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ljn

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Everything posted by ljn

  1. Just got back from the dermatologist. Now waiting for biopsy results. I'm torn between hoping it's something deadly enough to just be done with all this and put me out of my misery. Or a good prognosis to give more time to Nikki my 8 yr old cattle dog/border collie and replace the second love of my life Taj our 12 yr old choc siamese that I had to put down 9/11. After loosing Barbara 12/09 he's what has kept me going. We'd read the mail and paper together, him curled in my arm. Couldn't be on the computer without being given directions, with a toy mouse to throw for a game of fetch. He always knew when I needed that extra attention when depression took hold, kisses and extra cuddles. Everyone wants the dog, but would not take the cat. Found that out back in '07 when I did the whole breast cancer thing (been cancer free 4 yrs). So as of now I'm still here due mostly to him. I never thought or wanted to be here this long without Barbara. It's been 21 months and the wound is still so raw. I miss her so. She was my best friend and the love of my life for 26 years. We stayed pretty much to ourselves which makes it so lonely now. Now with the both of them gone the house is pardone the expression, "quite as a tomb". No ambition to see anyone do anything, the wash, dusting, vacuuming, shoping, cooking, dishes......I wander the house, sit on the computer and play games, rarely answer calls, I'm slowly falling apart. I guess the biopsy will be the deciding factor. Put all my affairs in order and wait or shape up and look forward to some new life and a new member of the family. As I said right now I'm torn..............Lynn
  2. Dave, I lost my partner, best friend, the love of my life on 12/19/09 after 26 years together. She blacked out in the kitchen and broke her right hip and fractured her left hand. The paramedics said her blood sugar had dropped to 36, causing the black out. I understand the guilt of not dealing with the problem sooner. She had fallen about 3x in that year, mostly getting off the sofa or off the bed so the falls were short and cushioned by the carpeting, and not total blackouts. Still, she wasn't able to get up off the floor and I had to help drag her back onto a chair or the bed. I wanted to call 911 to help her up and check her out, but Barbara was so stubborn and threatened me not to call for help. We had no idea that she was having blood sugar problems. If we'd known she would probably still be here. She had surgery, that they say went well, but had problems with the anesthesia and intubation tube. It took 3 days to get the tube out due to her throat closing. Then another surgery to clean the incisions due to infection. Which meant another bout of anesthesia and intubation which they couldn't get the tube out again. She never regained consciousness, not that they had her awake much the whole time there. The infection was too much and the incisions just wouldn't knit, so she was moved to hospice where she passed after 3 days. Fell 12/2, passed 12/19. Till then the absolute worst couple weeks of my life. I only wish we could have spoken and I could have told her how so very much I was still in love with her. I blame myself every day for not standing up to her and calling for help before it got to this. The couple times she was able to speak she wanted me to take her home. I only wish I could have. I was the one that she helped through breast cancer back in '07, and I couldn't get her through a broken hip! Life has been miserable. Ended up with pneumonia that January, still can't wake up and just relax in bed, I get sick to my stomach and have to get up. Last Dec. one year anniversary, came down with a case of shingles over the stress. Stay awake till I can't anymore so I go right to sleep when I lay down, and up as soon as my eyes open. So bed times about 1-2 am wake up time 5:30-6 am. I try get a nap in the recliner sometime during the day, but then just feel headachy and groggy. It's been just over a year and a half and I still miss Barbara so much. We pretty much kept to ourselves so there's not much in the way of support here. I have the dog to walk so I at least have to go out with her, and the cat to take care of. He's been my shadow since Barbara's gone, follows me around when I'm up, sleeping on my shoulder if I'm sitting. Barbara was his snuggle buddy and I know he's also lost without her. I've been to a few of the hospice meetings but the glbt one is a 78 mile round trip, so I don't go much. I have been reading the posts here for awhile but this is the first time I've written anything. Just feeling so down and wanted to let you know your not the only one hurting today... Lynn
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