dpodesta

It has been 4 years for me since I lost my wife and looking back even though the pictures were still in place I reailized that I didn't look at them, really didn't even realize that they were there. I wasn't trying to forget, but I found that it was just too painful to look at back then. Today the only pictures that are out are in my son's room. I have them there for him.

My prayers go out to you and your family

The first year without my wife at Thanksgiving and Christmas was a major pain. My son however was 7 at the time and I knew I had to do right by him so I put the tree up. I didn't do as much decorating as Karen did but at least I did some and I know he was glad I did. For Thanksgiving, Karen always did the stuffing and it was her mother's receipe. I was the only one left that knew how to make it since her mother has passed on 8 years before. So I also had to make the dressing. Since then I have involved my son in the making of it and the decorating of the tree. I have been through 3 holiday seasons now and I will tell you they will get better.

I am at a loss for understanding. I normally post in the loss of spouse forum as I lost my wife a little over 3 years ago. Last week my step brother took his life. It was a whirl wind afair traveling out of state this weekend to attend the funeral. Since I have gotten home and had time to get back into every day life I have been going through an emotional roller coaster. Usually during the day there are enough distractions that I don't think about it much, but when I get home it is a different story. The questions start coming in especially the "Why?" which usually turns into anger wondering why he would do this to us. Did he not realize the pain he would put us through? I finally start living life again and feeling good about life and then this happens. I don't want to deal with it. I know if I can get through the loss of my wife I can get through this, but it has put me back into that tunnel where you just don't see an end to it. That black cloud of fog you just can't see through. I am tired of the pain. Once again my life has changed and never will be the same again.

At The WARM Place there were a lot of kids that really didn't want to be there at first but once they were there for awhile they were glad they went. If you do go somewhere give it several visits before giving up on it. Love always Derek

I don't know what they have by you but in Fort Worth, TX they have an organization called The WARM Place which has group sessions for kids that have lost parents/grandparents. The spouse attends their own group session while the kids attend their own. THey are broken up into age groups near their own age. You might try looking them up and see if they know of any organizations like that, that might be by you. I know this helped a bunch when my wife died and my son was around 6 at the time. I hope you will be able to find something like that to help you out. This was a non profit deal so there weren't any fees or the like it was completly free. I know the feeling that you are having right nopw. It is very difficult to help your children/grand children when you feel like you can't help yourself. I remember that all too well. It has been over 3 years now for me and I can tell you it will get better, it may not seem like it right now but it will. Love always Derek

Edward, I am glad it well for you. I am glad that you were honest with her as that will be one thing that will not be between you to. This post has me thinking as well because I am also in a new relationship and sometimes wonder if I talk too much about Karen, I don't compare because I don't believe in it and also I know as well as anyone else that she wasn't perfect but because I have a 9 year old son there will always be reminders of her around for him. I am getting ready to take down the last remaining big reminder of her this weekend and that is the curio cabinet. It has all of our wedding stuff in it and her sister has expressed interest in it so I am going to clean it out so she can pick it up. Hope all works well for you. Love always Derek

That is a touchy subject. The one thing you will have to consider is this. We who have lost someone were very much in love with that person when we lost them. It has been 3 years now since I lost my wife and there are still a lot of memories that pop up at various times. It is not like a divorce where it is looked on as hanging on when you still think about your ex after so many years and also there is so much hurt because of the divorce that people tend to get over it quicker and don't want to talk about them. Grief can and will take many years to get through. She will always think about him from time to time and that is normal. She may not have been able to talk about him much as a lot of people get tired of listening and so we stop so now that she has found someone who will listen she is talking about him again. As far as approaching her on this I am torn. I believe in complete honesty in a relationship if something someone does bothers the other then it needs to be talked about to try and come up with a comprimise. However in a situation such as this you may find if you talk to her like you said she may shut down and it could end the chances of the relationship going any further. She may feel uncomfortable talking to you afraid she might say something about him that will upset you and then even start not talking about a lot of things. Hopefully someone here will have a little more insight for you as to what to do all I can do is tell you what I have experience in the form of losing my wife. I have been lucky in that the women I have dated were more than willing to let me talk about Karen anytime I wanted without making me think that they were uncomfortable. Now like you they may have just hid it and I just didn't know it. I guess the main thing is in order to date a widow/widower you have to be very understanding of that person be willing to be compasionate, they have been through a lot and like I said they weren't hurt by the person by divorce they were hurt because all of a sudden they weren't there any more. Love always Derek PS I would be interested in hearing how things go

Happy birthday Wendy may your day be richly blessed. Fred, I think we are all happy that we aren't going to get tormented by your rendition of the birthday song. Love always Derek

Timeless, I remember that feeling all too well. It has benn over 3 years now for me so thing have gotten a lot easier but even now sometime I still get that overwhelmong feeling. Being a single parent when we didn't choose to be is a major pain. You are correct if your husband held the insurance for your family it ended the day of his death which majorly sticks. Just try and take one item at a time. For your cats tyr Purina hair ball formula cat food. I have a medium to long haired cat and that is what I feed her and she hasn't had any hairballs in the 2 years that I have had her, maybe at least this will be less thing for you to worry about. Anyway just keep coming back here and there are a lot of people that will be here to support you. Love always Derek

Karen, My thoughts are with you as you start this journey, you have a good understanding of this site already which will be a big help. I lost my wife (Karen) a little over 3 years ago while we were on vacation. This site has been a big help and I have found that through helping others on this site it has given me healing. Most people don't realize this early in their grief that they can be a help to others, however as you have noted that you hope you can help someone else. This is what this is all about and even someone as new into this as you are can help someone that is at the very begining. I hope to hear more from you as time continues. Love always Derek

Teny, My heart and prayers go out to you. To lose someone else so very close to you when you are still trying to heal is devasting. It feels like you are way back in the begining again. In some respects you are back where you started, but you can do this. You will remain in my thoughts and prayers this week. Love always Derek

Phyllis You are right they don't understand, however I did find that I would snap at people and not realize it ffor quite sometime. I do remember the angry stage all too well. My son got quite a bit of it for awhile and I had to apoligize on multible occasions. I also had to file for bankruptacy so I had a lot of creditors calling me. It got to the point that where I would look forward to their calls because usually when I gave the the only information that my lawyer said I had to give they would press for more so I would gripe them out. In a twisted sort of way that was so much fun. Anyway, I look back at where I was and I know that there were some people that I work with that had to put up with my attitude for awhile. All I can say is just keep coming here to vent and let what some people say go in one ear and out the other, I know that this can be easier said than done. Love always Derek

Thank you all of you for your thoghts and prayers. The day went by well, a few sad times but over all it went well. I think that knowing between here on this site and at my church were praying for me. This has been a long hard 3 years, however I really believe that this was the easier of the years. This was the first Christmas I have had since the death of my grandmother in 1986 that wasn't depressing. So I know that it does get better, and I am glad that my experiences are a benefit to some of you all. Love always Derek

Hello my HOV Family, Well tomorrow will be 3 years since the loss of my wife. As I reflected on this today thinking about the things that were going on today and the time frame of things tomorrow I couldn't believe that is has been this long. I look back at where I was 3 years ago, the pain that I was in and the wonder of how I was going to make it by myself rasing a then 6 year old boy. The raod has not been easy and still sometimes it still isn't. I have come a long way since then, in that time frame I have gained a relationship with God that I never thought possible, I have a church family that means the world to me, and I have a group of friends here on this site that I consider family as well. Right now all is well, I think about tomorrow and while there is some sadness, I am not overly grieved by the thought of it being 3 years tomorrow when my life changed forever. Tomorrow might be different as far as feelings go but for now I am good. I have to work tomorrow which will be a distraction for me and I am sure will help me get through the day. There have been a lot of ups and downs but the downs are getting fewer as time passes. I hope by posting this that those that are newer to this group can get hope from this that things will get better. Those that are in this and have less than a year right now are going through a lot of pain and it is hard to imangine that life can get better, but I can tell you from my experience that it will. Just keep coming here, post your frustrations and we will help you get through it. I have asked several of my closer friends at church to pray for me tomorrow, and to pray for my son as well. This has not been easy for either one of us but we are making it. I also ask those of you here that pray to also keep us in your prayers tomorrow. Thank you all of you for being here for me when I needed it most, I hope I have been a help to some of you. Love always Derek

Teny, Unfortunately I don't read Greek. Your Priest is partly right, you find courage within yourself however it is not a process totally left to your own. You also find it from God, pray to Him and ask Him for the strtength and courage. I remember a passage in the Bible that says something to effect that they have not because they ask not. Ask through Him and it shall be given. I will have you on my prayers. I know this is difficult, April 6th will be 3 years for me and while it has not been easy it has gotten better. Love always Derek

The thing to keep in mind with people who have said these things don't understand. They haven't lost their spouse so they don't know. Some of them may have lost their parents or someone close and while there are similarities there are a lot of differences as well. They are trying to help as best they can and don't realize that what they say hurts. Just like when my wife and I had our second miscarraige the things that people said hurt to the core, they didn't realize that what they were saying was hurting they thought they were trying to help us feel better. I learned pretty quickly after Karen died to let those things go in one ear and out the other. I had enough pain to deal with without getting pi**ed at what people were saying. Love always Derek

What I found with Anti-depressants is that they help you level off. It numbs some of the pain but not all of it. You are still able to feel and to deal with your emotions as when you are working with your counsolor. But it sounds like you are going up and down in very large hills and valleys. The anti-depresants will level you in-between those hills and valleys. As far as taking some time off from work, if you have the time to take and can do it then take a few days off without feeling guilty about taking it. You need some time for yourself every now and then. Love always Derek

Thank you so much all of you for your thoughts and prayers. Thank you Wendy for posting this as well. Karen wasn't much of a skier so this was something all together different. Being that I was out of town and away from home, I think it made the day go by fairly easy. I tought about it for just a little bit and was thankful for the time I had with Karen and the life I got to enjoy with her. There were no tears this time, just happy memories. Thanks again. Love always Derek

I agree, you sound like you are expecting it all to be better in a month or so. I was only married 11 years when my wife died and it took at least a year before I started feeling better. I don't know if you arer getting this from others or not. But you will find that people in the world whoo have not loss their spouse will think you should be getting over it by now. Just remember this...each of us has our own time period for grieving, it takes time. Don't let anyone influence you into thinking that you need to do things at certain time periods, that includes going through and getting rid of or boxing up thier belongings. You do that when and only when you are ready. You can do this, there are a lot of people on this site that have been where you are today and have gotten through it. Just do it one day at a time, keep coming here and posting, it doesn't matter if it sounds like you are whinning or complaining, that is what we are here for to give each other help and an understanding ear as we go through these difficulties. This first year will be one of the worse, as you come up on the "Firsts" birthday, anniversary, holiday, etc... It will take time for it to get better, there will be times where it seems to get better and then wham! something hits you and you feel like you are at the begining again. It is all normal all of us I believe have experienced that especially during the first year. I hope some of this helps you to understand what to expect during the upcoming months, and I hope you continue to come here as this place has been a lifesaver for so many of us. Love always Derek

Teny, I took me a long while to go to sleep without medication but the day will come. April will have a lot of things for you to work through. They will be painful but I believe they will be healing as well. Easter does symbolize death however at the same time it celebrates life and the eternal life we are given by the sacrafice of our Lord's son. By believing in Him, we are guareenteed everlasting life with Him and all of our loved ones gone before. They will be celebrating life with Him and one day we will also be with them. For now we are left with the lonliness and missing them. You have come a long way in the last few years, you still have a ways to go but you are doing it one day at a time, one step at a time. Hang in there. Love always Derek

They say not to make any major life changes during the first year of your loss. Is there anyway that you can put it off for awhile? I know it seems tough right now and you still need some healing time. If you still plan on moving, then see if one of his family would be willing to fly up and drive one of the cars back, the other can be towed behind the moving truck.

Wendy, Do something special for yourself today, pamper yourself. My hopes are that the day will be easier for you than you expect it will. I know for me it was. My thoughts and prayers are with you and everyone else here who knows the pain we have been through. Love always Derek

There is no way that anything you did could have been the cause, you were going by what an expert (The doctor) told you or advised you. I had a question about my actions as well when Karen died. The night before we were to leave on vacation she felt a tingleing in her left arm. I used to to be an ECA and ride the ambulance so I knew the signs of a heart attack, but I also knew that Karen would get so nervous before a trip that she would make herself sick. We discussed it and decided to go to bed. THe next morning she felt fine and we left for the airport. When we arrived at the hotel on the bus, she went to get up and colasped. She had a major heart attack and there was nothing that they could do. I did something however to help myself and asked a nurse, that if I had taken her to the hospital the night before, would she still be here? The nurse told me that the severity of the heart attack would have ended with the same results. Even if she had been in the hospital, there wouldn't have been anything they could have done, the only difference is that she died doing something she loved to do and that was traveling with me and my son and some friends to Disney World instead of dying in the hospital. March 18th would have been our 14th anniversary so I know the difficulties that are coming up for you. I hope your trip here to Ft. Worth is as pleasant as it can be considering the circumstances. I know this is easier said than done, but don't think about the what if's, or the descisions made during that time you were only going by the advise that professionals were giving you. He could have developed the infection from the staples remaining in and you would have still had the same result. I pray that yo will find some peace in this. Love always Derek

I believe with all my heart that we will see them again. I don't think of it as just something people say just to cope. No one has all the answers but the Bible does give a lot of insight. I know this, I would rather believe in Jesus and Heaven and be wrong than not to believe and everyone else be right. Love always Derek