cyndy

KayC I hope you can get over that feeling. I know it so well! Other military wives, wanting to believe that it couldn't happen to them, were telling stories about what a bitch I was (they had never even met me) and that the baby I was carrying was not my husband's. I left that man with a 4 year old, while I was 6 months pregnant, and OUR children are now 20 and 15. He has not spoken to them or seen them since the divorce. The pain of being a scapegoat is hard to get over. Was I a victim or a scapegoat? Does it matter? No, it doesn't. My husband now is not a scapegoat, he loves me and knows that I loved another and I still mourne for him. Now my sister has died, so I am a total mess. But all we ever have are our memories. NEVER let anyone take away your memories of George, or how much you loved him!

Cate, I can understand wht you are going through, hopefully in a way that helps. My ex-husband was the standard "one in every port" sailor. Yes, he was a Coast Guard pilot, and could run a ship anywhere. Unfortunately, I also ended up with some interesting diseases before the divorce! (in fact, they were the reason for the divorce). That, however, is not the reason I am posting. I remarried several years after I left my ex, but I had a love between the two who has recently died. It's all posted under the "Why do I feel this way" post. If you read it, you will see that I deeply loved another man before I met my husband. I mourne him, I miss him, and I still love him. That does not mean that I do not love the man that is now snoring on my couch! My husband is beyond belief, especially since he accepts that I mourne the man I still love! Crazy, isn't it? Kinda like your man? Loving his wife while he never forgot another woman that he also loved? I never cheated on my husband, but my ex cheated on me. In fact, my ex-husband moved his girlfriend into my house while I was six months pregnant with our youngest! Sounds like Jerry Springer stuff, but it's true. What I want to say is, don't hate him. You have the love and the life you shared. If he gave something to another woman, does it really matter? Does it take away what you had? Does it somehow lessen your love? I know the feeling of a cheating spouse. I understand the pain of feeling that you weren't enough. Believe me, I've been there! But, you can't do that to yourself. My wonderful husband refuses to do that to himself. He knows about my lost love, the one who died, the one I posted about. He KNOWS that I miss that man, but I also love the man who made my life complete. The anger will be there, and I am willing to help you and be there any way I can. But please do not let go of the love the two of you shared. Somehow, my husband has held on to that through the grief that I am going through. Either grief that you feel I will do all I can to help. Cyndy

Ann, I know the pain you are talking about. My Robbie would have been 25 in January. I have raised several children since then, 2 of my own, 2 stepchildren, and several of my children's friends who just needed a place to stay. I was 16 when he died. My parents were going to send me away. His father had already left, he was 18 and my parents were pressing charges. I used to hold my belly, and talk to my son. He moved, and kicked. I know he heard me. He knew I loved him. One day he stopped kicking. The next day I went to the hospital. Everyone told me how lucky I was, that I could have my life back. They didn't understand that I didn't want my life, if my Robbie wasn't in it. How could I be lucky? Why was his death the best thing that could have happened to me? Everyone swore that it was. I know now that I would have given him up. If he'd lived, he'd look me up now, and ask me why I gave him up. I could tell him that he was my only solace at night, that his kicking and his moving saw me through the darkest time of my life. I had dissapointed my parents so they didn't want me anymore. None of my friends would talk to me. This was the early 80's, everyone had sex but no one had the consequence! I might be contagious. I never thought of him as a consequence. He was a gift, a joy. He was never born. I remember the emergency room, when they were prepping me for the D&C after my baby died. They put a green plastic garbage bag under me before the anasthesia. I will never forget that my precious son, my Robbie, was born dead in a garbage bag. Hopefully they don't do that anymore. Yes, a miscarriage is a death. I loved my son. I would have done whatever it took to give him a good life, and I never forgot him.

Kayc I am glad that you understand. My lost love and I haven't spoken for 8 years. I have a wonderful husband now who helped me raise my children, and I helped raise his. We have been through lay-offs, bankruptcy, loss of dreams, sick kids, loss of homes, and so many horrible times that you couldn't imagine...maybe you could. But we also go places on weekends, and this weekend just drove until we found a hotel and a place we wanted to check out. We have our good times and stick together through our bad. I have a wonderful life with my husband, so that makes this agony I feel over my lost love worse. I'm happy that he found someone he could love and spend his life with. I was obviously not that person. But I miss him, and I never stopped loving him. I just want to see his grave, sit down there and talk to him, like we used to talk. Maybe I want to know that he's really gone...his death was so mysterious, with no one allowed to talk about it. Or visit him. At least I talked to the funeral director, who let me know that he was really gone. I was a little crazy until then. The letter I have written him is the crazy thoughts we all have, and the fantacies we have with our lost loved ones. Did we fantacize something that never happened? I think we all did. That's why my husband and I take lots of trips and have an official date every friday night with no children. He's 15 years older than me, and I refuse to wonder "what if" if he leaves this earth before I do. I've been disabled and sick, so he refuses to have the same regrets. I can't post the letter I wrote him, but someday I will read it to him. I'm sure that I'll find his grave, and I'll finally be able to let him go. Thanks for understanding. Another thing...When we talked, so many years ago, I told him how much I loved to drive. I was a single parent, and I'm one of those crazy people who turns the stero full blast and drives like a maniac when I need to get away from daily life. Driving, being in control of the car and speeding, going through curves at high speed, downshifting, that was my way to get through. He hated driving. He said he got lost, and didn't know how to have fun in a car. He died driving a Corvette, witnesses say he lost control of the car. I feel like it's my fault. I let him know that a high-powered car could let all of your stressors go, that the speed and concentration could empty the mind. Just for the people reading this...I think that the emphasis should be on the word concentration...you can't drive like I do unless you really know what you're doing. Concentration is just as important as a space-shuttle pilot, that's why it's stress reducing. Don't try this at home!!! I still drive, right now I'm negotiating on a 4.6L V8 2002 Eldorado with a 12 disk CD changer (you can hear all of the men on this site sigh)but he didn't like to drive. I keep wondering...did he buy that car because of something I said? Did I cause his death? Was he trying my stress-reliever, without knowing how dangerous that is? You have to know how to drive in order to properly use a high performance vehicle, you can't just buy one and hope for the best! I want to hit him for that! I drove today in my little 5-speed manual, over 300 miles through curving country roads, and yelled at him. I told him how to properly handle a car! Maybe I should have told him that 8 years ago. Since he died in a car, especially one I know he could not handle if he drove it properly, I will always feel like it's my fault.

Walt's son I am praying for his swift recovery. Please let him know how much he means to us all. He has helped us with his no-nonsense compassion and the love he gives everyone. My best to you. If you need to talk, we are here.

No, the "immediate family" which included only 10 people (and none of his children) were the ones who placed the notice in his file...that no one was to know where he was buried. The people from the cemetary could not tell me where he was, as his next of kin did not want it known. They could have been sued. I have been to this cemetary several times, and can't find him. Actually, his ex-wife and his current(?)girlfriend both threw a giant hissy fit at his funeral. According to the attendent, it was quite a scene. I find it amusing, as my lost love had a great sense of humor. While I was wandering around, looking for his grave, I asked him "Damn, what did you do?" All I could think was that three women in his life could not let go. His ex wife, his old love, and his current girlfriend. He was really special, when you consider how much we all loved him. It was a good thing I hadn't been there! I'm an old fashioned Texas redneck, and it would have been ugly if I'd seen them fighting at his funeral. I would have joined and made a complete ass out of myself. As it is, the only way I know who the current girlfriend is, is by checking probate court. I only did that because I couldn't find his death certificate, an obituary, or anything official to say that he'd died, so I couldn't get it into my head that he'd really died. I had to know for sure. Well, if he isn't dead, someone's taken all of his money for no reason. I have thought about sending flowers to his current girlfriend. I have to pass the intersection where he died quite often. She has to pass it every day, and go home to an empty house. I have thought about sending her my sympathies, and asking her where he is buried. Unfortunately, she seemed to be a little posessive and I'm a little scared to ask. I may be able to introduce myself as an old student, and since I can't find his grave without help, I think I'll do that. I am kind of afraid to post his letter. Some of it is pornographic, but I can leave that out. You all understand the pain, the anger, so it may help as long as I leave out the names and places. Thanks again Cyndy

Ann, I hope that getting out all of your pain here is helping. I know that it did help me, to say all of the "crazy" things that have been building up in hy head since my lost love died. I guess I have way too much time on my hands. I am disabled now and can't work, so I stay home with nothing to do. That gives me time to think. My proffessor's friend couldn't tell me where he was buried because he didn't know. I found that really strange, so I went to the cemetary near where he used to live and asked if he was buried there, and where I could find his grave. The kind attendant remembered his name and that he had helped set up the funeral, but could not tell me where he was buried. The family would not allow anyone to know where his grave was. He remembered the ceremony because his ex-wife (divorced 16 years)and his current girlfriend were fighting through the ceremony! There were only 10 people there, and all were family. No friends, none of his students. Nobody who loved him was allowed at his funeral! We also can't find his grave! I tried, but the cemetary was huge and the old graves and new are mixed together. Needless to say, I lost it. I sat in my car in the cemetary screaming at him, trying to find him. I'm Catholic, I know that he isn't really there. But it would have meant a lot to me to see his grave. I also checked the internet and found out that his girlfriend had applied for his social security and put his estate into probate only 6 days after he died. Now I'm morning his loss, and angry because the ones who should have loved him were so heartless. Why will they not allow anyone to know where is is! He was a fabulous scientist with connections and friends all over the world, why couldn't they be at his funeral? I've written him a letter, telling him everything I feel and how angry I am, both for dumping me and for dying. I wanted to read it at his grave, then burn it, hoping I could get over the loss of him. Now, I think I'll just read it in general, at the cemetary or the school where he used to teach. I have to move on, but I just can't seem to let go.

Tori, I, too, am on this site because I feel ashamed of my emotions. I am relatively young, but I have buried friends and loved ones, and was strong enough for everyone else to lean on. Two friends of mine with cancer came to me for strength and just to talk before they died, then their families cried on my shoulder. When my daughter was on life support after an illness, I held my husband and other children while they cried. I raised children on my own in poverty after my first husband left me to be with my best friend, and through it all I never needed anyone else. I cried, but in control. I mourned, but I was always the strong one. Now a love that I haven't even talked to in 8 years died, and I have completely fallen apart. I can't imagine why this hurts so bad, when I was able to deal with all of the other losses in my life. I feel so lost and alone, while I have a wonderful family and a loving husband who all understand that I am having a hard time, but I can't get my strength back! I cry so much now, when others used to cry to me. I also feel like I can't cry with anyone else. My life and his have not been connected for 8 years, so I feel that I don't have the right to mourn. Others knew him better, so I shouldn't suffer. WRONG!!! For some reason, I can't bounce back from this loss like I always have before. Please keep coming here. These are wonderful people who have never told me that I'm out of line for my feelings, so they will definately understand yours. Also try counseling. Spending the first few hours in tears is nothing to be ashamed of. The ones we love are worth our tears. Sometimes I wonder if something was wrong with me for a very long time, as I was able to go through death and loss with strength and few tears. Maybe what we are going through now is normal, and before was a little off!

Amy, I sm so sorry for the loss of your brother. And the loss of the other brother. The one you are worried about is Chris, the one who lived. Forgive me, but I see a lot of ME in your posting. Instead of mourning what you have lost, you are worried about saving the other brother. I'm sorry, dear, but you can't. All you can do is love, and mourne, and let him do the same. Right now it sounds like you are trying to save "the baby" in order to hide your own feelings. Let me tell you as one who knows, you can't mourne someone with another unless you are willing to let go and cry together, and be angry together, and YOU have to let your personal feelings show. The hardest part about mourning is letting others know that WE hurt, that WE are not always strong and perfect. Maybe that's why Chris won't let you save him. You have to be real with him. Then maybe he'll trust what you SAY is for the best, if he knows that you don't KNOW what is for the best!

KayC, When I was with my lost love, we never had any kind of physical relationship. We couldn't...I was in his class. We met and talked, which as all women know, was more intimate than any lovemaking. During my dream, he showed up on my turf, my classroom, instead of his. In life, we had always met in his office; on his turf. Even in my dream, we never kissed. We never had any physical relationship. I was so angry when I found out that he had died...why didn't he kiss me when he said goodbye? We will never know. Like I said in my other post...ghosts are perfect. If they are so perfect, why don't they let us feel what they felt for us in our dreams? Why are the dreams the same as when they left us?

I have to say that I'm afraid it's easier to fantacize about a dead person and what could have been than to make a life with a live person, which takes quite a lot of effort and energy and is filled with the ordinary everydayness and all of the problems that go with life. Thank you, KayC. You are right. Now, whenever I go through the trials of everyday life, I wonder what my lost love would have done. It is easy to be in love with a ghost. They always act the way we want, and say what we want to hear. The everyday "did you pay this bill" doesn't fit with ghosts. And the fights don't either. Ghosts are perfect. That's why I'm lucky...my husband understands. He had another love before he met me, but she is still alive and calls often. My love is only in my heart, which is the worst place for him to be. He was never human, never lost his temper, never had a hangover, and never woke up with morning breath! He never had 5:00 shadow. He never did the normal daily things that made me want to leave my husband, but after 6 years, kept me here. Believe it or not, I do know what I have. I have an overweight, bald man, sleeping on the couch, snoring so loud it sounds like trucks downshifting on the highway! I also have a man who held my hand and cried when my daughter was on life support for a rare illness, and who told suiters of the same daughter that he had a gun (we live in Texas) to make my life easier at midnight. I have another daughter, who does not introduce him as "stepfather", she tells her friends that that know how dad's are,and ignores him as all teenagers do thier parents. Therein I see the danger. Keep in mind that this man did NOT pursue a relationship with you, so whatever might have been is a moot point. You are so right. My lost love is perfect...because he IS lost! I can never have him for whatever reason. I dream and fantacize about him. I want him more now than I did when he was alive...but like I said before, a ghost always says what you want. He is never mad , he is never too tired, he is always perfect. Thank you for helping me remember that my REAL life is more perfect than I could imagine.

My professor's friend refused to meet with me and talk about him..I guess his death is still weighing hard on all who knew him. My husband understands, so I guess I'm lucky. We talked about my lost love tonight. I couldn't go into details about our relationship, but I'm married to a wonderful man who understands that I had a full life before I met him. He also understands that I need to mourne, and that is the best part. I can mourne my lost love, without feeling like I'm cheating on my husband! Thank you both for giving me the courage to talk to my husband about him. Cyndy

12mchic, I do understand what you're going through. I feel like I ought to be able to just say "Oh, he died. That's awful" and go on with my life, like we do when we read about the death of a celebrity or someone we never knew. I want to say that he was brilliant and kind, a good man, and go on with my life. Do you imagine what would have happened if you'd stayed together? I find myself wondering if, instead of email or phone calls, I had gone to his office and talked to him again. Would he still have dumped me? I'll never know, and I wonder if my pride kept us apart. I felt then like I let him know that I wanted to be with him, and the rest was up to him. Now I wonder if that was enough. I didn't want to be a stalker, and we have all had people we are not interested in that will not leave us alone. I refused to do that, I always thought that he would have come to me if he wanted me. Now I wonder if I did enough. Did he think that I dumped him? I can never know what he thought of me, or if he was just flattered by my attention but never saw me like I saw him. It doesn't really matter. I have a wonderful life now, and he is not part of it. He has not been part of my life for eight years. That's why I am having a hard time dealing with my reaction to his death. No matter how much I loved him, it was so long ago and I feel like I should be over him by now. I hope we can both understand what's happening to us, grieve, and go on with life.

Marty, Thank you. I feel guilty when I mourn, like I don't appreciate my husband or love him...and I do. I can't explain what I feel to anyone. When I mourne my lost love, I feel ungrateful for all God has given to me. I feel like he has given me so much..what right do I have to grieve over what I lost? When I fantasize about what could have been, I feel like I'm cheating on my husband. I sent an email to my lost love's best friend, asking him to meet to talk about the one we both lost. Maybe if I see that smile through someone else's eyes, and hear the love from his friend, I can go on with the reality of my life. Again thank you for allowing me to hurt and to grieve, Cyndy

I also had a dream about my lost love. It happened before I knew that he died. In fact, if I hadn't had this dream, I wouldn't have known he died. In the dream, he came to my classroom (before my illness I was a high school teacher) and sat on one of my tables. We talked like we used to, the way that I now miss so much. I saw his adorable,shy smile again for the last time. As the dream continued, everything disappeared except he and I. I can't remember what we talked about, but I remember feeling the love and excitement I always felt when we met and talked. After that dream, I felt the need to see him again. I fought it, a married woman should not look up an old love! My daughter needed some research material for a paper she was writing, so I relented and visited the college he taught at. While there, I found out about his death 5 months earlier in a car accident. I feel now like he wanted to tell me goodbye. Like he came to me in a dream so I would know about his death. I am still holding on to that dream, but sometimes I wish I had never had it. I want to still think of him as alive and out of reach, just "someone I used to know". Confusing, isn't it? I'm glad he said goodbye, but I don't want to know that he's gone.

Kelly, Thank you. I feel like I have no right to grieve, especially here. People here are hurting from REAL losses, the loss of a spouse or a child or someone else they saw everyday and counted on, and loved. I haven't seen him for 8 years, so I felt selfish posting. I never thought he was still important to me. I feel like I'm mourning a dream, not a real person. I can't speak to my family about this, and none of my friends knew him. I have no one to talk to about this. Why do I miss him so much now? I want to talk about him. I miss his smile, the way he laughed, and all of the mannerisms that make a person special and unique. I want to grieve. I read about the stages of grief, of course, and I seem to jump around all of the stages constantly. I AM angry at him, both for dumping me and for the stupid way he died. I also deny, since there is no grave or memorial to visit, it is easy to imagine him still alive. I think that I accept it, then it starts all over again. I feel so selfish because I have a family to take care of and a husband who loves me, and I have no right to live in the past. The needs of the living must be met, but I have trouble dragging myself through the normal daily routine. I blame my illness for my inability to function, my family understands my "bad days" and doesn't expect much from me when I have them. Then I feel guilty for lying to everyone and using an illness as an excuse to retreat from life. I talked to my husband they day after I found out he died, and we talked about him as a man who gave so much to his students and the world, and how he was a wonderful man. I didn't tell my husband about our relationship, just that we flirted a little. I can't share this with him, because I know it would bother me if he fantasized about an old girlfriend! Thank you for listening. I feel that writing about him helps. I just need to find out how to let him go and go one with my real life.

Eight years ago I fell in love. He was wonderful! I was a single mom, going to college, and he was my professor. Not as bad as it sounds, I was 33 and knew exactly what I was doing. I had been divorced for 7 years and never really dated after my divorce. He was everything I ever looked for in a man. We didn't date while I was in his class, we both agreed that it wouldn't be right. We did, however, spend many wonderful hours in his office, talking about everything and nothing. We spent a year getting to know each other. I fell more in love every day. After my final exam in his class, I was so excited. I was sure we would spend a wonderful summer getting to know each other in a more romantic atmosphere. That never happened. He didn't return my calls or emails, and never spoke to me again. I was heartbroken and never understood why he dumped my like that. He really seemed to enjoy the time we spent together. He looked forward to our talks as much as I did. Since then I have married a wonderful man, who has been a great stepfather to my children and a wonderful husband. He loves me and supports me in all I do. I have recently become disabled due to a rare illness and my husband is wonderful in taking care of me and understanding all that I am going through. A month ago I found out that my professor "love" had died in a one-car accident 6 months ago. I feel like I'm going crazy!!! For months after he dissappeared, I had wondered "why" and "what if", but I thought I was all over that by now. It's been 8 years, I made a life without him, and I never even thought about him. Well, not very much. But now, I can't seem to get over him. I find myself fantacizing about what would have happened if we'd been together, dreaming about him, and wanting him again. I emailed his best friend (another professor of mine) and asked about his grave, so I could say goodbye. I was told that his gravesite is not to be published, that his wishes were that nobody knows where he is. He had no funeral, no obituary, and has no marker. This makes me even crazier. I now have fantasies that he survived the accident but doesn't want anyone to know. Like he faked his own death. His only memorial is the college where he taught. I went there two days ago to say goodbye. I sat in the parking lot, cried, yelled at him, called him names,screamed at him for dumping me, and got even madder that he died in a single car accident. How could he be so stupid! Was he drinking? Did he fall asleep? I will never know, and I'm furious! He gave the world so much! His discoveries in the field of chemistry were life-changing, and he had so many students who he taught to change the world! Why do I feel like this? He wasn't important in my life. We never even dated, it was just a flirtation several years ago. But now I feel like I lost a spouse or a lover, and I didn't! Can someone please help me understand? What is happening to me?