DVLocker

So Sorry PinkPony, I just passed the 7th month. I wish I had taken off work to spend more time with my wife. I know the 8 hours at work kept me from care giver syndrom but, I have not forgiven loosing those hours. After she passed I buried myself in my job and take all the hours I can get. I don't know if what I am doing is healthy but, it keeps me occupied. All of our kids are grown and in states far away. My problem is once I get home I have to force myself to take care of the house. For 2 years while she was sick I was doing it all with no problem. DVL

The angles are lined up on the patio table. Some of them were broken by a freak hale storm we had a week after she passed away. I found all of the pieces and will glue them back together. I am going to try to put the garden back like she had it down to the statues. It will not be the same though. The only thing I didn't touch was a little garden shovel she put in the edge of the garden before she got to sick to go outside. I am upset with me for letting the garden die. I realize I was so busy taking care of Sally but, it hurts me.

Sunday and I am pulling out Sally's garden. It has overgrown with weeds. Digging down as I chopped I found her angels. She was so into angels. With gentle care I placed them outside the garden as I came upon each one, while I hacked and chopped at the weeds that buried her beautiful garden. My anger grew at the weeds and at my loss. I have not cried like this in a month.

I have kept to my plan of not sitting in my chair all weekend feeling sorry for myself. Today I had the earliest start I have had. I started cleaning at 7 AM and believe me the house needs it after 7 months. The more I started moving things, cleaning them and putting them away the more my memories became a problem. I had to stop from time to time and look at Sally's picture. I would explain to her (yes I am still talking to her) that I miss her. She was a clean freak and I was her total opposite so, for me to clean she has to be smiling down. I think this has been the best Saturday in months for me so far. When I get the house clean enough that Sally would not be embarrassed I hope to ask my sister-in-laws over to help me go through more of their family things. I know in my heart I can't keep it all.

How does one get through the weekends? I had the same question when I first came in. I would make lists of things to do on the weekend and never do any of them. I found the more I posted about my attempts to get past the weekends the more I saw about me. Instead of lists I started a journal. This included things I needed to do on the weekend and why I didn't do them. I found if others told me to get out and do things I fought it but, if I saw through my journal what I was doing to myself... Not to say I don't avoid doing all the things I could on the weekend but, I don't dread the weekend now. When I see that I am doing nothing I get in my car and drive anywhere away from home. I think of all I could be doing on the drive. This gives me enough space from the rut I get into that I can come back and move on.

My friends and family have started asking me "why don't you date someone?" (Widowed 8 months) I know they are just trying to get me to stop living in the past. After my wife passed I became a recluse. I don't want or need to be around people, which is the total opposite of my past life. I was a DJ, singer and loved to entertain. What do you say to them when they ask? It is even harder when it is your children and step children telling you to find someone to replace Mom. Just thinking of dating I feel like I am cheating on my wife and they don't except that answer. They tell me Mom would not want you to be miserable and alone the rest of your life. The kids live far away and don't see me tear up when they ask and I change the subject on them.... I don't want to be blunt with them and run off the few that have stuck by me (most friends vanished only the true friends are still around). Only my daughter from my first marriage is happy I am not out looking. She is a lot like me and does not want me getting hurt. Answers I have tried: It is to soon I don't need anyone in my life I am to old now to worry about it Sally is still alive in my heart I don't need the drama It's my decision to be alone right now

Caorlyn not only do I sleep when I am not working I get physically ill on the weekends. I work from 6AM to 4PM and sleep from 7PM to 4AM. On Friday night I get home and become sick until Monday morning. I have learned to force myself to do things on the weekend sick or not. I know its all in my head and have to work past being so lonely on the weekends. Like everyone has told me little steps. Saturday mornings I get up and when I start feeling so alone I jump in my truck and drive anywhere but here. It seems HOME is where I have the hardest time. Dave

One of my wife's sisters found out February she has Cancer so everyone in the family stopped talking to me? When I confronted them to see if I had done something wrong to be cut out of the family they told me about the news. They said there had been a "family meeting" and it was decided I could not handle this so close to loosing my wife. Shun me because they were afraid I would find out and be upset? It hurt me more being avoided. Yes it brought back memories of my wife and all we went through fighting her cancer but, I offered my help to my sister-in-law and her family. "They don't think", he has been through this and he is a great resource not someone to avoid. People don't understand we are emotional and finding our way but, we are still the people we were deep inside. They all knew how caring and giving I have been all my life. I had even looked at becoming a Nurse a few years ago because I love to help people. God Love Them I jumped at the chance to help once I found out. I had tried to volunteer with Hospice and was told it was to soon and I understand that but, this is family. Now I am the one afraid to tell them how they hurt me by pushing me away. On the lighter side, while they were avoiding me for my own good, they also forgot to tell me I was invited to a Birthday Party! (Mine)

I am still on a roll, I have started home repairs I put off. I had roofers coming out when Sally passed and I put them on HOLD. This week I told them to come and get it done. Now the plus here is they had to remove the TV Dish until they finish. I am without my TV so no reason to sit in my chair all night. I have to find things to do. I just pray I don't do the two steps forward and 3 steps back as I did in the beginning.

UPDATE: I did... After my post I took a drive (short but at least it was not to work). Then for the first time in months I went outside the house and started doing yard and pool work. The mess I allowed to happen in the yard will take many weekends to turn around (if I keep it up). I set a goal to have a Karaoke Party at my house this summer. I used to be a Karaoke DJ so I have the equipment but, the down side is Sally and I used to do these parties together and that sticks in my mind. It's not that I need Sally to set things up I just need Sally to make it whole. Little steps

As I do every weekend I make a list of things I should do to get out of my grief rut (out of the house). Saturday I ignored the list until 8PM when I pushed myself to get dressed up and leave the house. I went to a Karaoke bar I used to love to go to. I knew there would be people there that knew me from years ago so I would not be alone. I went and greeted all the people I knew then I found myself sitting alone and wishing I was home. After 90 minutes I had put down 3 beers (I never have more than 1). I realized I was trying to dull my feelings with Alcohol. I went out to my truck for a while to sit and sober up then I went back to pay my bill and get to where I felt safe (Home). I have never been a drinker and especially now [since it is a depressant]. Karaoke or Singing is my passion but, it is almost always in a Bar. Singing at Church is not the same thing. Now that it is behind me and I am thinking about it for the post, Was this a failure or a learning experience?

I know its not a dream. I keep going on as if it never happened. We talk as we have have for years. Good Morning Hun, How was your day, What do you think I should do, Good night sleep tight, I love you... If I could only hear an answer back to my chatter I would not feel I have lost my mind. We all deal with the loss in our own way.

I have only had 3 dreams in the last 7 months and they were me passing away alone with Sally waiting quietly to guide me over. They have been so real I wake gasping for air. I don't even mind the dreams I get to see Sally. I just wish she would say my favorite greeting she would do "Heyyy Baby"!

If I am alone I can't be hurt again. I know it has only been months and in time the memory of what we went through will fade and I will come out of hidding.

Shelley, I was never an angry person. For months after my wife passed I became short tempered and it still sneaks up on me from time to time but, I learned to control it. I hope some day to be like I was and not have to "control myself". Everyone says it just takes time. Pray for me and I will pray for you... Dave