pinkpony

my dh has been in heaven for 8 months now & though I am trying to move forward I'm having a hard time fitting in. I have been invited to a few peoples parties & I make myself go, but I just feel incomplete when I'm there. this weekend some friends invited me to their cabin, I wasn't going to go(the last time I was there was 3months before we found out dh was sick, & he had made them a few carvings for their new cabin)but fri I woke up & told myself "just do it" "I can do this", well I got there all proud of myself for doing it & some people were talking about 1 of my dh's carving(not knowing where it came from & not knowing us)& I said "my dead husband made this" right when the words came out of my mouth I was shocked & I said "wow that didn't sound right" someone came to my rescue & said that was ok. I stayed the night but the next morning I looked for an excuse to go home w/o being rude(it was a 3 day party)I just needed to get out of there, I didn't feel right being around these people & I couldn't drink & loosen up cuz my "protector" wasn't there. I feel this way a lot around people, I use to be so comfortable in my own skin & now I'm afraid of my own shadow, I don't want to get in bad situations & make wrong choices, all these people around me yet I felt so alone & awkward. I sure hope at my age I will know where I belong again.

I love your list, I've learned a lot of those same things & it hasn't been a year yet. thank you for sharing

I love my grief couselor, I'm not big about councelling & wasn't sure if I would keep it going(I didn't start until 3 months after my dh passed) but I will say theres something comforting about her coming to my house & letting me "let it all out" & no feeling of judgement & verification that what I'm feeling is normal & a step in the right direction. Hospice of the valley has been a life saver throughout this whole process from the time we put dh on hospice(5 months before passing) to now 7 months after. I hope you get a lot out of it, I haven't done the "group" yet, not ready for that.

my dh's b-day was in may & my kids & I met in Ouray his favorite place & hiked to his favorite place, it was wonderful. yes it was strange w/o the cards,cake(his sons would make)& presents(b-days are a big deal in our house), but we got the chance to create new memories. I think in honor of my dh's b-day I will create a new happy memory. Maybe you can do the same

Harry you explained it perfect, I completely agree with you. Thank you for "getting it".

that song has gotten me through the begining of dh's sickness to now(7months after he went to be with Jesus). Its so true,I'm so glad I didn't miss the dance.

I still have my husband's pillow on my bed too(I never washed the pillow case), it makes that king size bed not so big.

the hospice grief councelor came to my house(oh what a blessing hov has been for me) & pretty much everything I'm feeling is normal & OK. I know I will be better in the end if I quit trying to run when my heart says stop & too soon & just deal w/ this. & I know part of my afraidness is I feel guilty if I move forward even though I had the blessing from my dh to move forward. at 44 I was not supposed to be a widow & a empty nester, I was supposed to spend the rest of my life w/ my dh, & now I have to learn to adjust.

I need to go back to work, I do hair & I quit when my dh went on hospice to care for him. I was self employed so the idea of someone telling me when I have to work isn't going to happen. I'm afraid of commiting, I never was before, I'm afraid of having to relive this last year w/ all my clients & having the focus on"the poor widow". I'm not whole anymore I don't know who I am anymore(once I was a friend, a wife, a mom) I know I'm still a mom, but their all on their own now. as much as I enjoyed this last month when it was over it just reminded me the "reality" again.

I have videos on my cell that my dh sent me while camping its so nice to be able to watch those when I just need to hear his voice & see him. Oh & I'm glad you have happy memories that included Ouray, CO. I have so many great memories of that place w/ my dh, our last was for our 24th in 09, I did make new memories there last month w/ my sons.

My son got to come home on leave for a month & it was so nice having someone to talk to, someone around the house, the normal everyday noises. He left sat night & I'm alone again, the house is too quiet, no one to interact with, no extra dishes,laundry,making sure theres enough food. I was not made to be alone(I'm a talker not a loner)I really need to go find a job & get out of my rut & interact w/ people, but I'm so afraid.

weekends have been hard every since my dh got sick & even more so now that he's gone. For the previous 2yrs before he got sick we would go country dancing every sat night, our kids had all grown up & we started enjoying our empty nest & each other again(we got married real young & started having babies) it was like we were newly weds again. I'm so glad God gave me that "fairy tale" love before dh got sick. I tried a few time to go out with the girls, but it was never the same again, now I sit alone on sat nights.

Harry that was beautiful. thank you

I do think our attitude plays a major role in how we survive this. My son died 20yrs ago of SIDS, I still had 3 young children 1 being his identical twin & had I let negativity enter my world I would not have been strong enough to take care of my family. when my dh found out that he had 3-6 months to live w/ treatment or 3-6wks w/o his positive attitude gave him the will to live instead of giving up. Its real easy to be negative & just say "I can't do it" but it takes a lot of strength to get up in the morning & say "I will stay positive today & do things I thought I couldn't". Our loved ones want us to survive this. My dh left me a letter & the wises words he said in it were "remember the happy times, not the sad"

oh how I know that feeling, though my dh was on hospice 6months before he passed, we had discuss what to do in the end, he had brain,bone & lung cancer & were told at the begining of hospice care that he could go into painfull tremors from the brain cancer at the end & they told us that they could give him med that would keep him comfortable, but he wouldn't be able to talk or function. He had chose this plan if it got that bad. 4 days before he passed he was falling a lot & very confused & said he was ready to go to the hospice home to die(we knew it was coming the nurse already had the paperwork done)he kept getting worse & the tremors started & he was in extreme pain so when the dr suggested the med I said yes, when it kicked in he was finally at peace & passed 2days later. I do somedays feel guilt for doing that even though I know it was he choice before he got bad. We have to remember that we didn't cause them to die(I knew he was going to)we took care of them to the very end the best we could & kept them as comfortable as we could.

thank you, I feel its good for us "newbies" to hear this from the vets, so we know what to look for & not do. I know they say don't make any major decisions for a year, but somedays every decision is "major". I really want to move out of state, but that means finding a job, selling my house, finding another house in an unfamiliar place & its all too overwhelming so I know its not the time for that. I also fear going through my money too fast(my dh was the main wage earner)so I have been extra cautious.

as hard as it somedays I have to stay positive to function. I have always been the "glass half full" person whereas my dh was the "glass half empty" person. no I don't understand why my love had to pass away after 30yrs together, but I know that there is a perfect plan for my life & loosing my dh & my son(20yrs ago)is part of that. I have learned we have no control over this, but we do have a choice to either be positive or negative, we can't change what happened, but we can help others & we can get stronger. My feeling is everyone is watching me to see if I fall apart or make really bad choices during this, I have to be strong & keep my faith as a witness to those people. I'm not saying I don't fall apart in private, but I still get up & try to move forward everyday.

Is there anything (major decisions) you wish you didn't do that 1st yr?

the great thing about this forum is We all "get" it, & just when we think we're going crazy we find someone else has been there & it comforting.

thank you. I have really learned to lean on this scripture every since that day 1yr & 4months ago when I learned of my normally very healthy weightlifting husband's news of terminal cancer. I had to encourage everyone around me to just live each day & not worry about tomorrow. It was the only was I could & still do survive, when I start trying to look into the future I think too much & its overwhelming & no peace, so I know thats not good for you.

Cheryl great advice. & yes I do feel that the change of scenery was a nice break. I really don't have too many friends here, & all my children have moved out of state, so other than I own my home, my dogs & the familiarity of this place, there's really no reason to stay. I think I will start preparing my home(improvements,honey do list)to sell & that will take time, but when its done & I decide to stay at least I'll have a new home

so I went to colorado(where my dh & I hoped to live someday) for a week & I want to move. I was so at peace & happy while I was there, the 1st time in 7months, the moment I got back to az the peace was gone & the turmoil has begun. Moving is such a big decision especially to another state & w/o dh helping me it seems imposible. I have a home that I can afford here & w/ the economy I'm afraid of selling it & getting nothing, plus theres so many things that need to be fixed before I think of putting it on the market. I haven't gone back to work yet & I don't want to commit until I know what I'm doing. I told God in colorado that I was putting it in his hands, but as usual I keep taking it back, I also know you shouldn't make any "big" decisions the 1st yr, but aren't they all "big" decisions when you're alone? I know I'm rambling, but I just needed to put this out there.

Oh Tammy I totally understand, I've gone through a lot of special moments in the last 7months alone. My dh & I shared every special moment in my adult life(I married him @ 18)& now it breaks my heart not to. like when my son finally got out of Afghanistan(he was deployed during his daddy's illness & death). But I still kinda share them w/ him, I always tell him whats going on even though its one-sided. Even though I still yell @ people & tell them "but I'm alone" I really in my heart know that I'm never really alone, his memory follows me where ever I go.

Jeff and I were always firm believers in everything happens for a reason. While I can't wrap my head around a reason for Jeff dying, I can only guess that I am still here on earth because somehow my work here isn't done. I was married for 25yrs together for 30 & your quote is exactly true. My identity was not mine alone for all those years & my purpose was to take care of my family, but now the kids are grown husband in heaven & I'm 44 questioning what is my purpose, who am I Lord. I do truly believe though that all this hasn't been in vain, that God still has great things in store for me & that my purpose here on earth isn't finished.

thx, my kids are all grown & live in different states so we all met up there. We did make some wonderful memories & our relationship changed to a friends level, I didn't have to be "mommy" we were all free to be ourselves, that in itself was very refreshing.