Hi Constance... I'm so sorry that you are going through this. In 2009 I lost my soul dog. The vet suspected that he had Lymphoma but the only way to make sure was to put him under to test him and I didn't want to put him through that because he hated being at the vet and I didn't want to chance putting him under because he was 14. So, I opted to give prednisone and keep him comfortable. He lasted about 6 months, one day I came home and found him laying in a pool of his own urine and he looked miserable, I decided to put him to sleep the next day, I had been contemplating it for awhile and felt that it was time.
After he was put to sleep my heart was beyond broken and the guilt I felt was overwhelming. I felt guilt for not getting him tested for Lymphoma because the prednisone had side effects and what if he truly didn't have Lymphoma. I felt guilt for putting him to sleep because before I had him put to sleep I gave him a sedative and when the vet came to my home to put him to sleep and he jumped up and greeted her like he was cured, why didn't I stop her???
I guess what I'm trying to say is that if I decided to go through with the procedure to test him for Lymphoma and he died I would have felt tremendous guilt over that and questioned my decision. Instead I felt tremendous guilt because I decided not get him tested. I feel that our babies are going to go at the time they were meant to go, He would have probably died if I had him tested, I truly believe that it was his time and for some reason I was meant to go thru the pain of losing him and the pain of the guilt.
Unfortunately, you will need to go thru the pain and guilt, don't try to fight it, cry, scream, punch a pillow, whatever you need to do to make it through the pain.
And remember, pain demands to be felt, trying to avoid it will just cause more issues in the future.
I pray that you will get over the guilt soon and remember the good times.
Take care, Rhapsedy