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Anne E

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Everything posted by Anne E

  1. Lina, thank you so much for sharing about your daughters allergy tests. I am so relieved that your pets are not the cause. Honestly, I do not know what I would do without our pets. The dogs make sure I get up every morning....they NEED TO BE FED. They make sure I get some exercise.....they NEED TO RUN AROUND IN THE YARD! and they NEED TO BE LOVED, regardless of how my day is going. Understand about the dips. Unfortunately, in order to have the beauty of the waves, I guess we have to learn to deal with the dips. Happy that you are staying in touch with Arthur's family. They miss him as much as you do and if they loved him, they love you and would be so sad to lose you too. Thanks for the update God Bless. Anne
  2. Good for you, Jan. I have come to like the saying, every journey begins with little steps. I have found that to be so true in my journal through grief. Choosing to keep those little ceremonies you enjoyed with your husband has helped me also. Sometimes are harder than others, but when I do feel his presence, it is worth the effort. Blessings Anne
  3. I think exhaustion made my ability to deal or cope with grief the most difficult thing for me. I still have difficulty getting a good, solid nights sleep, but it is getting better. Being so stressed makes it so hard to deal with all the stuff that dumps on you after your spouse is no longer with you. Trying to make all those decisions, discover a new routine, in your case taking care of a child, trying to meet all those deadlines, keeping all those things you are juggling from falling in a huge heap at your feet is in it's self exhausting. I too used sleeping medication from the doctor for a while, but now, I tend to use herbal sleep aids. Melatonin with a nice cup of herbal tea works pretty well for me. I used to use wine, lots of wine, but find that melatonin is a healthier choice. And I feel much better the next morning. Some women in my support group use meditation, but with my ADD personality, I just can't seem to find that "zone" to just be still. Every single time I try, my mind goes directly to those things that are constantly zooming around in my mind and...off we go again. Honestly, it will get better. Be patient with yourself. Anne
  4. Good for you Anthony. I think we need to pay attention to those "nagging" feelings we get that force us to do some things we fear. I also think it was Celene pushing you to move a bit out of your comfort zone. Dick has nudged me a few times and I too found that I received comfort from the experience. Love the picture of Boom Boom. He looks like he was a very find rhino. Blessings, Anne
  5. See, even in Oregon URP has the same meaning.
  6. Me too. Sometimes I think we need a "like" button on this site. Also, I spent three delightful years at the Air Force Base in Blythville, Ark., being "educated" at both Blythville Middle School and Gosnell High School. Ah, the accent, ya'll. Anne
  7. Listen here Dave. I happen to have a very strange accent, not just a Kansas accent. I was raised by a VERY Southern mother and we moved all over the U.S. because our Dad was a pilot in the Air Force. (quite a bit of the time was spent in the South) Dick used to say he could always tell if I was angry, excited, stressed, etc., because my southern accent would become more prominent! So.....Good Night Ya'll. Anne
  8. has not set their status

  9. This is a topic that has been mentioned to me by many people. A couple of "friends" suggested dating to me not even a month after Dick's death. Another sweet lady was quite sure I would get along great with her son.......and his divorce is almost final!!! Really???? The whole idea is just more than I can even imagine. Scares the hell out of me actually. My Mother died when she was 49 years old. My Father married within the year. The person he chose was 6 months older than me. It was a decision he always regretted, but he just could not deal with the loneliness. I do not want to live the rest of my live with regrets. The thought of sharing my personal space with another man is just not appealing. I can not imagine a man in my bedroom!!! I have a real problem with the thought of enduring the loss of someone with whom I have made a life commitment. It is more than I can imagine. I am pretty certain I would not survive another experience like what Dick and I went through trying to keep him alive. Also, I have not been able to figure out who I am currently. I have not made much headway on sorting out a direction or purpose for the rest of my life. I think I need to spend some time doing that. AND, when I go out in the community, to church, shopping, etc., etc., I look at men who "look at" me and think. URP! Guess I truly am not ready to think about the concept of dating. Anne
  10. I'm so sorry for your loss and the pain. I found that dealing with the loneliness was one of the hardest parts of losing my partner for 39 years. I kept and keep focusing on the thought that Dick did everything he could to stay alive. He worked very hard to try to recover. I know he did not want to leave me. Sometimes those thoughts helped, sometimes they did not. Unfortunately, grief is a disgusting process and one that we just have to "endure". I found that leaning on a very good widowed friend was very helpful. She understands a bit of what I feel. Time will help. We just have to give time a chance. God Bless Anne
  11. Jan, I am so very sorry for your loss and that you have to go through the grief that follows. If you have not experienced the loss of your beloved spouse, you honestly do not have any idea what we as surviving spouses feel. At the same time, I will say that I do not honestly understand how you feel, I am not you. I know exactly how I feel and what I have experienced. My husband died 4 years ago and time has helped me grow accustomed to the loss, the pain, the loneliness and to realize that this is my new "normal" life. Doesn't mean I am "over it" or that a month will truly change how I feel. It's pretty much a day by day, moment by moment way of living. There are still things said by friends and family that hurt, baffle and bewilder me. It is hard for others to know how to respond to us and often their responses are hurtful and seem insensitive. My loss and grief has taught me to keep my mouth shut when I am with someone in grief. I am not all that much of a touchy, freely person, so a touch on the arm or pat on the back is generally my first personal touch and just saying "I am so sorry". Time will help, honestly. Right now, you do not need to feel like a tour director. You need to do what you feel you can do. Treat yourself with kindness and gentleness. God Bless, Anne
  12. Ah, here we go again. I just looked on Facebook and saw pictures my brother and his family posted showing what they are doing on their vacation in Colorado Springs, 45 minutes from where I live. Do you think they just forget that we are "friends" on facebook and I will see what they post? I will never understand people in general, my family in particular. Here they all are, 45 minutes from my house and they don't even call. What's up with that? However, when I am in Kansas, I travel 2 hours each way to see them. I call, tell them when I will be in the state, ask if they would be available for a visit. If it is convenient, then I make the trip to meet them at a restaurant in the town THEY live in as they never invite me to their home and have lunch and visit for a couple of hours. I refuse to be as thoughtless as they are, but it does hurt. It also hurts when they tell me how painful it is to see me without Dick. Sometimes they almost act like it is wrong for me to "look good" and to "act happy". However, if I get weepy, they tell me to move on and get over the loss. What's a person to do? People are so strange, and my brothers and their families are the strangest. Durban, Good for you! If you feel like baking.....bake away. I have decided that I owe it to my beloved, wonderful husband to be who and what I am. If I want to sign and dance, I will sing and dance. If I feel the need to sit and weep, I will sit and weep. I will not suffer fools, I WILL look for joy, even if I have to spend all day in the search. My epiphany recently is that I am responsible for my feelings, my joy and my contentment. It is unrealistic for me to try to understand the actions of others, I can only be responsible and try to understand my actions. Sometimes remembering that helps, other times, stuff just makes me angry. Today, I am just bewildered! Anne
  13. Isn't that just the truth? It isn't limited to just couples, groups of widows or single women can be just as insensitive. Dick has been gone for 4 years, I moved to Colorado 3 years ago to be closer to our son and I have done many of the things suggested to help me get acquainted and to be part of the new community. I have been involved in church and other organizations or hobbies. I have yet been asked to do anything socially with another living human beings unless I have rather invited myself, pushed my way in. I will be included in that one specific thing, but never invited again. It's like I am only visible at the moment, and it never seems to cross their minds that the new person to the group or area might just like to go to lunch, go have a cup of coffee, go see a movie, go shopping, join the book club, whatever. It is just great and I am good enough to volunteer and work for or with them on committees, run Bible School, sing in the choir, play in the bell choir, tutor children, etc., but I'm not good enough or something to socialize with them. I would think that other widows and single women would understand how lonely single life is and would be a bit sensitive, but I guess not. It too makes me angry and makes me insecure. I wonder what I have done wrong, or if I am just not likeable. Granted, I have been very depressed, sad, unhappy, weepy, etc., etc., but, I am adjusting to being alone and my mood and out look on life has improved. It's just that I don't really think I want to Just Be Alone for the rest of my life. I would enjoy going out to dinner with someone other than my son and his friends. I guess people just aren't all that friendly any more????? Anne
  14. Oh Dave, you must be so heartbroken. I am so very sorry. Anne
  15. It is so hard to have compassion, empathy and patience when you do feel those feelings are lost to you right now. It still is difficult for me to endure the litany of people who still have their "normal" life but seem to only find the negative. The mean part of me wants to scream at them with all the obvious replies....you have no idea how lonely you will be when he/she is gone......you should be ashamed of yourself and be thankful for what you have...do you have any idea how much your complaining about what you have hurts me? I have decided when I am in a group and the bitchin' starts, to pack up my stuff, make an excuse and remove myself from the group. I used to have a friend who behaved like the person you described, I privately had a chat with her and told how upsetting it was for me to listen to her unhappiness. We are no longer friends, she feels my grief is my "mental problem". We do have to accept that life does go on all around us, pleasant and unpleasant. I believe I have the right to be upset at the insensitive comments of others, but I do not need to expect everyone on the planet to be sensitive to my grief. It may be a good move on your part to just ignore the posts from this friend for a while. Remember that you are really vulnerable right now and need to be surrounded by positive calmness. Time and distance will help you, honestly. Anne P.S. You are no witch!!!!!
  16. You know, I have not thought about those who attended Dicks memorial service in a long time. Our large church was packed. After the service, while I stood in a sort of receiving line for what seemed like hours, I met customers of Dick's I'd never known and heard stories of his small acts of kindness that were new to me. I comforted his long time employees when missed him so badly. Richard heard about what a honest, fair, dependable, compassionate man his father was. Richard and I were in awe of the presence that was my husband and his father. Today, it is a wonderful memory for me. I realize I matter because Dick's influence made me a better person and I need to share that.
  17. I totally agree with Kay C. It took me a while, but I have come to the conclusion that I do matter. The most important reason I matter is that I hold the history of Dick and I. I know why and how we made decisions, I know how and why we worked our way through the hardships as well as the joys of our time together. I can share how we managed to have a happy, meaningful relationship for almost 40 years. Memories of our life together are important and I am the one who can share those memories. I also know that I have things to offer the rest of the world and so do you. This is a very hard time, but it will get easier as you rest and regain some strength. Please to some of those things suggested by Kay. I thing getting out every day, even if you only walk around the yard is helpful. Give yourself some time.
  18. Who really knows what's healthy? I mean really. Dick has been gone for 4 years and I still talk to him. I tell him what I'm thinking, I am trying to get over a head cold and I tell him how terrible I feel and whine about that. Who else is going to listen to me? I tell him the pros and cons of decisions I need to make, I speak out loud. It helps me make the decision. If I make something to eat that he really liked, I tell him how good it tastes and that I wish he was here to share with me. I ask him if he can see the silly things the dogs are doing and aren't they cute? We need to find our own comfort to help us through a really terrible time. I believe that! Anne
  19. Dick and I lived in Salina, Kansas. His transplant center was in St. Louis, Mo. He died there. We had discussed our final wishes quite a bit during our lives and decided we both wanted to be cremated and when we were both gone, we wanted our ashes to be mixed and for our son has agreed to to scatter our ashes at a place of his choosing. So, Dick was cremated in Missouri and his ashes sent to the mortuary in Salina. They could not be sent to our residence. There are way more rules and regulations regarding how things such as a persons remains are handled than I ever expected. It was surprising to me that ashes had to be mailed, they could not be sent UPS or FedEx. When we had the memorial service, we did not have the ashes. Our son, Richard, said, Mom, isn't that typical? Dad has decided to take another one of his "short-cuts" and the good Lord only knows when he will get home. It was really kinda cute. I don't know what is appropriate and I'm pretty sure there is no proper way to deal with ashes. I know of a lady who has a tote bag and takes her husbands ashes every where with her. She seat belts them into the car. I think that is a bit strange? Dicks ashes are sitting on the shelf in my closet. I just recently have been thinking about getting an vase or something to put the ashes in, but I am not there yet. I think I can perhaps get a vase, if I come across one that "speaks" to me, but I doubt if I would be able to put it anyplace but back up on the shelf in the closet. Every night, I say good night to the ashes and if I am having a particularity bad day, I open the closet door and tell the ashes all about what is going wrong. I do find it comforting. Letting go of the ashes is something I have had a very hard time thinking about. It is not difficult for me to be in possession of them, but I am not comfortable with the thought of them being out in the open. Maybe in time. Who knows. Anne
  20. Good news. Keep us posted on how it goes. I am allergic a bit to dogs, but can't even begin to imagine life without mine. They are my comfort and support system!!!
  21. Thank you for sharing. I am going to take this to my support group. Anne
  22. I am so sorry for your loss. I am speechless. You have no idea how long I have wished I knew someone who could actually begin to understand what Dick and I went through prior to his death. Women in my support group try to understand what the pre and post transplant experience was like, but there is no way one can unless you have experienced it. I would really like to keep in touch with yo

  23. Mary, I agree with your perfect description of the waves of grief. When I was on my trip to Alaska, I was ambushed by a wave while sitting looking out over the sea with the snow capped mountains in the distance. As I sat there sobbing, a lovely man who worked for the cruise line, came rushing over to see if I was alright. I told him, believe it or not I am fine. I just wish my husband could be here to see this beautiful sight. He just patted me on the back and walked quietly away. He smiled and gave me a little wave every time he saw me after that. What a nice man.
  24. I did take that picture with my little camera. Of course, the second night out, I dropped that little camera and somehow managed to spring or sprain the case so that the little door thingie that is supposed to hold the batteries in the camera did not work. So, I had to firmly hold the little door thingie shut and try to punch the button to take the picture at the same time, all with the fingers of my right hand. Quite the operation. I am surprised I got any pictures. When I got home, I told my son my sad tale about the camera. He took the camera and squeezed the thing and pop! it was fixed! I almost threw the silly thing across the room. I had squeezed and squeezed all over the stupid thing to no avail!
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