying that I can pull things together, and live a life that my dad would be proud of. I miss him so much and it hurts. Sending hugs up to you in heaven Dad!

I feel better knowing that I'm not the only one out here feeling this way. I guess I just need to be patient. I talk to my Dad frequently. I blow kisses up to heaven every day. I miss him so. I am trying to keep myself from hiding my feelings. I have noticed that my mother and I are closer since this happened. I think that is a very good thing. She is so heartbroken though, and it kills me to see her that way. I was just at her house tonight and as I left I saw tears in her eyes. We are planning a trip to Florida in the coming months, it excites her, takes her mind off of things. I am finding strength in me I never knew I had. In fact, I don't know how I have gotten through these last 3 weeks. I guess I'm an auto pilot...it just gets you through. I want to go to the cemetery soon, by myself, and visit my Dad. Ugh, I hate saying that. HATE IT! Thanks for your responses, and for the recommendation of the book. I will get my sign. I know I will. My Dad will let me know he's ok, I just want him to do it soon. Hugs to Everyone hurting out there.

3 weeks. 21 days. That's how long I have been without my Dad. I think...22 days ago, my Dad was just living life, there was nothing wrong, and then my world came crashing down. I don't really know how to answer people's questions about how I am doing. I usually answer "Ok." Mostly because I don't feel like talking a whole lot. I don't really think I'm ok, but honestly I don't really know what is going on in my brain half the time. I think so much about everything, about things my Dad and I did together, and how we laughed so much together. I don't tear up quite as quickly (however I am crying now) and sometimes I feel like maybe I'm on the road to feeling better? I feel guilty then because its almost like I'm forgetting about him. Ugh, Its almost like I feel that if I start to feel better, his presence is going to be that much more absent. Am I making sense? Today for the first time since his death I was able to tell a coworker a story about him, and we both laughed together. It felt really good actually. I always told this coworker of mine how he reminded me of my Dad. I miss him the most at night, when I sit here and think. Has anyone on here ever felt a loved one's presence, or seen any type of sign? I am constantly looking....I know he is with me but is it bad/crazy of me to want to SEE something? I need to try and get some sleep now. God Bless You all.

There is nothing wrong with you. Absolutely nothing. Tomorrow it will be 3 weeks since my Dad died suddenly at the age of 59. I still don't know where this time has gone. It sure doesn't wait for you to get your mind together and figure out a way to fill in the hole that is in your heart. It sucks doesn't it? Ugh, I find myself getting extremely frustrated. It seems that everyone was very consoling, etc for at least a week, and now its almost as if they feel that (like your husband says) I should be starting to feel better. It is totally not the case. It is not fair to tell, or expect someone to feel a certain way. I didn't know I could feel this empty, or this sad, until 3 weeks ago when I lost such an important person in my life. I didn't know what to do, where to go, or who to talk to. I have a few friends that have lost parents, so they know what the void feels like. I needed something more, something where I could say anything and everything I wanted to, and so that is why I am here. Good for you for finding a place where people truly care. I feel for you, so find some comfort, however small that may be, in knowing that there are people out here that know what you are feeling and care. I haven't logged on in a few days, but now that I have, I know that I need to come back more often. Keep your head up, I know its hard. I pray that people can understand what you are going through. I have thought of seeing a therapist myself just because I think it would be good for me. You have to take care of YOU. I wish you the best, sending hugs your way.

I am so so sorry for your loss, and I'm sorry that you had a falling out with your Dad, and weren't on good terms when he passed. I know that I don't know you, but considering that you sought out a place to sort out your feelings and try to find some peace, tells me something. It tells me that you loved your Dad very much, and I'm sure that no matter what happened between the two of you, he knew that you loved him. I've found with this loss, that there are many things that will go unanswered for me. For these questions that I have, I am going to have to use my best judgment and that is just going to have to be the way it is. It is definitely not how I would have wanted it, but well I didn't want to lose my Dad either. My apologies if I'm not making sense. I'm basically letting my fingers run over the keyboard. I'm still feeling very numb...but of course it has only been 12 days. Do you find yourself thinking "13 days ago, all was right with the world." Well, I think you know what I mean. I'm just shocked, and depressed, trying desperately to put one foot in front of the other. You are in my thoughts. Please continue to be strong, and I will do the same. This sucks. That's all there is to say. I think I said that 100 times at my Dad's service. Let's try our best to find some peace.

Today was an ok day. That's really all I can say. I also find myself getting frustrated when I recall memories of him, like "Oh I'm never gonna hear that again!" and I sigh, or swear out loud. It just plain sucks. I also hate having to talk to people about how my Dad died. The fact is, we don't know why yet, haven't gotten the results, and I don't much care because he's still gone. Ugh. I want a sign from him. Am I crazy? Sorry, that's a stupid question. I believe that signs can be sent from above, I just want one now. I'm not patient. I want to KNOW he is here with me. I can't stand this lonely feeling, of wanting to see my Dad, and hear his voice. I'm crying now just thinking about it. Why is death so hard? My daughter is only 4 but I'm worrying about how she will feel when I die. Why am I fast forwarding everything so much? Sigh...again. Everything I do, or see reminds me of him. I think of him when I pull out of my driveway, when I am at work, I see the insulin that he used, when I drive home, on the same roads he drove, and again when I pull in my driveway. I guess thinking about him isn't a bad thing. It just torments me that I can't see him, that I can't hug him. It sucks. :'( I feel as this grief is growing, and just getting stronger. I'm praying for all those out there who have lost parents, or anyone close to them for that matter and is grieving. I haven't had to experience this kind of grief until now, and its awful, unlike anything I ever would have imagined. I hope I can get through this.

I'm overwhelmed with all of your responses. Thank you so much. I now know I have somewhere to turn to. This feeling is so awful. I despise it. I'm doing my best though to get by. I am laying in bed, crying again, but that's the usual. I am trying to think positive. I am just going day to day. I'm having a hard time seeing everyone else move on with things and I'm still stuck. Its tough being back at work. I just want to grieve. I don't want people to try to cheer me up. Do you know what I mean? I do feel like I'm in a tunnel, a nightmare. All I can do is sigh. My daughter is the best though...her smile gets me through. The night my dad died, we came home and I just turned to her with tears in my eyes and said "I miss grandpa.". She came over and wiped my tears and gave me a hug. The sweetest thing ever. Thank you to you wonderful souls. I'm glad I joined this forum. Take care everyone.

On January 21st, my father passed away suddenly while on his way to work. I was at work when I was informed of his death. Since 9:00 that day, my life has been changed forever. Its so difficult for me to describe the feeling. It feels like I literally have a hole in me, like part of me has died, like I am closer to death myself. Is that weird? My Dad was only 59 years old and its very difficult for me to grasp all of this. I am 28 years old, and have a 4 year old daughter. My thoughts are so jumbled. I think about him often, which I know is good, because he was my father and I loved him dearly. I have friends who have lost parents, and they say that it does get a little better over time. I just can't believe that at this point. I have my moments, moments of frustration, anger, pure sadness. I know I have to put one foot in front of the other but honestly how? I worry that sometime in the future I'm going to have a question for him, and he's not going to be there to answer it. My nights are really hard, I've been crying myself to sleep almost every night since his death. I try to think positive. For instance, while 59 may seem young, some people don't get to live as long as he did. He was a father to 4 daughters, had 3 grandchildren, and led a happy life. I should be thankful for that. However there is a bitterness in me, the feeling that I have been robbed. I hate it. I searched for a forum so I would have a place to vent. Any advice on how I can try my best to get through this in one piece? Thanks in advance...