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kell84

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Everything posted by kell84

  1. i too have some really difficult issues to overcome w/ my mother. she died last november from complications of alzheimers disease. both her and my dad were alcoholics. he died 8 years ago this past sept 30. i have spent the last 10 mos or so just really trying to work on and begin to heal the old stuff. while my parents werent abusive, they simply were not there emotionally and by todays standards you could say there was neglect. ive been trying to work on forgiveness. for so many years i built up a wall to protect myself from being abandoned by her. i struggle w/ feeling anything about her. i dont think ive really helped give you any advice, but i just want you to know that you are not alone.
  2. My dad died almost 4 months ago. I was his main caregiver and he died in my home with us and hospice by his side. It was a life changing experience for me. Can't even put it into words yet. But I've changed. hs mom, im not quite sure why but when i read your words "but ive changed" it just brought on so many tears. i have been/felt so shut down for weeks now. its been so hard to bring my grief to the surface. very long long story but at the same time that i have been working on grieving the loss of my mother (in november) i have also been doing my own weeding and tending my own garden. i am currently working on some very old issues (both my parents who now are deceased, were both alcoholics) while i didnt have close relationships w/ either of my parents, my mothers illness (alzheimers) and subsequent death have been the catalist for me to beging a new chapter in my life...a healthier one. life altering events (such as a death) i think are wake up calls for us all to really evaluate our lives and who we choose to keep in our circle. i too am weeding out those people who bring me down. good luck in your journey.
  3. im sorry about your dad. i lost my mom this past november due to complications from alzheimers disease. whatever her reason, your sil should have acknowledged your loss. you have a right to feel hurt. just as you have the right to do what you want in terms of going to the wedding or not.
  4. i lost my dad 8 years ago and my mom in november. in april it was my moms birthday, then easter then mothers day. all i can say is im glad that is over. i found all these first holidays difficult to get through. although i have to say, with my dad it has gotten easier over the years. on tuesday my first born graduated kindergarten and for me not having my parents there was excruciating. i tried to tell myself that they were there in spirit. i also reminded myself that both my children now have 2 guardian angels watching out for them.
  5. i dont know where to begin so here it goes. first off my mom died in november in a nursing home, i was holding her hand when she took her last breath. i have been a stay at home mom for the last 4 years. my field is occupational therapy in sub acute setting (aka nursing home). part of why i havent worked in this setting for the last few years even though i could have, was because of my mom being in a nursing home and i just couldnt handle it. i recently had a very part time job opportunity literally fall into my lap, right in my town etc etc. i started orientation on friday and actually had my first day of work yesterday. now of course i was nervous about starting a new job (who isnt) and to top it off because of being exposed to tb a number of years ago they want me to have a chest xray done because i cant have the skin test done anymore. so im anxious about that, because i am of course convinced they will find something! but i digress, this isnt what this is about. anyway, i go to work yesterday and actually feel really great about it. i didnt realize how much i missed working w/ the elderly and how much i miss working as an ot. i really and truly love it. anyway, last night i was having major anxiety. i couldnt figure out "why". so i start telling my husband who says "i think its from just being in the nursing home today, its making you think of your mom" so as soon as he said that my anxiety dropped literally about 75%! so i guess im just "venting" here to try to get myself to think/feel about this. ive got to go to work again today!
  6. thank you so much for your kind words of encouragement and understanding
  7. im really glad to have found this sight. my mother died over thanksgiving weekend from complications of alzheimers diesease. from diagnosis to her death was 3 years. 5 mos in assisted living and the last 2 1/2 years in a nursing home. initially i felt a tremendous amount of relief. she had deteriorated so much in the last few months of her life that her quality of life was nill. in the last three years it felt like i lost bits and pieces of her along the way. i still vividly feel the hurt & devistation i felt the day i walked into her room and she said "im sorry i dont know who you are". the other piece of my puzzle is that in the last year of her life i started to really address my past issues w/ her. both her and my father (who died 8 years ago from a heart attack) were alcoholics. while i am on my own road to recovery in terms of that it is still very much a struggle to work on grieving her death. when i feel sad im almost perplexed by my emotions. because of her alcoholism it really prevented her from being a present, connected parent to me. i essentially had no relationship w/ her. but on the flip side when i am numb, i feel guilty like i "should" feel more than i do. in addition to all of this, i have also been dealing w/ and accepting the fact that my 3 yo son has asthma. since feb hes had one illness after another (which is his major trigger) so ive had many a scary days/nights worrying about him. yesterday i was just an absolute mess. my husband suggested that i go to the cemetary and it really helped to bring up some feelings. it also helped me find this site. anyway, thats my story. thanks for reading.
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