trying2cope,
Oh God! *HUGS* I've just gone through nearly this exact same thing! My dad passed away suddenly on the 30th of January. He was 58 years old (sudden heart attack) I'm 30 years old with an 8 mos old son. For me, I just haven't accepted it yet. That first night was just hell on Earth, I couldn't stop shaking (actually, I've been shaking MOST days) but I just wanted to escape, have it not be what it was. I can hear my mother telling me (my dad always told me bad news) then I had to tell my one brother. There are things I can try to be thankful for. How it happened so fast and he didn't feel any pain; that it was a long time for him to live (even one hundred years ago...) and that my Dad had a really fulfilling last year: he saw his son get married, and his daughter have his first grandchild (& got to know him -- he was over 5 days before he passed). But it's excruciating, just the same. I can't seem to articulate how I feel. Numb. Like someone ripped me in two and took a huge chunk of me away. Like suddenly nothing has any meaning or makes sense. But on the contrary, how evermore important it is for me to really 'live'. And really 'live' for my son. It's freaking me about about my son losing us too, or losing him. My dad was my support network, second to my spouse. I don't know how I'm going to get by without him. But more than that, I can't stop picturing his final days. Today, in 1:29 minutes my dad will have died precisely a week ago... I keep thinking of all the things we had planned, and they're too painful that they just disappear and I can't remember what I was thinking about. And I know I don't want to remember it either. My mother is a very fragile person, emotionally, so it's complicating things. My father looked after her, primarily. I feel the most bad for her. Because she has to sell the house (too big, too expensive), their cottage (her weekend retreats) and the family business (which he ran solely). Not only did her spouse die, but she lost her job (retiring now), her home, and her extracurricular activities. I mean, she lost EVERYTHING! We're trying to do everything for her to wrap things up but even that is just too sad. Too much. And I feel like it's forcing myself out of my grief. Activities are good, but this all seems like too much. I feel like I'm drowning every night. I can't breathe, my limbs are heavy and feel like dead weight. And even though he's gone, I saw his body, touched him, tried even to bring him back, and held his ashes at his funeral (& had his funeral), I still can't believe he is gone. Like how can he be? We all just saw him? We just had Christmas? All the future stuff, my son taking his first steps in our family house, my dad playing with him in the years to come, all that stuff we'd planned to do, Grampa and him. I feel sooooo cheated for my son. And my poor brothers didn't even have children yet (my brother has been trying for three months now...) and he'll never know them. And I really, really, really don't want to lose my s*** permenantly because of this. You know? Like it wouldn't be of service to him, or anyone else. And I'm so afraid that if I let in the reality of this, I might never emerge from how painful it is going to be. And I'm afraid of the time when I can no longer imagine things happening any differently than they already have. Right now I can't believe my dad actually died young. (I should mention his mother and father lived into their 90's and his older brother and sister and nearly 80. He was so, so, so young compared to the family's track record. WE NEVER THOUGHT HE WOULD DIE THIS WAY!) Like I can't believe I suddenly don't have a dad, that I won't have one in the future. And there is so much to do, and people to remain strong for and support instead of myself, that I just keep chugging forward even though I've run out of steam entirely...
