plasticmary

Thank you for the kind words, Shelley. I'm so, so, so sorry about Chelsea. Cancer is so awful. I'm glad you have today with her. I know it will be so hard today and tomorrow. I will be thinking and praying for you both.

I made the decision to put Meadow to sleep last night and I feel really sad today. It's a beautiful day out today and Meadow would have loved it. I know she wanted to live. She loved life. She was a fighter. She would chase birds, roll around in the grass, run happily along side me on walks and jogs. At night she struggled to breathe. She made a lot of sounds and noises, coughed a lot and had a bad odor. But she was just so full of life at the same time. Then, yesterday, blood just started pouring out of her mouth for no reason. It eventually stopped but would keep coming back every hour or so. We wanted to wait until Monday to see our normal vet but every time I saw the blood coming out of her mouth, I felt like it was wrong for me to make her wait. It was much more expensive to go to the emergency vet and it was really weird and awkward to deal with a vet I didn't know. When the vet lifted up her lip to look at her mouth, it just started gushing blood and that really made me decide I needed to let her go last night. It just didn't seem right to make her wait another day. But she could have. She could have been here today. When I woke up and the sun was shining I felt so sad because this is her kind-of day. It's so sad. They had to give her two injections to make her heart stop. She was such a great dog. She didn't deserve to have cancer. She didn't deserve to suffer. Even though she was with us for such a short time, I really miss her. I just didn't see the point in waiting until she was in pain, maybe suffering with other problems like a broken jaw, eating and drinking through blood the whole time. I would like her to be here to walk with me and follow me everywhere like she did. I hope I did the right thing for her.

Meadow died today. She was a little stray dog that was starving and terrified who showed up in our neighborhood. We reluctantly took her in and she stayed with us the past 3 1/2 months. We didn't want another dog but she has been a great addition to our lives. She was sweet and loved to go on walks. She was good company for me. She had a lump on her face that turned out to be stage 3 nasal cancer. She's been on some medication and doing great - until today. She started bleeding from her mouth. It seemed to clear up but about every hour, she would bleed. The vet said it was from the cancer and while this wouldn't necessarily hurt her, she was getting to the point where the cancer could eat away at her jaw and it could break. I didn't want to see her suffer and I felt so bad that she would have to deal with blood pouring from her mouth all day long, so I decided tonight to put her to sleep. I hope I made the right decision. She loved life. This afternoon I took her for a walk, which made her mouth bleed again but she was happy on walks. She's been having a hard time breathing for a long time now. But the blood was just too much. It seemed cruel for her to have to deal with that. She was a great dog. I miss her already and will miss her dearly.

I lost two of my four precious dogs this year. One in March, the other in April. Today I missed them so much. After my first passed, Molly, and before the second passed, a little dog showed up in our neighborhood, starving and scared. I had no intention of adopting another dog but I couldn't let her starve. So I left food out for she eventually overcame her fear and has been with us for the past few months. Anyway, she had a big lump on her face and, once I was able to get close to her, I took her to the vet. She has stage 3 cancer in her nasal cavity and hear worms. The vet gave her some medicine that is suppose to slow the cancer down a bit and help some with pain but there is nothing more we can do for her. I am very torn, however, over what to do now. The poor little thing has light bleeding from her nose. She has a hard time breathing. She throws up a little clear liquid once or twice a day. But she loves to go on walks and runs with me. She keeps up with me the whole time we run. She rolls around in the grass. She chases birds. She's very energetic on walks. But as I sit her with her tonight, a little blood seeping from her nose, I wonder about what to do. It was horrible to have to put to sleep my first dog. Horrible. I questioned everything about that decision. The vet says that usually they will stop eating when they are in pain but my husband thinks she's not doing well. Does anyone have any advice here on what to do? This is the last thing I want to have to decide. But, after losing two dogs, I want to do right by this poor little girl.

I am so, so, so sorry! I know how terrible you must feel. Losing a pet is the worst feeling in the world. It sounds like he might have died from congestive heart failure. That's what my dog had and, although she never died during an episode, toward the end, she would fall over from lack of oxygen. Whatever the cause, please know that it's not your fault. It seems like guilt will find you in grief no matter what. I lost two of my dogs this year, and both times I was wracked with guilt. You did everything you could. It was his time to go and nothing you could do could have changed that. It sounds to me like you did even more than enough to try to save him. More importantly, you gave him a great life. It doesn't matter how it happens, it will never be the right way or the right time and you'll never be ready. It's just terrible to lose them. But you did everything you could and what an amazing life he had with you. Every cat should be so lucky.

Hi Teek, I'm very sorry for your losses. I lost my sweet dog last Wednesday, just a month and a half after my first dog died. Both were with me for a very long time - over 14 years. Prior to their deaths, I had only lost my grandfather. I lost him when I was in my 20s and it was hard but not nearly as hard as the deaths of my dogs. I guess I had more to do then and I wasn't there when he died, so it was awful but not like losing my dogs. Or maybe, I just don't remember how difficult it was. Anyway, until my dogs died, I didn't really know what people who had lost someone were going through or how to comfort them. Unfortunately, now I understand. It's true, what some of the others have said, most people just don't understand - yet. Almost everyone will, at some time, experience the loss of someone, and then maybe you will be the one to give comfort. It's so hard to lose someone you love, even your pets. Go to the pet loss section of the boards and you will see how devastated people are. You're not alone at all. I'm so, so sorry for your losses.

Thank you, CJ. Your responses always help so much. Thank you very, very much!

I feel bad this morning because I read online somewhere that the body is a sacred vessel and we should honor our pets by treating it that way - bury or cremate them after a ceremony. When my first dog died in March, we had spent so much on vet bills, that we couldn't afford the private cremation where they give you her ashes. I did that with my cat that died many, many years ago and always thought I would do that with my dogs but we simply did not have the money or any means to pay for it. I wanted to bury her in the field near our house but my husband couldn't do that. He was totally against it and we ended up just letting the vet take care of her body. That ended up actually being a good choice for me in the end because there was nothing left but her memories. If I had buried her in the field, I would have been upset every time we went for a walk there. I would have felt bad for her being out there alone and when we move, which we will do, how could I have left her? I don't really want the ashes. I would have to carry them around with me for the rest of my life, like I do my cat's ashes and it's just, I don't know, sad or depressing or something. Now I just have her memories. I didn't want her to go into the group cremation. At the time it was so upsetting but now I'm just glad we didn't dwell over her dead body. It helped me in some way to just have her spirit and her life to think about it. So, when my other dog died last week, I was sure about what to do with his body. I took him to the vet school and they asked if they could do an autopsy on him. I really wanted to know what was wrong with him in the end, even though I know it's old age, I want to know if it was his heart or what exactly. The vet students will use his body to learn on and I was okay with that. I am an organ donor and don't care at all what anyone does with my body when I'm gone. But I'm so worried now that I dishonored him by doing that. I really feel that decision is better for me. Somehow it's easier to let go that way, to just have their memories. But I loved them so much and I don't want to be careless with them in the end.

I have read here that some people think our pets chose when and how they go. I'm wondering why you think that and I wonder why my boy left before I got home to see him. He died on a day that I was so busy, I didn't say goodbye to him before I left for work, or pet him, or give him any kind words before I left. My husband usually stands with him for a long time in the morning to watch him go to the bathroom. I usually pet him or kiss him or something but my husband was leaving town that morning and we were both in a rush. I had planned to come home early but I kept finding small mistakes in a project I was working on and had to keep redoing it. I wish I had been here for him. If I had left work even an hour earlier, I would have seen him before he left. I just want more time with him. More time to hug him, kiss him, bury my face in soft fur. I want more time to do something nice for him, give him some great food, spend hours petting and brushing him but I didn't do enough when he was here and now it's too late. I miss him so much and I just can't believe he's gone.

You know, the important thing is that you were the kind of person that took her to the dog park. How lucky was she?! If she was anything like my dogs, she loved the dog park and had a great time there. I'm sure she was excited to go there and play with the other dogs. You know ho much they love to meet one another. You were just trying to make her happy and you had no way of knowing something so awful would happen. Most of my dogs are big dogs and I would never think they would hurt another dog but, the bottom line is, they are dogs and they do unexpected things sometimes. How in the world could you ever know that was going to happen? Most likely, the other owner didn't even have a clue his/her dog would do something like that. So how is it possible for you to know? You just expected a fun day at the park. The guilt that comes with death is just terrible. It's such an awful thing that haunts us. This was a terrible accident. I am so sorry you had to go through that. I hope you can find peace soon.

tychuck, Thank you so much. It's a sad morning, waking up without my boy.

Thank you CJ. I have to say that I would rather not have to make the decision to euthanize and I do feel that was a gift he gave me. It would just help me know that it wasn't too hot out there for him, so I appreciate you saying that. I wish there was a way for me to know for sure. He was such a great dog, so very, very, very good. It's just like him not to cause us trouble and pain and huge vet bills. I wish I had been here for him. I wish I had come home just a two hours earlier. Maybe I could have said goodbye. I didn't expect it today. Almost any other day, I would have been home before lunch. Why today? And I hope with all my heart he wasn't uncomfortable, but how will I know?

I am so sorry this happened to you. I thought I would never get over the guilt I felt when I had to put my first dog to sleep just a few short months ago. Somehow, with time, it became bearable but I never thought I would make it through that awful, terrible time. This site helped me so much and I hope it will help you. Today I am dealing with the death of another one my dogs. Again, the guilt is unbearable. I am pretty sure he died of old age but I keep thinking that if I had come home earlier, done something different, he would not have died alone. It's a terrible thing, losing a loved one. I know what you are going through. The guilt is the worst but, at some point, it gets better.

My dog, Astro, died today. He was somewhere between 13 and 15/16 years old. He's been with us for 13 years and was at least a year old when we adopted him. He's a 70 pound lab mix and, for the past month, he's been going downhill. We had him checked out at the vet and the only thing the vet thought was that he had arthritis. We've been giving him pain medication but it didn't always seem to work. Anyway, he's been having a lot of accidents in the house, so we started leaving him outside in the yard on days when he didn't go to the bathroom before we left for work. I came home at 4pm today and he was dead. I was going to come home during the day to check on the dogs but work got hectic and I couldn't make it out of there when I had planned. It was a really hot day and I am so worried that the heat was too much for him. He had water, of course, a bed and there is some shade but it was almost 90 out today. I don't know why I didn't think about the heat being too much. My husband was worried about him the other day after I had taken him on a walk. He thought his heart was beating weird and he told me he was afraid Astro wouldn't make it through the night. I mean, I know he has been just getting old. That was evident. But I feel so horrible that I didn't come home today. Why, why, why, on this day, did I stay gone so long? After my last dog died, I swore that I would do better by my remaining dogs but I'm so upset that Astro died alone, outside in the heat. I'm so upset with myself. I really loved him. He was an amazing, beautiful dog. There will never be another like him. Why am I so bad at the end of their lives? I'm so mad at myself and ashamed and depressed and sad, sad, sad.

Hi there, Mark. I have to get to sleep now but I will come back to read the next chapter. Great writing! My sister is a writer. I agree that you are a skilled writer and should share this story with the world. I'm so sorry for your loss. I hope the writing is helping. I lost my dog, Molly. She was 18. One of the greatest loves of my life. I think Bicky is right there with you as you write about your life together. Thank you for sharing it.

Thank you again for your words, CJ. Your posts have helped me a lot. In an odd way, asking me if I would adopt my dogs out through a rescue sort-of snapped me back to reality. I was so surprised by that question because it's so out of the realm of possibilities, it made realize that I am not as terrible as I was feeling. Death is the only thing that would ever separate me from my dogs and I have begun to realize that, as other people have pointed out, we are family. By no means are families perfect. I have definitely not done everything right with my sister or mom or husband but I love them fiercely and they know it. I have been annoyed with pretty much everyone in my family at some point but I would never do anything to hurt them. It's the same with my dogs. Anyway, I am surprised at how, in such a short time, I have been able to let go of the guilt and see what a great life I had with Molly. I miss her so much. I still can't do certain things that I did when she was alive because they make me too sad but not having so much guilt has been a great relief. We actually had a good day at the lake, me and my other three dogs today. I thought about Molly a lot and it was sad to be there without her but I appreciate so much that my three boys are still here. I'm sorry you have lost so many pets and people. Thank you for using your experiences to help the rest of us.

kayc, Thank you for sharing that. I have slowly begun to realize that what you have said is true. I have learned so much through Molly's death. When people say to live each day like it is your last, I just think it is an impossible standard to live up to. There are so many things we do on a daily basis and sometimes it's hectic and we take things for granted. But to be able to just go about your daily business without having to milk every moment is a great blessing. Having felt so much pain over Molly's death, a somewhat normal day is such a gift. And you are so right, that it is like having children. My dogs are my children and, although I haven't been able to give them everything I want, we have done agility together, we went to the Grand Canyon with them, we hiked a canyon in Los Angeles several times a week and went to the dog park almost every day. We did pet parades and events. We did classes and went to the lake, the river, the field. In everything I did, every move we made, everything, they were always a consideration without question. We have picked every apartment and house with them in mind. So, thank you for sharing that with me. It has helped me get a better perspective. I miss Molly so much but I missing her now with less guilt and that has made the days much more bearable.

Thank you both for your replies. As for adopting out my dogs, I would never, ever, ever, ever in a million years ever get rid of one of them. Never. They are my family, as important to me as any family member. I was never feeling like I want to get rid of them. I think I am beginning to realize those thoughts were just a way of coping. A way for me to deal with the awful loss that was coming. For some reason, today was better. I took my other dogs to the vet today and asked about Molly. Although he did not want to tell us what to do at the time - he said he doesn't want to make that decision for people - he told me today that I did the right thing. He told me she was suffocating and that it was the kindest thing we could do. It made me feel much better. I don't even really remember the exact chain of events. We were so upset, it's a bit blurry.

I am struggling so much with how I treated my dog, Molly, the last few months of her life. I wasn't mean - never, never mean - but I have four dogs and I started a new job in December. I was home most of the day before my new my job, which I really like. Once I got out and started working, it felt so good to be out, that I didn't want to go home. Either my husband or I had to go home every day to let the dogs out because, now that they are older, they started peeing on the floor. Or maybe they were just not used to no one being home with them. But it was so annoying to have to go home and then, if they still peed after we made the trip home, it was extra frustrating. I mean, we didn't do anything to them, of course, other then moan about it, but I feel bad for being frustrated and not more understanding. I feel worse that they were home alone and I didn't walk them as much as used to. I hated that they were cooped up inside all day. Molly could not go on walks, anyway, because of her heart. It was so sad to take my other three walking without her. I had tried to take her with me and she would seem okay but sometimes she would fall over - even a walk down the driveway could be too much for her. So, eventually, we faced the fact that she could not go on walks. I thought several times about buying her a stroller or something so she could go with us but I'm always worried about money, so I never ended up doing it. Winter is so dark and dreary and I felt terrible that all my dogs were locked up in the house all day long. There were many days the healthy three didn't get walked because I was too wrapped up in my new job. With Molly, I was, in a way, ignoring her failing health, acting like it was any other day, thinking, well, I'll take them for a walk tomorrow. This past winter felt so dreary to me and I'm not sure if they felt that way but I thought they must and those dreary months were last months of her life. I also started thinking a lot about how hard it was to have four dogs and how I was kind-of ready not to have so much responsibility. Ultimately, I know those thoughts stem from me just wanting to give them a great life and feeling bad because I do not have the money or resources to give them everything. I wanted them to have a pool, a great back yard, freedom to run around a great big property and explore. But their life is mostly inside, laying around sleeping. And Molly's was a lot of sleeping. Her life had become food and sleeping. Sometimes I cook for them but I didn't cook all the time. Worried, again, about money, I substituted the cooked food with canned mixed in with their kibble. They seem to like the canned food but I know it's crap. I mean, I always let her lick the plate, fed her lots of scraps but I wish I had given her great, cooked food too. She loved, loved, loved food. And I wish I had purchased a buggy so she could go walking with us. And given her a bath. Why didn't I give her a bath? The thing I feel the most guilt about are my thoughts that maybe I was ready to have her move on. That maybe it would be a bit of relief. I was telling my sister that I never wanted to have four dogs again, maybe no more animals. A lot of that was because I can't stand to see them get old and feel bad. And because I suck at managing my money and I don't ever have the resources to give them the greatest, best life they can possibly have. That they deserve. When we bought a house, our number one priority was a good yard for the dogs. The house we chose has a big yard but nothing in it, so it essentially, is just their oversized bathroom. I still have to take them for walks because otherwise they are bored out of their minds. It hasn't been easy to have four dogs - two were adopted and two were fosters that never left. There is lots of hair and work and vet bills. After so many years of not being able to travel without feeling bad for leaving them, always having to go home, hating to go out because I hated to leave them, part of me was feeling like I wanted a little bit of freedom. And I started feeling like I was spending too much on Molly's health care. My other dogs need it to but the vet bills and medicine were so much, I couldn't take the other three. I don't know. I hate that I started thinking that I was okay with Molly passing. Now that's she's gone, I know I was not okay with it - at all! I had dreaded it my whole life. She was so amazing and I feel like I failed at the end. She deserved loved and special treatment and, I loved her dearly, but so imperfectly. Sorry. I know this is a bunch of rambling but I just needed to get it out...

Thank you so much for your kind words, CJ. I appreciate hearing that so much. Your words really help. Thank you.

There are so many things...I feel especially terrible at this moment because I am remembering that, on Friday, I had forgotten to get her heart medication refilled. I had to call the emergency clinic at the vet school and they told me they were going to charge me a $50.00 pharmacy fee on top of the prescription. I was on the phone with my mom telling her that I wasn't going to do it. I don't like the vet school much because they are so expensive and they have been trying to add on a $200.00 charge to a bill I paid in full, after the fact. They basically decided, after I begged and borrowed money from every resource I had to pay the initial bill and left the clinic that there was an additional charge. They told me they would not treat Molly if I did not pay in full, so I paid it and a few weeks later received an additional bill. Anyway, I was going to CHOSE to take her off the medicine for $50.00. Luckily, a nice guy there gave me a weekend's worth, but I feel like the worst person in the world. Why would I do that to her? She deserved only the best and I was going to make that type of decision?! I can't even believe that was me thinking that way. Part of me had decided that we were just spending money and prolonging things. Money is so tight for us right now and the vet bills were killing us. Toward the end, I felt annoyed, stressed, distant. Not at her. She didn't do anything wrong but at the situation. I struggled with feeling like I was give all my attention to Molly and ignoring my other dogs. One of my other dogs needs some vet care but we couldn't afford to take him because Molly's care has been so expensive. We still owe our very kind, regular vet $160.00 for past visits for Molly. He's been letting us pay it a little at a time. I wish I had been sweeter, given her more attention, noticed how she was feeling more. I think, in some ways, I was trying to distance myself from her and I think I was in denial about how sick she was. Sometimes I did special things for her but most of the time, I just acted like it was any other day. I loved that dog - really, really, really, really loved/love her. But I am so bad at life in general that I didn't give her everything I could have. And then, on the last day, we just decided, spur of the moment, to put her to sleep. I keep going over and over it in my head. Why didn't we take her home or take more time to say goodbye. And to top it off, we had to discuss what to do with her body right in front her, moments before we put her to sleep. We didn't want to do that but we did anyway. Why didn't we just tell the vet we were going to wait to talk about that?! Why didn't we take more time? God, I'm a terrible person. To give you an idea, she was struggling a lot. Her stomach had filled up with fluid because her heart was failing. She was having a hard time breathing and walking the night before and my husband feels it was the right decision but I have to say, that I never thought it would happen the way it did. So suddenly - at my hands. I also totally forgot that the vet said I could give her an extra pill - the one to get rid of the fluid that filled her lungs. I just completely forgot that we could up that dosage, that he had suggested it several weeks ago. I can't believe I forgot that! The day we took her in, the vet told us we could try several things to get the fluid out, put her on IVs and stuff, but my husband and I had decided that it was enough. She was not going to recover, we didn't want to keep prolonging things for her - or us. He feels she was really suffering and has been for a while now. His decision was based on her suffering. But, in a way, I put her down for her and for me. I don't feel like it was a totally selfless thing on my part. I had been thinking about it and how hard it was to have a sick dog. I just wonder why I didn't take more time before deciding. Why I didn't take her home. It all just happened so fast. Now I know that I never wanted her to go. It wasn't so bad. She was easy. She deserved better. I suck.

Phil, I have to tell you that I envy the way you handled things with your little Yorkie. You absolutely went above and beyond and you should take comfort in that. I am absolutely positive that you did the right thing for your dog and that you showed her love and you cared for her in her last days. You did so much more than I did. Just yesterday I put my dog, Molly, to sleep and I feel like the most terrible, awful person ever. As she became sick I distanced myself from her some. I actually think now I was in denial. I was angry at first and then I got really depressed and selfish when she started going down hill. It was weird. The one thing I have dreaded for the past 18 years - her age - is her death. I loved that dog so much. She was my soul mate. About two hours after I put her to sleep reality hit me and I could not stop wailing. I thought I was ready. I thought it would be okay and I thought I was making the right choice. Now I just have a million regrets and I miss her more than I ever thought possible. Even with everything I did wrong, I loved her as much as I have loved anyone or anything. Please know that you loved your dog and you were amazing to her in the end. I wish I had had your example to follow. You slept with her on the floor for 20 months? That in itself was so kind. Why didn't I do something like that? I completely understand feeling like you acted fast. That is what I keep saying. That I made such a rash decision. It's weird how fast it happened. I'm so sorry you feel that way. It doesn't sound at all to me like you made a quick decision. It sounds like you did the absolute best you could for your dog and there are no regrets in that. I admire you and wish I had offered Molly what you did for your dog.

We put my dog, Molly, to sleep yesterday. She was 18 and her stomach and lungs were filling with fluid from heart failure. It happened so fast. She's been on heart medication but she seemed to be doing okay. We thought she was constipated. My husband took her to the vet that morning and he said we could try all kinds of things but they were iffy and she was struggling. She could barely walk and was having a very hard time breathing. My husband feels okay about it. He thinks she was suffering and feels like it was better for her but I feel terrible, terrible, terrible. There are so many things I wish I did and did not do. Things I wish I had said to her. We decided so quickly, spur of the moment. We were so upset but also just wanted to get it over with. Now I feel guilty about so many things. I loved that dog more than I love most people. She was one of the loves of my life. She was my family and I was so imperfect, especially at the end. I was annoyed sometimes and frustrated and wrapped up in myself. I was kind-of distant. I went about my daily business as if she had years and years and years to live. I wish I had been better at the end. I wonder if I should have tried to do something more, spent more time with her, said something else. I miss her so much and I wish I had known how much I would miss her and acted like it.

Wow. She's beautiful. Such kind eyes. I lost my beloved Molly yesterday and I know how you feel. It feels like the pain will never end. I can't believe she's gone. So sorry for your loss. You obviously loved her dearly and I'm sure she knew and knows.