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Grief Healing Discussion Groups

Cali3

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  • Date of Death
    November 10, 2010
  • Name/Location of Hospice if they were involved:
    none
  1. Eddie, I just posted a message to you in my topic following your message to me. Peace.
  2. Eddie, I am so very sorry for your loss. I'm also so sorry I didn't say that to you in my other post to you. We lost my sister very suddenly and didn't get to say goodbye which was devastating to us, but after reading your message I can see that the heart-wrenching pain of having to watch your loved one suffer is so unbelievably painful to have to recover from. I honestly hope by posting and reading other people's stories here that you will find some peace, and be able to start living once again for yourself and your new family to be. I am so glad that you are actually able to cry and communicate with other people, even if it is only here on a discussion forum. I tried to connect with a male co-worker who lost his sister years ago in an accident, and I believe that he shut down on the topic shortly after she died. He never even acknowledged to me the loss of my sister (ever, and I get along with him!) and when I tried to ask him how he copes/d with it, he asked me what I was talking about! I think it is so much healthier to grieve and talk and acknowledge that this terrible thing has happened and how you are feeling about it. Try to be strong and don't allow despair to take over your life. It is NOT a sign that you are over her and life goes on like it doesn't matter. She wants you to continue to live your life (and by that I mean by doing whatever day to day stuff you have always done) and to have enjoyment again when you are ready. She KNOWS that you love her more than anything and would do anything to bring her back. Your new baby was meant to come along at this time to help you to get back to living your life. Everything does happen for a reason, and I'm not an overly "religious" person, but I am a spiritual person (I believe in God, angels and the afterlife). We had an amazing feeling of peace in the emergency room after she died - I believe that came from God and my sister. One of the hardest things I have come to realize is that every member of my family is grieving in their own way and none of us seem to be in the same place at the same time. There is a husband, parents and siblings left behind (no children of hers, but there are in-laws and nieces and nephews). There are days I have NOTHING to give, no matter how sad another family member is or needs me. We recently had a family gathering and even though we were able to laugh and joke around and even talk about my sister, I would have done anything for us all to just break down and cry together again and openly acknowledge how awful this is and how it has changed our family, but everyone else was working so hard to hold it together and not go there. It all takes time and every person grieves in their own way. Acceptance of a death is on so many levels. Here's a biggie - do you believe in the afterlife? My sister came to my other sister and I the morning after she died - and that was a HUGE moment for me. I was completely beside myself and don't think my radio was on. Suddenly very loudly the song "I can see clearly now" began to play on the radio. I instantly knew it was from her and I just sobbed with relief that she came to me in this way - music is very important to me and she knew that. Later my other sister told me what happened to her that morning also. I'm bawling now, typing this. There are some awesome books on the afterlife and communicating with our loved ones, if that would be helpful to you. I personally love the book Embraced by the Light by Betty J. Eadie (but not the sequel to it). I talk to my sister constantly and keep asking her to communicate with me again - I honestly believe she will one day. I know you are hurting so badly, and I hope some of this was helpful to you. Take care.
  3. Eddie, I so feel your pain. When I lost my sister, I also lost one of my best friends. It's the loss of a bond that is so hard for anyone who has not experienced this to understand. I have no wonderful words of advice because I find myself crying at the drop of a hat and just wish every day this horrible nightmare would end. What I did that helped me the most was that I put the picture boards together for her funeral. Then immediately after, I put together a video DVD of pictures of her. It took me a month to find just about every picture of her ever taken (seriously, this DVD has over 500 pictures!), to put them into chronological order, and then choose the right music. This helped me and made me cry something fierce. Most of my family has not yet been able to watch it, but in time I think they will enjoy it. I hope you have peace today
  4. Hope you are having a better day...embrace ANY day where you have peace....

  5. Niamh, I did something similar in the month after my sister passed. It was really therapeutic for me, but many in my family have still not been able to watch it (it's only been 3 months since she died). I hope in time they will be able to watch it and it is helpful for them. I also found several video clips with my sister in them, and for me that was such a blessing to be able to see her move and hear her voice. I am pretty much the camera nut in our family and had annoyed to no end the sister that passed away - I am so glad now that I did because otherwise no one else had very many pictures or any video clips of her.
  6. Thank you, Niamh, you are very kind! It's funny that you used the words "pink elephant in the room," because I have had that very thought myself when I'm with family.
  7. I just wanted to add that I am so sorry for your losses also, Nicholas and Niamh. I hope that you are both having a peaceful day, and again thank you for taking the time to reach out to me when I was feeling so low. Today is a much better day for me
  8. Nat, Thank you so very much - that is EXACTLY what I'm feeling! When I'm down I certainly am not looking for sympathy or for someone to take it away, but acknowledgement is such a powerful thing and does wonders for the grief in the moment. I think people who have not experienced it are just feeling awkward and have no idea what to say or do, so it comes off as appearing uncaring or whatever at times. I'm so sorry for the loss of your brother also, and I hope the next year is easier and more peaceful for you than the past one has been. Thank you again, you made my day!
  9. Thank you for your kind replies Nicholas and Niamh. It seems my whole life has been preparing me for this horrible time in my life. I used to be a very emotionally weak person, but situations and events in my life have "toughened" me up. For this I'm grateful, because I don't know how I would have gotten to this point in my grief otherwise. Our family is pretty close, but yet when we get together since her death I would love for us all to just cry together and acknowledge how awful it is that she's not there with us. But what happens instead is we talk and laugh - including about her - but no one wants to be the weak link to get everyone else bawling, so we all just pretend we are OK and we are clearly not. I had such a hard time at Christmas (only 6 weeks after she died), and even though I'm sure everyone else was feeling it too, they were bound and determined we were going to enjoy it and not talk about her or cry. I had to leave the room to cry at one point because they just weren't going to go there -- I tried to bring her up multiple times, but they just wouldn't do it, and we honestly are not an avoidance type of family. We pretty much say it like it is - not always good - but I think this is just such an unexpected and horrible thing in our lives that it's just they way they are dealing with it. Again, thank you for your kind words, it is helpful to hear it from someone else who has actually experienced it too - we're all in this together!
  10. Hi, This is my first post here, after reading through several of your posts. This seems to be a caring friendly place, and I'm suddenly having a very hard time in my grief after doing pretty good for a while. I cried in church and at work recently, and my co-workers clearly think I should be past this crying, even though this is the first time I have cried at work (that anyone saw me!). My 39 yr old sister died totally unexpectedly of a heart attack in November. Our family has accepted her death, and we are emotionally strong, but grief of a young person is so completely different than grief of an older person who lived a full life. I'm having a hard time with other people who have not experienced the death of a younger person, and who truly believe that the death of their 85 year old parent or 90 year old grandparent is exactly the same as your grief. I have experienced the death of elderly grandparents and an elderly in-law. While any death is obviously a loss and no matter hold old or sick they are, you miss them. But a younger person was still such an active part in your life, and they did NOT get to live a full life. They are the one you went to for support, fun, give-and-take of regular every day life, and the impact of their death is much more magnified. Sometimes it makes me angry, but then I remember how I was before this happened to me. We just forget about other people's grief so quickly. We remember that a person special to them has died, but we just expect them to move on fairly quickly and "accept" what has happened. Accepting death has a totally new meaning for me, now that I'm on the other side. I have accepted that she is gone, but I just MISS her so badly. I wish every single day that we could go back in time and prevent this, but we can't. I wish every single day I'd wake up from this awful dream and be able to talk to her and touch her again, but I can't. I can't bear the thought of having another family picture taken because the whole family can never be together again. I don't want any more family Christmas gatherings because it's just not right. Sorry, I've been crying so much again lately, and I just feel like such a mess! Thanks for reading my story!
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