amy 2

When I lost my brother 3 years ago, there was no way that we could know it would happen, so I cannot relate to the loss of a "sibling" the way that you lost your sister. However, a year and a day before I lost my brother, I lost a very close friend that was like a second father to me. I was not there when he died. I did not know that he was dying, but everyone else knew. I know that he did not want me to know. He did not want me to worry. I was in college having a great time while he was dying. I feel horrible, guilty, superficial and feel that I somehow betrayed him. If I were dying, he would have been by my side 24/7. I'm not angry with him - for some reason I have never been angry with him. What made it worse was that the way I was "told" was that I was on my way there (the night he died) b/c I knew he was home from the hospital. Mom called me and said that he already died and that was it. Don't come, he already died. I find comfort in the fact that it gave him comfort that I didn't know. I know that it gave him comfort to "take care of me" even when he was facing death. This makes me love him even more - to know how much he wanted to protect me even when he was going through terrible pain and fear. I think that it helped him more knowing that he was able to protect me. If I had been there, I know that I would have cried and worried and no matter how much I would have tried to hide my sorrow, he would have known. I don't know that saying goodbye would have helped b/c I didn't get to say goodbye to my brother either. I know this - saying goodbye would not take away the longing that I feel for one more day or one more minute with my brother. I wasn't there when he died and I wasn't there to keep my other brother from finding him and living with that for the rest of his life. I am angry at my mother and others for not telling me how sick my friend was, but I know that they did it b/c he didn't want me to know and I know why. I hope this helps a little. Amy

Carol, I am so sorry that you have to deal with this. The "image" that you run over in your mind may be from the shock that you experience at the beginning, which is the most horrible part of the entire "grief process." Remember that when you found your brother, it was just his body - your brother was already "gone." I'm thinking that it is a good thing that you "can" remember (b/c you haven't "blocked" that image). Stay close to your family and talk to them whenever they will listen and listen whenever they will talk (no matter how painful this is). If you can't right now, in a few months (it took me 6) you will be able to look at pictures, videos, etc. This will help with the image. I cannot express to you how sorry I am that you have to go through this. I can only give you "helpful hints" and I wish that I could take the pain from you. Learn as much as you can about the grief process. Educate yourself on what to expect from your parents, yourself, etc. I say this b/c it helped me to understand behaviors instead of being surprised by them e.g. fights, physical symptoms, etc. I am so so very sorry for your loss.

If there is one thing that I could have done differently 3 years ago, it would have been to talk to my younger brother more. I have two younger brothers, one in heaven and one here with me. I gave him space b/c I thought that was what he needed. He was 19 when our youngest brother died. I think that you are a very good mother to talk to your children openly about the loss you have experienced and that they have experienced. If you are able to do this, that is a huge step. It is also a huge step to be "able" to cry. I couldn't cry after the first month, but my Mom did. At the time, I thought that she was not handling it well, but I was wrong. She was brave enough to feel the pain and grieve so that she could become stronger for us. In short, yes, I think that you are doing very well and are a beautiful person to be concerned for the other people in your life and to be striving to do better yourself.

Maylissa, You spoke directly to my heart and, honestly, that is probably the first time in the past three years that anyone has. This is the first time that I have posted on any site and did not realize how much help peers can be. I wish there weren't any, though. I wish that no one here felt this kind of pain. I just can't tell you how much I appreciate your empathy. Please know that you have answered questions that have had no answer for these past three years. You are in my thoughts - I am so very sorry for your loss. Amy

He keeps saying that he wants me to be strong like I used to be. He asked me what we needed to do. I told him we had two options 1) make a new bond and 2) find a way to keep the old even though it hurts like hell. I told him that I wanted us to keep the old because I want us to remember our brother because he is not dead (he's not here, but he's not in the ground). Is this me not mourning (denial)? That seemed to make him feel better. He said that he didn't believe in God anymore and that he could control how he felt (anger, sadness, etc.) so why couldn't I? He wants me to be like I was before and I'm so sorry that I can't give him what he wants. He said he can feel me slipping away. I told him that we are afraid of what we feel because it hurts. We are afraid to remember Casey because it hurts so much that it makes us feel out of control, but we are not in control of how we feel, we just feel what we feel. I told him that the reason that he felt me slipping away was that we were both trying so hard to "forget" Casey that it was tearing us apart. This upset him so much that he climbed over the balcony to show me that he "controlled" whether or not he jumped. We were on the 11th floor of a condominium. He could have fell!! This upset me so bad that, when he climbed back over, I ran to the bathroom to throw up. I know that he is having reactions that are normal (he's 22, was 19 when Casey died, and he found Casey), but I'm scared that by getting angry with him and crying with him "I" (not anyone else but me) push him over the edge (by that I mean he does things that are reckless/dangerous - like what he did). I haven't talked to him since that happened. I'm so scared that he will break if I talk about this. I thought that he was angry at me because I can't save him - is this not right? I don't know if I need to back off completely - I don't want him to feel like I'm abandoning him. I think that he's pushing me away on purpose, maybe...I'm so sorry, I know you don't have the answers. I'm just so confused (and sooo not objective b/c you are right, I am having a terrible time dealing with the grief). My brothers are, and have always been, my life. I've always had the answers for them. Now that it's really important, I don't even know where to start. Can you tell from what I'm writing how I'm looking at this wrong? Am I just not getting what you said before? This is so much to lay on someone, I'm so sorry and I'm sorry for your loss b/c I know that you've had one or you wouldn't have responded as you did. Thank you too, so much, for your response. Amy

Hi. My name is Amy. I'm a little over three years "in." June 1, 2003, my brother Casey died. He had a ventricular arrythmia (I know I've spelled it wrong, looks like after three years I could remember) - ventricular arrythmia?? is that thing that all the basketball players are dying from - his death was very, very unexpected. I need feedback from anyone (1 day in, 10 years in, etc.). I have two younger brothers. Casey is in heaven and Chris is in hell on earth. Chris is 22 and in college. Our family was extrememly, extremely close and we still are but it feels "weird," strained, I don't know... Anyway, that's beside the point. Chris and Casey were 2 1/2 years apart. I'm 7 1/2 years older than Chris and 9 years older than Casey. We've had all kind of things that went on before Casey died. Both Chris and Dad were in situations where it was literally a "miracle" that they lived. Then, wham...Casey died. He was the best one of us all. He was born old - you know - wise beyond his years, and it was a good thing considering that he had to deal with us. This is my problem. Chris is falling apart and I seem to make it worse. I've read all the literature, I remind him of Casey, he feels guilty that he can't help me, etc., etc. But he is acting out in ways that's scaring me. I am terrified that he will do something stupid that he can't take back before he ever begins to make it out of the "fog." He isn't suicidal, but he is extremely wreckless. He has some competition thing going on with me, which has been healthy in the past, "I bet I can make better grades than you did." Now it is separating us because he needs me to be a big sister and at the same time he needs to fill the role he had with Casey, big brother. To add insult to injury, Chris found him. Casey was face down and purple. Chris saw him again at the funeral, but his knees went out from under him and I don't think he remembers that, which wouldn't be much better. I don't' think to this day he has talked to anyone about what Casey looked like when he found him. I was not home when it happened. I got that in the middle of the night phone call. I was not here when he died and I have been so out of it myself, I have not been "here" for Chris even during that in between time. His best friend, whom he grew up with, is in rehab. His other (not nearly as close) friend gets on his nerves because he is extremely religious. (We are too, but we're a little perturbed with God right now - unfounded yes, but God is probably the only One who can take this anger). Can I help him (any little brothers out there?)? Should I try? How do I do it? I said at one point that when I lost Casey, I lost Chris, too. I am tired of thinking that way. Chris is still here and Casey is ok and I may be the only one that can help Chris. Please, any feedback will help...I'm an emotional wreck here and with all my of education, I don't know one (even half of one) thing... I'm sorry this is so long - I've never really talked about this myself. Thank you for listening and my heart goes out to each and every one of you as well.