Amy Wamy

I've just popped onto the forum, as I do every now and then, and I've seen this! Thank you for sharing, Marty, really helpful article!

Hello! Every now and then, I'll find myself drifting away from this forum, but for some reason, I always end up back here reading and thinking. So, I'll explain the title of this post - "Is it Grief, or Just...Life?". Basically, I don't know what's going on. I'm in my final year at University and I have lost interest in my course (I'm studying Music Composition for Film and Games), but not music itself - I still love playing my piano. Not only have I lost interest in the course, I also think I am numb to emotion and I've felt that way for a while, must be over a year I suppose. I've no idea what that means. Is it grief? Is it just life as a 24 year old? It worries me a lot. My get up and go, has got up and gone! I'm graduating in September, and while I have some plans on what I want to do, if they don't work out then I've got absolutely no idea. Possible solutions are counselling, I attempted it again, but when they called me for an assessment, I didn't answer the phone. I blame my anxiety or fear. I'd like to try it again, but I always seem to fall at the final hurdle....also, apologies if this post in the wrong place!

Thank you, Marty! I am struggling a bit this week what with my University work and my Mothers anniversary. I really don't like the low days, but I know they don't last forever.

Eight years ago yesterday (23rd), I lost my Mum and my life changed forever. Unlike a lot of people, I don't have any siblings or a Dad, so I am with my lovely Nan. I have had to pretty much grow up on my own, I've had to learn how to live my life without something everyone else has, that has been, and still is, quite difficult. Not having that important person there when I graduate or when I one day get married and have children, is probably the worst thing. Though eight years have passed, I still don't think I've accepted that. I still feel like I have much to deal with, including grief. Fortunately though, I haven't turned to alcohol or drugs, I haven't dealt with severe depression, but I do have a little anxiety. I also have my fair share of down days, I'm sure many of you can relate to that. I am grateful that this forum is here, if I need to share my thoughts, I know I can do it here. I hope that one day, i will be at peace with my Mums death and be able to talk about her more. Like may things, that will come with time.

Hello all, Saw a trailer for an upcoming film called "A Monster Calls", it looks to be a great film! It was, like lots of films, adapted from a book of the same title. You're probably thinking "why is this relevant to the forum?" Well! Here is the synopsis of the book: A Monster Calls is a low fantasy novel written for children by Patrick Ness. Set in present-day England, it features a boy who struggles to cope with the consequences of his mother's terminal cancer; he is repeatedly visited in the middle of the night by a monster who tells stories. Ultimately, it's a story about coming to terms with loss. I have just ordered and I plan on reading it ASAP. I don't know about you, but I do find myself interested in reading/watching things that relate to my experience with death. But anyway, I've not seen a book with so many 5 star reviews! If you're interested, I urge you to have a look if you haven't already! Amy :-)

Hey CC Just because someone is gone, doesn't have to mean they are completely gone. It's okay to feel lost, the person that was there to help guide you through life isn't physically there anymore, but I'm sure there were many life lessons she shared that you can use in the coming months and years. I lost my Mum to a brain tumour when i was 15, I'm now 23, just about to start my final year of University. I'm not going to lie, it sucks not having her there for important things like when I graduate next year, but I know she'll be proud anyway! I hope you'll find some comfort here, I know I do. She'll ALWAYS be in your heart, never forget that :-)

Hi Ella! Welcome! I'm guessing you've seen my post above yours? I was 15 when I lost mine - I'm 23 now! And guessing from how you spell Mum, you're from the UK too? Hope you find some comfort here! :-) x

Hi Seachelle, Sorry to hear about your Mum, now that it's the end of August and you posted back in June/July, I hope she is still with you. Anyway, what I wanted to say was no, I personally don't think it is that common for young people to lose parents at a young age, but it does happen; as you say, most of your friends parents are quite young. Now, I am 23 and when I was 15, I lost my Mum to a brain tumour and my Dad hasn't spoken to me since I was 9/10, so apart from having a lovely Grandmother taking over those roles and caring for me, I now have no parents. Quite a bit different to what you're going through, but I suppose it's similar. My experience of carrying on after a death will be different to yours, but I can tell you that it's not easy, and it will probably be something that you'll have to learn to cope with in your own way. As Shari say, you can speak to us any time you like! I hope our messages find you well! Amy :-)

Hello everyone! This forum is such a great, supportive place for anyone to come and talk about difficult times in their lives, and feel a little bit less alone. One thing that is quite apparent, to Shari and I, is that there isn’t a dedicated space for young people to go and discuss grief and living life without certain people, with other young people. Marty has mentioned before that she has tried something like that on this forum before, but it didn’t get used that often, so it was taken down. I think that it should return, despite how many people use it, because it’s nice to know something exists. Now, I’m 23 and I have no immediate family except for my Grandmother, as my Mum passed 8 years ago and my Dad didn’t want anything to do with me. I know that many of you might be able to understand that, but I would love to know that I’m not alone with my situation. I want to know how other people that are a similar age to me, are getting on with life after a significant loss. If you know me from my posts on here in the past, just know that your support was/is really appreciated! So, how does everyone feel about the possibility of adding another topic on the front page under “Grief and Loss” titled something like “Young People Dealing with Loss”? It could be shared, along with the forum itself of course, all over the internet as young people tend to frequent social sites like Facebook, Twitter and Instagram; I’m sure there are plenty of young people that would welcome a space like this online. Anyway, thank you for reading! Amy

Tomorrow, March 6th, is Mothers Day here in the UK. I have always chosen to never acknowledge the day because I have nothing to celebrate. My Mum is no longer here, and all the day is to me, is a reminder of something I no longer have. Recently though, I have thought that I should treat it differently. Since I've had to go from the age of 15 without my Mum (and no Father since he basically gave me up at age 9), I've sort of had to look to other female figures in my life for different things. I am of course grateful for my Mum to bring me into the world, as that's a miracle itself, but I'm also so very grateful for all the other women in my life, and I think Mothers Day, for me, should celebrate that. Anyway, I am sometimes still ashamed and embarrassed of my situation and how un-normal it is compared to the majority of other people around my age. I suppose that is something that will change with time - much like many other things in life!

Thank you, Marty. That article i was quite helpful! It made lots of sense actually. The legend about the wolves - evil and good - is quite true and rather profound actually. Why would this still be anything to do with grief after nearly 9 years?

No idea where to post it, thought here was as good a place as any on here!! So, some of you might be familiar with my story and today I've been thinking about anger. It can be a very dangerous emotion, but for me, I think I have many reasons to be angry. Thing is, at the moment I'm in an argument with my housemate. There's a bill account in his name that we all put money in for our house bills, and he worries about it for no reason. He reminded twice, once during the night and once the morning after, for us to put 'x' amount of money in the account. I explained that we know to put money in, and that the account doesn't have nothing in it. He worries that it might go into overdraft ,(when you go into minus money...the banks money I guess?), but it never has and never will. The argument stemmed from this. I think it's quite silly, and that I've done nothing wrong, but some how I have, somewhere. He said I was giving him grief about it, when I was merely trying to tell him not to worry. I obviously helped this situation as everything takes two people. I was thinking, maybe I want to be angry at someone. I want there to be a reason to lash out at someone - I'm by no means a violent person at all!! - why would I want that? I feel like I want to just shout and scream about something. Creating arguments from nothing to create that kind of atmosphere seems very bizarre indeed. What do I have to be angry about? Losing my Mother...being "abandoned" by my Father...having to leave the place I was happiest...still not having dealt with any of that properly... What I suppose I'm asking really is, can this anger i seem to have, be related to that? If so, how can it be resolved? What can I do?

Paul, I lost my Mother when I was 15, so just like you say, I know how it feels to lose a parent young - in my circumstance, it wasn't sudden. I too hate the expression on people's faces when you tell them one of your parents is dead. In my case, one of mine is dead and my Dad hasn't spoken to me since i was 9. I just wanted to say one thing, you will never get over losing your Dad. You will think about him all the time, and as with any close death, I think we all just learn to live with it each in our own ways. Some of us choose to talk about them a lot and share memories, where some of us keep it quiet. I hope it gets a bit easier for you, and I'm sorry that you had to deal with this at a young age. Take care!

Cindy, I went to see the counsellor about one reason - losing my Mum. During the entire duration of the sessions we talked about that, my Father, and everything else. I didn't know, and still don't know, what I wanted to get out of it. I'm pretty sure it was to just see if it could help me at all, it did a little bit but not as much as I thought it would. I suppose the counsellor i saw didn't "dig deep enough", but as Marty said, it depends on how resistant the client is. As much as we may want the counsellor to "dig deep", we really may not be ready for that. That quote is profoundly true! I'll just see where my road takes me. Thank you for your responses

You know, thinking now, I just went to see the counsellor just to see what it was like. If it was like the other times I saw counsellors in school - that was awful. I'm not sure I actually had expectations, but I thought that counsellors make you open up, I mean that's what happened - or tried to happen - when I saw the counsellors at school in 2008. I've never been an open person, never one to share my feelings unless I absolutely felt comfortable doing so. Throughout my life, I've come to realise that I've always been pressured to do thing, to feel things, and the counsellor I just finished seeing, helped me to understand/realise that. It seems like i've gotten so used to that, I expect people to make decisions (not all) for me, and force me to open up. That's probably wrong, but maybe that's what has happened. So, it seems that I really don't know what I want to get out of counselling. I mean from what you've just said, it's up to me as well. The counsellor is there to just help and give advice. If I was okay with the death now then I wouldn't be here. I wouldn't always been thinking about it. I'm in that mindset now where I'm asking myself "what do I do now?! What DO I want?" I'm just not sure anymore.

Marty, If going to see this counsellor barely helped anything, how will going to a group meeting help? Also, it's a group of University students with different problems like depression, loss, anxiety etc. I also don't feel like I should tell other people, I mean why would it matter to any of them? I know what's happened to me isn't something minuscule, but I feel it's something that can be tucked away. Maybe in a few more years I'll feel differently, but then again it's been quite a long time anyway since I lost my Mother. After all, time is a great healer? I've adapted over the years, even though many conversations may be awkward if they are on the topic of parents. Sharing my experiences on this forum is very different, for me, to sharing them in real life. Face to face. Typing posts on here is very easy, doesn't affect me at all, I guess I can disconnect from what I'm typing, but not so much when I'm actually speaking.

I'm having one of those moments where I just need to type something down, especially as you're all great listeners :-) So, earlier this month (I think, or the end of April...one of the two!) I finished going to counselling. I had been going since January, and me even using the past-tense word going, is something unusual for me to have done anyway! So yes, I pushed myself and went to see a counsellor, she wasn't a grief specific counsellor, but I went for over 4 months - where on earth did all that time go?! Now that I've finished, I've been often thinking to myself how I think it went and what I got out of it. The conclusion I've come to is that it's left me feeling like I expected more from her. Is that right? I went in there assuming that the counsellor was going to "break me down" to my true feelings of whatever has happened in my life. Before each session, I was waiting for that to happen, but it never did. I mean, it was nice to talk to someone who wasn't going to judge you, but also give you a somewhat decent reply, I am just not sure I gained anything from it. I suppose I feel a bit clearer because of it, but nothing life-changing. A few sessions before the last one, she put across the idea that I should go to one of the group sessions. Me. Talking about my life experiences to a group of people. It's probably one of the most anxiety-provoking, scary situations that has ever been asked of me. I informed her of how this is just completely out of my comfort zone, but she just left the idea there for me to think about - something I'm doing now. Would that help me? Gently tearing my very sturdy walls down, in front of a group? Why would any of them really care what I have to say? I mean, they'd all probably give the same response: "It must have been so hard!"...."I'm so sorry to hear about that". I just think that what I have to say wouldn't matter to anyone that doesn't know me, why should it? None of my friends ask me how I'm really feeling. They never mention it - possibly because they know I don't want to discuss it...that would be accurate. Yesterday was my Mothers birthday. This will be the 7th year since she had died. I've now decided to not celebrate Mothers Day at all, or my Mother birthday. They are just normal days, but I have nothing to do with them. Why should I? Is it wrong to just eradicate them from my life altogether? Does that make me heartless? Probably, in other peoples eyes it does. I just want to avoid it forever. Never discuss it again because it's uncomfortable. Maybe it's my elephant in the room that will never leave. Maybe one day, I will feel the "ton of bricks" fall on top of me due to avoiding everything to do with this death. I had to rant. Apologies! If you want to reply, go ahead. Thanks for reading if you did.

Hi All! It's been a little while since I last posted on here, so I thought I'd give a little update. So I've been going to the counsellor at my University since January, and I'm still going. She's not specifically a grief counsellor, but I've grown to like talking to her now. I mean, I'm still not talking completely open to her, but for me to even be seeing a counsellor is amazing :-) I didn't think I'd like it, but I actually like going to talk to someone who understands and who can give me advice and try to help with whatever issues there are. She has suggested that I go to a support group session in September, and the thought of talking to a bunch of people I don't know and telling them my story is scary. She knows this. I've said I would think about it...I'm coming round to the idea ever so slightly. Anyway, things in general are actually going quite well. My part-time job is enjoyable, and my University life is going well. Hope you are all okay! Amy :-)

Fae & KayC, Thank you for your comments!! The support and kindness from you (and others) on here is so great, I appreciate that very much! I've written something that's 2 pages long, I feel that it's too long, but it has to be that long as I've got plenty to say. My next session isn't until the 2nd. I'll keep you posted :-)

I know it will do me the world of good - eventually. I just still feel like I don't know what to say or what I'm supposed to do. She does have a pretty good grasp on me and my life/situation now. Since I feel like it's going nowhere at the moment, I've decided to type up everything I feel/she should know so I haven't got to speak it. I'd rather she read this and asked me about it as she reads it. I'm just not at the stage of physically saying any of it.

After the second session last Monday, which was uninterrupted, it all went well. I like the counsellor, and when I came back to my room after the session I felt a bit strange, good, but strange. I think I feel like I can comfortably open up to her, so next session I plan on doing just that. I'm so glad I decided to go - never thought I'd hear or see myself say that!

Butch, I'm more of a reader than a poster on here, but I came across your thread and have been following it for a little while. I'm so sorry to read your posts about your wife going through ALS, it can't be easy. I've been reading the replies from other members of this forum and it's so lovely for me - you probably find it incredibly heart-warming - to read the support from everyone. I can't imagine what you're going through, but I hope it's fractionally easier because of all of the heart-felt support you and your wife receive here on this forum. Amy

You are all so supportive and lovely, so I thank you for that. This counsellor seems okay at the moment, she is just grasping my whole situation and what has and is going on. Hopefully the next session will be better. I'll keep you informed as I like reading your thoughts and opinions. :-) Take care

Anne, Well she's a counsellor at my University, and they deal with all sorts of issues. You said when you started you counsellor asked you questions that focused on how you were feeling and about your loved one, and that's what happened in my session yesterday. The only thing was, the fire alarm went of TWICE because they are in a brand new building on campus and I think they were testing things. It was a bit annoying, but I'm going again next week. I've started it now, I might as well see it through!

I did what I once thought to be "the impossible". I went to the counselling session. It was more or less how I expected it to be. The counsellor seems a little bit patronising, but she seems nice enough. I pretty much told her most of what's been going on, and I'm curious as to how they progress. Once they know why you're there, how do they help you? I hope you all had a good New Year :-)