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Hi Melina, I haven't been on here for awhile but I sometimes read posts. I think I understand what you are talking about. The loneliness that I experience since the loss of my husband is present whether I am home alone, in a group of people and social outings. There is that sense that he should be there with me and an intense sense of loneliness. My husband was the social one but I don't think it makes a difference in how I feel. There is this sense of always being alone, like part of me is missing. No one can fill this gap but him. I am fortunate to have such loving and caring friends that are supportive and our son. I still have this sense of loneliness even with them. My thoughts and prayers are with you and all of us who are grieving. I had no idea that anything could be this hard and last this long. I have lost my dad and a sister and others close to me that caused me to grieve. In losing my husband, I somehow lost a sense of identity, security and strength. I have gone to counseling and grief support groups, maybe they have helped, not really sure. Take care and hang in there. New

Tammy, Thank you for sharing those wonderful pictures and the song in the youtube video, that was awesome. You can just see what a great couple the two of you were. Take care and I pray that your bon fire and messages go well. Wishing you a peace filled evening. Pat

Dear pbjb, I am so sorry for your loss. I know there are no words that can truly comfort but I can identify with what you said. My husband and I were married for 32 years and we have been together for 35 years, since we were teenagers. He died in a sudden accident and it has been very difficult. There is no explanation for how this can be. He was fine one minute and gone the next. Everything that I thought I knew and understood about life was suddenly changed. I felt I had a close relationship with God but suddenly none of it made sense anymore. How could he let something like this happen without giving me some sort warning. It has been 4 1/2 months for me now. I am rebuilding that relationship. It is different now. I have started going to different churches to visit, and that is going OK for me. Please take one day at a time. That is hard, I know. Reading the posts on this site helps me to understand how I am feeling. I haven't found any real answers to the questions but am trying to live with this one day at a time. I don't have an answer to where he is but I feel his comfort around me and I hope that is his spirit. My prayers are with you. Pat

I don't know the scientific side but I know that I feel a peacefulness and comfort that I could only feel when my husband was with me. I have never done well without my husband. My sister told my son this right after the funeral. She said " your mom doesn't do well without your dad". I always had anxiety attacks if I was away from him for more than a day. He was my rock. I miss him so much and would give anything to be with him, no I'm not suicidal. But I feel the comfort that I could only get when he was with me & can't explain it. Some would say that I am still in shock. I am still in shock even after 4 1/2 months. I have had some good days and he still is with me. I know that, I couldn't feel comforted by him if he wasn't. I always got excited when he would come home from being gone for the day, even after 32 years of marriage I looked forward to seeing him. I would love to see him again and have to believe I will again some day. I think he is still with me even though I have had some good days. He knows me and that I still need him so I don't think he will leave me. Your boss has no idea what they are talking about. We all experience this differently and she can't know how you experience this. Blessings and have a better day! Pat

Becky, learning to play golf is a great idea. My husband and I played together for years. It is a great sport. Of course I wasn't much competition for him but he was patient with me. He taught our son & we have wonderful family memories with golf. Our son said that when he plays he always thinks of his dad. I haven't played this year but know that I will again. When I do play, I will keep in mind that I am playing with him since I am sure he is also playing up in heaven. Maybe they are in a big golf scramble up there today. Good luck with playing and hope you have fun! Pat

MartyT, Thank you for the information. Like Melina, I think I will also look for a yoga class to see if it helps. The article was helpful for me today. Pat

Melina, I too have been having problems with neck, back, muscle& joint soreness. This is new for me also. I have even thought that maybe all of the tears I shed keep me dehydrated. I think I just tense up all over and don't even realize it. Maybe I should learn to do Yoga, but don't know anything about it. I am 52 and also don't think I'm old enough to be this achey. I exercise on a treadmill and there is also 2 acres of yard work I now do that my husband use to take care of. The pain started right away after his death. Ibuprofen helps me some. If you find a solution, would love to know. Pat

Deb, I am so sorry for your loss. My husband and I use to go on trips on his Harley Ultra Glide Classic. He had a motorcycle when I met him in 1976 and we were just teenagers and has always had one. I can relate to your stories about family and concers about the bike. It makes me angry when even asked. I will do what I want with it when I want to. I may just let it sit in the garage forever so that I can go out and look at it. There are so many memories attached to us and riding. I hope you will be able to ignore these type of things, although I know frustrating, and concentrate on taking care of yourself. Be good to yourself. I try to ignore these family members and limit my contact to the ones who don't ask. I have let a few of them know how I feel in hopes they will tell the ones who seem to want it. I have decided not to make any changes for the 1st year so that I won't make decisions that I will regret. there was also some mention of me returning a couple of family heirlooms that had been given to my husband by his parents and grandparents. Our son will be getting these at some point. Of course these requests aren't coming from his immediate family but cousins and etc. It has been 4 1/2 months for me. Haven't heard anything negative from them about it for about a month now. Take care. Pat

Dear Di, I think you are on to something important in learning to live with this for some of us. I first read about this in the book, A Tearful Celebration. When I first read about letting go of the past to be able to move forward it made me angry at the thought of it. But as I read on, the letting go is as wmjsca explains. We loved them immensly and it is hard to be able to start this new life while holding onto the old one so tightly. We all had hopes and dreams and plans and for me that has all changed. It isn't easy but now I have to try to think about the possibility of new hopes and dreams and plans and expectations for me in life. If I don't at least try, then I will become what my counselor calls "stuck" in my grief. We will never forget them, the love or the life that we shared with them. It is hard to try to imagine life without them but that is what we have left, that and all of our wonderful memories. God Bless you and praying you have a good day. Pat

Tammy, Thank you for being able to put my thoughts and experiences to words. Your thoughts feel so familiar and lets me know that I am not alone and maybe I'm not crazy because I feel this way. I am still having so many problems expressing my feelings,often go numb when I try. It feels like 1/2 of my brain has been removed. I'm beginning to wonder if I will ever be able to leave a room without checking things to be sure that I didn't leave a burner on or leave the water running in the bathroom sink. Your gentle caring spirit is evident in your posts.

Dear Di, These little things are the ones that are so painful to lose for me also. I think they are the gestures that remind us of our love, companionship and a friendship that we shared with them. I too would love to be able to fix that cup of coffee as I fix mine like I use to, or he would bring me a cup if he was in the kitchen first. Those triggers come from anywhere and we never know which one is going to set us off today. Wishing you good thoughts and memories today that make you smile. Pat

Dear mfh I wish you a good day and happy memories on your anniversary Wednesday. Your posts send heartfelt messages of your love for each other. Pat

We are fortunate to have found our sole mate. He told me that we were going to be married someday on our first date. I thought he was ridiculous. We were married 32 years. There are so many of those special memories of doing little things for each other and really enjoying doing them. I miss all of the little things. Cooking meals for him, doing laundry, flying over the Grand Canyon, boating, motorcycling, golfing or sitting together and doing nothing. I miss him so much there are no words to express it. We have to keep those special memories and hold them close. I can't imagine life ever being as interesting as it was with my husband. He was a wonderful, very special soul. He had the biggest smile and laugh and an even bigger heart. My journey feels alone and lonely and I can't see that changing. There is no one that knew me like he did, who I really was. Now I don't even know who I am. I hope we all find peace and a purpose. It's Friday and the weekend is coming up, I remember when I looked forward to the weekend and plans. Now I look forward to getting through it. It's hard without my special someone. May we all get through long days and find some enjoyment. Pat

Marty, Thank you for the note. I think lazy was a poor choice of words on my part. Pat

Happy belated birthday Melina.

I like Kat have difficulty putting my feelings into words. I try to think of things to say when I read a post but usually someone else has already said it and much more eloquently than I could. There are many who are my heroes on this site. They give inspiration and seem to know just what to say. So maybe I am lazy by not responding and mostly reading but the posts do help me during this nightmare and with this life I am trying to learn to live with. Thank you and wishing all of you a good day today. Pat

Dear mfh, I am sorry that that happened to you. Sundays & some days are hard for me too. I had a similar situation with my older sister yesterday. She called & asked me how I was doing. When I said I am still having a hard time, didn't even go in to detail, she said, "You just have to get use to it". Get use to it? what is that? I will never get use to it after being married for 32 years. I couldn't wait to get off of the phone and it set off another long episode of feeling so alone and empty and tears. My son says she needs to stop calling and I need to stop contact with her, this has happened before. They just don't have a clue to what they are doing to us. Hope today is a good day for you. Pat

Hi Dave, I am so sorry for your loss. I know the waves of pain are overwhelming and yet you still manage to get up each day and get through it. That is what happens at this early stage of grief, at least for me anyway. I lost my husband Feb 16 to a sudden accident and it is still very hard. I commend you that you were able to return to work. Nursing is a wonderful profession and I hope you are finding some distraction for a little while during your shift and some reward from helping others. I am also a nurse & I wasn't able to do it. I had recently been involved in several situations in critical care where we tried to revive someone and it didn't work. Every time I thought of returning to work, I would see my husband lying in that ER with the ET tube. It was so familiar for me to see that at work but not in my life. I am working, doing something else for awhile. I don't post often but read the posts at times and they do help. You have found a good place to find some validation that you are not the only one out there with these feelings. There are so many wonderful people that are supportive and offer kind words on this site. Be kind to yourself. I didn't know what that meant at first but am beginnning to understand. Be gentle and take things at your pace. Get plenty of rest and eat and drink fluids. I have stayed away from alcohol, I use to drink an occasional glass of wine in my old life but not since this new one began. I am afraid of the depressant effects of alcohol and God knows we don't need any help with being more depressed right now. Take care and allow those who are able to, to help you. I'm sure you have found that some of the people that you most thought would be there are unable. That just seems to be the way it is. Take care. Pat

Tammy, I know what you mean about feeling so alone. Life is empty and lonely daily, when at work, in a crowd or at home alone with my dogs. I was going through my texts from my Jeff recently and it put me back to where I was when I received them. When I stopped reading and looked around the room and realized all of that is gone, it is overwhelmingly difficult. That tiny glimpse into what we had and how much we care about each other is heartwrenching. All of the "are you OK or do you need anthythings or I love u", are so precious and gone forever. I miss those hugs and kisses and looks across a crowded room. I miss it all. My son is getting married in Oct and I don't know how I am going to get through it. I am worried about ruining their day with my sadness at Jeff not being there. My son tells me not to worry about it but you know how it is. People that have not experienced this do not know what it feels like. It has been 3 months today since I lost my Jeff and when I think I am starting to learn to live with this I am reminded that I am not. The sadness and tears are overwhelming and frequent today. I am glad I took off of work. I too am grateful for what we had but don't want to hear it from someone else, it is not consoling to me either. We lost them way too soon. My Jeff was only 50 and we were suppose to have so much more of these things before we had to go through this. Hugs to all of us, Pat

April, I understand how you feel. I felt exactly the same way and still do sometimes, but not as often as the first 2 months. I am in my 3rd month since the loss of my husband. I still don't know how I've made it this long but I have. I get up each morning and get through the day & most days can't wait for it to be over. I actually had 3 days where I had more happiness than sad this past week. I thought I would never feel that again. When I was where you are it was unimaginable, but it did happen. I am not over the loss of my Jeff and I never will be. We met in high school and were together for 35 years. He is my one and only and always will be. My life is so lonely without him and there is no one I can talk to like I did him. He was my best friend. A co-worker suggested that I write in a journal. I write in my journal every night and then I can sleep, most of the time. I write him a letter to tell him about my day and I always end it like we ended our day with,"I love you, goodnight". I also write in it whenever I am upset and need to talk to him. I talk to him a lot when I am home or in the car. Life is different and all of our plans are suddenly gone. My husband was killed in an accident and I had no chance to say goodbye or a last, I love you or ask him how to take care of things. I truly wish I had had just 5 more minutes with him but it wasn't to be. I have been angry, I question the existence of God and if there is a God how could he let this happen. It doesn't make any sense and I had to give up on trying to make sense of it because it doesn't exist. I'm not convinced that it ever will. I kept telling myself that I can't do this because I truly felt that way and still do at times, but I am doing it. I too have lost my appetite, I've lost weight and have little interest in food. It's hard to go shopping, I don't want anything at the grocery store and I don't want to eat out. When I am feeling really bad, it helps to read the posts on this site, because no one else gets it. I hope you will keep reading and know that you can do it. It isn't easy for any of us, and we never dreamed we would have to learn to live with this tragedy. But we are learning to. Pat

Melina, I sometimes think I hear my husband's response to situations. For example, it is mushroom season here in Ohio and we really enjoyed going "shrooming" together. One year we found 200 and we took them to my father-in-law, who loves them. We had plans that we would meet back there in a few days and enjoy steaks and mushrooms together. When we got there at the designated time, the mushrooms were all gone. His brother and dad ate them all up. Last week his brother gave me mushrooms that he had found this year and his wife cited the story about the mushrooms we had missed out on several years before. My instinct was to throw them away because he wasn't there to share them with me. Suddenly I heard, in my mind, "c'mon hon, you might as well cook them and eat them". I hadn't even been thinking about what he might say, but that is exactly what he would likely say. This has happened to me several times about things. I know that I miss him so much that anything is possible and maybe it is all just in my head but a part of me wonders if he is communicating with me at times. I know that I hope so. I'm going to keep listening. Pat

Kay, Thank you for your kind words and support. I know deep down that there is nothing that anyone can really do. I just sometimes feel so desperate to feel normal again but have to tell myself that my old "normal" is gone. I am glad that I have found a place where my feelings are acknowledged and understood. It's not that I want others to feel like I do but the validation that this is not abnormal to feel so sad and lost and all of the other feelings helps. I am just dumbfounded at the lack of education about the loss of a spouse and all of the physical and emotional changes that you go through. I know that people probably don't mean to be insensitive but if they were better educated maybe they wouldn't be. You understand, it does suck the breath out of me as it sounds like it does all of us. Thanks again New

Thank you for the information and the kind words. I will take your advice and keep reading and following this support group. It does help, it makes me feel a little less of an alien. I don't think anyone of us wants to be in this grief, but yet here we are. Your words of wisdom are appreciated.