l2mchic

yeah it took me too long to realize what you did, that talking to her does not help. I also found out some pretty upsetting things about their relationship overlapping with our relationship when it was "open." I'm glad you got to spend time with a close friend who also reminds you of him! That's great. "instead of my ex-boyfriend with huge unresolved issues being killed in a car accident" ....this is pretty much exactlyyyy how i wanted to describ brandon to everyone. it was tough, but i guess i dont lean towards saying that anymore. ttyl:)

Derek, thanks for the reply! i've heard the, well just eat! but honestly sometimes, that's the last thing i want to do. But I have told my psychologist and when i go next i'll tell her i'm back in the rut. Thanks for the reccommendation of that book. I'll definitely look into it. Grieving as fast as you can does not seem so bad. i know there's a time to be sad and a time to move on, and i'd like to move on. thanks again..this is a great message board, seems like lots of people are ready and willing to help:)

i decided to post after reading the last two. I can relate, but it is differnt for me, clearly because my husband did not die. My first love did die however when he was only 21, and me being 20..which was 10 months ago. I'm sure a lot of how we feel is differnt, but apparently some similar too. This past summer he died, I was just sad and felt like i was on auto pilot. After going back to college for the first semester, after a week I felt not too bad. My mood raised a little being super busy with school and all my friends. However after awhile home for winter break i started getting depressed and anxious. On and off this past semester has been hard. I eventually (reluctantly) decided to go on anti depressants because of my appetite being so bad. I did not want to lose any more weight. My appetite returned for awhile, the last month or so of school, however now i'm home again and have lost my appetite again. I dont know what to do but there has to be something. ~laura

hey cyndy and kelliemarie.. cyndy...yes, very much did i wonder what would have happened if we had stayed together. just a month before brandon died (i have saved conversations on my computer) he was drunk and he told me he wants to hold and kiss me and have things return to normal. We both had other girlfriend/boyfriends at this time which is the only reason i didn't say more than, "yeah". when i wanted to say "YES that would be amazing, do u still think about how we discussed ending up together?" I wish I had let him at least know how much I still felt for him and cared about him. Now typing on the internet i'm letting that out again, but I try not to think about "what ifs?" so much. i think after a certian amount of grieving that is not healthy anymore for anyone. 10 months of questions like that for me would have been unbearable. I really dont think it benefits anyone to wonder what if, or what if you did something different. however it might be unavoidable, but i dont think it's a good thing to do. oh yes, and don't feel selfish at all for grieving and posting this. everyone deals in their own ways. and i finally stumbled upon a message board and i'm so glad to read ur post because i saw a place that i could post kelliemarie..i spoke a lot to brandon's first girlfriend because we shared a lot of common feelings and she was the only one who understood. after awhile it got repetitive and disheartening to me to hear her memories of them together..and i'm so suprised that we can share such common stories with different ex boyfriends! I'm happy to find other people who feel like i do! What's even more suprising is that i went to a family wedding of brandon's and we have a great black and white picture which was his favorite of us. He framed it in his room and it showed up in his funeral video of picutres and it meant so much that his parents found it and included. so i know how great (and sad) that can feel. he was also buried in that suit. i'm glad you got to spend some time with his family, thats a great opportunity you had:) Almost a year later, when i come in contact with his best friends or family it just makes me feel that much closer to him. knowing you both are thinking of him even without saying anything. oh and also, i know this might sound stupid but something i liked saying was that he was my "old boyfriend" I didn't like the term ex-boyfriend for him ever, but once he had died it just represented how much hurt there was and i just hated it. Anyway, of course i could go on forever but i'll stop rambling lol. ttyl:)

i thought i would reply here because i always have gotten discouraged when i felt I didn't fit into a category neatly either. I just stumbled on this disscusion board and when i saw Kellymarie's post i couldn't not respond because of our similarities. I lost my ex boyfriend ten months ago in a car accident, he was just 21. I had also been the one to end things between us, however things never felt over. Not even this past summer, when it happened, and we both were fresh into new long distance relationships when college let out. A lot of my friends felt like he didn't treat me good enough post our "official" relationship, but then again we didn't have a committment anymroe. No one understood how much I loved him, my first love. I mean they understood I had loved him, but no one knew i wanted to be with him in the future, maybe distant future, who knows. I mean I had a new boyfriend,who is so great through everything, so i felt like i couldn't grieve like i wanted to. not that he was stopping me, i just didn't feel like i was allowed to. I mean I broke his heart months before he died, i should have moved on and i felt everyone around me felt that too. It was so upsetting at first when I would tell people what happened I wouldn't know how to describe it. Saying he was my ex boyfriend, did not begin to cover what he was to me, I still feel like only the two of us understood what we had.